Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I sat down with my little notepad, ready to document KPTV's 10 o'clock gorecast, knowing that there was one story absolutely guaranteed to be on the show. I was not disappointed. I'll tell you about it below. Anyway...

They kicked off the show tonight with a little trick they use frequently: the Breaking News graphic. They act like they were going to start with their lead story but the "breaking news" tonight is just so HOT! that they have to go to it right now. This, of course, is a load of crap as it takes time to get the "reporter" out to the scene, so they knew damn well they were going to "interrupt" the lead story with the "breaking" story. Anywho, the "breaking story" was about a body which was found in an apartment in Portland. Detectives were on scene RIGHT NOW (not that we actually got to see them.) Is it murder...or suicide?

On to the top story. A robber wearing a dust filter mask was "caught on camera" (a phrase almost as beloved by the KPTV "news" team as "identity theft" or "You don't expect that in this neighborhood!") This didn't seem like much of a top story, even by KPTV's loose standards, but that's what they went with.

We pushed on to a story about a suspected crack dealer who got arrested after being stopped for a routine traffic violation. Yawn.

Hey, remember octogenarian miscreant Louis Nemnich from every "news" cast for the past several nights, a former member of the Fox 12's Most Wanted club? He's fighting extradition from Wyoming. There's no point in pretending that we aren't going to hear MUCH more about this guy in the coming days.

Next was a story about a local school counselor accused of not reporting that a student had told her she was raped. The counselor claimed to have reported the incident and cried on camera about her career being ruined by the accusation.

Following that was a follow-up about the plane crash from earlier in the week. Actually, all this story told us was that the crash was being investigated. Duh. After the KPTV show ended tonight, I turned over to Channel 8 to catch something resembling real news. Channel 8 managed to report that the plane wreckage was accidentally set on fire earlier tonight by officials poring through it, a fact that KPTV completely missed. Sheesh. If you're going to do tabloid, DO TABLOID, for God's sake!

There was a car crash and fire somewhere or other. The driver is in critical condition. There was also a 9-car accident on I-5 caused by a drunk driving the wrong way on the Interstate. We got some chopper footage of the wreckage. Channel 8 also had the name of the drunk driver, which KPTV didn't give us.

E. coli bacteria has been found in Woodburn, Oregon's water supply. This story gave us tonight's first "reporter" prop. Jim Hyde held up a McDonald's cup and turned it over, spilling out its contents. This, apparantly, was intended to show us that, if we live in Woodburn, we shouldn't drink the water. According to his bio at KPTV.com,:

"When not working as a journalist Jim enjoys running, reading, backpacking, and cooking. He’d like to have more time in the day to spend with his wife Pam, daughter Stephanie, and son Connor."

Hey, Jim, aren't you tired of being forced to hold up visual aids so the troglodytes your "news" director thinks is your show's core audience can comprehend it? Maybe it's time to do the honorable thing and quit that excuse of a "news" show you work on so you can spend some time with your family.

Next we got a story about today's unseasonable weather. Eh, that's sort of a story, I guess.

Commercial break.

OK, what did I say earlier about a story that I was absolutely certain would show up on tonight's "news" cast? Make that TWO stories. Number One was a cross-promotion for tonight's American Idol season finale, which immediately preceded the "news." More disgusting than the fact that this was on a "news" show at all was the fact that this was, by far, the longest story on the show so far.

From that disgrace to the memory of Edward R. Murrow, they cut to some bimbo "reporter" on a red carpet in "Hollywood" (which these days can refer to just about any location in Southern California in which anything show business-related is happening or has ever happened.) She breathlessly told us about an American Idol "after party" she attended. If there's anything news-worthy about a party, it kind of needs to be accompanied by some video of the party, wouldn't you say? I guess not, because all we got was Miss Perky telling us about the party. Whee!

Remember how last night KPTV was asking viewers who were planning on having an American Idol party in their home to let the station know so they could send a camera there? Well, I guess they weren't exactly inundated with requests for a video invasion 'cause all we got was about five seconds of some people sitting in front of a TV, watching Idol. Watching people watch television--now there's riveting "news." Hey, maybe KPTV's viewers were afraid the camera crew would show up with the Perverted Justice goons in tow.

Speaking of those video vigilantes, next we got the third installment of the I-Team's "Cyber Sting." At the top of the segment, anchor Wayne Garcia told us that KPTV and Perverted Justice engage in this Junior G-Man crap because the police "don't have the resources to monitor chat rooms." The notion that police in a free country just might not have the Constitutional right to spy on people wasn't mentioned. Tonight's entraptee was Mike. KPTV warned us that the "Cyber Sting" segment was "graphic."

They showed us part of the online chat that Mike allegedly took part in with Perverted Justice's fake kid. Mike said he'd like to "eat a guy's a** and f***." The bleeps were KPTV's attempt to protect the sensibilities of the shut-ins who sit, unconsciously masturbating, in front of the set while the show is on. By the way, if any of you God-fearing people who were offended by that little bit of titillation want to see everything Mike allegedly said to the imaginary teenager, it will be available starting Thursday on KPTV.com. I wonder if KPTV and Perverted Justice got permission from any other people who might have been in the chat room at the time to use their conversation on their website? Just asking.

Mike who, we were told, claimed to be 30 even though he's actually 41, worked as a babysitter. "Worked" is the operative word, because KPTV informed his employer of his alleged fondness for underaged flesh and he was promptly fired. They also told us that he lives in public housing, although the relevance of that fact was lost on me. Would it be better if he owned his own home? KPTV and Perverted Justice have five more alleged child molesters to show us, which they will do in the coming days.

You'll be happy to know that "Operation Trucker Check" is in full swing. I gathered this entails stopping truckers and hassling them to see if they are complying with the law. So far, this "Operation" (am I the only one who has gotten really tired of everything being given a name like a World War II military assault?) has resulted in one meth arrest.

An accused panty thief who was featured on the KPTV "news" show night after night after night a few months back (it was thought that he might be involved in the abduction of a young girl, but, curse the luck, that didn't pan out) was back with us tonight. His lawyer has resigned the case because of unspecified ethical problems.

A stolen dog was returned because of a loyal KPTV viewer who ratted out her Mom, who allegedly took the pooch. Then we were on to our next commercial break.

Back, it was time for Fight For Iraq. They showed us a picture of the same dead Oregon soldier they've been shamelessly pimping for a couple of days now. If anything else happened in Iraq in the past 24 hours, KPTV didn't seem to know about it.


Following that was some hooey about an autopsy of a murder victim. Then we got Northwest Tonight. Apparantly, the only thing that happened in the entire upper left corner of the U.S. was an attempted kidnapping in Washington state.

Say, did you know that kids who play video games for hours at a time might suffer hand injuries? Well, if you watched KPTV's "news" show tonight, you do now. Speaking of "who the hell cares?" the next story was about Everclear, a Portland-area-based band that was popular a few years back but which has now gone back into obscurity. The band's singer, having survived divorce and bankruptcy, is trying to make a comeback. Good luck, my friend. The good wishes of the five people who give a shit are with you.

You know, I was planning on paying KPTV a compliment tonight. No, really. I was going to say that there has been a notable decrease in the number of technical screw-ups on their "news" show in the past few weeks. Well, as if to say, "We'll show YOU!" they gave us a good one tonight. The weather weasel was going into his segment when the "Breaking News" graphic popped up on screen, throwing him off track momentarily. That'll teach me to try to be nice to them, huh?

Eventually, the KPTV Crap Wagon dropped off the Final Cut.

*Say, remember that dead guy from the top of the show? Suicide. If you listened closely, you could almost hear the people in the control room say "Damn!" when the possibility of a juicy ongoing murder story they could milk like a Guernsey for the next several weeks slipped from their grasp.
*Some skinheads threatened a guy with a bike chain at the Beaverton Max station. Cops are calling it a hate crime.
*We got some video of a robbery suspect who got himself shot in Kansas. OK, so the video was from last week. You got a problem with that? Where is it written that "news" means "new?"
*A mugging in Brooklyn, New York was "caught on camera" (there's that phrase again!)
*The "Runaway Bride" was charged with filing a false police report in Georgia. That is the other story I absolutely knew would show up on the "news" tomight.
*Some high school kids were repremanded for allegedly flashing "gang signs" in their yearbook photo, although they say it was only some hand jive associated with their favorite rap star.
*A truck exploded in Texas.
*4 people drowned in a river in Texas. Sure, the drowning happened in MARCH, but the tape just became available...or something.
*It's Fleet Week in New York City. Every hooker in town is looking into buying investment property with the money he/she is going to make over the next seven days (OK, I made that last part up.)
*Some goofy kid in Wisconsin owns 29 Packers jerseys and he's worn one of them every day for like the last 1000 days or so. No, I didn't make that up!
*Miss Perky from Hollywood was back to tell us what happens to American Idol "losers" (otherwise known as runners-up). Uh, not much, according to the story. Oh, she had a fake Oscar as a prop.
*Speaking of American Idol, their live show is coming to Portland. Quit your job and go wait on line for tickets...NOW.
*The defense in the Michael Jackson trial rested. Hearing the word "rest," M.J. immediately climbed into bed with two pre-teen boys and a monkey. Did I make that up? You decide.
*And to kick this nest of near-news in the head, we got a segment called "Signs of a Molester." A local detective and his wife offer classes to terrified parents on how to spot child molesters. From what I heard, it sounded to me like any adult who is nice to your kid is a possible child molester. Pad the offspring with bubble wrap and stash them under the Hide-A-Bed. For the record, as far as I'm concerned, one child molester is one too many, but this kind of paranoia does nothing but makes people terrified of each other for no good reason.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Again, not a single word about the filibuster compromise or stem cell research funding.
*The Congressman responsible for "Freedom Fries" says he is sorry he ever came up with the name and is now against the war in Iraq. KPTV didn't think that was worth telling you about.
*Still nothing about the state rare coin investment scandal in Ohio.
*Still nothing about the furor over copies of the Koran being put in toilets by American troops.