Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Let's jump right into the deep end of the pool, shall we?

Top Story: Hmm, let's see. There's so much going on in the world right now. What could today's Top Story possibly be? Karl Rove's treason? President Bush's Supreme Court nominee? Well, in a more perfect world, yes, one of those would be the "Top Story," but this is KPTV, where actual news gets glossed over in 15 seconds--when it gets mentioned at all, that is. No, tonight's "Top Story" is a Little League in S.E. Portland that had some equipment stolen. Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, Lents Little League!

Fox 12's Most Wanted

*There's a rapist in downtown Portland. Except maybe not. But if there is, it isn't the same rapist we were told about a week or two ago. Seems some guy walked up to a woman and asked her if he could take her photo. She got all weirded out by that and notified the cops. Her description of the would-be photographer sounded like a guy who committed a rape in Portland in April of 2004. That vague, possible, "connection" to a guy who committed a rape 15 months ago was enough for KPTV to shout "rape" in a crowded media market.

If I was a member of the Portland Chamber of Commerce or Tourism Board or something, I'd drive my ass over to KPTV's Beaverton building and slap the taste out of the news director's mouth for allowing bullshit like this to go on the air, frightening potential investors in the area and terrorizing women in general. Debra Gil was the "reporter" on this piece of fear-mongering.

*The FBI is looking for two A-holes who robbed a local bank.

*Was Darrell Sky Walker involved in a murder? Dunno. If you see him, call the cops.

*Kirt Witlow (cool name, Dude!) allegedly threatened his girlfriend so now he's in trouble.

*April Hall, an attractive blonde white woman (the Most Valuable Species in all of TV news) was murdered. She is the second member of her family to be killed in the past few years. The guy she was dating is the suspect in the crime. They were dating since March and Mr. Boyfriend allegedly wanted to get married but Hall wanted to just keep dating. Her friend and neighbor who babysat for her two daughters told one of them that "Mommy will be home soon." That strikes me as perhaps not the best thing to tell a kid when, clearly, Mommy is not coming home ever. I'm sure she meant well, though.

A chop shop in Salem was busted. Lotsa car parts.

Two sex offenders who are registered in Washington state were busted for hitting on young women in Lincoln City. They're carnival workers. I'm shocked. Those carnies always look like such salt-of-the-earth regular Joes, don't they?

Kevin Coari was On The Scene in Beaverton for this stupid pointless story about purse snatchings being on the increase in the area. No, it's not entirely pointless that a particular crime is happening with increased frequency. It's just that we got a montage of Women On The Street who clearly knew nothing about the alleged increase in purse snatchings, but were reacting to the field producer, or intern, or whoever actually put the video together, trying to scare them by informing them that--as is the KPTV "news" mantra--they were In Danger.

Break.

Meth Watch

*In one of those typical over-reactions to a problem exhibited by most politicians, the Oregon legislature is considering requiring a prescription for any cold medicine containing pseudoephedrine. Anyone want to bet me that this does nothing whatsoever to reduce the meth problem?

*Speaking of political over-reactions, Cowlitz County is in the process of making itself look stupid to more rational humans by increasing its sales tax to "fight" meth in some unspecified way. Oddly enough, some Cowlitz residents are actually asking where the money would go. To take the pulse of the locals, Jim Hyde hung around a barber shop and asked people what they thought of the tax increase. At the top of the story, Jimmy had a crudely-drawn graph as his prop. Coming out of the video package, Jimbo started to talk, then stopped. The camera was focused on his hands for an uncomfortably long length of time. He was holding the story's second prop: a bunch of dollar bills. Ah, the Tech Screw-ups are back at KPTV and I couldn't be happier. I need a good laugh about 10 each night.

A chicken was rescued from a pick-up truck in Clackamas. It was locked inside and folks were concerned about the bird's health. Come on, wouldn't you love to talk to a guy who has a chicken as a pet and takes it for rides in his pick-up truck? You know there's a missing chromosome involved here.

Classrooms In Crisis

*To save money, Portland is threatening to merge some middle schools with high schools. Apparently Jefferson High in North Portland (which I'm told is predominantly minority) is one of the guinea pigs in this experiment.

Say, did you know that some kids "huff" chemicals to get high? Why, yes, they do! You'll get all the gory details on Wednesday morning on Good Day, Oregon.

War On Terror

*35 Oregon soldiers from the 1042nd Air Rescue unit are going to Afghanistan for 6 months for rescue missions. They're taking 4 helicopters with them.

Break.

Ah, 23 minutes into the 'cast, here's that story about President Bush nominating John Roberts, Jr. for the Supreme Court. KPTV didn't tell you this, but the guy has only been a judge for TWO YEARS!!! Is this guy's resume written on a matchbook cover?

A local judge is being investigated for nasty, dirty stuff. More tomorrow on the 10 o'clock news.

14 year-old sex offender Tarence Foreman is accused of assaulting 3 kids. This kid has a great future ahead of him, huh?

Break.

I had no idea that it's legal to drive in Oregon while wearing those little earbuds like an iPod has. Speaking of iPods, Apple is apparently going to release an iPod capable of playing videos at some point. They'll start having the video material on iTunes in September.

TiVo has signed a deal that will put pop-up ads on your TV screen while you're trying to fast-forward past the commercials. Um, kind of defeats a big reason people like TiVo in the first place, wouldn't you say?

Radio Cabs has given away about 100 bikes to underpriveleged kids in North Portland.

Hurricane Emily is about to hit the Gulf Coast of Texas any time now. "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" was on South Padre Island to show us all the boarded-up windows there. In a nice change of pace, Caroline, while not an actual KPTV "reporter," at least actually produced her piece for Channel 12. How do I know? 'Cause she addressed "Wayne" by name, not once, but twice during her piece.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*A young girl fought off an attacker in an elevator in Orlando, Florida by biting him. She also hit the alarm button. The security camera caught the guy in the act.

*A police officer trying to stop a fight was shot by someone driving by. He's in bad shape in the hospital.

*A killer's home was burned in Wyoming by his victim's family. They acquired the land some time ago.

*A tire plant fire in Wisconsin involved 14 fire departments.

*A worker fell inbetween two pieces of industrial equipment and was trapped.

*Some large dorm buildings in Ames, Iowa were imploded deliberately. Shauna Parsons appeared to be expecting a shot from inside the buildings which never came. Sorry, Shauna. Gee, and she got a new haircut and everything!

*60,000 bees are loose in Tampa.

World Tonight

*A deadly typhoon in China has claimed 4 lives.

*People on the beach in Prince Edward Island, Canada formed a human chain to rescue a woman in the ocean.

Northwest Now (hey, new name!)

*A Level 1 sex offender in Federal Way, Washington is being investigated for suspicion of being a pimp.

*This was a truly pointless story. Kevin Coari in the KPTV "news" van (which had another station on its monitor yet again) told us that prisoners in the Portland Justice Center aren't allowed to get certain things in the mail, like porn (including Maxim magazine and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue). Yeah, and...?

Pump Patrol

*The average price for gas in Portland on Tuesday was $2.35/gallon. A month ago it was $2.19. Hey, remember when George W. Bush was running for president and he said that a president should be able to "jawbone" the Arabs over gas prices? So, uh, when's that jawboning gonna start, Georgie?

Hey, look everyone! It's the obligatory American Idol story. It seems that Bo and What's Her Name aren't getting much radio airplay. Has it occurred to anyone that, just maybe, their songs suck?

Some scientists think that eating dark chocolate is good for your blood pressure? Reason? Flavenoids.

Speaking of People In White Lab Coats That The Bush Administration Tends To Ignore, some Poindexters have found a protein which might be responsible for Alzheimer's disease. That might lead to a cure in the next 5 to 10 years. Accent on the "might."

Tonight's quasi-scientific story was about eating disorders. They talked about "runaway eating" although I couldn't figure out for the life of me why they used that term. Allegedly more older women than in the past are developing eating disorders. We were told that you should eat three balanced meals a day. Gee, really? Why, I had no idea!

Hey, no Hollywood Buzz tonight! I'm rudderless on the Sea of Life without my daily Lindsay Lohan gossip fix. Shauna's new haircut wrapped up the Final Cut with 15 seconds left on the Still Pointless Countdown Clock.

Oh, appropos of nothing in particular, I looked at the guide on my cable system and saw that Home Shopping Network had a show called "Santa's Toy Chest" coming on at 11. Um, it is still JULY, isn't it??

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*The Space Shuttle ain't going nowhere this weekend. NASA admits it has no idea what the problem is. Attention, astronauts: Get Out Now! Use any excuse, but get off that thing ASAP.

*Representative Barney Frank said that impeachment proceedings against President Bush should begin now.

*General William Westmoreland, much reviled by the Left during the Vietnam war, has died at the age of 91.

*Massachusetts taxpayers are shelling out about $350,000/year for 13 staff members to make Governor Mitt Romney look good during public appearances.