Saturday, September 10, 2005

Well, the inevitable reduction in the Katrinafication of the KPTV "news" show has begun. Hey, it's been nearly two weeks since the onset of arguably the worst natural disaster in America history; you didn't think the saturation coverage of it would last forever, did you?

Top Story. Katina's Devastation. "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" appeared on camera but apparently no one told her she was on so we got treated to several seconds of her standing in New Orleans silently before Hilary Hutcheson grabbed the reins of the show and moved on. Ah yes, you can always tell when the Weekend Crew is running the show. Anyway, we got more information about the massive fuck-up known as the Katrina aftermath. More bodies have been found in N.O. The Red Cross says it needs 40,000 more volunteers. Dick Cheney, having been brought back to life yet again, visited the hurricane-affected area to bring that natural warmth he's known for to the victims. 43 medical volunteers have returned from the gulf states to Portland.

Oh, and the on-again, off-again plan to use Washington High School to house victims of the hurricane is apparently off for good. The new plan is to use the school to train volunteers for the Red Cross.

Moving on, Jamie Wilson was On The Scene on West Burnside where a couple of gay guys were attacked outside the Eagle Tavern. James Blunk was talking to some friends at about 2:30 AM when some drunken yahoo decided to try to kick some homo ass. Apparently he wasn't that sure he could do it, though, because he recruited some other morons to assist him. He is now being sought by the police. 5 bucks says that, if he votes at all, he voted for Bush.

The cops who shot and killed the naked guy in Sandy the other day have now been named. I just couldn't write fast enough to catch the names, though. Hey, that's what KPTV.com is for.

Some Charlie Manson-looking dude ran over and killed a female pedestrian in Corvallis.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Hey, remember Jeremy Belden who was mistakenly released from jail the other day? He's getting his mail in stir again. They caught him at his old address. Duh.
• Another guy who has committed sexual assaults locally was caught by the cops in Woodland, California.
• A man suspected of setting 20 or more fires was caught by the cops who set up some kind of sting deal at a dumpster. Now that's a stakeout you don't want to be on.

Demonstrating their unfamiliarity with parts of Oregon outside of the immediate Portland area, KPTV accompanied this story about human remains found on the beach in Salisham (south of Lincoln City) with a graphic of Haystack Rock which is considerably north of Lincoln City. Eh, it's all the beach, right? Geographically speaking, this would be at least the equivalent of accompanying a story about Portland with a graphic of the Capitol Building in Salem.

A member of the Dregs of Society Club (which I just invented) stole a police cruiser only to be caught at a MAX station.

Break.

A member of a California gang who robbed a jewelery store in a Portland mall last October was caught.

A man who accidentally killed a duck back in March was sentenced. There are times when I wish I could write much faster than I do. This is one of those times. I really would like to know how much time you get for killing a duck.

State Representative Doyle (R) has pleaded guilty to 11 counts of misusing political donations. Buh-bye, Mr. Doyle. Oh, the Mrs. is going bye-bye too. I guess she was in on the scam.

Northwest Tonight

• The feds have decided to take radioactive material to dumps in South Carolina and Texas rather than the Northwest. Let the Southeners glow in the dark!
• The University of Hawaii is putting together a study of tsunamis and how they impact coastal areas. Here, I'll give you a headstart: SPLOOSH!

America Tonight

• The cops in North Carolina are seeking a cop shooter.
• A Northwest Airlines plane made an emergency landing in St. Louis. They're the airlines whose mechanics are on strike. Think this little incident will help their cause?
• 2 Baltimore canine cops are dead from cancer. Some of the human police officers have contracted cancer as well and suspicions are that this is because their training facility is built over an old unregulated landfill.
  

World Tonight

• Hosni Mubarek has won a fifth term as president of Egypt. Voter turnout was less than 25%. He should have gone with my suggested slogan: "Hosni is the shiznit."
• Troops are being massed on the Egypt-Gaza strip border. Unrest in that part of the world? Color me amazed.

War On Terror

• Sunday is the 4th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. New York City tested the giant spotlights where the towers were. They're going to turn them on to commemorate the event. Stupid KPTV completely forgot to mention the Pentagon-sponsored "Walk for Freedom" or whatever they're calling it from the 5-sided building over to the National Mall in D.C. In order to "celebrate freedom" you have to have pre-registered with the military. Then you get to walk along a route with fences on both sides (to prevent unregistered people from joining in the walk for freedom, don't you know?) Oh, if this makes sense to you and you participate, you get free plastic dog tags! Yes, really.
• Next was a thumbsucker about troops "remembering 9/11."
• Then we heard that Florida is getting the first new airport to open since 9/11. Ft. Myers is the location. This of course has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the governor is the brother of the president.
  
• Portland is unveiling a new sculpture to commemorate the 9/11 attacks. Because we wouldn't remember the senseless death of 3000 of our fellow citizens without costly tax-supported art.

Break.

Jim Hyde did a voiceover about the Race For The Cure on September 18th in Beaverton. We heard from a man who lost his wife to breast cancer last year and who has since devoted his life to trying to help cure the disease.

Break.

The Oregon International Air Show is on this weekend. The Thunderbirds will perform again on Sunday. Catch them before the inevitable mid-air crash. Don't forget to bring your camcorder. Remember, "legitimate" news shows may not pay for tape of plane crashes but some magazines and tabloid TV shows will.

4 blocks in North Portland are the site of an experiment involving porous paving material. It soaks up rainwater almost immediately. One little problem with this stuff: it costs 30% or more than the traditional stuff. The test is costing the taxpayer $300,000.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

Fight For Iraq

• U.S. troops are going door-to-door in Tal Afar in Iraq, looking for terrorists/insurgents/whatever we're calling them this week.
• Marvel is putting out a comic book--oops, sorry, a "graphic novel"--about the real life experience of troops in Iraq. "Combat Zone" was written by a journalist who was embedded with an Army unit. SPOILER ALERT: A soldier falls on a grenade to save one of his friends. "KPTV's Jonathan Serrie" brought us this government-pleasing story.

Katrina's Devastation: Return of the Jedi

• A Portland church and Shilo Inns are helping to get apartments for some of the hurricane victims. Jamie Wilson was standing next to the KPTV "news" van for this story.
• A woman gave birth six weeks prematurely during Katrina in New Orleans. The baby is so teensy it can bathe in a thimble. Or not.
• We saw video of some dogs being rescued by helicopter from the storm-ravaged area.
• Troops are still seeking holdouts in New Orleans. Despite the mayor's order the other day, so far they aren't making people leave by gunpoint...yet.
• "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" was back. This time she wasn't doing her mime act (if you haven't seen her escape from an invisible box, you haven't lived). She told us that 154 people are known to be dead in Louisiana so far. She was standing in front of a pile of rubble that was a parking lot; ironically there was a sign telling people to park carefully. The water level in New Orleans is dropping and it's expected that the streets will be dry in about a month.

"KPTV's Bill McCuddy told us about the celebrity-packed show on Friday night which was aired simultaneously on 6 major networks and many cable channels.

The Red Cross has raised about $54 million for hurricane relief so far.

Again we heard about America's Most Wanted's website where you can check to find people you haven't heard from who got caught in the hurricane.

And with that, Hilary Hutcheson and Haircut 20.0 ended in sync with the Countdown Clock (which was back again).

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Bush's poll numbers are dismal and dropping all the time. Click here

FEMA head Michael Brown’s former boss on Brown. Click here

That stupid Freedom Walk is going to be “sterile." Click here

It isn't just the head of FEMA who isn't fit for his job. The FEMA guy for the Northwest is unqualified too. Click here

Poor Michael Brown. The media is out to get him. Click here

Congress is working on a pseudoephedrine law like Oregon has. Click here

The government is trying to stop journalists from covering the New Orleans cleanup. CNN is suing for access. Click here

From the Drudge Report:

"Scores of Mississippi National Guard troops in Iraq who lost homes to Hurricane have been refused even 15-day leaves to aid their displaced families, told by commanders there were too few U.S. troops in Iraq to spare them... Developing..."

The government can now hold anyone indefinitely. Click here

FEMA debit cards run out. Click here

The NY Times outlines what went wrong with the Katrina fiasco. Click here