Friday, August 5, 2005

Price of new hard drive to replace trashed one: Expensive
Value of information lost on trashed hard drive: Impossible to calculate
Having to type this on antedeluvian computer: Priceless (and frustrating)

Top Story: Well, lookie here. Remember the deadly stabbing from the other night? Keri Tomlinson does. Of course that's part of her job, but anyway, she was at the Hillsboro Cop Shop for this one. One of the alleged perpetrators, Nacasio Gonzalez, apparently called KPTV to tell his side of the story, which amounted to "he started it" (meaning the dead guy). The whole thing was over a bicycle, according to Nacasio; he was just trying to defend a friend's property. Tha's his story and he's sticking to it.

Of course, his version of events is less than unimpeachable and he didn't help his case by claiming that he was going to turn himself in and then not showing up as advertised. Keri was hanging around in Hillsboro for the Big Event, but since Gonzalez pulled a no-show, KPTV quietly stopped mentioning the whole thing. There'd be no Breaking News on this one tonight.

We pushed on to other stuff. David Wilson was On The Scene at Salmon Street Springs. A man from Washington state had been hanging around there, taking pictures of pre-teen girls in their bathing suits, disturbing their parents and others like Trin'a Wilson (yes, the apostrophe is part of her name) who was described in the Chyron as "disgusted." The perturbed grownups called the cops who had to inform them that taking pictures in a public place isn't against the law. The man, whose name KPTV hasn't gotten yet, told the cops that he wanted the pictures for "personal use."

Jason Norton, accused of sexual assault, has been released until his arraignment. The other night we heard about James Gassner who is accused of rape. We heard about it again, because no scary crime should be "reported" upon only once, right? After all, there might be a viewer who didn't see the first story and therefore isn't yet terrified of his/her own shadow.

Grocer Tong Yi has entered a plea of guilty to groping women. You squeeze the tomatoes, he squeezes the tomatoes. It's all in the definition of "tomato."

A teacher in Gresham who was accused of sexual assault has died. We don't know why,

Is Joel Courtney mentally ill? His brother says so. Bro says Joel is bi-polar. David Frietas/Freitas is still in Albuquerque and says that Joel's wife is still "in hiding" which sounds ever so much interesting that simply saying that she doesn't want to talk to the press right now. Joel Courtney has a history of threatening the Mrs.

A van was stolen from an auto parts business. Matt Gallagher was at the wheel, according to Jim Hyde in North Portland. What Matt didn't know was that the company had installed a GPS tracking system in the van for just such an eventuality. Cops were called, Matt drove hastily in an attempt to elude them but managed to merge the van with the front of a house owned by a Vietnamese person. You'd think Matt would know better, seeing as how he's pulled this whole "running from the cops" thing before.

Break.

That guy who shot himself in the head the other night? He isn't going to have people buying him drinks as he tells them his amazing story of survival, if you catch my meaning. Unless there are bars in the afterlife, that is.

Fox 12's Most Wanted: Tonight's winner (in the loosest sense of the word) is Eric Williams. He's wanted for parole violations. He's also considered dangerous, so, uh, call the cops if you see him.

Meth Watch. The cops raided an alleged meth house in Keizer and found a 5 year-old inside. No, the kid wasn't an entrepreneur, silly; there were also a man and a woman there, too. The adults have been arrested. I have a suggestion for them. They're in deep doo doo anyway, so why not try a novel defense? Tell the court that you belong to the Church of Methamphetamine and that meth is a sacrament in it. It almost certainly won't keep you from being convicted ultimately, but it will drag things out for a while and it sure as hell will make the case a LOT more interesting. Besides, you never know; maybe it will work.

That guy whose first name I didn't catch the other night, Derry Jackson, violated a restraining order. And now you know.

Some guy thought it might be a good idea to take a walk on I-5 north of I-205. Turns out there are cars on that thing. Did you know that? He found out the hard way. Cops suspect it was a suicide attempt. Gee, you think?

A bill to establish a state-wide sex offender data base is going to the governor. Do you think he'll sign it? Does the Pope shit in the woods?

The Oregon legislature finally adjourned. The poor bastards had to work a whole eight months this year. How do they keep up that inhuman pace?

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Darren Dedo" brought us this piece of science fiction about reports of cat mutilation in Edmonds, Washington. The lurid details about heads and paws being found sounded all gruesome and all, until Darren let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, by mentioning (at the end of the story) that it might be the work of a coyote. Next Up: Mysterious Antlered Animal-like Creatures Sighted Scampering In Woods.

War On Terror

*Members of the 41st Brigade have come home. A tear-filled reunion ensued.

"Coffee, tea or nitrocellulose?" A bomb threat found on a Southwest Airlines plane forced it to land prematurely. No explosives were found on the plane.

Call off the APB for that trailer stolen from an upholstery business. It's been found, intact. The business' owner can now park that righteous indignation of hers in the garage again.

Break.

Next we got another of those suspiciously well-produced segments KPTV has been airing lately. Pete Ferryman did the voiceover for this story about credit monitoring services. They charge $50-$200/year to help prevent KPTV's Favorite Crime, ID theft. Seriously, there's been a rash of these stories that I'm willing to bet aren't produced in-house but come from some industry entity. They just have the look and feel of "video news releases."

Break.

Fire Season 2005

*A spark from a combine is suspected of having started a field fire in Washington County.

*Did a human (or "meat puppet" as I call you all) start the fire in Klamath?

*The funniest-named fire of all time, the Funny Face fire, is 35% contained.

*Lewis, Cowlitz and Clark counties are about to have burn bans in effect.

*Fires along I-90 in Montana be the result of arson. We shall see. We shall see.

Weather. Break.

Final cut/News Across America

*Some crooks who robbed a Home Depot in Florida and put employees in the toilet were Caught On Camera. They made off with $31,000.

*There was a chemical fire in Dallas.

*Disney World is turning into the "Deadliest Place on Earth." "KPTV's Steve Barrett" (apparently their Disney beat reporter) told us about a 12 year-old girl who died in the wave pool in Orlando. There was some confusion with the 911 call, as she was described as being 20. Cause of death is unknown.

*Would you be pissed if you got locked up for several years for a crime you didn't commit? 3 guys in Chicago are. They sued the city and collected $1.95 million. What, they wouldn't go the extra $5000 and make it an even $2 million?

*Silver Spring, Maryland, a suburb of Washington, D.C., was the scene of a school stabbing. Isn't school out for the summer? Shouldn't those kids be out stabbing each other in the playgrounds and parks?

*A female teacher has been found guilty of sex abuse of a 13 year-old boy. She got 10 years for her crime.

*To raise money for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, a man swam Lake Superior. I'd give you the name of the man, who lost 15 pounds in the course of his feat, but KPTV didn't bother to mention it. Now if he had committed identity theft as he swam...

*A sure sign that the New World Order isn't just a paranoid fantasy is the fact that Mary Kay is active in China. Did I say "active?" It's Mary Kay's number one international market. Hold me? Suddenly I feel a deep sadness.

World Tonight

*I'm confused. Some Russian sailors are trapped inside a submarine. The source of my confusion? The story said that they were off the coast of Russia but the Chyron said they were west of San Diego.

*Friday was the anniversary of the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Some years back, a disc jockey on WABC, the biggest radio station in America at the time, made a similar announcement, followed by playing "Happy Birthday To You." He was fired on the spot. True story.

*A typhoon is threatening Southeast China, forcing evacuations.

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*Jim Hyde was in the KPTV "news" van to tell us about a Tacoma man who was shown on Cops. Long story but the guy was Tasered and bit by a police dog. That would have been that, but as it turns out, he was the wrong guy. Oops. He's suing and wants the Tacoma police to no longer cooperate wth the show.

*Martha Stewart, Menace to Society, violated the terms of her probation by, among other things, riding an ATV on her property. She's going to have to wear the ankle bracelet for an additional three months as a result. Funny, she never struck me as the ATV type.

*Holy Moley, here's another of those stories that look suspiciously as if they're produced by some outside entity with an interest in the subject matter. This one was about "natural "cosmetics and was voiced by Kimberly Maus. Call me cynical but it had WAY more references to Self Magazine than one would expect to find in your normal news story. I'm just trying to figure out how they're getting around the new law requiring disclosure of who supplies a video news release.

*The other night we got a story about how the 99W Drive-in might have to close because of excessive light leaking onto the screen, making it difficult to watch movies there. Tonight we were told that the drive-in and the city of Newberg had worked the problem out. It might have been nice to know how they did that, but KPTV didn't tell us. Facts, who needs 'em?

And that, as they say, is that.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Public approval of the war in Iraq is at 38%, an all-time low.

*The Feds are releasing fake biological germ weapons on the New York subway and on the streets to determine what would happen in a real germ attack in the Big Apple. Feel safer yet?

*A man sending his weed wacker back to the manufacturer for repair accidentally included five little kittens in the Fed-Ex box. Come on, KPTV, how in the world did you miss this story?? This has Final Cut written all over it!