Friday, July 15, 2005

Yay, the new Harry Potter book is finally out! If it wasn't for that and Viagra, I couldn't go on living. I'm kidding, I don't really care about the Harry Potter book. And, uh, I don't really need Viagra. I can quit any time I want to! Why are you looking at me like that?

Top Story: Attempted Rapist. Isn't that grammatically incorrect? Don't they mean "Attempted Rape?" Be that as it may, some guy jumped out of the hedge at S.W. 5th and Market in Portland with his pants down and scared the bejeezus out of a woman. KPTV, true to form, managed to find a local woman who gave a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment. David Wilson was the "reporter" on this story and had a wanted poster as his prop. By the way, the attempted rape happened late last month. No hurry on the story, guys.

The alleged murderer of Carlea Cooper entered a plea of Not Guilty. Since they found her body in his car's trunk, it's going to be interesting to hear his defense. I don't think corpses are a factory-installed option.

Fox 12's Most Wanted: Remember Jeremiah Prueitt, he of the unusually-spelled last name? Caught. Unlike Thomas Balmay and a bank robber, identity so far unknown, who are still On The Loose.

Speaking of bank robbers, Ed Vangelder allegedly tried to make an unauthorized withdrawal. David Frietas was On The Scene to tell us about a customer who happened to exit the bank just in front of Mr. Ed. Although Vangelder had a knife, Mr. Customer told him he "wouldn't get away with it" and chased him down the street. The cops caught Vangelder in a nearby park with his shirt and pants off, an apparant attempt at changing his appearance. Not exactly a Master of Disguise, are ya, Ed?

The ex-mayor of Mill City is in trouble for selling cigarettes illegally. He'd charge his customers tax but not pass it on to the government. Tip: You can screw the public out of millions and possibly get away with it, but cheat Uncle Sugar out of a dime and off you go to the pokey!

Someone broke into Fiducial Tax Services, leaving drug paraphenalia in their wake. Since computers were stolen, there are concerns about Identity Theft. Hilary Hutcheson was On The Scene. Her hair part is still on the left side of her head, although it was a wee bit ragged tonight.

3 people were arrested in Woodburn over a big stash of bootleg CD's. It was pointed out in the story that the CD's only cost the bootleggers a few cents each to produce, meaning that their business was very profitable. If bootleggers with their relatively short run of CD's can produce them for a few cents, how little must it cost the recording industry to make them since they produce many many millions? Just something to keep in mind the next time you pay nearly $20. for a CD.

A local deputy forgot his police radio's microphone was on as he swore to himself about the public. The dispatcher tried to tell him but he couldn't hear it, of course, because he was transmitting. Oops.

Break.

Apparently the new euphemism for a hooker sting is "Livability Mission." Keri Tomlinson, freed from the purgatory of spending time with the cyber-vigilantes of the Perverted Justice group, was On The Scene on 82nd St. in Portland. The cops and their fake prostitute, AKA Livability Missionary, caught 6 Johns in an hour and a half.

Meth Watch: Meth labs busts are down. Some ascribe this to the new regulations on cold meds containing pseudoephedrine.

A man drowned in the river near Astoria, Oregon.

A woman is in critical condition after an apartment fire in Beaverton.

The Max system had to close 3 stations temporarily on Friday because of cracks in a track.

Northwest Tonight

*An accused rapist from Washington state was caught in Vegas. Since it didn't happen in Vegas, he didn't stay in Vegas (to paraphrase the tourism slogan). His victim was shown in silhouette because she is afraid he will come after her. That seems unlikely, at least in the short term, because he is in custody, but one can understand her fear after an assult.

*Some kids were screwing around with bottle rockets in Spanaway, Washington. They shot some at a moving car and the 22 year-old driver took exception to their prank. He chased one of the kids who ran into traffic and was hit by a car. The whole nightmare is under investigation.

Hewlett-Packard has announced that they will making some layoffs next week. It is expected that it will involve somewhere between 5,000 and 25,000 employees. In a related story that I just made up, the Democratic Party expects 5,000 to 25,000 new members soon.

Perhaps the continuing unemployment in the U.S. accounts, at least in part, for the success of the Oregon Lottery's new slot machine-type dealies. Lottery revenues are up by about 20% since they were introduced.

Break.

War On Terror

*Falsely-accused of terrorism lawyer Brandon Mayfield is suing the federal government for arresting him. He's challenging the Patriot Act. Best of luck, Brandon.

*Cops with bomb-sniffing dogs are now patrolling Tri-Met stations and trains.

War On Terror/London Terror (yeah, it came second tonight)

*The alleged mastermind of the bombings in London has been arrested in Egypt.

Fight For Iraq

*35 people died from car bombs in Iraq, clear evidence of those "last throes of the insurgency" Dick Cheney recently mentioned. None of the murdered were Americans.

Break.

A Beaverton man has been missing for a week now.

A search paid for by his family will start on Saturday for a missing Yamhill man.

Lappert's Banana Caramel Chocolate Chip ice cream has been recalled. Too many words in the name of the flavor. Nah, I'm just joshing. The REAL cause is bad 'nana.

There is a 6-mile long Superfund site in the Portland harbor. If you catch any glow-in-the-dark fish there, don't eat them.

The health advisory has been lifted at the D River wayside in Lincoln City, Oregon. Apparently, the fecal matter has gone bye-bye.

Fun Fact: Didja know that the D River, which connects Devil's Lake to the Pacific Ocean, is the shortest river in the world? It's true. And now you know.

Mt. St. Helen registered a 3 on the Richter scale on Friday. [shaking my head] "That crazy lava dome!"

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

OK, a note here. On every other night, the Final Cut segment starts at 10:40 and runs to 10:50 or shortly thereafter. Knowing this, I ran to the bathroom when the weather started. I re-emerged at 10:39, which should have meant that KPTV was in commercials, giving me a minute to grab my notepad again. For reasons unknown, the Final Cut had already started. Therefore, it's possibly that I may have missed a story or two. I deeply regret this. Damn you, KPTV and your inconsistant programming clock.

*A convenience store clerk apparently fought back against a robber in Massachusetts. I came in with the story in progress. :(

*A train derailed in Texas.

*A car and a fire truck crashed into a house in Philadelphia. One person is dead.

*The Space Shuttle has now been postponed until at least next weekend. OK, I've been semi-kidding about how the astronauts should beg out of the trip, but I'm thinking now that they really should do it. This friggin' thing is cursed, I tells ya!

America Tonight (hey, A.T., where you been hiding? That imposter, News Across America, has been taking your place lately)

*Some young cretin who is a student at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh wants to be a stuntman. As his video project for school, he took one of AIP's camera and had himself taped hanging out of his car's window as it went down the road at high speed and similar stunts. The school is not amused. I consulted my Magic 8-Ball about this guy and it said, "I see skull fracture in the future." Yes, I have a SPECIAL Magic 8-Ball. Wanna make something of it?

*The Transportation Safety Administration has fired a baggage handler who is a rapper on the side. His rap character is an Arab terrorist and the TSA has little sense of humor about stuff like that. Oddly, I went to Google News to find this guy's name as I didn't catch it when I was watching the KPTV "news" show and I could find no reference to this story. Strange.

*Speaking of stuff I missed part of and can find no reference to on Google News, a guy in Totowa, New Jersey was in a car accident or something and the Bible in his pocket saved him in some way that I missed. I would love, just once, to hear a story about a guy whose Bible flew into his skull and killed him instantly.

*A new super-fast type of beer tap is being tested in Wrigley Field. As a former security guard for the Yankees, Mets and Madison Square Garden, I can tell you that it is NOT a boon to mankind to get large crowds drunk faster.

World Tonight

*Two ships collided off the coast of Japan.

*The French celebrated Bastille Day with elaborate fireworks. Those copycats! Oh sure, they say they hate us, but they copy our Fourth of July stuff when our backs are turned.

Here's that DNA Diet you've been dying to hear about. Kevin Coari drew the short straw and had to "report" on this BS. We heard from some fat guy who claimed to have lost weight on the DNA Diet. As anyone who has so much as one working hemisphere in their cranium knows, personal testimonials do NOT substitute for actual scientific evidence.

Some people in white lab coats who call themselves "nutritional geneticists" claim that they have come up with specific diets based on a person's DNA. They're selling DNA testing kits and "analysis" of them for $200-$400. The National Cancer Institute says it's much too early in the study of DNA to be able to formulate a diet based on it, but hey, a complete lack of actual proof that this nonsense works shouldn't be a deterrent to doing a "news" story on it, right?

*Should you buy insurance for your electronic gadgets? You'll have to wait until Saturday night for KPTV's answer to this burning question. I'm going to make a prediction here and guess that the story says that it depends on the policy's deductible and how much it would cost to replace the device.

*The Harry Potter hype continues! The new book went on sale at midnight (after the "news" was over), so David Frietas was dispatched to the Gresham Barnes and Noble. He interviewed some kids waiting for the book to be available. Go figure, they were excited about the book!

Hollywood Buzz

*Eminem is "rapping" up his solo career later this year. What, like they wouldn't have had Shauna Parsons do that joke if the writers had thought of it?? Mr. Mathers is going to become a producer from here on. NOW who's going to write nasty songs about his mother so she can sue??

Shauna has clearly been woodshedding with Wayne Garcia because she ended just about in sync with the Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham, in the middle of a scandal KPTV didn't bother to tell you about either, has announced that he will not seek re-election. PLEASE tell me he didn't resort to the old "to spend more time with my family" excuse.

*Tourists visiting Disney theme parks in Central Florida must now provide their index and middle fingers to be scanned before entering the front gates. Oh, I'll give them my middle finger, all right!

*Officials who said that the bombs in London were made out of military material, are now claiming that the devices were "homemade."

*The Holy Land Experience, a Christian theme park in Florida, has won its fight to be exempt from taxes like churches are. Most churches, however, don't charge $30. to enter. There is no truth to the rumor that Disney is considering forming the First Church of Space Mountain.