Thursday, July 21, 2005

To quote Jeb Clampett, "Whee doggies!"

Top Story: No, there's Breaking News tonight. You know, since they had Jamie Wilson already On The Scene ready to go and all, one might think that this whole "interrupt the Top Story" thing is really a gimmick, if one had a cynical bent, that is.

OK, let's just roll with the "Breaking News" for a moment. Shooting in Estacada. Hours of negotiation between the SWAT Team and the nimrods holed up inside the house. Standoff. 6 people inside the house. Neighbors evacuated. Police helicopter overhead. Yadda yadda yadda.

Back to the Top Story. A body was found inside a Gresham apartment. There. Are you happy now?

Fox 12's Most Wanted. Donald Scott is from Burns, Oregon, an intolerably hot Hell on Earth by day, a frozen Hell on Earth at night--at least during the summer. He's in trouble for something or other.

David Wilson was in Longview to tell us about a local woman who is in Dutch for forging checks. She got caught passing paper at a Safeway supermarket. She allegedly has a heroin and meth habit. Damn, now I really wish they had shown a photo of her. I'll bet she's a hottie!

The bodies of a couple (heterosexual style) was found in North Portland. They've been missing for days. I guess we know why now. We'll have more information by Friday night's show after the coroner takes his turn with them.

A friend of murdered child Matal Sanchez's parents says she filed reports with DHS on two occasions because she thought they weren't taking proper care of the boy.

Fire Season 2005: The fire on the Warm Springs reservation is out. In that fear-mongering way they have, KPTV informed us that there could be more fires before the summer ends. No shit?

Uh oh, it's Storm Team 12! Isn't that the name of that new movie out now? Oh no, sorry, that's Fantastic Four. Super Newsheroine Hilary Hutcheson was lurking around Beaverton to tell us that hot weather means that kids will use background pools. Is there anything Hilary doesn't know? Anyhoo, while you aren't obligated to put a fence around a non-permanent pool in Washington County, the authorities think it's a good idea anyway. Right, I'm going to buy a $40 plastic pool at Fred Meyer and spend $2000 for a FENCE TO PUT AROUND IT! And when did Hilary become a member of Storm Team 12 anyway? Was there an intra-KPTV "news" draft? I demand answers, damn it!

Next, Mark Nelson (which also sounds like a Superhero's alter ego) came out of his hole early to tell us about the "dry lightning" (lightning with no accompanying rain) in the south end of the valley.

Break.

A McMinnville woman who lives in a group home is missing. It's thought she may have headed to Portland.

The guy who allegedly assaulted a man with a hammer the other day entered a plea of guilty. I know it's an out-of-date reference but would it also be crass to ask if the victim yelled "Hammer! Don't hurt me"?

Lars Larson's stalker has been charged with harassment. He may have obtained Larson's address and phone number from a website which printed them recently. Gee, I thought everyone knew Lars lived in Berchtesgaden with his wife, Eva Braun-Larson. Yeah, it's a cheap shot, but hey, it's funny! I apologize to Mrs. Larson. I still pray nightly, however, that Lars is trampled to death by cattle at next month's Tillamook County Fair. Either that or run over by a flivver during the annual Pig-N-Ford races. Whichever is funnier.

The Sheriff of Clackamas County, in response to a tight budget, seeks to cut 76 prison beds. KPTV "news" viewers, fearing an increase of identity thefts by meth addicted panty thieves, object to the cut.

There was a stabbing at a Max station. We got the usual montage of wetting-their-Wal-Mart-drawers-in-fear Man On The Street types.

A stolen truck is sought. We were lead to believe that it was unique-looking in some way, but the picture we saw revealed it to be your run-of-the-mill beat-to-shit pick-up. For what it's worth, it has Washington plates A79169T

Northwest Tonight (hey, what happened to Northwest NOW??)

*We got our first look at the "drug tunnel" from Lynden, Washington to Canada. Man, nice work! It runs from a temporary greenhouse in Canada to a house on the U.S. side of the border. Canadian and American authorities have been onto this thing for months; the INS had cameras inside the house. After all that, it turns out to involve pot! Sheesh. 5 people were arrested for that. "KPTV's Susan West" brought us this story.

*Tracy Matthews, front-runner for Creep of the Year, allegedly made a 17 year-old use meth before forcing sex on them. I don't think eHarmony recommends that as a dating technique.

*Southwest Airlines wants to build a new terminal at Boeing Field, claiming that there's no room for expansion at SeaTac. Other airlines are whining about that giving Southwest an "unfair competitive advantage." Funny how they forget about that "unfair advantage" thing whenever they want to merge, isn't it?

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror

*Two weeks after the last bombings in London, 4 more bombs went off. 1 person was hurt. Is Al Qaeda involved? No one seems to know. 2 people were arrested, 1 was released.

War On Terror

*Saddam Hussein was shown complaining about his detention, saying that he is being held by the new Iraqi government which, according to him, is a puppet of the Americans. Sure, he's a despotic scumbag who gassed his own people, but you know, the guy has a point here! Where's Johnny Cochran when you need him? "If he didn't gas the Kurds, then 'Not Guilty' are the words!" Or something like that.

*The House voted to extend the Patriot Act. Since it didn't involve panty thieves (although let's just say I've "heard things" about Denny Hastert), this story only got about 15 seconds of KPTV's airtime.

Condoleeza Rice was in the Sudan with an entourage that included NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell. The Sudanese, who obviously don't get the whole "You never put your hands on a celebrity" thing, put their hands on Condi, Andrea et al, shoving the whole lot of them out the door. Condi was all like "I'm the Secretary of State here!" and Andrea was all like "My husband is the Chairman of the Fed" but it didn't help.

Break.

Dirty Dining. Keri Tomlinson reeled in a Big Fish here, Heath Department inspection-wise. The Spinning Wheel in Canby got 42 out of a possible 100 on its health inspection back in April. The inspectors found rat feces, flies and "dangerous food." They told the dump to clean up and came back to check up on things, only to find the place locked up. That's right, Thursday's Dirty Dining segment was about a health inspection from April on a place that has since gone out of business! Way to protect the public, KPTV! While Keri and her camera were there, a semi-toothless relative of the former owners ambled by and told K.T. that the real reason the place closed was that they couldn't find enough help to run it. Uh huh.

Next we got the absolutely vital information that a new Cheesecake Factory is opening at Washington Square Mall.

Remember how Portland wanted to buy PGE? Ain't gonna happen. PGE turned down the offer, saying it was too low. By the way, in case you didn't know this, PGE is part of what used to be called Enron.

Volcano Warning. Mt. You Know Who registered a 3.1 on the Richter scale in the early AM.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America (NOT America Tonight, damn it!)

*An Ohio boy accidentally shot himself with a BB gun. The doctors give him a 1% chance of survival.

*A car/foot chase was Caught On Tape in Miami. They caught the guy.

*In Illinois, the police caught a 76 year-old crack dealer. He said it was a more dignified way to spend his golden years than being a greeter at Wal-Mart. Or maybe I just made that part up.

*The reward for information about Natalee Holloway, still missing in Aruba, has been increased to $200,000. So, what happened with that blonde hair stuck to the duct tape that was found the other day?

*A home exploded in Alabama. A woman was blown out a window in the process.

*There's a monkey loose in Turtle Creek, Pennsylvania! It would be funnier if a turtle was loose in Monkey Creek, but you work with what you have, I guess.

*A boy said a man assaulted him in the changing room at the Wet 'n' Wild water park in Orlando. No child should have to deal with crap like that, but you name a place "Wet 'n' Wild" and you should expect stuff like that, shouldn't you?

*Tahoe City, California is all stinky because of a sewage leak. That's gonna hurt tourism!

Breaking News yet again. Keri Tomlinson is in Gresham. Wait, I'm confused. The Breaking News at the top of the show was in Estacada and Jamie Wilson was on it. The Top Story was the one in Gresham. OK, who screwed up here? Anyway, the "update" was that the cops were waiting for a search warrant to go into the house where the body supposedly was. This "update" did give us tonight's only "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment, though, courtesy of a young girl who lives nearby.

*Cell phone troubles. Hilary and her left-side hair part were in News Control. The Danger to Life As We Know It alleged by this story was that those "no-contract" cell phones that you can buy at 7-11 (you know, the kind that advertise on KPTV nightly) can be used by criminals for misdeeds because the callers can't be traced via bills ('cause pre-pay phones don't have bills).

The notoriously publicity-shy Lars Larson told us he is against "ghost phones" because the guy who was allegedly threatening his and his family's lives might have used one of them to make his calls. Far be it for me to claim that Lars might be trying to capitalize on a crime against his family to get some publicity for his radio show, which has reportedly been cancelled by a couple of affiliates recently.

I suppose it would be tacky to pray yet again for Lars to be trampled to death by rogue cattle at next month's Tillamook County Fair. How about if I just say that if it should happen, I hope I'm standing at a safe distance with a camera in my hand? Is that tacky?

Hollywood Buzz

*Sir Paul McCartney and U2's performance of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" at the recent Live 8 concert is the fastest-selling download ever. Thank God that McCartney and U2 are finally making a few bucks!

Friday morning's Good Day, Oregon will have some crap about outdoor dining. Good for them.

The new national sex offenders registry doesn't include those from Oregon. Plus, not all sex offenders from the included states are listed. Your tax dollars at work.

Shauna took the Final Cut home in sync with the Countdown Clock. Good work.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*In New York City, the police will now conduct random searches of bags carried by people wanting to use the subway, buses or ferries. New Yorkers will have the right to refuse to be searched but they will be turned away from the transportation.

*This is a weird one. A new treaty will give the CIA authority in Ireland! Huh? According to the Irish Examiner, "US investigators, including CIA agents, will be allowed to interrogate Irish citizens on Irish soil in total secrecy, under an agreement signed between Ireland and the US last week."

*Supreme Court nominee John Roberts flew to Florida and volunteered advice to Gov. Jeb Bush whose brother was trying to clinch the election, calling his non-partisanship into question.

*BEIJING (Reuters) - China bowed to months of market and political pressure on Thursday by revaluing the yuan by 2.1 percent and abandoning the currency's decade-old peg against the dollar. I have no idea what this really means for America. Of course, I might if a certain news show I could name bothered with stories like this.