Thursday, Aug. 4, 2005

Oh man, my laptop computer (the one I usually use to type this thing) has crashed on me. I'm attempting to do this on a borrowed computer and it's like something you'd see on The Flintstones with a long-beaked bird chiseling letters into a stone tablet. This won't be easy, but I'm a trouper.

Top Story: This was an example of KPTV just totally pulling something out of their collective ass. Masico Walker was one of last night's Most Wanted. Tonight they just went balls to the wall for the Fear Thing by implying that he had done something or other when in fact there was simply no story to tell here. Yeah, we already know that he's a sexual predator; you told us that last night. Has he committed a new crime? Not that anyone knows about. Eh, so why should that stand in the way of making up a Top Story? In the words of the late Ronald Reagan, "facts are stupid things."

Hey, speaking of sexual abusers, Jason Walker has been arrested in connection with an assault committed last year in Salem.

Some guy with the last name of Jackson has been arrested again. He has a history of arrests. He probably has a first name too, but I was writing as fast as I can and simply didn't catch it. Now, if I was using my usual computer, I'd just open another window and check it out on KPTV.com, but this thing can barely manage ONE window.

There's an investigation into a shooting at the Burger King in Salmon Creek. David Wilson was On The Scene to tell us all about it. The miscreant in question apparently kidnapped 2 people, male and female, and took off with them. The woman rolled out of the car, on purpose, it seems. Maybe she doesn't like BMW's or something. The kidnapper shot himself. He was taken to the hospital and is still alive.

The suspect in the Brooke Wilberger case was in court in New Mexico where he's doing time for some other bad stuff. David Frietas/Freitas is still in Albuquerque so we don't miss a single fact in the saga of the Local White Woman Who Is Missing. Courtney, the acccused, is still fighting extradiction to Oregon. We heard about how a victim of his in New Mexico says he forced her to have sex with him at knifepoint.

Over to Keri Tomlinson in News Control. She told us about how Detective Tony Garbarino of the Newport Police Department connected Courtney to the crime.

Storm Team 12 made an early appearance to tell us that it was hot on Thursday--just in case you were in a cave or something.

Fire Season 2005: There were 2 fires being dealt with along Highway 30. There's also a Burn Ban in several counties in Northwest Oregon.

Break.

Wow, I score again! Wasn't I ranting just last night about how you almost never hear about men who go missing? What did we hear about tonight but a dude who can't be found around the Beaverton area. He's got a Ford Focus which you should look out for. Um, he's also got a name which I would be more than glad to look up on KPTV.com, but, you know, ancient computer.

Remember that van full of locals who were on their way to help with wildfires in colorado that crashed and killed a bunch of them? Was that really 3 years ago? Damn, that went fast! Anyway, their survivors are advocating a recall of some vans on the grounds that they should be safer. Yeah, probably.

Cowlitz County is probably going to cut 76 jail beds. Nobody wants to pay more for the jails that they desperately want. Ain't nothing for free, Cowlitzers! Anyway, they're strapping this week's Answer to Society's Ills, GPS tracking devices, to the people they free, so everything is OK, at least until we get the story from Keri Tomlinson that tracking bracelets cause cancer or something.

Scott Reed, that teacher/coach who licked the leg of one of his students, is getting put on 2 years probation. He will NEVER get away from the reputation of being the Leg Licker. Unless he does something even weirder, that is.

Classrooms in Crisis: The bad news: 50% of the kids in Oregon schools are not at grade level. The good news: 50% of the kids in Oregon schools are not at grade level. Apparently that's an improvement over a couple of years ago. My advice: if you have stock in America, sell short. We're doomed, people.

Traffic alert for Portlanders: they're doing stuff to the Interstate Bridge, so don't take it. It will only leave you shattered and heartbroken, a shell of your former self.

Pump Patrol. Gas in Oregon is averaging $2.47/gallon at the moment, down a penny from the all-time high. Next time, let's attack a country that has oil! Hey, wait!

Northwest Tonight

*Two planes collided in midair in Renton. The smaller of the two, a Cessna, crashed onto the roof of a school. Fortunately, the school is scheduled to be torn down anyway. The NTSB is On The Scene. A pilot and passenger are dead.

*Tracy Matthews is a very bad man (allegedly). The cops are saying that a female friend of his helped him in raping a young woman. Uh, didn't we get this information the other night?

*An extraordinarily stupid (or drunk) woman tried to open the door on a plane which was still in the air. We're told that the other passengers didn't try to stop her. OK, that's it. We are now officially Too Stupid To Continue As A Race.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*Al Qaeda has released a new tape, threatening London and the U.S. I'm waiting for their Greatest Threats to come out on DVD. I hear there's bonus material from Osama on it.

*A suicide bomb in Kirkuk killed 4. Still no word about the 14 (!) soldiers killed the other day.

War On Terror/London Terror

*2 women have now been charged in connection with the recent bombings in London.

*Every right-wing talk show host's favorite whipping boy, the ACLU, is filing lawsuits against the new law requiring random people to open their packages on the New York subway for the cops.

The Space Shuttle--and you know how I feel about THAT rust bucket--has been cleared for landing by NASA. They're not going to worry about the "blanket" aroud the windshield after all. Is there a Vegas line on this thing crashing? I've got a twenty burning a hole in my pocket.

Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist is back in the hospital with a fever. At his age, the sniffles are life-threatening.

Break.

Meth Watch: Some local Realtors and other people with no interest whatsoever in having more properties in good condition to sell are working to fix up some meth houses. They will then sell the homes, using the money they make on the deals to adopt Chinese orphans, I'm sure.

Sprint and Nextel are getting ready to merge, forming the 3rd largest cell phone company in America. They will then raise prices and lay off boatloads of employees, all the while claiming that the moves are "in response to customer request."

The next story was one of those weird things KPTV has been airing lately, that look a whole lot like video news releases but aren't identified as such. It was about the "danger" from green lasers. Green lasers, for reasons I don't understand, can be seen as shafts of light in the air, unlike red lasers where you only see the light on whatever surface they're pointed at. If I found out this thing was sponsored by the Red Laser Manufacturers Association or something, I wouldn't be the least bit shocked. Pete Ferryman did the voiceover on this totally pointless fear piece.

Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

*Ewwww. We saw home video of a guy jumping off a trampoline into a little kiddy-type pool. Bad idea as he landed on his head. Now he's paralyzed.

*A child has died on Ye Olde Mill ride at Rye Playland in Rye, New York, a suburb of New York City. I've been there many times and I've even been on that ride. Rye Playland is the only amusement park in America owned by a governmental entity, the county of Westchester.

*A mentally challenged ("retarded" for those over 35) guy fell from his seat on a Ferris Wheel in Iowa. Did no one think it might be a good idea to ride with this person??

*A truck was dangling precariously over the edge of an overpass in Dallas.

*A pick-up truck owned by a recently hired news paper delivery person was left in gear and went around and around in circles for an hour or so. Funny to watch on TV but probably not so funny to you if you owned the lawn it was trashing.

*A train derailment in Long Beach, California caused no injuries. What fun is that?

*In Reno, the big excitement--besides, rolling drunks that is--is something called Hot August Nights which involves a lot of Baby Boomers trying to relive their youth by showing off the cars they now own that they wished they owned when they were young but their parents wouldn't let them. Damn parents! I'll show them. I'll show EVERYBODY! Um, sorry, I drifted off there for a moment.

*A woman whose daughter was sentenced to 10 years in jail for her misdeeds, objected to the harsh punishment and went nutzo in the courtroom. The judge had to explain to her why trashing stuff in the courtroom is a bad idea.

*A few months back, some teachers thought it was a good idea to handcuff a pre-schooler who got out of control. The court has now ruled in their favor. Jesus, what CAN'T you do nowadays?

*A typo in the local newspaper listed a woman's house as being abandoned or something. Thieves helped themselves to some of her stuff. She would appreciate it if the paper would pony up $3500 for the error.

*Keri Tomlinson was in News Control for this sad tale of a local upholstery business that has had its van stolen. The lady who owns the business is understandably peeved.

*Jackson Scandal Is this old chestnut still around? 2 of Mikey's jurors now say that they think he was guilty after all. The fact that they both have book deals has, I'm sure, absolutely nothing to do with this change of heart.

*Next up, Kimberly Maus told us about a "new type of relationship" of the asexual type. As any man who has ben married for more than 5 years can tell you, there's nothing new about a relationship with no sex. This story, however, was abo young people who choose to be asexual. Freaks! I'm sorry, but that's taking that Straight Edge thing too damn far. There are 4000 of these non-lifes-of-the-party's in a support group.

*Come on, you knew we wouldn't get out the door without a cross-promotion for a Fox show. Kelly Clarkson, of American Idol "fame," was hired by some radio station to present a contest winner with their new car. I've suspected that she's going to end up working boat shows for some time now, but it's too early in her career to be so dangerously close.

Hollywood Buzz

*John Mayer, who I've heard of, I think, is looking for someone to finish a song he started to write. The details of this scam, which sounds to me like a certain someone is looking to outsource his own job, are in Esquire, a magazine that no one has read since Playboy started showing pubes.

I'd love to tell you some of the stuff KPTV didn't mention tonight, but I need a computer that was made after V-J Day so I could open a second window to visit some news sites. In the absence of that, just assume that a LOT of important stuff happened but KPTV didn't tell you about it and you'll be just about right.