8.03.2005

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

It's the special Missing Blonde White Woman edition of KPTV Watch!

Top Story: Hold your calls, we have a winner! There's finally a suspect in the Brooke Wilberger case. 39 year-old Joel Courtney is currently being held in New Mexico on rape and kidnapping charges. The police will hold a press conference on Wednesday afternoon to announce aggravated murder charges against Courtney. All we really know at this point is that he is from Beaverton, where Jim Hyde was On The Scene and that he failed to make a court appearance in Lincoln County on the day of Brooke's disappearance (he called the judge to say he was on the way, but never showed up).

Next we got A Look Back at the Wilberger story so far. This was a rehash of all the stuff we all know--how she vanished, how the cops touted the arrest of the panty thief guy as a "breakthrough" in the case (which turned out not to be true), how some other goof got arrested but turned out to have nothing to do with her disappearance either, etc.

Child Seek Network, some sort of database for rug rat kidnappings, is branching out to include adult disappearances. I'm going to put on my Image Consultant hat for a second and advise them that they need a new name.

Better Late Than Never Department: Did the term "wilding" ever catch on on the West Coast or was that strictly a New York thing? In any event, some disaffected youths went a'wilding on a MAX train back on July 9th, lumping up an innocent rider. This was Caught On Camera and there's a $1000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the destined-to-become-prison bitches kids.

Lucas Rasmussen of Kalama saw a guy he didn't know sitting in the cab of his truck. He kept his cool, which was made easier by the fact that Mr. Potential Truck Thief was apparently high as a kite. Lucas asked him if he would like some coffee and invited him inside to get it. He called 911 while Stupid waited for his Joe. The 911 operator found this all highly amusing and dispatched Johnny Law to the scene. So, off goes Mr. P.T.T. to court. End of story, right? Nope, he is released and promptly re-arrested as he tries to steal another vehicle in the parking lot of the courthouse. Nice going, Slick. Ol' Reliable Jim Hyde was in News Control for this story.

Break.

Rape charges have been brought against a local man who the cops say may have racked up as many as 9 teenage victims.

A Beaverton woman who locked her kids inside a hot car while shopping is looking at a possible one-year sentence.

A missing 16 year-old girl was found on Columbia Island by boaters. She swam across the river to the island, it seems. Damn.

A sex offender is moving to W. 12th St. in Vancouver. He's served his time and hasn't done anything naughty that anyone knows of lately, but the cops just want to panic everyone in the neighborhood...oops, I mean the cops just want to alert the neighbors to his living there now.

Tony Garcia is the owner of the yard that a hit-and-run driver ended up plowing through. The vehicle missed his house by a few feet.

Tuesday was National Night Out. I'm sorry, I completely spaced and forgot to buy you a card. Still love me? Awwww, that's sweet.

Meth Watch

*Again we heard about Cowlitz County considering a sales tax increase to pay for meth-fighting programs. No one seems to know exactly what those programs are; I'm predicting a scandal down the road when we find out that much of the money was spent on stuff like "fact-finding" trips to Cancun (IN season, of course) for the county commissioners.

*Isaac Agee appears to be your basic Big Ol' Meth Addict. He went nutzo and decided to go kill a random person with his car. He crashed it into a guy, seriously messing the guy up. The victim is now an anti-meth advocate (go figure!). He tries to help others from becoming hopped-up runners-over of strangers. David Frietas/Freitas had the baton for this one.

Break.

War On Terror

*15 troops came home to Portland from Iraq. They were embedded with Iraqi troops, trying to get them up to speed to defend their own country.

*There are new warnings about Al Qaeda threats against Americans travelling around the world. Well, that's nice and specific, huh? Can I still drive over to Tillamook to buy some cheese safely? They hate us for our cheese, you know.

*A Maryland employee of the National Institutes of Health has been charged with making an anthrax threat against a Florida tax assessment office. Maybe she was mad because they kept leaving the "s" off the end of "Institutes" on her tax forms. What, that's impossible?

Fight For Iraq

*7 American troops died in Iraq, bringing the total to just over 1800 (not that KPTV mentioned that) and another car bomb exploded in Baghdad. Is a bomb a factory-installed option in Iraq or do you have to go to Car Toys for one? Boy, I guess you have to be careful about saying that a car is "the bomb" there, huh? OK, that's my time. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Break.

An Air France plane went off the runway in Toronto and burst into flames. Amazingly, all the passengers and crew members got off the plane with no serious injuries. Le wow!

OK, who's been calling the Shuttle a "space Pinto" and a "Yugo with wings?" Don't get me wrong; I think the space program is a great thing but trying to run it on the cheap just ain't working. You don't find the cure for cancer at the 99 Cent Store, know what I mean, Vern? One of the astronauts is taking a space walk to try to fix that filler stuff that's sticking out between the tiles on the underside of the jalopy. He had to make a tool out of a blade and some duct tape. No, I am NOT kidding! Hey, NASA, how about you put an emergency friggin' tool kit in the damn thing and leave the McGuyver shit for TV?

"KPTV's Rachel Lee" brought us a story about hurricane season back on the East Coast. NOAA is predicting that there will be at least 11 more storms before the season ends in November. Have we had "Hurricane Condoleeza" yet? I wasn't paying attention.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

*A train derailment in North Carolina caused no serious injuries.

*Beth Geisel, a teacher from the Albany, New York area, has been charged with the rape of a 17 year-old student. Remember Mary Kay Letourneau, the teacher who kicked off this whole wacky "sleeping with a student" craze? When I lived in the D.C. area, I worked (private sector, thank you) with her father, John Schmitz, who was a Congressman from Orange County, California and who once ran for President. If John had been any further to the right politically, he would have met himself coming around the other way. That aside, I always enjoyed talking to him; he had lots of great stories to tell. But I digress...

*Razor blades have been found on the ground at a Newport Beach park. The cops brought in a metal detector to find them all. As my wife pointed out, if it happened in a non-upscale area, it wouldn't be considered such a big deal.

*A body search is underway in Dubuque, Iowa.

*Remember the three little boys whose bodies were found in the trunk of a car outside their home in Camden, New Jersey? Turns out that the car was searched five times but no one thought to check the trunk. Does "Duh!" even cover this? What was I just saying about less diligence in non-wealthy areas?

*A flaming douchebag with a birth certificate flung his kid's puppy 5 stories to the ground in Miami.

*A big gator poaching ring has been cracked in Lakeland, Florida.

*A guy found parts of a frog in his Green Giant beans in Wichita. The company asked him to Fed-Ex the frog to them and offered him some gift certificates to make it up to him. He didn't but he should have said "Ho ho ho" to that.

Northwest Tonight (has KPTV put "Northwest Now" to sleep? Did it not test well or something?)

*Oregon man Justin Harjo died in Wyoming. Why, I do not know.

*Ex-mayor of Oregon City, Bill Downer, is getting 30 days for his little bootleg cigarette scheme. No cute name for this like "Cig Scam" or "Cig Gate?"

*2 moose are loose in Spokane. Unlike the mayor, who is still in the closet.

Pump Patrol: Gas prices are up 3 cents over last week in Oregon.

*GM and Ford are lowering prices on their 2006 cars. At this rate, the cars will cheaper than the gas to put in them. OK, that's my time. I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

*Jim Hyde was back (what a guy!) to tell us about funny money making the rounds. A market in Longview has been getting a lot of queer (old slang for counterfeit currency) lately. The guy behind the counter uses one of those special pens to tell if the cash people give him is good or not. Unfortunately for him, those pens don't prove Jack Shit. Read this: http://www.randi.org/jr/070105quality.html#7

*Ah, it's been DAYS since we got a crucial American Idol update. Bo Bice, which would be fun to sing in "The Name Game" song, broke his foot on stage Saturday. Trouper that he is (and not wanting to go back to working at Sizzler), he has vowed to stay on the Idol tour.

*Legendary New York City venue CBGB's, the closest thing to a Calcutta toilet you'll probably ever see, is going to be saved from closure, thanks to some financial assistance from E Street Band member and Sopranos actor, Steven VanZandt.

Hollywood Buzz

*What would a KPTV "news" show be without cross-promotion? Hell's Kitchen, a "reality" show on Fox, wrapped up its season on Monday night with a mega-episode. On the off chance you care, the winner was Michael who has reportedly turned down the Grand Prize of his own restaurant in favor of interning with the asshole host of the show.

*Finally, some REAL news! Jennifer Aniston is hurt that her husband forsook her for Angelina Jolie, a woman with much better lips.

Party drug Ecstasy apparently relieves Parkinson's disease in mice, bringing hope to shaky mice everywhere.

"KPTV's Gina Silva" brought us this final story about Masai Barefoot Technology® shoes. These fugly things have rounded soles which allegedly--get this!--shift your balance, therefore making your legs work harder, reducing cellulite. Yup, cellulite-reducing shoes! They're named after the Masai tribe of Africa who walk barefoot and have legendarily good posture. So, lemme get this straight, they're shoes named after people who don't wear shoes? Well, that makes sense! Gina conned some woman into wearing them for two weeks and she said that, while they felt nice and all, they didn't do squat for her cellulite. What a surprise. Maybe she should have wiped one of those "counterfeit detector" pens on them. Oh, it costs $235. to wear ugly shoes that don't fix your cellulite.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*President Bush, running out the door on the way to his 50th vacation in five years, said that "intelligent design" should be taught in public schools. I say you shouldn't be allowed to teach anything your students can't spell.

*Remember that Chinese bid for American oil company Unocal that KPTV never bothered to mention? It's been withdrawn. Hey, maybe that's KPTV's strategy: wait long enough and the "boring" stories resolve themselves, so that you never have to bother with them.

*According to MSNBC.com, "For U.S. military officials, the deaths of the six Marines killed in action Monday raises an unsettling prospect: that they may have been victims of someone with inside information." See http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8797271/

*A U.S. freelance journalist was killed by unknown gunmen Tuesday in the southern Iraqi city of Basra, police said Wednesday. Steven Vincent and his Iraqi translator were kidnapped Tuesday evening. (sploid.com)


3 Comments:

At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there watcher,

Just one mistake that I noticed. Jamie Wilson, your favorite "reporter" was on the scene in Beaverton on the Wilberger story, not Jim Hyde.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger KPTV-Watch said...

Because I take notes so fast while watching the show, I write down the initials of the "reporters" on the story. I actually wrote down "J.W." which would obviously refer to Jamie Wilson, but I misread it as "J.H." Either that or Jim has a "hobby" we don't know about. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

 
At 1:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello watcher!

In regards to "Northwest Now"--it makes an appearance in the 5pm version of the 10pm news on Sundays. Yup--it's a two-fer on Sundays: 5 and 10! Two hours of Kevin's eyebrows and Hilary's hair part. What more could you ask for?

Blog on!

 

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