Friday, July 29, 2005

I figured out why last night's KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show was such a bloodfest. It was produced by Rob Zombie. Tonight's show was no House of 1000 Corpses, but it had its moments.

Top Story: There was a stabbing "near" a MAX station. I put "near" in quotes because, although they hyped this story that way, from what we saw, this unfortunate incident had nothing to do with the MAX system. They might as well have billed it as "Stabbing Near An ATM." I mean, there was almost certainly one pretty close, right? Anyhoo, it happened in Hillsboro (and don't you think It Happened In Hillsboro would make a good title for a movie?) at S.E. 10th and Oak. 6 people who may or may not be gang members were involved in a fight and 1 of them ended up dead. Kevin Coari was On The Scene. There's something I can't quite put my finger on about that dude's eyebrows. I'll figure it out eventually.

The Portland Police Bureau, having solved every other crime-related problem in the Rose City, staged a prostitution sting in the Southeast part of town. We got the requisite hide-the-details shots of the faces of the undercover femme cops. Jamie Wilson, who looked freshly made-up, was On The Scene.

Tyler Lupoli, former 24/7 Gym employee and alleged sex abuser, is possibly going to face new charges. The cops now say he had more victims than were previously known about.

Ward Weaver's son, who isn't really his son (Ward has a complicated life) was found not guilty of whatever the hell it was he was accused of. Some form of theft, I believe.

Because the perception of being a place where people get murdered willy-nilly is bad for business and tourism, the Portland Police have added extra patrols and a mobile command center to downtown PDX.

Call me wacky, but wouldn't a time of increased crime (assuming that crime really is on the rise) be the wrong time to cut the police budget? Maybe it's one of those "thinking outside the box" things but the Portland police force has been cut by 100 cops.

Fox 12's Most Wanted: Allen Collins, Jr. is a bad little criminal. He hasn't reported in to his parole officer.

There's been a rash of car break-ins near 119th and Cornell in Washington County. Time to lay off some sheriffs?

Break.

What the hell is going on with Yamhill County? Used to be, you could go months without seeing a mention of Yamhill on KPTV's "news" show. These days, it's Ground Zero for unsettling and/or unusual crime. Tonight's dealie was about cattle rustling. Somebody's stealing cows from the Davis brothers and they're kind of pissed about it. 14 head have gone bye-bye lately and one of the Davises [?] said that the only way that could be happening was that someone had a big truck and was putting the cows in and driving away. The only way, Mr. Davis? What about UFO's? Never heard of The Greys? David Wilson was in News Control, which is where I think the saucers are operated out of. Yes, I am wearing my tin foil hat. Why do you ask?

Meth Watch

*Big bust in Seaside. It was on a tourist. Ha! I kill me. Actually, the Bartletts, Linda and Rob to their friends, were taken off to the hoosgow. Seaside is for lovers, not meth, you silly Bartletts.

*The Combat Meth Act passed in the House of Representatives (not a Rob Zombie movie) on Friday. It's supposed to give the states a steaming heap of money to fight meth abuse. We'll see.

OK, we now know how that Marion County sheriff managed to shoot himself with his own gun. As he was getting out of his cop car, a string on his clothing (windbreaker perhaps?) got tangled in the trigger and pulled it. It's funny in the abstract but I'll bet it hurt like a sum'bitch.

The death of the youth group member hiking near Silver Falls has been determined to have been a drowning.

Aloha's Bruce Walrod, of whom we've heard in the recent past, has been charged with buying alcohol for underage teens. Back in the 70's in the Bronx, I was widely regarded as an asshole because I wouldn't buy beer for younger kids. I bet you wish you were me now, huh, Bruce Walrod.

According to an official-looking guy in a uniform, many of the drownings in Multnomah County annually are due to drinking. Official-looking guys are rarely wrong, especially when they're in uniform. It's just how the universe works.

A house fire at 28th and F in Vancouver, Washington wiped the joint out to an estimated loss of $220,000. Ouch.

Illegal fireworks caused a fire in Salem. No injuries.

War On Terror

*Cutbacks mean that PDX will lose 170 screeners and related personnel. Feel safer yet?

*Brandon Mayfield's challenge to the Patriot Act has been greenlighted (as they say in Hollywood). He's the guy who was accused of being connected to the bombings in Spain despite the fact that he hadn't been there in years. Hey, you convert to Islam, you take your chances in NuAmerica. (joke!)

Break.

So, uh, what's this new thing with seperating the War On Terror and War On Terror/London Terror segments? Anyway, it's time for War On Terror/London Terror.

*The Brits just kick ass, don't they? They made more arrests in the London bombing case. 3 more people are in custody, plus another 1 in Rome. Maybe we should outsource the search for binLaden to Scotland Yard? This was funny: As we saw an eyewitness talking about the cops raiding a house to make the arrests, a Chyron identifying him as "Wayne Garcia" popped up momentarily.

Fight For Iraq

*Another car went BOOM! in Iraq. Insert your own Pinto joke here.

*We saw pictures of Saddam Hussein in court. He repeated his "This trial is a sham and the Iraqi government is a puppet of America" schtick. I don't know about the trial but he's kinda on target with the "puppet" thing, don't you think? By the way, Saddam is all cleaned up now and looking kind of avuncular (good word, look it up).

Break.

We must be getting ever closer to the mid-term elections. The House gave Oregon $2.7 billion for transportation expenses, $200 million of which is earmarked for repairs to bridges on I-5. Oh great, I-5 is going to be screwed up 24/7 with work crews! Thanks a lot, House of Representatives!

Fire Season 2005: There's a wildfire near Klamath Falls. Another fire near a tiger sanctuary is now 50% contained. Yet a third fire near Wall Lake has consumed 32 acres so far and is also 50% contained.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*A bus and a truck had a confrontation on a highway in Connecticut. A fire started and eventually 20 cars were involved in the shebang. 4 people are now dead.

*That big ol' chemical plant fire in Fort Worth continued into today. No casualties.

*We saw video of a 2-alarm fire in Houston.

*The body of a missing man was found in Georgia. He's been missing for a couple of weeks now, although his wife never reported it. She has now apparently skipped town.

*A 10 year-old boy was sitting in his house when a bullet came through the wall and struck him. The cops think it was a simple case of "wrong place, wrong time."

*The police arrested a woman over an unpaid $10 ticket. She's less than amused about the incident, especially as the ticket was actually issued to her daughter. Everybody's for "zero tolerance" until it bites them in the ass. Wanna bet she sues?

*In Hoboken, New Jersey, the usual gaggle of irrational magical thinkers believes that a ratty-looking statue of Jesus has come to life. They swear that its right eye, which is closed, opened by itself. Uh huh. If you believe that such a thing is even possible, please pay close attention to what I'm about to say. Not even Jesus Christ, who is said to have died for the sins of mankind because he loved us so much, wants anything to do with friggin' Hoboken, New Jersey!

*The Red Wing shoe company unveiled the World's Largest Boot in Minnesota. It looked about 10 feet long to me, which is how big a foot I wish I had to kick the ass of whoever made the decision to waste valuable airtime on this stupid publicity stunt.

*Scientists have come up with a new way to reduce the noise of a plane landing at an airport. It involves a steeper approach to the runway. Kevin Coari, who still has weird eyebrows, was the voice-over on this story which appeared to have been initially produced by a Washington, D.C. station, based on the references to Reagan National Airport.

*Daniel Gardner, the burglar from last night's story, is now said to have gone door-to-door in the neighborhood where he staged his little snatch 'n' grab. We saw his parole officer at his computer with the map of where Danny wandered (thanks to his GPS ankle bracelet).

Hollywood Buzz

*Stop the presses! Nicole Ritchie will be back on The Simple Life. She and Paris Hilton had a much-publicized falling-out (assuming the whole thing isn't a publicity stunt, that is), leading people with no life of their own to conclude that Nicole "I have no discernable talent" Ritchie was off the show permanently.

*Julia Roberts is going to Broadway to star in a show titled No One Gives A Fuck: The Musical.

*In a last minute effort to snatch the show from teetering into Real News World, the next story was about how much caffeine is in some coffee. Kimberly Maus (which means "mouse" in German) told us that coffee averages 100-200 milligrams of caffeine per 8 ounces. Folger's, for some reason, has 300 milligrams. So when does Oregon make you get a prescription to buy Folger's? Folger's decaf has more caffeine than other brands, too.

Lastly, the Brewers Festival is in Tom McCall Park this weekend. 50,000 people who have convinced themselves that if they drink microbrews they are "enthusiasts," not drunks, are expected to attend.

And with that, the Final Cut and the Countdown Clock shuddered to a halt.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*1 roller coaster car hit another at Disney's California Adventure, hurting 60 people. The real surprise in this story is that there were 60 people in Disney's California Adventure at one time.

*Astronomers say they have found a tenth planet in our solar system, way beyond Pluto. Astrologists are working overtime to figure out an excuse for why this doesn't absolutely prove that their nonsense is nonsense.

*Speaking of irrelevant douchebags, Jesse Jackson is pissed because ESPN's "50 States in 50 Days" promotion doesn't include the District of Columbia. Uh, maybe because it isn't a state? Just guessing.