10.02.2005

Saturday, October 1, 2005

On a different note, Saturday Night Live had its season premiere tonight.  I smiled three times, making it the funniest SNL in 15 years.

Top Story.  Car into bar.  Some doofus drove into a bar in Southeast Portland.  David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene.  This was funny: Davey was telling us about the dangerous intersection the bar is at.  The camera panned away from his mug to show us...no cars at the intersection of Belmont and Grand.  Oooh, that’s scary!  Anyway, the crash happened at about 10 PM Friday.  2 people who were hurt are now out of the hospital.  1 was in surgery.  Really?  At 10 PM on Saturday, a person who was hurt on FRIDAY night was still in surgery?  How likely does that seem?

A memorial service was held for the young man who died last Friday under mysterious circumstances.  The cops still don’t have a suspect or motive.

Nurse practitioner Anna Rufo allegedly hit her adopted Chinese daughter with an aluminum bat.  You know, Anna, we have kids right her in America you can hit with a bat.  You don’t have to import one.  Sheesh.

2 things that looked like bombs caused a big ruckus in a Northeast Portland neighborhood.  The bomb squad had to bring in the robot and everything.  People were evacuated and still no one said, “You don’t expect that in this neighborhood.”  Hey, KPTV, you’re slipping.

Oh, I’m not entirely sure I understand this next story.  A guy from Tacoma, I think, pleaded not guilty to the rape of a girl.  The girl has run off with her legal guardian.  The last part of that sounds very familiar.  I’m sure we’ve heard it before.  I guess the “news” part is the Not Guilty part.  Or not.  I’m confused.

There was a Big! Heroin! Bust! in Longview.  A man and a woman, both described as heroin addicts, were arrested.  

Storm Team 12 says a road near the White River is closed.  Uh, I think we know about that; it’s from the rain the other day, right?  

Good thing Billy Joe McAllister didn’t jump off a bridge over the Fanno Creek instead of the Tallahatchee Bridge ‘cause if he had, the pollution from the sewer runoff might have killed him, even if the fall didn’t.  Like the way I did that?  You’re welcome.

Northwest Tonight

  • “KPTV’s Nicole Sanchez” was on hand to tell us about 12 construction workers who were injured when a 93-unit condo they were working on collapsed in Tacoma.  Then the mayor of Tacoma, who is definitely not gay—just ask him--even though he hired hunky young men to work on the city payroll and admits to hanging out in Internet gay chat rooms, ran to the site to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the sweaty, well-chiseled hard hats.  Or not.

  • Hey, speaking of the mayor of Tacoma, a judge has ruled that an attempt to recall his sorry ass is legal.  Game on!

  • An Oregon dog has tested positive for Dog Flu.  I guess this means a lot of dogs will miss some school days or something.

Oregon Responds

  • Members of the local Humane Society have returned home from a trip to New Orleans during which they managed to save a measly 8 animals.  Yes, I’m happy the little doggies and kitties are OK, but doesn’t 8 seem like a small number for such a big effort?

  • 150 medical volunteers are sought from the Portland area to go down to New Orleans to help the sick and injured.  

Break.

America Tonight

  • Some guy attempted “suicide by bomb” at a football game at the University of Oklahoma.  That’s just a little Rube Goldberg, isn’t it?  Doesn’t anyone just eat a fistful of pills anymore?

  • I forget the method, but some brutal killings were committed in Georgia.  There are 5 dead and 7 people beaten in trailer parks there.  “KPTV’s Rich Elliott” told us that the cops are looking for 2 black guys who seemed to have been targeting Mexican immigrants because, as a neighbor said, “Mexicans have all the money.”  Ah, yes, it’s just like the old saying, “As rich as a Mexican immigrant!”  I know the South doesn’t have a monopoly on stupidity, but you gotta admit, Southern Stupidity is a special kind of stupid.

  • A 4-year-old girl was found wandering the streets of Queens, New York.  The cops have arrested the guy who seems to have killed her mom, then dropped the little girl off on the sidewalk.  I believe the girl was actually found several days ago, but hey, KPTV can’t be Johnny On The Spot for every gruesome crime, can they?

  • Somewhere in this great land of ours, an 8-year-old boy is accused of beating his baby sister to death.  Ah yes, the children really are our future, aren’t they?  A very dark, bleak future.  

  • Hey, speaking of the Culture of Life, a scumbag in California used “gay panic” as his defense in the murder of a transgendered woman.  See, he took her home, then discovered that she was genetically male so that whole wacky “murder” thing was just inevitable.  He got a whopping 3 years for killing another human being.  I think Justice put the blindfold on after hearing about this so she could pretend she didn’t see it.

  • God played one of those little ironic pranks He’s so fond of when a tree branch fell on a man in a cemetery, killing him.  Oh God, you kill me.  Actually, you’ll eventually kill all of us, won’t you?

  • In Dayton, Ohio, a man flying a reproduction of a World War I plane crashed, breaking his nose.

  • And on the Lighter Side, a female turtle in Iowa named Bubba is constipated.  Yes, this actually made the “news” on a major market TV station.  A turtle can’t shit!  Gas up the van!  Let’s roll!

World Tonight

  • Corsicans rioted, throwing Corsican rocks at the Corsican police.  In Corsica.  Napoleon was from there.  He was the short guy feeling himself up in the portrait who ran France for a while.

  • A ridiculously rich guy bought himself a seat on a Russian space ship for a trip to the International Space Station.  (I thought they abandoned that rust bucket.)  Then he told Jodie Foster, who is an atheist scientist, that he had a second “Machine” (as a backup to the one which a crazy guy destroyed) which could transport her to an alternate universe (or something like that) where she could see her father (or his holographic doppelganger) played by the guy who was a doctor on St. Elsewhere.  

Break.

War On Terror

  • This is definitely going to hurt tourism:  Multiple bombs went off, almost simultaneously, in Bali, 3 years after similar blasts rocked the same island.  “KPTV’s Molly Henneberg” told us that the American embassy, exhibiting more of the genius of the current American government, said the terror level on Bali is “high.”  Now that’s the kind of expertise we pay them for!

Break.

Saturday morning there was a big pile-up of cars on the Sunset Highway, near the Sunset Tunnel.  In Sunsetville, perhaps?

Parts of Martin Luther King Boulevard were cleaned up on Saturday by teens belonging to a group called “Nothing Is Impossible.”  Oh, yeah?  Let’s see you split an atom with an X-Acto knife.  Or keep Paris Hilton’s legs together.  Anyway, the clean-up was free, although donations were accepted from local businesses.

It’s Flu Season.  Damn, I forgot to buy you a card.  Anyway, the same inoculation clinics I mentioned yesterday are still on Sunday at a couple of local malls.  Hey, if you’re feeling flu-ish, you should have enough initiative to find out which malls on your own.

Awww, it’s tonight’s Story Designed To Tug At Your Heartstrings!  So, there’s this doctor, see, who volunteers to help the sick in rural Honduras with free medical and dental services.  That’s nice, right?  OK, here’s the twist: he has arthritis in his knees and he can’t pay for medical services for himself because he lost all his money when a bank in Honduras failed.  OK, I’m seeing Morgan Freeman in the role when they make the movie.  Anyway, some kind souls at Providence St. Vincent Hospital took pity on him and fixed his knee for free.  He has a wife, but I’m thinking that in the movie, maybe he meets Nicole Kidman who plays the beautiful and brainy American surgeon who works on his leg.  They fall in love and, together, they go back to Honduras where they help the poor natives of a small village, played by the Harlem Globetrotters.  I’m having a little trouble figuring out how to work that routine the Globetrotters do to Sweet Georgia Brown into the plot, though.

Fire Season 2005

  • Thanks to the work of thousands of firefighters, only 2 homes were destroyed in Southern California by the wildfires.  

  • A young couple had their wedding in a backyard as California burned around them.  It’s sweet that these two irrational lunatics found each other, isn’t it?

  • 1100 acres have burned in Burbank.  If there’s a God in Heaven, this included everything needed to produce the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

A local dealer has donated two ATV’s to the Fairview Police Department.  Now the overweight police chief has another excuse for not exercising.  The ATV’s are used to patrol walking paths in the woods in Fairview where, according to Chief Walking Heart Attack (his Indian name), graffiti on light poles is definite proof of gang activity.  Hey, Sherlock Holmes, in the Bronx, where I come from, corpses with knives in their spinal columns are the proof of gang activity, not some spray paint on a friggin’ light pole.  Hop off the go-kart and grow a pair, Inspector Clouseau.

Not only is it Flu Season but it’s also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  So, that’s why Fred Meyer had Christmas decorations out on the shelves today!  David Frietas/Freitas, who has never laid an unwanted hand on his domestic partner, was at the KPTV “news” van (perhaps even live) to tell us that 75% of the calls received after dark by the Clackamas County 911 center are domestic violence-related.  

Fox 12’s Most Wanted

  • Daniel Chafe, homegrown maniac, accused of 13 counts of rape and abuse of minors, was featured on Saturday night’s episode of America’s Most Wanted. Another feather in the Rose City’s cap.  

Fight For Iraq

An explosion in Iraq killed 2 Danish troops.  Another one in Kirkut killed 4 and injured 10.  Isn’t it always the way; that single Iraqi battalion capable of fighting on its own is never there when you need it.

“KPTV’s Jane Yamamoto” ambled by to tell us about Lori Mann, a professional photographer in Costa Mesa, California, who is taking soft-core porn shots of the wives of troops in Iraqi to “raise their morale,” a euphemism for giving them erections.  So, porn is a positive thing if it involves your wife and it raises your “morale?”  What about if your girlfriend sends you some hardcore shots?  Is that OK?  What if she sends you some video of her making out with a female friend?   How about if a buddy mails you that Paris Hilton video?  Is that still an acceptable “morale builder?”  I’m just trying to understand where “morale building” ends and “busting a nut” starts.  I thought porn was one of the Greatest Evils in Society.  Jacking off is OK if soldiers, “protecting our freedom,” do it?

Hey, speaking of sexual hypocrisy, Yahoo has released the results of a “study” (translation: they felt they needed some press so they made some shit up) about how more older “daters” are using online services than ever before.  Yup, that’s what people do online: “date.”  

Google has submitted a bid to provide free Wi-fi service to everyone in San Francisco.  12 other companies are in the running for the contract.  OK, you know the cable companies, which make mucho dinero off high-speed cable Internet services, are going to fight this tooth and nail.

Hollywood Buzz

  • Paris Hilton has called off her engagement.  Hmm, where have I read this before?  Oh, yeah, RIGHT HERE!

  • O.J. Simpson was signing autographs at a comic convention, I think in L.A.  I don’t know if this is the same one KPTV previously reported as being in San Diego.  Anyway, even though it cost people $95 to have a double murderer scribble his name on something, they people who run the convention say he wasn’t profiting from the appearance.  Huh?

  • The Arizona rehab center Kate Moss is allegedly in will not confirm that she is there.  The publisher of the local newspaper says a British tabloid offered him a lot of money if he would send a photographer to get a picture of her entering the facility.  The video cut off before we could see what he told them, although it was implied that he refused.

Some local high school marching bands competed at Hillsboro Stadium.  Was there a prize for Most Mangled Version of a Song You Used To Like?  Back in high school, my friend Walter Murphy, musical prodigy and composer of the theme song for Family Guy, used to write arrangements of songs like Hey Jude for our marching band while announcements blared from the P.A. system.  I couldn’t figure out how he could concentrate.  Yes, I only wrote that so that I could drop his name.  Nyah nyah.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

  • Remember how, when the Bush administration proposed giving more sweeping wiretap powers to the FBI, some people said it would misused and the Bush people said the Bureau would be really, really careful.  Turns out, not so much.  Click here

  • OK, this is one of the most suspicious things I’ve seen in ages—and I watch Hilary Hutcheson’s hairdo change every night!  A potentially dangerous bacteria tested in the 60’s as a biological weapon by the military “just happened” to be detected in the air over the crowd at the anti-war rally last weekend in D.C. Click here

  • Want some more information about that bacteria?  Happy to oblige.  Click here

  • FEMA continues to do that great job they’ve been doing.  Click here

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