Sunday, October 2, 2005

I’m having my annual mid-life crisis right now but I’ll do my civic duty and make fun of Hilary Hutcheson’s hair.  If I don’t, the terrorists might win, after all.

Top Story.  According to the cops, 2 men tied up the Salem 911 Call Center for about 40 minutes so that they could try to rob some stores.  This semi-clever stunt happened about 7:07 PM on Saturday.  The caller claimed that his Dad was dying and paramedic units responded, to find no dying guy, of course.  Well, they got caught by an off-duty cop at the scene of one of the break-ins.  Someone thought to check to see if they had a cell phone and if the phone had made a 911 call.  You can fill in the rest.  They’re cooling their heels in a Marion County jail now.

An old guy was stabbed in Wilsonville at about 3 AM.  Meth-related?  Isn’t everything these days?

Still no suspects in the Case of the Fake Bombs in Northeast Portland (I think I read a Hardy Boys book by the same name).

For reasons unknown, 54-year-old Patricia Walker of Hillsboro felt the need to shoot her husband, Gary.  According to Debra Wilson, who was On The Scene, Patty did a good job ‘cause Gary isn’t among the living anymore.  Neighbors, who were suitably shocked that such a thing could happen near their homes, said that the Walkers had moved to Hillsboro about 2 years ago from Tillamook and that Patricia had said she wanted to move back.  There’s just no satisfying that bitch!

A car drove into a cop car at I-5 and I-205 in Vancouver.  It’s a big ol’ DUI-Fest.  Hilarity ensued, I’m sure.

A man suspected of arson in Albany back in April is finally getting his Constitutionally-guaranteed day in court this week.  

Meth Watch

• Congresswoman Darlene Hooley will show her face on Monday at a Meth Roundtable and Dunk Tank (well, Meth Roundtable anyway) on Monday in the Portland area.  It’s all about the kids, you see.  The blasted-out-of-their-minds-on-meth-cause-you-just-don’t-understand-me kids.

Northwest Tonight

• Because every other social problem in Seattle has been effectively dealt with, the mayor is pushing a new law which would keep strippers 4 feet away from the patrons in bars.  No, this has absolutely nothing to do with pandering to people who get all bent out of shape over anything to do with sex.  Nothing at all.

• “KPTV’s Nicole Sanchez” showed her face to tell us that 2 15-year-olds and 1 16-year-old have been arrested in the “blunt force trauma” death of a man in Belleview, Washington.  The cops aren’t saying who the victim or the alleged perps are.

Cue the sad music, it’s Katrina’s Devastation

• Almost all the water has been drained from the streets of New Orleans.  I think that means that nothing but 3-eyed fish will be able to live in Lake Pontchartrain for the next century.

Oregon Responds

• 40 hurricane survivor cats are being flown from Texas to Portland.  I truly am glad that the cats didn’t die in the catastrophe, but I’ll bet that if I was found dog-paddling in the toxic soup down there, I’d have to beg to get a plane ticket out of that hellhole.  Moral: if you live anywhere natural catastrophes can strike, keep a cat costume handy if you expect to be helped by your fellow humans.

Break.

America Tonight

• More than 20 old people died when the tour boat they were on flipped over on Lake George in upstate New York.  “KPTV’s Alison Camarata” told us that no one is sure yet why the Ethan Allen went tits up.  

• 2 people died when a tanker truck crashed into 3 cars in Nashville.

• Next up was more about the 4-year-old girl found wandering the streets of Queens, New York.  Hey, at least in tonight’s story, KPTV acknowledged that the girl was found last week instead of pretending it just happened.  The girl’s mom was allegedly killed by her boyfriend.  Many families have offered to adopt the girl.

• A hostage standoff followed a traffic stop in Arizona.  The cops had to use tear gas canisters to force the miscreants outside where they were arrested.  Ever notice how many ugly incidents follow “routine” traffic stops?  Maybe we should outlaw traffic stops.

• Next we got what was basically a recap of the story about the 21-year-old man who committed “suicide by explosion” outside a football game at the University of Oklahoma.  None of the 84,000 people inside the stadium was injured by the blast.  They probably thought it was part of the halftime show.

• An 87-year-old man is accused of an arson at a nursing home which killed one person.  See, you can be active in your Golden Years!

• There was a deadly fire at a motel in New Jersey.  Some residents say the exit doors were locked (which would be illegal).  The landlord denies that, however.

• There was a Federal raid on a company in Champaign, Illinois.  The company is suspected of making the steroid involved in the BALCO/Major League Baseball scandal.  My sister lives in the Bay Area and she showed me, from the highway, where BALCO is located.  It’s like an industrial strip mall-kind of deal.  Very inconspicuous.

• The NAACP protested a Neo-Nazi concert in Georgia.  What was I saying yesterday about Southern Stupid being a special kind of Stupid?

• New Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts attended a special “Red Mass” in a Catholic church in D.C.  I had 12 years of Catholic school and I’ve never heard of a “Red Mass.”  

• Hey, speaking of organized superstition, some people somewhere are dumb enough to think that their statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary is “miraculously” looking down rather than up now.  OK, seriously, I want to know why nonsense like this is given air time on a “news” show.  If I called KPTV and told them that monkeys had miraculously flown out of my ass, would they put me on the air?  If not, why not?  When you get down to it, it isn’t any more ridiculous or physically impossible than a statue that changes on its own. I have no doubt that these people are sincere, but they are delusional and their superstitious nonsense shouldn’t be treated as a serious news story.

World Tonight

• An Australian tourist just happened to be running his video camera when one of the explosions went off in Bali.  Stuff went boom!

• Hurricane Otis, the Hurricane You’ve Never Heard Of Before, didn’t hit Cabo San Lucas, Mexico but it did make it rain a lot in that resort town.  Now where is Van Halen going to go for vacation?

Break.

The state of Oregon will be ending “Going Home,” a gang rehab program described as having successfully returned over 100 people to society because its $2 million Federal grant will run out next Spring.  The state says other programs will try to fill in the gap.

Break.

The 16th Annual Memory Walk for Alzheimer’s was held in Portland on Sunday.  I wanted to join in, but I forgot.  Oh, right, like you didn’t see that one coming!

Katrina’s Devastation (with added Vitamin C)

• Sunday was Day 3 of New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin’s plan to repopulate his city.  “KPTV’s J.J. Ramberg” was all over Nawlins to show us how different parts of the city fared differently after the hurricanes.  The French Quarter is dry and starting to reopen for business, while Lakeview and the Lower 9th Ward don’t look too good.  Electricity has now been restored to about 28% of New Orleans.  I love specific statistics; they sound so authentic, don’t they?

• Jefferson Parish, Louisiana is trying to reopen its schools.  Volunteers are coming in from all over the place.  The schools will open 1 hour earlier than usual every day to try to make up for the lost time.

Fire Season 2005

• Although firefighters in Southern California are gaining ground against the wildfires, there’s a fear that there may be more to come.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

• Debra Gil was at the KPTV “news” van but apparently not live (there was no “live” Chyron) to tell us that some local schools will be using drug-sniffing dogs to assist with random searches of lockers.  Every day, with every little encroachment against our freedom and liberty, we slide closer to fascism.  “But,” you say, “you don’t understand.  It’s a different time.”  So, freedom is only practical when things are going perfectly, like an umbrella that only opens on sunny days?  Interesting.  I’d say that means that the “American Experiment” is a failure.  But, hey, I’m just a fat guy here to make jokes about Hilary Hutcheson’s hair.  What do I know?

• Money is being diverted from the smokers’ Quit Line to “outreach” programs.  I have no idea what that means for smokers—or anyone else, for that matter.

• “KPTV’s David Lee Miller” was on hand to tell us about the ridiculous attempt to teach “Intelligent Design” in the public schools in Dover Township, a boil on the ass of York, PA.  The ACLU is fighting the law that would require teachers to read 4 paragraphs about the I.D. “theory” to students.  The supporters of “Intelligent Design” say that their “theory” which says that the universe is “too complex to not have had a designer” isn’t necessarily talking about a God.  Uh, oooo-kay.  Want to explain to me what other universe-building entity it could be talking about?  I was a radio DJ in York, PA and I’ve been though Dover Township many times.  Trust me, the best argument against “Intelligent Design” is Dover Township (although the mall there did have a Chick-Fil-A in it).  Putting aside the disingenuity behind the support for “Intelligent Design,” one big problem with it is that it isn’t a theory in any sense.  It’s an opinion, at best.  Listen, you want to teach your kids ridiculous nonsense about the world around them?  Go for it, Bubba.  Just put them in a religious school and pay for it yourself.  It’ll mean that my kids won’t have to worry about competition from your kids in the workplace.  Oh, also tell your kids that they shouldn’t dare apply for any form of government assistance when they can’t find gainful employment; I don’t want to support willful ignorance.

• Next up was a time-killer about schools on Staten Island, New York City issuing “digital yearbooks.”  After all the blather about how high-techy this was, we found out that the discs come inside a conventional print yearbook.  

• “KPTV’s Rebecca Gomez” followed that with this story about cell phones for pre-teens.  “Only” 5% of kids in that age group have their own cell phone, you see.  Uh, about 0% of them have their own cars, but nobody takes that as a sign that Fisher-Price should start manufacturing SUV’s.  The fact that something isn’t being done doesn’t automatically mean that it should be done.  Just saying.

• “KPTV’s Jennifer Phillips” brought us tonight’s Obligatory American Idol story.  People in Greensboro, North Carolina will soon have the opportunity to have their dream of becoming a singing star burst.  Low-paid production assistants will weed them out long before they ever get the chance to be rejected by Simon Cowell and his lackeys.  In case you’re a bigger masochist than I am and still want to try out, to apply for this kick in the ass you have to be between 16 and 28 and you need 2 forms of ID.  Jesus, it was easier to get my driver’s license!

Hollywood Buzz

• Jodie Foster’s Flightplan, a movie about a woman who gets on a plane and loses her daughter, only to be told by the plane’s crew that she didn’t get on with a child was Number One at the boxoffice this weekend.  Oh, by the way, the character isn’t crazy.  She really did have a daughter with her; the whole thing is a ridiculously convoluted plot by some people trying to take over the plane.  The undercover Federal Marshall on the flight is in on it.  See, now you don’t have to see this stupid movie.  I did you a favor.

• Serenity was Number Two this weekend.  Corpse Bride was Number Three.  I don’t know their plots, so I can’t spoil them for you.  Sorry.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Recently, we told you that the CIA is all fucked-up.  Hey, guess what?  So’s the FBI.  Feel safer yet?  Click here

• The poorer and less well-educated an American is, the more he or she is likely to believe that the recent hurricanes are God trying to tell us we’re on the wrong path.  Quite an endorsement for organized religion, huh?  Click here

• Funny thing.  You go on TV saying that you think the head of a country should be killed and he’s likely to take all his country’s money out of your country’s banks.  Click here

• The host of This Week with George Stephanopoulos  says he has been told by a reliable source that the cover-up in the case of the outed CIA agent extends to the offices of the president and vice-president.  Click here