Wednesday, July 20, 2005

This is interesting. On Wednesday morning I was contacted by an anonymous person who told me about an article in the current Willamette Week. It's titled "First. Live. Loco" and is about KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show.

So, I go and read the piece (http://www.wweek.com/story.php?story=6530 ). At first glance, the article seemed to me to be a kind of condensed version of this blog. OK, it's not as if I have a patent on the idea of critiquing KPTV's "news" show, right? Then I found the following:

“Some would call Fox 12's recurring "CyberSting" features entrapment. The station teams up with a group of cyber-vigilantes called Perverted Justice to entrap would-be Humbert Humberts by constructing fake Lolitas online. When targets agree to meet the "youth" in person, they show up at door for the "rendezvous" and instead are greeted by a Fox camera crew and a reporter shouting questions. Tonight, Perverted Justice's three cyber-sleuths nail a guy named Nick. In an online chat, Nick asks a fictional teenage girl if she wants to try "going down" on a guy. When Nick shows up at the Gresham house where Fox 12 lies in wait, reporter Kerry Tomlinson springs the trap, chasing Nick down the street.”

Hey, that's not bad writing! Uh, but where have I read some of it before, especially snarky references to"cyber-vigilantism" and the novel Lolita? Oh, that's right--on this very blog! Take a look:

“Ah, finally, the kind of sleazy shit we've come to know and love from KPTV: I-Team Cyber Sting. Every ratings period, major and minor, of late, Keri Tomlinson hooks up with the Perverted Justice guys and gals to ensnare would-be pederasts. Never mind that some police officials around the country say that Perverted Justice's brand of cyber-vigilantism gets in the way of real police work. There's video of pervs with that deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes to Catch On Camera. And isn't that what's REALLY important here, folks?

”Tonight's wannabe Humbert Humbert was Jesse Lapham. He showed up at the house KPTV rented, thinking he was going to hook up with a young teen girl. When Keri--not a young teen girl--answered the door, he took off faster than Star Jones heading for an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

I can give them the "cyber-vigilante" thing, but "Humbert Humbert?" So, this is the secret behind Willamette Week's Pulitzer Prize-winning reportage? Hey, Zach Dundas, if you are going to rip me off, at least name your source. Although, given the remarkable "conceptual similarity" between your article and this silly li'l blog, I can understand why you wouldn't want to draw attention to my humble non-Pulitzer-sanctioned efforts.

In next week's Willamette Week: The Hilary Hutcheson Hair Part Watch.

Ah, but I digress.

Top Story: Murdered. Jessica Koon is dead. She was found at the bottom of the stairs at her apartment complex in Gresham. Christopher Jones, her boyfriend, is the suspect. Koon's body was found by Jones' aunt. The cops will have more info on Thursday.

Hey, remember the guy with no previous record of violence who went nutzoid and stabbed someone in downtown PDX? Attempted murder charges have been filed against him, poor crazy bastard.

Jerome Lentini, the doctor who allegedly injected industrial Botox not approved for human use into his patients, was in court, as God intended.

Brett Harter is accused of making several death threats and stalking Lars Larson, human gasbag. Larson's several dozen fans anxiously wait to hear whether or not he will be making his annual appearance at the Tillamook County Fair where, if there is a God in Heaven, he will be trampled to death by cattle.

There was a big ol' propane gas explosion at Dallesport, Oregon. A trailer park was evacuated. Someday, scientists will discover that disasters have a natural attraction to trailer parks.

Fireseason 2005. David Frietas was in Warm Springs with a map in hand to tell us about a HUGE forest fire in the area. In a scintillating demonstration of the concept of "wind," Dave threw a loose handful of dirt into the air. It fell almost straight down, proving that the air was still. Screw Bill Nye. David Frietas is the REAL Science Guy!

In a sort of follow-up, Mark Nelson explained "dry lightning" to us (dry lightning is the cause of a lot of forest fires, apparently).

Oh, but cigarettes cause a lot of forest fires, too. 6 in 2004, to be exact. A bill in the state house would require that cigarettes sold in Oregon be self-extinguishing. Is that even possible? I'm sure that the legislators checked into it before they wrote the bill, right? 'Cause just writing a bill to require an industry to manufacture something without knowing if it was doable would be kinda stupid and perhaps even irresponsible. And politicians are never stupid and irresponsible.

Jim Hyde was in Northeast Portland to tell us about electricity in water being dangerous. Seems some docked boats have ground wires that dangle into the water and that can kill people. Lucas Ritz, a 6 year-old boy died from just that a few years back. Jimbo utilized a hair drier as his prop for this story, just in case you weren't familiar with the concept of "electrical appliance."

A child drowned in a backyard pool in Salem. The paramedics who responded to the call could not revive the kid.

Break.

We got a story about the busted chop shop in Salem yesterday. We got another one tonight. Hilary Hutcheson, whose hair part is still on the left (attention Willamette Week!), told us that the joint had about a dozen or so dissected cars in it. Oh, one of the two guys busted for the operation lived with his Mom. That's it: Guilty as charged! The cops say the place had about $30,000 worth of stuff in it.

A while back, we heard about Douglas Morgan who had amassed 7 DUII's. Add one to the list. Go, Doug, go! No, wait, DON'T go!

A West Linn payroll clerk pleaded guilty to using city credit cards to rack up about $90,000 in bills. She lives in West Linn, for Chrissakes! What else was she supposed to do for fun??

Oh, Thursday night's Dirty Dining segment promises to be a doozy! They're gonna tell us about local restaurants with really low health department inspections scores. It'll be retchalicious!

Former Oregon governor Kitzhaber helped catch a bad guy. The alleged perpetrator was running through the lobby of the building Kitzhaber was in. The Kitz chased him and stuck his foot in the revolving door, jamming the guy inside it.

Northwest Now (did they really have a meeting where someone made the executive decision to change "Northwest Tonight" to "Northwest Now"?)

*A convicted rapist is back in jail in Snoqualmie, Washington. His new (male) victim may be HIV+.

*Outgoing Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor was in Spokane. While there, she said that she was "disappointed" that President Bush didn't pick a woman to replace her. Then she shouted "Chicks Rule!" and pulled down her pants to show off her new butt tattoo. Or maybe not.

*The authorities closed a "drug tunnel" from Lynden, Washington to Canada. "Drugs" like crack or "drugs" like Prozac? I'm wondering.

War On Terror/London Terror

*Hamid Karzai visited the new memorial in London for the victims of the recent bombings. Gee, do you think that was intended to show Westeners that not all A-rabs are suicide bombers?

*One of the suspects in the London bombings has some "ties" to an Oregonian from Bly. As every regular KPTV "news" viewer knows by now, "ties" to Oregon, no matter how tenuous, are enough to make a story "local."

Visa and American Express are cutting ties (hey, there's that word again!) to Cardsystems Solutions, the company that exposed millions of card holders to possible ID theft.

Break.

Oregon is mad at the Feds for trying to screw with the state's assisted suicide law. The Bush administration is firmly in favor of state's rights--other than issues concerning marijuana, abortion, assisted suicide or gay marriage, that is. You want to have a 65 MPH speed limit, though, they'll have your back.

Judge John Roberts put on his knee pads before meeting with "key Senators" on Wednesday. He is, of course, President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court. While Bush was telling the world what a swell guy Roberts is, his young son was showing off by dancing stage left of the podium. Will anyone have the balls to oppose the guy's nomination because he has a gay son?

NASA now says the Space Shuttle will go up next Tuesday morning. My personal opinion: it will "go up" all right, but not perhaps in the way they mean.

Toyota Siennas have shitty seat belts and have been recalled as a result.

Break.

Someone in Britain got clever and came up with the abbreviation "ICE," meaning "In Case of Emergency." They advise people to program one number with that listing into their cell phones so that emergency workers will know who to contact if you get into an accident, say. They're trying to get Americans to do the same.

Thursday's Good Day, Oregon will have some blather about healthy breakfasts. We got a preview including the radical suggestion that you make your breakfast before you go to bed in case you're rushed in the morning and don't have time to make anything more than raw Pop Tarts.

Next we got the return of "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" to tell us about Hurricane Emily still heading for Lower Texas. Shivley taped this one earlier in the day, apparently, so there were no shout-outs to "Wayne" like on her report last night.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America (although the Chyron said "America Tonight." See, even they can't keep those two straight.)

*A naked guy went cuckoo in Philadelphia and had to be shot by the cops. He died in the hospital.

*The guy who, as reported on Tuesday, allegedly assaulted a girl in an Orlando elevator has been arrested.

*The heat is killing people in Phoenix and Nevada. It's been as high as 120 degrees there the past few days.

*A plane crashed in Saginaw, Texas, not to be confused with Saginaw, Michigan. The thing was so demolished that they couldn't even read the tail numbers.

*Sulphuric acid caused a lab explosion in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

*A bear attacked a teen in Colorado, causing a non-serious injury.

*A giant shark was caught by a crew competing in a giant shark-catching competition. Irony of ironies, they didn't win because they arrived back at the dock a few minutes past the deadline.

*Gay marriage is now the Law of the Land in Our Neighbor To The North, Canada AKA America With Some Of The Sharp Edges Filed Down. It was already legal in most of the provinces and territories up there anyway.

Meth Watch. That dopey bill to make you have to get a prescription to obtain cold medicines with pseudoephedrine passed. Jamie Wilson spun the Big Wheel of Random Locations and went to Hillsboro to tell us about this. As you might expect, drug manufacturers are against this bill which is now awaiting the governor's signature.

Although I seem to recall KPTV doing a story about this before, we heard tonight about "New Alcohol." It's known as AWOL-Alcohol Without Liquid. You stick this Blue Velvet-looking thing on your face and inhale alcohol mist. We got opinions from several young hipsters, including "Melissa Lashbrook, Moderate Drinker" as the Chyron said. Is that what it said under her high school yearbook picture?

Hollywood Buzz

*James Doohan, "Scotty" from Star Trek, died. No, I am NOT going to make a stupid "Beam me up" joke. Every lame-ass blog in Creation is going to do that. This blog supplies story ideas to Pulitzer Prize-winning alternative weeklies! We have higher standards, damn it!

*The video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas has hidden sex scenes in it that can only be viewed after you download a program that unlocks them. Presumed Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has cranked up her outrage (which can only be viewed during campaign season) over this. In response, the company that makes the game is changing its rating from "M" to Adults Only. It's moments like this that make me glad to be middle-aged.

Having exhausted the Perverted Justice gag for a while, I-Team 12 (AKA Keri Tomlinson) has moved on to getting all apoplectic over former Corvallis Teen Court judge Otis Ashley. Ashley actually founded Teen Court, which sounds like something I'd expect to see opposite Oprah.

Ashley was convicted of fondling a 15 year-old girl and was convicted of 1 count of sex abuse in the 3rd degree. He wasn't crazy about Keri showing up at his doorstep with a camera and asked her to turn it off. We were told that he now claims to be innocent of the charge and "threw himself on a hand grenade to save his family."

Ah, but the plot gets even thicker. Ashley apparently has lied to people about being a Vietnam War POW. He is a veteran but not a POW and was kicked out of some vets groups for the claim. He says the V.A. told him to call himself a POW. Yeah, that's believable. Ashley got himself a special plea deal that will erase his record if he keeps himself out of trouble.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*How shitty does your "news" show have to be to forget to even mention the anniversary of Neil Armstrong's walk on the Moon? I realize that mankind's first visit to another heavenly body, arguably the greatest technical achievement in history, isn't as important as a guy stalking Lars Larson, but still...

*Forty-nine percent of those in a poll taken by the Pew Research Center said they believe the president is trustworthy, while 46 percent said he is not. Bush was at 62 percent on this measure in a September 2003 Pew poll and at 56 percent in a Gallup poll in April. Hey, where'd that mandate go?

*American oil company Unocal has decided to accept a bid from Chevron for purchase of the company, even though Chevron's bid was lower than that from a Chinese oil company.

*Scientists are questioning the safety of a Star Wars-style riot control ray gun due to be deployed in Iraq next year.The Active Denial System weapon, classified as "less lethal" by the Pentagon, fires a 95GHz microwave beam at rioters to cause heating and intolerable pain in less than five seconds. So, if this thing kills you, are you "less dead?"