Sunday, August 28, 2005

I can't wait for my vacation to New Orleans to start this week! Whoo, the Big Easy! Huh, wha..? Hurricane? What hurricane? Katrina? Category 5? Is that bad? Um, anyone want to buy some plane tickets?

Top Story: Must have been a slow news day 'cause the "Top Story" tonight was about the road rage incident from yesterday. I think someone forgot the "new" in "news." The BMW-driving woman who swerved into the motorcyclists, then engaged them physically, is going to be in court Monday morning. The Iron Man of Portland TV news, Jim Hyde, was in the Big Van(couver) for this one.

Speaking of retread stories, Tyler Lupoli, former 24 Hour gym employee and alleged pervert, says he's not guilty. The cops beg to disagree, saying that there may be more victims of his alleged perverting than previously known. So, basically there was no story here.

Story Three was an Instant Replay, too. This one was about Jeffrey Smith, the guy who was assaulted in Portland and, days later, died in the hospital.

Finally, something new! Property in downtown New Orleans may be going cheap soon. Katrina is heading right for Bourbon Street and she's a Kat with klaws! Anyone who hasn't already evacuated New Orleans is stuck in town, as there's a lockdown on. The authorities are going to put the stragglers in the Superdome, which I don't quite understand. They say that N.O. may be under 10 to 20 feet of water soon and, if I remember correctly, the Superdome is right next to the Mississippi. They planning on putting the temporary residents up in the cheap seats or what? If I was being housed there, I'd annoy everyone around me by yelling, "Hey, beer man!" every few minutes. In all seriousness, there is a lot of indication that this thing could lay the city of New Orleans to waste. Check out noaa.gov for the grim facts.

Fire Season 2005

• The Deer Creek fire has eaten up 1600 acres so far. It is 40% contained.
• The Lapine fire, south of Bend, has burned 120 acres so far.
• Fire departments burned some stuff in Clackamas just for shits and giggles, although they called it "practice" instead. By the way, if you ever get the chance to see the comedy team of Shits and Giggles in Vegas, they're HILARIOUS. Caesars Palace, I think. (And for you anal types, I was correct not to use an apostrophe in "Caesars." That's the way their trademark is spelled. So there.)

3 cars were involved in a fatal accident in Vancouver. The police suspect alcohol may have been involved.

Nike's pissed at Beaverton. The employer of child slave laborers is afraid that the town wants to annex their campus. On the off chance that the Chairman of Nike is reading this, I have a question for you, Phil Knight: How do you sleep at night?

Northwest Tonight

• What the hell! A teenage slumber party in Burien, Washington was interrupted by bullets flying through the back wall of the house it was in. KPTV blew the dust off "their" correspondent Nicole Sanchez for this story. I LOVED the name of eyewitness Eang Ol whose name is an anagram for "Angelo." Click here.
• Another "treading water" story on a slow news night. Police in the Bellingham, Washington area are looking for that murderer who wore the "FBI" hat.
• It's the end of an era. "The Whitest Place On Earth," Aryan Land in Hayden, Idaho is for sale. If I had millions of dollars to spend on a great joke, I'd buy the place and turn it into a soul food restaurant where sit-coms from the UPN network would run on giant screen TV's endlessly.
• A Kent, Washington couple celebrated their 70th anniversary this weekend. We watched as they slowly turned into dust on camera. Sweet.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

I always have trouble keeping up with this segment. Since the war in Iraq is arguably the most important ongoing story to Americans at the moment, naturally KPTV runs through it as quickly as humanly possible, making it almost impossible to take notes about the carnage fast enough. Hey, you can't blame them; there are stories about smoking monkeys to get to!

• Well, the new Iraqi constitution is finally complete. So, everyone is happy now and all the various religious factions that make up the nation of Iraq will live together in perfect harmony, right? Um, probably not. For starters, the Sunni Muslims aren't too crazy with the way the government is laid out in the document. Religion is such a force in bringing people together, isn't it?
• A soundman working for Reuters was shot in the back in Baghdad. The police say U.S. forces did it.

War On Terror

• Some Oregon soldiers just back from Afghanistan were honored at a ceremony at the Chinook Winds casino in Lincoln City. America has no greater honor to bestow on our brave men and women than to give them a weekend at an Indian casino with the tightest damn slots I've ever seen in my life. There is unlimited free Pepsi brand product there, though. So, drink up that Diet Mountain Dew, brave warriors!

America Tonight

A bank was robbed in Albany, New York. There must have been more to this story but I guess I didn't get it written down. How 'bout if I just make some stuff up? The people in the bank noticed that the robbers seemed to have tentacles rather than arms and, when they fled the building, they jumped into a space ship and went straight up into the air.

A gas tanker burst into flames on a highway in Florida. 1 child was hurt.

A 4-year-old shot herself with the gun kept on the shelf in the family's closet.

A former Marine held a family hostage in their home for over a full day before committing suicide. The mother of the family was ticked that the cops almost shot her son and DID shoot their dog, although the KPTV anchors seemed not to get what she was saying.

A California woman who contracted West Nile virus was sick for a while, but she's much better now.

Massachusetts police are looking for a teacher who raised money by claiming that she had cancer. Here's the kicker: she may not have had cancer. Yeah, I know, you kind of saw that one coming down the road from a mile away, didn't you?

A "human cannonball" shot himself across the border from Mexico to the U.S., becoming the first person ever to do so. OK, here's my first question: How do you get permission to do something like that? You'd have to deal with TWO federal bureaucracies. My second question: Does this guy actually put "human cannonball" on his resume? You know, I've never seen an opening for a human cannonball on Monster.com.

World Tonight

An explosion on a ferry in the Phillippines left many people hurt.

There was a suicide bombing in Jerusalem. But, but, I thought handing the Gaza strip over to the Palestinians was going to fix everything!

A bull run in Spain--but NOT in Pamplona--injured 63 people. Are there rules to a running of the bulls? Are there running of the bulls referees?

An elephant in Thailand got a plastic prosthetic foot to replace the one that was blown off by a land mine. I love my country and all, but I'm telling you now for the record, the day shit starts blowing up in America because of land mines, I'm outta here!

Break.

Mark Lyzewski had the "honor" of doing tonight's story about wasps and yellowjackets. A basketball-sized paper wasp nest was found in Stayton. The mild winter is presumed to be the cause of the infestation. On a dare from his cameraman, Lyzewski ate a wasp on camera. Or he would have in my perfect world.

Break.

Mountain On The Move

• Everyone's favorite semi-dormant volcano, Mt. St. Helens, had 2 earthquakes overnight. Why you trippin', dog? They was just small ones.

"KPTV's Doug Luzader" was On The Scene in Gulf Port, Mississippi for another Katrina update. If Katrina is as big as it appears it's going to be, it will be one of the worst storms in America history. As previously mentioned, people still in N.O. will be housed for the duration in the Superdome. 3 people have already died in an accident involving a bus.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

HOV lanes are being removed in the Seattle area. The feeling is that they take up space which could be better used by more cars. Others, however, disagree, saying, "Fuck you!" Well, they might say that but they weren't quoted that way in this story. They say that taking away the HOV lanes discourages people from carpooling. "KPTV's Dan Springer" was predictably right-wing on this one, giving the last word to those who say that HOV lanes are a form of "social engineering." Yeah, I guess so, but not nearly as much as slanted news stories on TV.

Back on the local scene, a developer is cutting down a tree which dates back at least 125 years. The developer claims the tree is in the way of whatever the hell the developer is building, although on the video it looked as if it was sitting on a little island in the middle of a parking lot. Money talks, arborea walks.

Italian officials are cracking down on fake designer goods, like counterfeit Gucci crap. Both buyers and sellers are subjected to large fines.

Shauna Parsons provided the voice-over for a time-killing piece about Splenda, the artificial sweetner. Since the main point of the story was that Splenda is "still going strong," I'm going to guess that the video was provided by a Splenda manufacturer. Oh, also according to the story, Splenda is appreciated by the "diabetic community." Note to Splenda: There is no such thing as a "diabetic community." There are people who HAVE diabetes, but they don't all live in one big sugar-free town on the banks of the Insulin River. I'm sick of every group of people who happen to have one thing, no matter how small, in common being referred to as a "community." Although I do belong to the "people fed up with stupid bullshit" community.

Very very old men who managed to survive World War II were honored at the weekend celebration in Vancouver to commemorate the 60th anniversary of V-J Day. Although this was across the river in Washington State, I could swear I spotted Oregon governor Kulongoski on the tape.

Hollywood Buzz

• Everyone's favorite scary black guy, Suge Knight, was shot in the leg at a pre-Video Music Awards party sponsored by MTV. No one knows who did it or why. Um, am I the only one who wonders why Viacom, the parent company of MTV, would invite a convicted criminal to a party? Seriously, this guy's a one-man crime wave. He attracts bullets like an ice cream truck attracts kids on a hot day. Even if you don't give a damn if he gets killed at your party, you might want to give some thought to the innocent people around him who could get hit in the crossfire. I gotta tell you, I've seen the recording industry from the retail level and from a radio perspective and it's sleazier than you can imagine.
• Country singer Minnie McReady is being held on drug charges. Gee, I thought it was only rock and roll and rap that were involved in drugs. How come you never hear about a Congressional investigation into country music?

"KPTV's Jeff Goldblatt" who, by the way, I LOVED in Independence Day, "reported" on cage fighting. This is the "sport" where two lower middle class men are locked inside a cage and encouraged to beat the living shit out of each other for the amusement of people who think that NASCAR doesn't have enough fatal accidents. Although this had somehow escaped my notice, the story claimed that cage fighting is catching on around America, especially, it seems, in those good, God-fearing "red" states. Jeff was in Iowa, talking to the camera as all around him, a crowd was cheering as two skinny losers pounded on each other. Cage fighting doesn't seem to have a lot of rules. Except, of course, for Rule Number One: Don't talk about cage fighting.

Last and certainly least (although, surprisingly, not the longest story on the show tonight, as irrelevant stories tend to be on KPTV) was this piece about a Chihuahua competition in New York. The winner is going to the finals in San Diego. I saw an Iams banner in the video, making me think that the dog food manufacturer was the sponsor of this publicity stunt. KPTV didn't mention Iams; they may be a phony "news" show, but they have their standards, damn it!

Kevin Coari, of the ventriloquist dummy eyebrows, wrapped up the Final Cut 10 seconds ahead of the Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• We're all doomed! From Reuters: "U.S. oil prices surged to a record above $70 a barrel on Monday as one of the country's biggest storms tore through the U.S. Gulf of Mexico, forcing oil producers and refiners to shut down operations."
• Alan Greenspan is saying that current housing prices are the result of a bubble which is due to burst any time now and that the effect of that on the American economy is difficult to predict (it ain't gonna be good, though).
• The state of California is planning on suing fast food companies for not notifying their customers of the presence of an alleged cancer-causing agent produced when potatos are deep-fried. I say when French Fries (or are they still Freedom Fries?) are outlawed, only outlaws will have French Fries.
• According to AP: "Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said Sunday that his government could request the extradition of US religious broadcaster Pat Robertson for suggesting American agents should kill him." There is a God!