Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Once again, a fat guy, armed only with his computer, sitting before it in his underwear, takes on the primetime "news" show of a major market network TV affiliate.

Top Story. A 14-year-old girl, on her way to her school in Milwaukie, was attacked by a man who jumped out of the hedges. The girl's leg was injured in the attack. David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene.

2 men carried off a carjacking at a Goodwill in Portland. A knife was used. Be on the lookout for a '93 Chevy Corsica.

A man walking down the street with his wife and kids in Vancouver was hit by a car which went out of control. The 41-year-old victim suffered minor injuries. The van's driver was alone when he hit the guy.

There's an Amber Alert because a bipolar mom is missing from a Salem park and she "kidnapped" her kids. OK, question: Do I or do I not remember that when the Amber Alert law was passed we were told it would never be used to go after biological parents who took their own children? Wasn't it ONLY for stranger abduction and didn't they promise they'd never get involved in custody disputes?

I don't have the strength to summarize this next story. Click here

Meth Watch

• So, there's a thingie on the Washington ballet about a new tax to help fight the scourge of meth. Given the way that KPTV tries to make it look as if every third person is on the stuff, you'd figure that people would be willing to open their wallets a little bit to halt the menace, right? Well, maybe. Currently, 51% of voters are saying "No" to the new tax.

Katrina's Devastation, the miniseries

• Hurricane Rita is heading for the Gulf Coast. "KPTV's Chris Huntington" was in New Orleans to tell us what we already knew: the city is still a mess, filthy water is everywhere, etc. Oh, President Bush paid yet another visit to the Big Easy in a desperate attempt to make us forget that he stayed on vacation when Katrina hit. Rita may be a Category 4 hurricane by the time it makes landfall on Wednesday. Oh, this was priceless: Chris Huntington, who you'd think would know Wayne Garcia's name, seeing as how he works for KPTV and all, said, "Back to you, Max," when his standup was done. Maybe Max is his inside joke nickname for Wayne. Yeah, that's gotta be it, seeing as how they work together in Beaverton so he would HAVE to know Wayne's name. Yup, that's gotta be it.
• Next, the Fill-in Weather Weasel showed us the track Rita is expected to take. OK, in all sincerity, I hope it doesn't destroy any property or kill anyone, but I have to admit that I really want to hear Pat Robertson's rationalization if Rita hits Corpus Christi, Texas, seeing as "Corpus Christi" means "Body of Christ" in Latin. (yeah, those 12 years of Catholic school pay off at times)

Oregon Responds

• 200 Oregon troops have returned home from duty in the Gulf area. All Oregon troops are expected to be home from down there by the end of October. Some local medical types are going back down to New Orleans to help with the sick and injured.
• Local restaurants will be participating in "Dime For America Day." The proceeds go to the Red Cross.

Break.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• 2 Hispanic teens committed armed robbery on a Salem convenience store. They stole some beer using a gun, which is the hard way. What, fake ID's are too good for kids today? KPTV felt the need to use a fake "hidden camera" technique to illustrate this story for some reason.
• The cops are looking for a white guy in his 30's who robbed a Salem bank. No fake hidden camera deal on this piece.

Parents of students at the Hosford School in Southeast Portland are concerned about guys peeing in the bushes and doing drugs near the school. Call it Current Events and give the kids credit for watching, I say. Debra Gil drew the short straw and had to cover this story.

Katherine Erickson, the Tigard High coach who allegedly abused a student was in court on Tuesday. Did it not get reported or did the detail that the student in question is a 15-year-old girl just get past me somehow? Will this be carried on Court TV or Skinemax?

A local business found that its phone wires had been stolen. The proprietor replaced the wires only to have them stolen again. Copper can be sold for cash which can then be used to purchase drugs, you see. And so the Circle of Life is completed. Hakuna matata.

Keri Tomlinson was in the newsroom to tell us about how you can automatically report obscene phone calls by hitting *57 as soon as you hang up. That creates a report at the phone company of what number called you. It'll cost you $1-$2 a shot. When I was a wacky morning drive radio DJ, I would get the occasional harassing call at 2 AM; the local newspaper had the nasty habit of printing my real name when they'd run a story about me and I was listed in the phone book, silly me. There was a similar service back in New Jersey where I was living and I used it a few times. It only cost something like .75, if I remember, though.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

• Proof that the Redneck Lifestyle can kill: A Prineville teenage boy was killed when a gun fell (off the rack?) in his vehicle and went off. If only he had his can of chaw in his shirt pocket, it might have deflected the bullet and then we would have had a story about a "miracle."
• According to the cops, 28-year-old Justin Fossa raped an elderly woman at her foster care home in Canby. He allegedly met her over the Internet. Hey, give him some credit. At least he wasn't downloading porn!
• A Wallowa boy has been charged with murder.

The governor is pressing the president on gas prices. Ooh, yeah, a Blue State governor asking George W. Bush to lower gas prices! That's gonna work. Hey, Kulongoski, maybe you could threaten to tickle him until he takes action.

Break.

A boat capsized off the Southern Oregon coast. 2 people were rescued, 2 bodies were found and 1 is still missing.

War On Terror

• The government wants airlines to put cameras on planes and give the stewardesses--oops, flight attendants--wireless devices to signal the pilot if there's a problem in the passenger cabin. Yup, cameras everywhere you go is obviously the answer to safety in a free society.

War On Terror/London Terror

• New video of the suspects in the London bombings has surfaced. It's from a week before the explosions and the cops think it's of them doing a dry run.
• A landfill in West Yorkshire is being excavated in a search for bomb material believed to have been used in the London terror attacks.

A memorial service was held for ABC anchorman Peter Jennings at Carnegie Hall. Did he have to practice to get there? Nyuk nyuk. Anyway, I was surprised to find this story about how Jennings would often feed homeless people after he finished the evening news. Click here

"All the layoffs that are fit to commit." The New York Times announced that it is going to lay off about 500 people, 250 of them at the Times itself, 160 at the Boston Globe (which is owned by the Times) and the rest in other divisions of the company. My friend, the media hoaxer Alan Abel, once got his obituary printed in the Times, even though he is still very much alive. I was at the press conference where he announced his continued viability. Damn, that was a funny scene. Click here

The St. Helens Fire Department is putting out a calendar to raise funds. So, semi-porn is OK if it raises money for essential services which should be, but aren't, funded by taxes? Help me out here, I don't know what the rules of society are anymore.

Some school somewhere in the Portland area is going to auction off the crappy art produced by some of its lower grade students. Since when are painting with "suns" consisting of large yellow circles with wavy lines coming off them and "moms" with triangular bodies, round heads and stick arms and legs actually worth anything to anyone other than the parents of the "artists?" Shauna Parsons was apparently forced to go to the school and feign interest in the "art." The auction, if you care and can figure out which school it will be at, is coming up on the 29th.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

• A car chase ended on the runway at the Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix. Exciting? Yup. Timely? Not so much. The chase took place on June 30.
• The search is on for a man involved in a killing spree in Indiana. He's driving a silver Ford minivan.
• A dad shot his two kids in Indiana. The son is dead, the daughter is injured. Oh, you know the rest: the neighbors are shocked, he didn't seem like that kind of guy, etc.
• The BTK killer's house was sold at auction in Wichita. The auction started at $90,000 but had to drop by half before finding a buyer. It might have something to do with the basement in which BTK ("Bind, torture, kill") took bondage photos of his victims. That or the lack of the fashionable island kitchen design.
• A bridge was imploded on purpose in Clearwater, Florida. There is going to be 3 more implosions to finish the job. Maybe, if they have any explosives left over, they can blow up the headquarters of Scientology, also located in Clearwater.
• There was a re-enactment on Tuesday of that fatal train crash in Chicago over the weekend. It was said that it may take as long as two years to determine the cause of the crash. Huh? How about that whole of going 69 mph in a 10 mph zone? There you go. Send me the check.
  
• A mistrial was declared in the John Gotti, Jr. case. The jury was deadlocked. There is absolutely no connection between the deadlock and the new cars, fur coats and diamond-studded iPods some jurors will soon purchase. Gotti is accused of putting out a hit on talk show host Curtis Sliwa, the founder of the Guardian Angels.
• Again with the friggin "peer court?" Didn't we have a story about this a few months ago? Maybe Jim Hyde, who brought us this piece about the teen court in Vancouver, has Alzheimer's and just forgot about the previous story. Peer Court has been in existance for 10 years, yadda yadda yadda, it's all about teens holding their peers responsible for their misdeeds, yadda yadda yadda. Hey, at least Jim, or, more likely, the tech people in the KPTV "news" van where Jimbo was hanging out, remembered to turn the van's monitors to KPTV for a change.
• 2 Lake Oswego women have invented "A Day of Pink," to give women diagnosed with cancer a day of pampering. They get facials, manicures, pedicures and a goody bag filled with stuff from local businesses. Damn, that's nearly as good as winning an Emmy and you don't have to do any of that difficult "acting" thing. You just have to have cancer.
  
• A new "high tech" pill bottle will automatically send a message to your cell phone if you forget to take your daily dose of whatever nostrum you're putting your faith in. This e-nuisance costs about $150.
• It just wouldn't be a KPTV "news" show without strapping on the old knee pads and giving American Idol a big, sloppy blow job, would it? This piece was a total waste of airtime; it was a few seconds of tape of the Idol "judges" talking about the contestants being brave enough to submit themselves to the scrutiny of hasbeens and neverwases (?) like the Idol triumvirate. Hey, here's an idea for an I-Team exclusive: try to find out who Ryan Seacrest has photos of having sex with a donkey. There can be no other reason for this guy to have a career.

Hollywood Buzz

• John "Don't call me Cougar" Mellencamp, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five and Blondie are among the potential inductees of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame or retirement home? You decide.
• Naked gay guy from the first season of Survivor, Richard Hatch, is accused of tax evasion by the IRS. Rich didn't send them their cut from the million bucks he won. He says he thought CBS was supposed to pay it. He could--but won't--get 75! years in jail if convicted.

Wayne Garcia ended the Final Cut with 6 seconds left on the Still Inexplicable Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

FEMA is a bigger horror show than you ever imagined. Click here

Ever wondered how much people who work at the White House make a year? Click here

Damn liberal media! They never tell you the good news about the war in Iraq. For instance, did you know we're WINNING that war? Click here

With everything going on in the world right now, it must be difficult for the Justice Department to decide on a Top Priority. Well, when in doubt, go with porn! Click here

"Anyone see my mandate? It's around here somewhere." President Bush falls even lower in popularity polls. Click here