Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Time for another look at the Tabloid Tilt-A-Whirl which is the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

Our lead story tonight was a plane crash in a Portland suburb which killed four people. I can't really say I have a problem with this being tonight's lead. Their coverage of it was predictably tabloid-y with shots of the grieving family members, but it's definitely a story worthy of prominent placement.

Next up was Fox 12's Most Wanted about the same attempted rape/attempted murder they've been flacking for several days now. Louis Nemnich, the octogenarian perp, was caught in Lusk, Wyoming. Since he was captured by cops about six states to the right of Oregon, KPTV couldn't claim to have played any part in his current incarceration. Aww, that's a shame. How dare the justice system work without the participation of KPTV??

A body was found in Alsea, Oregon. "Concerned Neighbors" said the Chyron. "No shit" said at least one viewer. The cops said that there was one corpse found at the scene. For God knows what reason, the local gossip pegs the toll at two. This discrepancy was dutifully reported to a breathless America (or at least northern and central Oregon and parts of southern Washington).

A murder suspect was charged somewhere or other. Sorry for the lack of details, but the mayhem goes by so fast on the KPTV "news" show that it's sometimes hard to keep up. If I tried to write faster, I'd get wrist fatigue.

Next to tumble out of KPTV's Horn of Plenty was a story about a local furniture store being robbed, not once but twice, in the past few days. The funny part was that the store in question is situated right next to the local cop shop. Who's running the joint, Clancy Wigguns?

There was an armed robbery at a local Subway sandwich shop. The comic relief here was that the thief didn't nab any money but did get away with two turkey wraps. That's all well and good, but what condiments, KPTV, what condiments?? Reporting is made up of such details.

To stick a feather in the cap of the first segment of the show, we got a report on a deadly accident on Highway 99E. On that macabre note, we went to our first commercial break.

Back from the break, we got some helicopter footage from Tuesday morning of an apartment fire. The residents of the building were Arabic, as one could tell from their garb as seen from the chopper. What KPTV failed to tell the audience was that one of the residents was arrested because the cops found what looked like an explosive device at the scene, but he was later released.

KPTV management must think that the I-Team's "Cyber Sting" crap is playing well with Mr. and Mrs. Poorly Informed because it got moved up time-wise in tonight's "news" cast. Matt was the Perv duJour. He thought he was calling on a 13-year-old girl, but instead he got a faceful of Perverted Justice. Matt is a 26-year-old Purple Heart soldier on leave from the Army. The KPTV "reporter" anguished over how such a brave soldier could possibly also be a child fancier, as if those two things were somehow mutually exclusive. I fail to see the connection, frankly.

Anyway, since this seemed to be a puzzling conundrum to the "reporter," she sought out two shrinks who opined on it. "Soldiers in battle live on the edge," one of the shrinks said, "and when they come home, they seek out more activity on the edge." Uh, okay. I figured that Matt was just a guy who had an inappropriate interest in young girls who also wanted to serve his country, but that's just me. I ain't got no diploma, so what do I know?

Our Fight For Iraq story (singular) tonight was about a soldier from Oregon who died in Iraq. No mention was made of the other eight soldiers who also died in Iraq in the past 24 hours. When KPTV gave a figure for the total number of American troops who have died in Iraq on their "news" show over the weekend, I had hope that they were actually going to start reporting responsibly on the war from now on. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, though, as tonight's 'cast was right back to the old "If they aren't from Oregon, we don't care about dead soldiers" paradigm. Time for another commercial break.

We came back to yet another story about Brooke Wilberger, the girl who went missing a year ago. Apparantly tonight was the real one year anniversary of her disappearance. I say "apparantly" because the KPTV "news" show has done a story about her disappearance almost every day for the past week and each night the word "anniversary" was used as if it applied to that particular day.

This was followed by a story about a woman in Walla Walla, Washington who feeds her cows wine. This allegedly makes their beef more tender. Whatever. It's Break Time again.

Next up after the commercials was a story about people who wake up during operations. I guess this, like "Sugar Mommas," is a New Trend or something. We were treated to video of a middle-aged man who apparantly semi-woke up during a surgical procedure and who is still haunted months later by the experience and a woman who has started a support group for people who have experienced "anesthesia awareness." Hmm, if it has a NAME, it MUST be a New Trend! I had no idea.

In connection with this craze, we got some figures. Apparantly, out of 21 million surgeries a year, 40 thousand patients experience "anesthesia awareness." If my math skills haven't completely atrophied, that means that fewer than .05% of patients experience this trauma. Is this really something to get exercised over? A far higher percentage of people die on the operating table. Where are the support groups for them, I ask you.

No time to ruminate on that though, as the city of Salem seems poised to introduce a new leash law! I wonder how many dogs suffer from anesthesia awareness? Why are you suppressing that information, KPTV?

We pressed on to learn about the "controversy" surrounding Burger King's cross-promotional deal with the new Star Wars movie. Some blue noses got their panties in a twist because the movie carries a PG-13 rating and...oh, who cares? It was the usual fear-mongering "What about the children?" crap. You know, if it wasn't for those bastards at Burger King and their cardboard cutouts of Darth Vader, kids would never know that there's a new Star Wars movie out! Damn you, Burger King, damn you!

Speaking of cross-promotion, what KPTV "news" cast would be complete without sticking mean-spirited music mogul Simon Cowell's mug in our faces? We were told that the American Idol judges think that this year's finalists are the best ever. Wow, go figure! I mean, they're completely objective about everything American Idol-related, right? They wouldn't just be saying that to get us to watch the season finale. Nah! What's wrong with me for thinking like that? Thank God that KPTV's "news" show is here to tell the public about the otherwise unheard-of American Idol show which just happens to also air on KPTV.

A resusitation dummy was donated to a local ski rescue team. How do they even find time for stories like this when they have fast-breaking American Idol "news" to report?

Lastly, before our next commercial break, we got some inscrutable something-or-other about people who dress sloppy at work and what businesses are doing about this crisis. There'll be more about this vital topic on Get Your Ass Out Of Bed, Oregon (or whatever they call their early-morning show) on Wednesday. Break.

Ah, finally here's that Final Cut you've been Jonesing for. For some reason, for the past few nights, Final Cut has incorporated the News Across America segment, to the point where they now seem to be one and the same. Anyway, here's what they told us about:

*There was a bus stop beating caught on camera in Minnesota.
*Somebody got shot with a Taser in Miami.
*There's been an arrest in the Satanic Sex Cult case in Lousiana.
*A Mom is auctioning ads on her kids on eBay. Some people think that's abuse.
*A woman gave birth in a car on the side of a highway in Kansas
*Some local rescue personnel happened to be at the site of the plane crash site in Coney Island over the weekend.
*Jay Leno testified at the Michael Jackson trial in California.
*An anti-spyware bill passed the House in D.C.
*A car break-in was caught on tape in Oregon.
*A suspected molester was arrested in Oregon. Finally, we got a "reporter" holding a prop: a photo of the suspect. Oh, this story was also a gold mine of "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" style comments from random neighbors of the suspect. We got THREE of them!
*Following up on that was a story about What To Do If Your Child Is Molested. A police detective gave some decent, if obvious, advice: Tell your child he/she is brave for telling you about the abuse; tell your child he/she didn't do anything wrong, etc.

And that was it for tonight's Final Cut segment (which, as always, was promoted as "everything you need to know"). Oh, Final Cut ended with 4.5 seconds left on the countdown clock, the purpose of which I still can't figure out.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*There still hasn't been one word about the REAL controversies over stem cell research or the filibuster. Funny, Channel 8 managed to talk about both subjects tonight at 11 and their news show is only a half-hour long.
*As mentioned above, a total of NINE soldiers died in Iraq in the past 24 hours. KPTV only mentioned the one who was from Oregon. Screw those 8 other losers.
*A "Christian" church in South Carolina which has on its signboard "The Koran should be flushed."
*President Bush's popularity poll numbers have fallen ever further.
*A Republican state representative in Florida offered a "special" tour of the White House to those who donated $5000 to his re-election campaign. (White House tours have always been free to any American citizen.)