9.29.2005

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Settle back, buckle your seat belt and let’s begin.

Top Story.  A 16-year-old Hispanic boy was stabbed to death last Friday afternoon in Salem.  Kevin Coari, Embedded Reporter, was “embedded” in Salem for this story.  The boy’s family holds nightly vigils and prays for his soul.  Although some are saying that the victim was slain in a gang dispute, his family says he was not a gang banger and was a straight-A student.  

17-year-old Stephanie Crisman shouldn’t have been driving since she had neither a permit nor a license.  She done gone and got herself into a crash, Steph did.  People were hurt.  Steph is in mucho trouble.

Debra Gil was “live” (well, they said she was, but who knows?) in Northeast Portland to tell us about a 14-year-old Benson High student who was robbed at a MAX stop.  The cops are involved, in that way that cops have.

There was a deadly beating outside a local smoke shop.  Was the victim beaten to death with one of those glass pipes “for tobacco use?”  Even though I’m totally against recreational drug use, I have been inside a head shop or two, so I’m kind of like a hip square…or something.

That alleged case of arson in Forest Grove the other day?  Timothy Lane is your alleged perpetrator.  Allegedly.

Oooh, finally, we’re getting to the good (which in KPTV Speak means “creepy”) stuff.  A local woman was missing her daughter (what, no Amber Alert?).  Turns out the 15-year-old was seduced by a pimp and brought to Phoenix to work as an underage hooker.  “Jazzy” spent the last 4 months in Arizona as a skanky little ho.  Now that the girl is home again, she can explain what a Dirty Sanchez and a Rusty Trombone are to her mom.  And when she’s done with that, she can explain them to me.  Hilary Hutcheson, with her new bangs-free hairdo, was at the bottom of a mall parking lot ramp (‘cause the girl was allegedly “recruited” by the pimp while visiting said mall) for this story.  She may even have been there LIVE!  Maybe.

Are sex shows free speech?  How can you even ask that question?  Damn straight, they are.  Well, a Roseburg strip club owner will get to make that case to the state Supreme Court this week.  I’ll repeat my offer of a while back:  If anyone knows the owner of this club, tell him that I have an idea that can make any titty bar the Best Known Strip Club in America virtually overnight.  I’m not kidding.  I’m really brilliant at this kind of thing.  Tell him to contact me, especially if he loses his case.

Hurricane Rita

  • FEMA, continuing its string of incredible competence at assisting hurricane victims, had to close a Help Center in Ritaville because so many people showed up for help.  Sheesh, people, it’s not as if they could have realized that victims would show up for help at a Help Center!  

  • Finally, bags of ice and meals are arriving in Louisiana and Texas for the victims of Rita.  No hurry.  

Oregon Responds

  • Some Vancouver truck drivers have organized “Operation Toy Drop” which is collecting toys to be brought to the children affected by the recent hurricanes.

  • The Helvetia Tavern has raised $4000 for the relief effort.

  • A local evacuation center has new hours.  No, I couldn’t write fast enough to get them down.  Jesus, if you’re a hurricane victim and you’re coming here for your information, you need more help than anyone can provide to you.

Break.

A local guy called a “schizo” by acquaintances has confessed to the stabbing death of his 8-year-old half-sister.  He should have just gone for it and claimed that the 8-year-old started it.  What do you have to lose when you’re up for murder?  You might as well have fun with your defense.

Darrell Paris is accused of killing his son (or “own son” as Shauna Parsons said) in Oregon City.  He’s on trial.

A female Lewis and Clark college student is accused of manslaughter after an accident she was involved in back in November 2004.  Her blood alcohol level at the time was twice the legal limit.  Oh, those college students and their wacky booze-related antics!

Meth Watch

David Frietas/Freitas was on hand for this cautionary tale of how anyone, yes anyone, can get hooked on Ms. Crystal Meth and her seductive ways.  We were introduced to a local woman, described as a “soccer mom” who admitted that she was a meth addict.  Somebody gave her some of the stuff at a club once a few years back and VOILA! she was addicted.  According to her, she’s a great mom and her kids are the center of her life and all that bumper sticker kind of crap but we were also told that she was arrested 2 years ago, apparently while hopped up on the stuff (and when’s the last time you heard the phrase “hopped up?”) while driving on I-205 with her offspring in the car with her.  Definite Mother of the Year material there, for sure.  She’s much better now, though.

A truck accident, which spilled some sort of large container-looking things all over the place, closed 2 lanes of I-5 early Wednesday.  As you would imagine, the 2-hour long shutdown royally screwed things up.

There was a house fire in the early Wednesday AM in Northeast Portland.  No one was injured.

Cops in Northeast Portland are conducting a “Safety Enforcement Program.”  This, of course, involves writing a lot of tickets for things which normally wouldn’t attract their attention.  No, you cynic, this has nothing to do with it being the end of the month and the police department perhaps wanting to increase revenue.

The management of Albertson’s supermarket chain is a bunch of chickenshits.  It seems that the current Seventeen Magazine has an article entitled “Vagina 101” intended to teach teenage girls about their reproductive organs.  Well, you can’t have teenagers actually knowing how their bodies work, now can you?  So, the pussies (Ha!) at Albertson’s have banned the magazine from their stores.  Listen, you stupid assholes, this isn’t porn, it’s educational material which is sorely needed by America’s poorly-educated kids.  On a possibly related note, Patricia Heaton, the actress from Everyone Loves Raymond, who is featured in Albertson’s TV ads, is the spokeswoman for Feminists For Life.  Make of that what you will.

Break.

The National Response Department, whatever the hell that is, has an office in Castle Rock.  It was vandalized and robbed.  For some reason, the cops believe that certain evidence found at the scene indicates that the perpetrator is at least 5’10”.  Inspector Gadget lives!

Northwest Tonight

  • Dateline Roseburg:  Someone has stolen drugs from an old age home.  If there’s a Hell, there must be a special seat right by the furnace for those who fuck with old people.

  • Striking Boeing machinists (I’ve seen some of them and they aren’t really all that striking) are going to vote on the proposed new contract this week.  

War On Terror

  • Governor Kulongoski has ordered flags in Oregon to be flown at half-staff in honor of 2 local National Guard members who died over the past weekend.

  • Speaking of governors, New York governor Pataki has nixed a proposed museum at the Ground Zero site.  It’s a whole big complicated mess with some of the families of 9/11 victims saying the museum would dishonor the memory of their loved ones.  This country is so divided that everything is a “controversy” any more.  Sad.

Break.

Credit card debt in America is at an all-time high with 4.81% of all accounts at least 30 days overdue.  Is that all?  The high price of gasoline is said to be contributing to this problem.  Keri Tomlinson was “live” (hey, I don’t take that at face value anymore) in News Control with a credit card frozen in a block of ice as her prop.  Yes, seriously.  Some “experts” say that freezing a credit card is a good way to keep yourself from using it impulsively.  If you really need it, you can always defrost it.  It occurs to me that it wouldn’t keep you from using the card online, assuming you have uncloudy water through which you can read the card’s numbers.  Always thinking, I am.  

Shauna Parsons had to make a correction on a story previously aired on KPTV about the price of postage stamps.  According to Shauna tonight, they had said that stamps are going up to 39 cents next month when, in fact, they are going to go up next year.  Here’s the funny part: unless I totally misheard them, they originally reported that the price is going up this weekend, which I think I’ve read elsewhere as well.  [OK, I just checked and it seems that the price is going up on January 1st. Click here]  Still, I could swear that their original story said it was this weekend when the new price would go into effect.

Republican Congressman Tom “The Hammer” Delay has been indicted.  A Texas D.A. says he’s guilty of funneling money through his PAC to GOP candidates, which is one of the few things illegal under Texas campaign financing law.  Delay’s response was:

  • To admit that he was wrong and beg the American public’s forgiveness.

  • To say that he wasn’t sure exactly what happened but promise to get to the bottom of it.

  • To say that the indictment was a “witch hunt” started by a partisan D.A.

If you said “witch hunt,” move to the head of the class.

Katrina’s Devastation

  • Cops and firefighters have been brought in from all over the U.S. to go door-to-door in New Orleans for search and rescue operations.  “KPTV’s Sumi Das” (a former employee of Tech TV) was wearing a Hazmat suit as she stood in the Big Easy for this story.  We met a New Jersey cop who says he doesn’t tell his family about all the gruesome things he has seen down there.  Of course, saying that on TV isn’t the best way to keep the secret, but I felt sorry for the guy all the same.  So far, he and his coworkers have found more than 100 bodies in the post-Katrina rubble.

Fire Season 2005

  • 700 firefighters are dealing with brush fires in Southern California.  Many homes are threatened by the conflagrations.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

  • A man armed with a knife and hatchet took a woman hostage at a San Diego bus stop.  I’ve lived in America’s Finest City and I know that the buses run a bit slow there, but really…  Anyway, a police negotiating team finally convinced him to let her go.

  • A teenage girl thought it was a good idea to climb a radio tower in suburban Miami for some reason.  She stayed up there for 4 hours.  The 20th caller got to shoot her down.

  • A warehouse fire in Van Nuys, California injured 2 firefighters.

  • A car was stuck on a train track in Connecticut.  Along came a train.  Guess who won that confrontation.  Yup, train wins!  The 2 people in the car no longer need to worry about getting their taxes in on time, if you catch my meaning.

  • A male staff member of an Alabama high school walked into a bathroom only to find a student giving birth.  OK, question: this didn’t occur to me until just now, but what was the girl doing in the boys’ bathroom—or why did a male staff member walk into the girls’ bathroom?  Mysteries wrapped inside enigmas, or something like that.  Anyway, he washed off the baby and everyone is OK.  I think this student could have benefited from reading that Vagina 101 thing, oh, say, 9 or 10 months ago.  Are you listening, Albertson’s?

  • A 6-year-old boy who showed up at school with a butter knife in his backpack is suspended under one of those stupid “Zero Tolerance” rules.  His mother says his 4-year-old brother put it in the backpack and if anyone is to blame here, it’s her.  

  • The railing in front of the grandstands at a Pennsylvania high school broke, sending many kids to the ground in a big ol’ Abu Ghraib-style pile o’ bodies.  The hilarity was Caught On Camera.

  • Remember Stephen Ressa, the asshole who drove onto the sidewalk on the Vegas Strip, killing 2 pedestrians, allegedly because he had a “bad day” in drug court?  Add another death to the toll.  A third person died in the hospital from injuries incurred in the incident.

Pump Patrol

  • Gas prices are down 3 cents since last week.  Ooh, let’s celebrate!  Locally, gas is going for $2.55 in Milwaukie and $2.95 in Northwest Portland.

  • Two teenage girls in Utah are taking their horses to school instead of being driven because of high gas prices.  Am I wacky, or must it take a long time to travel 34 miles by horse?

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  • Although other crimes are down, car theft is way up in Salem.  Kevin Coari, Embedded Reporter, was at the KPTV “news” van for this story.  Salem is on track for 1000 car thefts in 2005.

  • IPod Nano owners have been bitching about screens that crack easily.  At first, Apple dismissed the issue, claiming that it only affected a very small percentage of the units.  Now they say they will exchange the units for new ones.  In response to complaints that the players scratch easily, though, Apple suggests owners buy a protective cover.  That’s it, Apple, put the onus on the buyer.  

  • The USDA which apparently has never heard the maxim “Leave well enough alone” has instituted yet another complicated food pyramid.  This one’s for kids.  It has pretty color striped of different widths and a staircase on the side.  Yes, really, a staircase.  We pay the people who design this nonsense with our tax dollars.

  • Some Japanese company has developed a dopey-looking robot which can patrol your house and send a text message to your cell phone if someone breaks into your house and steals your robot, I guess.  It’s also good for killing a few seconds on TV “news” shows.

Hollywood Buzz

  • The Blue Man Group is holding auditions in New York City.  Applicants must be men.  And blue.

  • Awards were given out to stunt performers, previously the only group of people in show business who didn’t have their own awards show.  

  • Lastly, we got some “I have no idea what this is doing on a ‘news’ show” story about one of the stars of Prison Break, a show which airs on—what a coincidence!—KPTV.  The whirring sound you hear faintly is Edward R. Murrow spinning in his grave.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

  • Listen, I don’t know for sure that Global Warming is a real thing, but I do know that the Bush administration wouldn’t accept it as real if fucking Santa Claus came down and testified that his house had melted.  If my choice is to believe either the Bushies or actual scientists, my money is on the guys with the thick glasses and test tubes.  Click here

  • Hey, remember that link I gave you to pictures of soldiers standing next to mutilated Iraqis?  Remember how you can clearly see the faces of the soldiers in them?  Well, the Pentagon says it isn’t going to pursue any investigation of the incidents because, get this, they say there’s no way to determine who may have committed the acts or whether the bodies in the pictures are really Iraqis who were tortured.  Nope, there’s no way to figure out who clearly pictured American soldiers are.  None at all.  This is the single most corrupt iteration of the American government I’ve ever seen.  Click here

  • Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has refused to answer questions about possible drug use.  She will say, however, that she wishes she could see through walls.  It’s getting harder with each passing day to separate the “real” from the “fake.”  Click here

3 Comments:

At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This weekend is next month.

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"17-year-old Stephanie Crisman shouldn’t have been driving since she had neither a permit nor a license. She done gone and got herself into a crash, Steph did. People were hurt. Steph is in mucho trouble." Yeah people were fucking hurt, someone died, I was there, I would know. You take all this shit as a joke or something dont you you fucking faggot? Get a god damn life, how many hours of your day do you waste by watching KPTV then making some stupid fun of it, why you don't go get your own news station, and then waste your time bringing us more pointless news. You dumbass.

 
At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stephanie drove because she was the only sober person. Would you rather a drunk teen with a license drove? Sure the kids should have called a Parent. I was a teen once and would NOT have called anyone's Parent. The group of teens chose to let Stephanie drive. In their minds it was a good choice. No one can judge them for that. They will never forget that night. Why didn't the police find out who supplied the alcohol to the teens? This person is responsible for the accident and the death of someone's beloved son. God bless the teens involved in this crash. I wish them all well.

 

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