Thursday, May 26, 2005

Time for the recap of another episode of Fear Factor...oops, I meant KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show.

Our lead story tonight: "Vanished" It seems two men abducted a woman in broad daylight in Albany, Oregon. When this story started unspooling, with shocked eyewitnesses describing the woman being driven off in a car, my wife said, "Fake! It'll turn out that they were her friends and they were all just fooling around." Am I married to a psychic? We'll find out later in this report (see, I've learned the art of the tease from the KPTV "news" show.)

This story was notable for giving us tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" style comment from a woman-on-the-street at 10:01. That's pretty early in the show, but by no means a record for KPTV's "news" show. The second "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" comment came almost immediately afterward, though, which is pretty unusual. Oh, the "reporter" on this story, Dave Wilson, informed us that "few feel safe." He was referring to people who live in the vicinity of the abduction, not to frequent viewers of KPTV's Scare Time.

We moved on to Fox 12's Most Wanted, which tonight featured a bank robber. Whatever.

Oregon state official have lost track of a sex offender. Gee, didn't they tell us just recently that the state loses track of a LOT of sex offenders? What's the big deal about one more?

There was a meth bust at the Red Roof Inn in Tualatin. It somehow also involved ID theft (and what doesn't nowadays, at least according to the Shock Troops at KPTV?) Oh, this story was related in some way to an earlier ID theft ring, which "Fox 12 uncovered." Oh, really? You REPORTED on it, sure, but "uncovered?" Uh, I think that's more properly credited to the police, but nice try, KPTV Weasels. You're going to throw your arm out patting yourself on the back like that.

Hey, remember that furniture store which got robbed of two trucks and enough furniture to fill them? Well, the cops found the trucks. Unfortunately, they were empty.

Some psycho woman got sentenced to 63 years in jail for murdering her two kids. She'll be eligible for release from prison when she's 95. I just hope she doesn't have any more kids when she gets out.

We now know the name of the drunk driver who went the wrong way on I-95 causing a big ol' pileup (but no serious injuries). John Farrel is your dipso (as Channel 8 reported 24 hours ago). There's a suicide watch on him.

We also now know the names of the four victims of that plane crash the other day. Although there were two men and two women in the crash, we only got pictures of the men. Something to do with the guys having been members of some service club. Yeah, I couldn't follow that either.

A hit and run driver was responsible for killing a toddler in Lebanon, Oregon.

Non-toxic water was delivered to some old folks in a nursing home in Hillsboro where the public water supply is full of cooties, although I don't think that's the scientific term.

Next up was "Team Coverage" of the unseasonably warm weather on Thursday. "Reporter" Jamie Wilson, wielding tonight's first prop, a thermometer, showed us that it was still a balmy 80.8 degrees (who says that KPTV isn't detail-oriented?) at 10 PM. We got video of cute little kids splashing in a fountain. I guess Jamie Wilson is a team unto herself, because she was the only "reporter" in this "team coverage." There's no "I" in "team," but there is an "I" in "Jamie" and I guess that explains that. Or something.

Break.

Back, it was time once again for "Meth Watch." What would a KPTV "news" show be without an update on our friends, the tweakers? Tonight's Meth Watch was a two-in-one kind of deal. Not only were we told about the cops in Keizer arresting a man and a woman for meth-related misdeeds, we also found out about a live-in meth treatment center threatened with closure because of money woes. We were showed a guy who used to be a meth addict who said that the center should stay open. OK, fine, but the problem here is probably that voters went against a tax increase which would have paid to keep the center open. Something's gotta give, folks. Can't have it both ways.

A house caught on fire on Thursday in Portland. We got tape of the conflagration.

Speaking of fire-related stuff, Portland Fire Department personnel trained alongside Mexican firefighters (called "bomberos" we were informed) from Guadalajara. Why were the Mexicans here and not, say, San Diego, a whole lot closer to Mexico? Who knows. They just were. If you're going to keep interrupting me with questions, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Tri-Met bus fares may increase soon. Then again, they might not, but that wouldn't make quite as good a story, right? Let's just say they might.

Northwest Tonight:

*No blood from those two missing Idaho kids was found. I don't know if that's good or bad.
*There are new sex abuse allegations against the anti-gay but gay himself mayor of Spokane, Washington.

A New Iraq (which is completely different from Fight For Iraq, silly):

*2 American soldiers died in the last 24 hours. Were either or both of them from Oregon? Dunno.
*There is a rumor that Al-Zarqawi is dead, but no one seems to know for sure.
*An Oregon soldier was welcomed home from Iraq at Portland International Airport. He plans to re-up and go back soon.

Break again.

Like an old friend who seems to always need to borrow money, Dirty Dining was back! The big gripe this week was bad food storage at a place called Canyon Pearl, a Chinese restaurant in Beaverton. They got a barely passing score of 70 from the health department because they store the eggs above the Kiwi fruit (a no-no because the eggs could drip onto the fruit) and the Windex with the fortune cookies (which is just plain odd). The manager said the problems have been cleared up, yadda yadda yadda.

Break.

Ah, here's that irregularly-scheduled feature, Pump Patrol. Some gas stations charge more for gas than others. Did you know that?

The Automobile Association of America says we should drive carefully. There will be a lot of cars on the road this holiday weekend. Really? Wow. They had statistics that said that a LOT more people will be on the road this year as compared to last year. I'm guessing that's because people have less money to spend on more elaborate vacations.

Speaking of road travel, there is a lot of bad pavement all across America. There's supposed to be money to fix it, but it's tied-up in Congress. So sayeth KPTV.

Say, did you know that there are GERMS in pool water?? As opposed to EVERY OTHER SURFACE YOU'VE EVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN? The Portland YMCA checks the water in its pool every hour, but not every pool owner does. A doctor from the Centers for Disease Control put on his lab coat the better to look authoritative while he told us we shouldn't drink pool water. Isn't anyone paying attention to those signs you buy at Spencer Gifts that say, "This is our OOL. Notice there is no "P" in it. We'd like to keep it that way"?

Finally, after a couple more commercial breaks with the weather sandwiched between them, we got the Final Cut:

Oops, wait! Final Cut was interrupted by Breaking News. Remember the "abducted" woman from earlier in the "news" show. Turns out she DID know the two guys who drove off with her. I AM married to a psychic! The cops charged her with disorderly conduct. KPTV did not apologize for that "few feel safe" crap they threw at us. Scare the audience first, ask questions later.

Anyway, back to Final Cut:

*A "disturbing" video of a car running a guy over in L.A.
*A despondent man climbed up a tall crane and refused to come down (he was still up there hours later).
*An underground transformer exploded near the World Bank in D.C.
*3 missing kids were found dead in Vermont.
*The state of California now offers free sex offender alerts online.
*There was an acid leak in Illinois.
*A deer fell into a pool in Michigan. Despite the promos that implied that it had trouble getting out, the actual video showed it climbing out fairly easily.
*Two idiots tried to drive their SUV across a raging river in New Mexico. They were rescued.
*Pot-flavored lollipops are on sale now in Missouri. Although they are intended for adults, parents of small children were shown on camera predictably expressing their outrage. In the words of Maude Flanders, "Won't someone please think about the children!"

Within the walled community of the Final Cut, we got News Around the World:

*There was a semi-violent protest about wine prices going down in France. Yup, that's all that happened in the non-American world today.

Back to the domestically-oriented Final Cut:

*"Reporter" David Freitas held up his prop for tonight: a laptop computer with a picture of Senator Gordon Smith on the screen. Why? Well, seems one of Smith's assistants got his car stolen by a meth addict. Why not put the assistant's picture on the laptop? You're looking for logic here??

Hollywood Buzz:

*A local actor has a part in the soon-t0-open movie Lords of Dogtown. He's excited about being in the movie. Go figure.
*Bobby Brown says that his wife, Whitney Houston, is really really really off drugs this time and is planning on making a comeback soon.
*Good Day, Oregon is still giving away trips to Disneyland via some overly-complicated process whereby you watch the show, find out the "Song of the Day," then turn to a radio station, wait for the song to play, then call in and hope against hope that you're the selected caller. Then, upon realizing that you have no life anyway, you put a gun into your mouth and pull the trigger.
*The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled that the prosecution could not introduce pictures of Jackson's Johnson.

Lastly, it was time for "Cyber Sting." Again. No perv "gotcha" tonight. This was a yawner about "Nannyware," software you can install on your computer which automatically drops a cyber-dime on Little Johnny by emailing you a list of every place he visits on the Internets. FBI Special Agent Nielson told us this was a good thing to do, so it must be. Special Agent Nielson has never lied to you before, has he?

Oh, Final Cut ended perfectly in sync with its dopey (and still-unexplained) countdown clock tonight. Now that's journalism! High fives to all.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Moscow had a city-wide blackout.
*The U.S. closed its embassy and all other diplomatic offices in Indonesia Thursday, citing a security threat.
*9 dead, 17 wounded in Baghdad in the last 24 hours.
*Tom DeLay is pissed at NBC because of a joking reference to him on "Law And Order."
*Senator Voinovich of Ohio broke into tears over the contested nomination of John Bolton to be U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. Video of this was available, by the way.
*Still not ONE WORD about the real controversies over filibustering in the Senate of funding for stem cell research.