Sunday, September 18, 2005

It's been a while since KPTV pulled the old "Breaking News" gag so I guess we were due for it.

Top Story. Crossfire. No, wait! Breaking News? Yow! 2 people are dead in a Beaverton car port area. Kevin Coari, Embedded Reporter, is On The Scene. The deaths occurred around 7:45 PM, close enough to 10 PM for KPTV's definition of "breaking news." A weapon has been found and the cops don't know how old the 2 dead guys are or even, for that matter, who they are.

Back to the Top Story. Crossfire! 2 men, presumed to be members of Hispanic gangs, were involved. 1 shot was fired, hitting a female bystander. This was outside a flea market in Gresham. Jim Hyde, crusty old veteran of the Portland News Wars, was there. The victim is a Hispanic woman in her 30’s.

Robert Webster, a 24-year-old father of 3, was shot and killed. Debra Gil was in News Control to tell us that Webster’s neighbors say he wasn’t a gang-type or anything like that. The reason for the shooting is unknown.

The body of a man was found inside a car in the river at the boat ramp in Multnomah County. Nobody knows what the deal here is yet.

Fire Season 2005

• A fire caused by an illegal backyard burn consumed 2 acres before being extinguished on Sauvie Island.

Oh, great! Local fire departments have radios that don’t work very well. They have frequent trouble communicating with other radios. You know, wouldn’t you think that after 9/11 when this sort of thing hampered the rescue effort on the part of New York City’s first responders, that the government would have taken steps to insure that it didn’t happen elsewhere? Shucks, that might cut into their handing out of “no-bid” contracts to their buddies.

Katrina’s Devastation

• The hospitals in New Orleans are in much worse shape than was previously thought. Well, worse than previously thought if you didn’t bother to keep up with the stories that were coming out of New Orleans during Katrina Week, perhaps. The death total for Katrina is up to 883, by the way.

• Oregon Responds: 150 more Oregon National Guard troops are heading home after working to clean up the hurricane-affected area and saving lives.

• “Measure of Hope,” a benefit to assist displaced musicians was held over the weekend in Portland. Several New Orleans-based musicians have made their way to the Portland area after Katrina.

• 4 Portland area volunteers are heading home after rescuing at least 80 pets.

Straight from the Marvel Comic universe, it’s Storm Team 12! Whatshisface, the weekend weather weasel, was on hand early to tell us that Tropical Storm Rita has 50 MPH winds and is wandering around the Atlantic. It’s expected to move west to the south of Florida and may or may not hit the Keys and, eventually, Texas.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

• “KPTV’s Nicole Sanchez” told us about a drive-by shooting outside a woman’s house in Seattle. No one can figure out why the woman, who got non-life-threatening injuries, was being shot at.

• A hawk with West Nile virus has been found in Lake County, Oregon.

America Tonight

• That train in Chicago that hit another train, killing 2 people and injuring 80? Funny story. It was going 60 MPH faster than it was supposed to.

• Again, we heard about Jeb Bush’s son being drunk and disorderly and resisting arrest. The senior Bushes must be absolutely horrible parents; their kids are forever getting in trouble with the law. Don’t look at me like that. I’m serious. These kids have had every advantage in the world and therefore don’t have the excuse a lot of other people might. Are we supposed to feel sorry for these spoiled little bastards? Throw the book at ‘em!

• Striking Northwest Airlines mechanics decided to block a road leading to an airport, causing mucho problemo for the scabs replacing them. Some of the strikers got themselves arrested.

• Michael Schiavo, husband of Terri “Liquified Cerebral Cortex” Schiavo, is writing a book to tell his side of the story. The title is “All You Phony Pro-lifers Can Go Fuck Yourselves.” Actually, it’s “Terry: The Truth.”

World Tonight

• Hmm, something’s up. North Korea unexpectedly dropped their nuclear weapons program. Those sneaky little bastards have something up their sleeves, says me.

• Happy Afghanistan Election Day! Low turnout, though.

• Speaking of elections, Germany has a new Chancellor. The count was really close, though, leading the incumbent to bitch that he should have won.

• Israel’s Sharon met with Kofi Annan at the U.N. in New York. This probably means something, but damned if I know what that something is.

Fight For Iraq

• A homemade bomb left an American dead in Iraq.

• 2 more people died in an explosion in a coffeehouse. Yup, obviously the sign of “last throes.”

Break.

The St. Johns Bridge, first opened in 1931, reopened on Sunday, after 2 years of repairs. Many people apparently felt the need to walk across it.

The Race For The Cure screwed up the center of Portland on Sunday until mid-day.

Break.

The first condor to be born (hatched?) in Oregon in a century was released in California. And what did we get in return? Nothing! This relationship with California is dysfunctional, if you ask me.

Katrina’s Devastation (seriously, shouldn’t someone immediately name their band “Katrina’s Devastation?”)

Mark Lyzewski brought us the intended-to-be-heartwarming story of a bunch of Franklin High School kids raising money to send to the victims of Katrina.

Sprint-Nextel, too fucking cheap to simply give the hurricane victims some new cell phones, is collecting old cell phones from the public instead. Thanks for the “generosity,” you half-a-monopoly.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

• Uh oh, Breaking News again. Unfortunately, other than the fact that the medical examiner was on the scene, Embedded Reporter Kevin Coari had nothing new to tell us about the double death in Beaverton.

• Jim Hyde was still lurking about the KPTV “news” van like a pederast near a schoolyard to tell us about some black box kind of thingie that you can attach to your car. It collects information about your vehicle’s emissions; you can then hook it up to your home computer and send the info to the DEQ, eliminating the need to wait in line at their inspection station. It costs $39. and as some people said, it may or may not collect other information you wouldn’t want the government to know about your driving habits.

• Since only about 10% of the British public attends church regularly, some Christians thought it was a good idea to make some “edgy” commercials to lure young people back to the glorified begging fests known as Mass. It would have been nice if we had been told exactly what is so “edgy” about the spots, but all we got was that they feature some soccer player and some mountain climbers. The commercials are to be shown in movie theaters in England.

Katrina’s Devastation (yes, again!)

• A scumbag named Donald Adair was bilking people in the Bergen County, New Jersey area out of money by claiming to be a Katrina evacuee. Notice I didn’t say “allegedly” because he admitted his scam when the cops caught up with him. Just so you know, Bergen County is the first county you go through when you cross the George Washington Bridge from New York.

• The cops and FBI are trying to find and confiscate the weapons stolen in New Orleans in the aftermath of the hurricane. They claim to have found some of them already.

• Go figure! Some of the people who have been given debit cards by the Red Cross have used them to buy non-essential items. I agree that it’s stupid behavior, but ultimately, so what? If they use the money to buy stupid, useless shit, it’s less money they’ll have to buy themselves food, etc. When you give money to people who don’t have any, it’s inevitable that some of them will do dumb things with it. No, I am NOT saying that they shouldn’t have been given the money, just that there’s always a certain percentage of people who will do unwise things. Twas ever thus.

Hollywood Buzz

• The Emmys were held on Sunday. I actually like some of the shows that were nominated for awards, but the older I get, the less I can get excited by the rich and famous congratulating themselves for being rich and famous. Jesus, the friggin’ “goodie bags” they give to people appearing on stage at the Emmys contain gifts worth $25,000! Yes, really. Everyone of those self-aggrandizing fuckers should donate everything in their goodie bag to victims of Katrina.

• Memphis is going to be the site of an annex to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is in Cleveland. Yup, Cleveland, famous for rockers like….uh, well, somebody cool must have come from Cleveland!

• Chicago was Jamie Foxx Day in Chicago. This story wasn’t all that interesting, but it was a load of laughs watching Hilary Hutcheson (whose part is back on the left side of her head, by the way) trying to stretch this story out so as to end in sync with the Still Inexplicable Countdown Clock. She stammered her way through (paraphrasing), “Yes, it was Jamie Foxx Day. Saturday only and only in Chicago, of course. You can celebrate it every day if you want to.” Oh, don’t worry, Hilary, I have it penciled into every box on my calendar from now until Armageddon. Everyday is Jamie Foxx Day at my house.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

FEMA hasn’t just screwed up the Katrina aftermath. It’s an ongoing train wreck. Click here

The mayor wants people to return to New Orleans. The admiral in charge of the reconstruction thinks it’s too soon for that. Good to see everything is working smoothly now. Click here

The Bush administration is asking citizens to make donations to the rebuilding effort. No, not the one in New Orleans, the one in Iraq. Yes, really. Oh, just to make it even more interesting, they won’t divulge where the donated money will go. Click here

Normally, the Miss America Pageant would have been held this evening. The Pageant has pulled out of Atlantic City, the only home it has ever had for 84 years, however, because of declining TV ratings and revenue in recent years. It has a deal with Country Music Television for next January, but no location has been decided on yet.