Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Let me clear something up before we dive in here. As you may be aware, I take Mondays off from this little hobby I've made for myself to watch wrestling. Go ahead, laugh, you know you want to. Anyway, as a result, I don't get to see the KPTV "news" show on Monday nights. If I mention that they ignored something tonight, it isn't necessary to tell me that they talked about it LAST night. I give, I give and I give and do you people appreciate it? Well, actually, yeah, some of you do.

Top Story. It was Katrina's night all the way (as seems only appropriate). Unlike Sunday night when they went with a local road rage incident over an impending hurricane that threatened to destroy a major U.S. city, the KPTV "news" show was all up in Katrina's face tonight. "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg," who looked like she hasn't slept much in the past two days, was in Biloxi, Mississippi to show us the devastation. It ain't pretty out there. The floating casinos in the area are in very bad shape. As we all know, if our floating casinos go, the terrorists have won.

• We were told that looting was out of control in New Orleans. Funny thing about that: there's a mini-controversy about how some of the press seems to be a tad racist. Check this out.
• 3000 people have been rescued by helicopter from rooves in the New Orleans area.
• Bridges in the New Orleans area, including a miles-long one over Lake Pontchartrain, are out.
• A guy in Mississippi had to swim 3 miles to survive.
• Say, here's that local angle! According to Jim Hyde, on high ground in News Control, told us about a Beaverton woman who was trying to contact relatives in Louisiana. Eventually, she got in touch with them.
• Mark Nelsen showed up early with his own version of Casey's Top 40. Katrina, we were told, is now one of the Top 3 Storms to ever hit America.
• 80% of New Orleans is under water. We got to see some irrelevant graphics comparing the population of The Big Watery Easy to that of the Portland metro area. Yes, the population sizes may be similar, but the people in the Portland area are much more spread out, I believe.
• Since David Frietas/Freitas told us that the Red Cross is taking donations to help the flood victims, it was predictable that his prop for the story would be cash. You know, in case you've never seen dollar bills before. A local restaurant owner is from New Orleans, so we got to look at him for a minute or so.
  

Pump Patrol

It is expected that there will be a gas shortage in Louisiana in the weeks to come. Logical since there won't be any working gas stations down there for a while. Closer to home, gas is averaging $2.61 in Portland. Nationally, it's running $2.60.

Back to Katrina. Although it's difficult to get an accurate count, the authorities believe that there are at least 100 people dead in the New Orleans area.

Break.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• 32-year-old Dustin Eamon is the suspect in a rape in the Albany, Oregon Phoenix Inn in July. He was spotted in Portland 3 days ago.
• Rob Speck is wanted in connection with some local ID thefts.

South Salem High School basketball coach Rodney Howard has been arrested on child pornography charges (5 counts). He allegedly had the creepy stuff on his computer. He was recently promoted to head basketball coach at the school.

A 17-year-old is dead after a crash near Oregon City.

A little girl was attacked by two large dogs in a Salem park. She got stitches.

Ah, here's the kind of story that only KPTV would devote airtime to on a night when there is a legitimate national emergency to report. Local eyeglass stores are reporting thefts of designer eyeglass frames. Time for an All Points Bling Bling Alert! Be on the lookout for fashionable people!

Break.

Meth Watch

• Jenny Thomas has been charged with giving methamphetamine to her child via breastfeeding. She's in jail now. Meth and boobs. Man, this story has everything!
• The police say that meth labs are down in Oregon by 74%. And this is due to that law requiring prescriptions for cold meds that only recently passed? Why do I think that it's simply too soon to draw a conclusion like that? OR the statistic itself is faulty.

Northwest Tonight

I see we're back to using the term "home invasion" instead of "burglary" again. OK, I'll play along. A home in Mount Lake Terrace was INVADED by a INVADER using a LADDER to enter through a SECOND FLOOR WINDOW! The little girl whose bedroom he entered bit him and he went back down the ladder. Oops, I'm sorry, I meant LADDER! This story gave us one of the elusive and rare "You DO expect that in this neighborhood" type comments from a neighbor. Was the INVADER's intent RAPE or ROBBERY? The cops aren't sure.

Break.

Patricia Gregory, a Vancouver woman, has been missing for several days now.

War On Terror

• San Francisco International airport is canning their private screeners, after experimenting with them for about a year now. So, from now on, the guy who gives you the fisheye when he examines the dildo you forgot was in your carry-on luggage will be on the federal payroll. Oh, and when they hassle you, don't forget to use the old "I pay your salary!" line. They love that.

Back to "Katrina's Fury"

This one was a little confusing. From the way Wayne Garcia intro'd it, I thought it was going to be video of a CNN weather man snapping at the anchor and throwing his papers to the ground, as happened Monday. What it turned out to actually be, though, was some still graphics of weather maps of the flood area with a audibly distressed CNN reporter talking over them.

Next we heard about a motel in the affected area gouging people by doubling its room rates. A customer said that she had been told that the rate was $99/night but when she arrived, she was told it was now $199. Management said, "No, we're not trying to gouge people at a critical time. We just want to make sure we don't get the 'wrong' people staying here." They actually did say they didn't want the wrong people. And they call that the "hospitality" industry.

Break.

Final Cut

A missing 12-year-old North Carolina girl who triggered an Amber Alert was found in an Iowa bus station. If I ever go missing, will there be a Fat Guy Alert? If I do disappear, check the In 'n' Out burger joints first.

A Nevada woman who went missing while in California is still missing. A Callie woman is a "person of interest" but there are no suspects yet. Can anyone explain the difference between a "person of interest" and a "suspect" to me?

The death of a 16-year-old boy is believed to have been caused by a "choking game." That would have much to do with the fact that he was found swinging from a noose. OK, listen up, kids. If you constuct a noose and use it, you won't have enough time to undo it from around your neck before it constricts your windpipe and kills your miserable ass. There are better ways than suicide to get a big picture of yourself in your high school's yearbook.

Hey, speaking of gruesome, some 200 fetuses were found in a house that used to be a funeral home in Pennsylvania. Here's today Fun Fact: Remember the other day when I told you that fake rubber fetuses used in old-time carnival exhibitions were called "bouncers?" Real fetuses in jars filled with formaldehyde used in carnival exhibitions were called "pickled punks." Just thought you'd like to know.

So this woman is pregnant with triplets and she goes into labor, right? Stop me if you've heard this one. The doctors find out that she needs open heart surgery, right? So they have to deliver the babies via C-section and do the heart surgery on her. And... Damn, I forgot the punchline. Oh, they all lived, that part I remember.

A big fire destroyed 56 apartments in a condo complex near Boston.

A truck turned over, spilling sheep and goats all over the highway in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania.

World Tonight

• The World's Oldest Living Person has relinquished the title, which is a nice way of saying she's dead. She was 115 years old and HOT! Seriously, she didn't look a day over 95. She lived in a nursing home in the Netherlands and was a soccer fan. She attributed her longevity to eating herring and orange juice. I think I read about that in Disgusting Remedies 'They' Don't Want You To Know About.

Back yet again to Katrina's Fury (which, by the way, kicks ass in concert!)

• Kevin Coari in News Control told us that some of the levees in New Orleans broke on Tuesday, sending more water into town. We saw some rescue footage and were informed that the situation down there is getting worse. I'll have some links to information about the situation in New Orleans down below.
• Louisiana's governor has ordered an evacuation of the affected area. From what I've read and seen, it isn't as if you can get to your house at this point anyway. KPTV didn't mention this, but in some parts of the N.O. area, residents have been told not to return to their homes for a month.
• Keri Tomlinson was in the newsroom to talk about scam "charities" which have already sprung up. She advised that people check any charity with give.org and other websites devoted to outing fake charities before sending them any money. You should also ask anyone you talk to at a charity what percent of your donation goes to actually helping people. Since David Frietas/Freitas had already done the "money as a prop" thing, Keri used a checkbook for hers.

Breaking News

A guy was being chased by a female police officer in Northeast Portland. He eluded her by doubling back and stealing her patrol car. He was caught after a short chase, according to David Frietas/Freitas.

Hollywood Buzz

• George Clooney apparently got the Vegas bug while filming the really really implausible crime caper remake Ocean's 11. He, along with some partners, is going to open an upscale casino-hotel dealie.
• A pair of the ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz on loan to a museum in Minnesota were stolen. It would be fun to have them, I suppose, but as a practical matter what are you going to do with them? You'd be scared to show them to anyone and God knows you couldn't wear them anywhere.
  

Hey, no Countdown Clock tonight. Use it or don't use it, but be consistant, willya?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Well, actually this isn't so much about what they didn't tell you about as it is some stuff you might want to know about what's happening in Louisiana. I take that partly back, actually. I really think they should have covered the prison riot in Louisiana; it's a pretty big deal. They're holding a deputy and his family hostage, for starters: http://abcnews.go.com/US/HurricaneKatrina/story?id=1081633&page=1
• There may be as many as ONE MILLION people homeless because of Katrina at the moment:
  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050829/ap_on_re_us/katrina_the_big_one
• Here's a source of updated information about Katrina, etc.:
• http://www.wwltv.com/#9morefeetofwater

Oh, I almost forgot. You hear constantly about how "great" the economy is supposed to be. Um, in that case, how can this be true?