Friday, September 9, 2005

The KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show was wall-to-wall disaster tonight. Hurricane? Katrina? Huh? No, silly, I mean Hilary Hutcheson's new "sophisticated" hairdo. Parted on the right, with a sort of Bunker Hill dealie at the rear right corner.

Top Story. Well, do the math, Sparky. Katrina all the way. Take notes, Rush Limbaugh fans, here's the sound bite you'll be hearing all next week: The Death Toll Seems As If It Will Be Lower Than Previously Predicted. So, if your Grandma drowned before help could reach her, stop sobbing, you America-hater! "KPTV's Doug Luzader" was on hand in the Big Wet to tell us the deal. I-10 is a goner. Michael Brown, the head of FEMA who lied about just about everything on his resume, is gone but not out. The reins of the Katrina relief effort have been taken from him by his good buddy, George Bush, who just the other day said to him, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." Vice-admiral Thad Allen is taking over. The residents of New Orleans who still refuse to evacuate their homes haven't been forced out at gunpoint--yet. Speaking of guns, residents of N.O. are being relieved of their firearms. For once, I think I'm siding with the NRA on this one. If I was in a house in New Orleans, you'd get my guns when you pried them from my cold, wet fingers.

Part-time newsweasel Robin Burke was in Southeast Portland to tell us that, even though the Feds have changed their minds--AGAIN!--about whether to send evacuees to the Portland area (it's off again, for the time being), the local Red Cross now has about 400 new volunteers.

Some students evacuated from the hurricane-affected area have enrolled in local schools, including colleges. Good. I really hope they can get their lives back on track.

Some goofball who needs a healthy dose of Prozac exposed himself to a 9-year-old girl Wednesday in a park in Aloha. Larry, the girl's dad, chased Mr. Happy after he took off in his car, but Ol' Lar couldn't catch him.

So, the cops shot a naked guy on Thursday. He crashed into a few cars, then got out of his and ran into the woods, naked. Did I mention he was naked? The cops showed up and shot him. He'll be wearing a nice suit soon, at his funeral.

One of those "temporary" classrooms that look like the foreman's office at a construction site had its air conditioners ruined when they were shot by a bow and arrow! A bow and arrow! Where do we live, Mesopotamia?? Jamie Wilson was On The Scene, holding some kind of rod as her prop (to show us approximately what an arrow looks like). By the way, this happened in Beaverton, which has only recently entered the Bronze Age, according to people who make stuff up for humorous purposes.

There was a Big! Pot! Bust! in Portland on North Arlington Place. 3 25-year-olds were arrested.

Break.

Katrina's Devastation: The Opera

• Some animal-loving Oregonians are helping to save pets left behind in the hurricane. Kevin Coari and his eyebrows went to New Orleans--and got "embedded" with the Oregon National Guard--for this information. Kev likes to play War Correspondent.
  
• Some Oregon-based soldiers helped save a 65-year-old New Orleans man who was having seizures.
• The Oregon Humane Society has saved 70 pets so far.
• Kevin Coari told us that, although we can't see it, the stench in New Orleans is one of the things he'll remember most from his trip down there. I guess he was on Bourbon Street (if you've ever visited the French Quarter you'll get that joke).
• Buy your 2x4's now. The price of lumber is expected to be going up soon, thanks to the hurricane increasing demand for wood for repair work.
• So, when the Feds said that the Portland area was going to be receiving evacuees before they said it wouldn't and then changed their minds again and then one more time, local people started assembling "comfort kits" for the people they thought would be arriving soon. Since it now looks (again) as if evacuees won't be coming to Portland, the kits are being sent to Baton Rouge.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Registered sex offender and former pimp (damn, I'd love to see his resume!) Anthony Curry is on the loose. The silly boy hasn't checked in with his parole officer lately.
• Tobbie Eaton, wanted in connection with the recent stabbing, is still missing.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• The new Iraq president was Stateside, meeting with Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld. He says he expects American troops to be leaving Iraq "soon." Yup, any day now. Hey, Optimists Club, I think we've found your next Man of the Year.
• Some members of the Louisiana National Guard returned home. Great timing! Welcome to Little Fallujah, brave warriors!

The city of Portland will start distributing posters called Heroes On Call that list who you should call in the event of an emergency.

Northeast Portland has a new FBI Forensic Lab. Can CSI:Beaverton be far behind?

Break.

Northwest Tonight

• A California therapist was attacked by a momma bear in the woods near Seattle. Dr. Shrinkydink was on vacation with his daughter when they came across Ursa Major. The big hairy thing sank her teeth into his scalp. He doesn't blame her though, saying that she was only trying to do what he was trying to do: protect his kid. The docs have stitched his scalp back on and he's expected to need six months to recuperate.
• Massively-breasted porn star Mary Carey was arrested for touching her boobage in a strip club in Lakewood, Washington. She got a plea bargain for 2 misdemeanors, saying that it shouldn't be illegal for her to touch her own fun bags in a strip club. I'll repeat the offer I made a few weeks back: Any strip club owner who is sick of being harassed by the police and local blue laws should get in touch with me immediately. I have an idea which would require minimal cost and would make your establishment the most famous "gentlemen's club" in America overnight. Oh, by the way, Carey says she is going to run for governor of Washington. Seriously.
• The case of West Nile virus found in Benton County, Washington is the first one detected in several years. Congratulations, sick person, whoever you are.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

A Michigan apartment fire has left 24 families homeless.

His 2 pit bull dogs saved the lives of a Colorado man and his wife. They scratched on the bedroom door when a fire broke out in their home. See, it's the damn liberal press that gives pit bulls a bad name!

A bridge was deliberately imploded in Waterloo, Iowa. It blowed up REAL good!

The woman who "found" the finger in her Wendy's chili has been found guilty, along with her husband. Of what, exactly? Filing a false finger-related claim? Anyway, she's looking at a possible 9-year sentence. He's facing up to 13.

A woman was charged with being a public asshole, or something like that, in connection with her climbing way up high (and falling way down to the ground) during the recent Rolling Stones concert at Fenway Park. I got PAID to attend some Stones concerts in Madison Square Garden back in '72 when I was a security guard there. Ha! Bite me.

$5 says this was in West Hollywood. Some gay people held a rally in Los Angeles to protest governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's promise to veto a bill to allow same-sex marriage in California. So what if he previously supported same-sex marriage? Can't a guy change his mind on an issue when his poll numbers are plummeting?

World Tonight

• Homemade bombs went off at a Pakistan KFC and McDonalds. No one was killed. Jeez, I didn't know you wanted extra barbecue sauce THAT badly! You coulda just asked nicely.
• Nepal was the site of a pro-democracy protest. Apparently, the recently-installed king of Nepal is being something of a dick.

Today's over-stated crime "sweeping" the Portland area: tree theft! Keri Tomlinson did her best not to look as if she felt foolish standing next to a shrubbery in News Control as she told us of a local couple who had a crabapple tree stolen from their property. Tree thieves sell their booty at flea markets because, as Keri helpfully informed us, "trees don't have serial numbers." Don't let the Bush administration hear that; they'll have the military and Homeland Security working on it.

Katrina's Devastation: The Director's Cut

• For all the right-wing radio hosts who immediately said, "Where's all the foreign countries rushing to help US for a change?" there's now an answer. Assistance from Europe and other points on the globe is arriving in the gulf states. ATTENTION CONSPIRACY NUTS: the Mexican army is bringing water treatment equipment and mobile kitchen units north of the border. So far, 90 countries have donated $1 billion worth of material to the relief effort. Some critics say that the U.S. was slow to request assistance from other countries. Gee, it's almost as if the person through whose office offers of help would pass was on vacation during the first critical days of the hurricane or something. Nah, that's crazy talk. Oh, a Swedish plane full of material intended for the relief effort is still sitting on the tarmac (I always wanted to use that word in a sentence) in Sweden, awaiting permission from the U.S. to go to the South. An offer from Cuba to send doctors has been rejected, though.
• Say, there's "KPTV's Doug Luzader" in New Orleans again. Turns out that the death toll in New Orleans may be less than previously feared. Yeah, you told us that already, Doug. He also told us that Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been "reassigned," although both he and Wayne Garcia both said that "reassigned" was the nice way of putting it.
• Among the people evacuated to Massachusetts are 5 registered sex offenders. The state is trying to figure out how to handle the situation.
• We saw video of some penguins from the New Orleans Aquarium of the Americas being caged up for relocation to other places. Most of the animals at the aquarium didn't survive the hurricane.
• More money is going to the hurricane relief effort, courtesy of the multi-network concert which aired earlier on Friday night. I found it interesting that none of the artists on the show were identified on screen. Was that them being modest or a sign that they think they are so famous that ID's aren't needed? By the way, the black accapella group you saw singing with Rod Stewart toward the end of the hour was the Persuasions. You've probably never heard of them, right?
• America's Most Wanted has a list of missing people on their website. You can also go there to let friends and family know if you're a victim of the hurricane and haven't been in touch with them since the evac.

Lastly, if you're a fan of large explosive airborne explosions, you'll love the Oregon International Air Show in Hillsboro until Sunday.

Hey, what happened to the Final Cut Countdown Clock? WE WANT CLOCK! WE WANT CLOCK! Uh, wait, that doesn't sound right, does it?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

This'll piss you off. Click here

Say, here's a politician who won't let a silly little natural disaster get in the way of partisan politics. Click here

Want the deets (as the kids say) on just HOW full of shit Michael Brown, the head of FEMA is? Click here

Did I say the other night that 2 of the guys directly under Brown were unqualified? Add a couple to that number. Click here

Heard about the guy who said, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney" to the vice-president. Didja know he's a doctor? Click here

Here's a list of the 25 stupidest things politicians have said about Katrina. Click here

Oh, by the way, remember those $2000 debit cards FEMA was distributing to the hurricane victims earlier this week? The project has been stopped after 2 days. Yay, bureaucracy!