Saturday, August 27, 2005

Oh man, my ego's hurt. My wife told me tonight she thinks I haven't been putting enough jokes into these reports lately. I dunno, maybe I've just gotten into a bad groove or something. I shall endeavor to do better in the future. I have to go sulk now.

Top Story. Jeff Smith got himself all beat up at Park and Stark in Portland back on the 21st at about 4 AM. He went to OHSU where he died over the weekend. The cops are looking for the people who did the beating up, so that they can charge him/her/them with homicide.

There was an attempted rape in Northwest Portland about 3:30 AM. The would-be rapist asked the victim for directions, walked away, then came back and pounced on her. Some passers-by stopped him. Yay for the passers-by.

A woman showed that chicks can be just as psycho as men. She went all road rage-y on SR 14 near Vancouver, swerving into some motorcyclists in her car. Then she got out and was all "You want some? Come get some" on them.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• You gotta love a guy with a tattoo that says "Sickest of the sickest" on his neck. Conan Lapping is the object of your (arguably misplaced) love. He fled the local cops recently but was caught (and shot for his troubles) in Crescent City, California. They're gonna LOVE that tat in prison, Co-man.

According to KPTV, which can make a trend out of anything, there's been a rash of ID theft in Portland and Southwest Washington of late. 3 ID theft-ers, who may or may not be working together, have been using disguises in the commission of their crimes. The proprietor of a local business got 3 checks stolen from her office recently. All together, the Dynamic Trio has racked up 20 Grand worth of theft.

Meth Watch

Remember that Big Meth Bust in the Salem area from the other day? We got to hear about it again. You know, maybe I've been looking at the KPTV "news" show all wrong. Maybe it's like a Top 40 radio station, where they play the same "hits" over and over. Do they take requests? Cause I'd like to hear about Conan Lapping's "Sickest of the sickest" tattoo again.

Linn County has a new tipline for crime: 866-557-9988. This is a crappy number; it doesn't spell out anything interesting. Click here.

Yamhill County has had to drop charges against 40 people who were set up by the police informant we talked about a few weeks ago. Even in this day and age of the "If it saves one life" mentality that justifies over-reaching by government agencies, entrapment is still technically illegal.

A porn store in Salem suffered a mysterious fire about midnight Friday. Is Astroglide combustible?

Despite the fact that there is a Total Burn Ban on right now, some people are a little slow to get the message. The family of a 12-year-old who was tending a fire in a barrel in Clackamas is apparently on the "Do Not Call" list. The fire got out of control and the father of the kid was cited by the cops.

War On Terror

• A memorial service was held for a local man who was a Navy Seal. His helicopter went down in Afghanistan.

Northwest Tonight

• A Catholic parish in Spokane may have to liquidate its assets to pay claims made by people who say they were molested by priests when they were younger. Have you seen the ads that some diocese is running to induce young men to be come priests? Gee, I can't imagine why the Catholic Church might be having trouble recruiting people for that gig. "The Catholic priesthood, a wholly-owned subsidiary of NAMBLA."
• 2 Level 3 sex offenders were murdered in Bellingham, Washington. Their other roommate said that a man showed up at their door, wearing a hat that said "FBI" and claiming to be an agent. Third Roomie left while the fake FBI guy was still talking to his 3 friends. FBI Guy is assumed to be the murderer, logically enough. This story was courtesy of "KPTV's Keli McAllister" who we only seem to see on weekends, for some reason.

Break.

America Tonight

• This was one of those stories that's only on the air because there happens to be some video of it. 4 men robbed a restaurant in North Carolina as it was closing. They were Caught On Camera, of course, which is why we got to watch them.
• There was some kind of bus race in Xenia, Ohio. The driver of one of the buses decided to get out in the middle of the race. Nobody really knows why, but it resulted in a fatality.
• La Jolla, the high-rent district of San Diego, was the scene of a devastating fire in an oceanside mansion. I would love to see a photo of the house burning in the foreground as the people on Black's Beach, the local nudist hangout, watch in the background.
• A hospital in Sleepy Hollow, New York, accidentally removed the wrong kidney from a patient. Now the patient may not survive. "My bad" doesn't even begin to cover this one! I smell a new Fox "reality" show coming out of this, though: America's Funniest Invasive Surgeries.
• A guy in Walkill, New York got PO'd when his place was burglarized so he installed a video camera system. Lo and behold, he caught the same burglar robbing the place a second time within a week. Smile for your close-up, Mr. Burglar.
• A male stripper killed a drag queen with a Samurai sword. I'll repeat that in case you didn't catch it the first time: A male stripper killed a drag queen with a Samurai sword. I was so stunned by this one that I didn't even catch where it happened. I think Quentin Tarantino is optioning the rights to this story for part of a new movie.
• At some point, shouldn't certain things cease to be news because similar things have happened so many times in the past? I vote for babies born in cars on the way to the hospital to be taken off the "news" list. Today's Baby Born In A Car story comes from Des Moines, Iowa. For the record, the car was in a gas station at the time.
• 4 puppies were rescued from a small space between two walls in Los Angeles. Add small animals being rescued to the "Not News Anymore" list.
• A minister is sitting on the roof of a Taco Bell in Phoenix. He says he is going to stay up there until he raises $1 million. I don't know what his cause is and I don't care. What I do know is that he is going to be up there for a really really long time if he's trying to get a million bucks from Taco Bell customers. Have you ever seen the people who eat at Taco Bell? There's a reason they have a 99 cent menu there. They'd have to have a payday loan operation on the premises if the food cost more than that.
• A "border crackdown" is in effect in the Las Cruces, New Mexico area. 11 million illegal aliens in this country and some goofballs are going to stem the tide coming across the border. Yeah, that'll work. I would recommend that these people read up about that Dutch boy with his finger in the dike.

World Tonight

• Since absolutely nothing interesting happened anywhere on the globe that doesn't happen to be part of the U.S., we got a recap of the story about the Turkish ship that caught fire in the Black Sea.
• And absolutely nothing more interesting than some bank robbers in China getting caught because of video cameras happened either.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• American troops found what looked to be a bomb factory in Iraq. It exploded while they were there. Also, the insurgency--which is in its "last throes" according to Vice-President Dick Cheney--blew up a bunch of stuff all over the place.
• Fourth time's the charm, or so the people writing the new Iraqi constitution hope. There's another deadline for completion of the constitution looming. Wanna bet they blow this one, too?
• Meanwhile, down in Crawford, Texas, home of President Bush's Summer Camp, some anti-anti-war protestors showed up to say that Cindy Sheehan doesn't speak for them, something she has never claimed to do. They also said that she lacks the ability to transmute lead into gold, or maybe I made that up. The audio on this piece said that there were "thousands" of anti-Sheehan protestors in Crawford. From what I've read elsewhere, the low estimate is 1500 and the anti-Sheehanites themselves claim 3000. The video made it look as if there might be 100 people protesting Sheehan. I'm always suspicious about the claimed size of a crowd when the TV shots are very tight. If there really was a large crowd, they'd back up and let you get a good look at it.

Break.

Fire Season 2005

• About 40 people displaced by the Deer Creek fire were able to return to their homes. It has consumed about 2000 acres so far and is 10% contained.

Hurricane Katrina, which KPTV told us earlier in the week would soon lose steam and become a tropical depression, is heading towards New Orleans. The Big Easy is below sea level and is particularly susceptible to damage from storms like this. Being below sea level, by the way, is why all burials in Nawlins are above ground. Just thought I'd mention that. Anyway, Katrina may soon be a Category 4 hurricane. Louisiana has declared a State of Emergency. "KPTV's Doug Luzader" brought us this story.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

An advocacy group is pissed at the NCAA for running ads for beer during their televised games, saying they send the ubiquitous "bad message" to youth. The NCAA says, "Oh yeah? Well, beer commercials are only 6% of all the ads we run. So there." "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" showed us a guy from Anheiser-Busch who said that it was just smart business to run ads for your product where your customers are. In that case, they should sponsor Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Hey, everyone there has an "interest" in alcoholic beverages, right? That's just smart business! Man, I should be a marketing consultant!

Some people in Britain are touting longer operating hours for bars as the answer to binge drinking. Counter-intuitive? You betcha! The logic here is that people drink a lot quickly to get it down their gullet before the pubs close (around 11 PM). If the pubs stayed open later, the theory goes, people wouldn't feel they had to get all their drinking done fast. O-kay.

Speaking of chemical overindulgence, didja know that it isn't illegal to be shitfaced in public in Oregon? If you're drunk on the street and you don't chuck a rock through a store window or moon traffic or something, all the cops can do now is take you to a hospital or detox unit. Some people would like to change the law to make it illegal to be drunk in public. And that will accomplish what, exactly?

Hollywood Buzz

• I've long had a theory that the way to succeed in America is to "Aim low and repeat." It's really just a restatement of "No one ever went broke underestimating the American public." Proof of this theory is the fact that country singer Gretchen Wilson has a successful career. Her best known song is "Redneck Woman." Does that clue you in as to the nature of her audience? Anyway, she has a new song called "Skoal Ring" about the smokeless tobacco; during her performances of it, she has been taking a can of Skoal out of her pocket. Tennessee's attorney general has asked her not to do that, since he says that the image of the can on the big video screens constitutes an advertisement for tobacco products. It sends the "wrong message" to America's youth, you see. Jesus H. Christ, EVERYTHING SENDS THE WRONG DAMN MESSAGE TO AMERICA'S YOUTH. Screw America's youth! Let 'em figure shit out for themselves like every generation before them had to. Having said that, I have to admit that the thought of kissing a woman who turned out to have a big ol' chaw in her cheek is more than moderately revolting.
• Martha Stewart will be a free woman as of the 31st of August. Now maybe she can return to her simple existance as a humble multi-multi-millionaire home maker and gardener.
• My fellow Mt. St. Michael Academy alumnus, Diddy, previously known as P. Diddy, more previously known as Puff Daddy, even more previously known as Sean Combs, has been found not guilty of assault. Against who? Like it matters? Like he won't be charged with assault against someone else within the next 90 days?

Again with the damn home sprinkler systems?? Didn't we just have a story about this the other night? Yup. I'm telling you, I'm really starting to suspect that the KPTV sales department drops not-so-subtle hints about businesses that they'd really like the news department to do stories about. David Wilson was in Tualatin to tell us about how builders like Harbor Homes are installing sprinklers in their new houses.

The turbine is finally out of the tunnel where I-205 meets I-84. That only took what? 3 or 4 days? It's now back on its way to somewhere in Washington State.

Writing about crap like the next story is starting to sap my will to live. Pete Ferryman went to a place called Advantage U. to run on a treadmill while wearing some scuba-looking equipment. A.U. does "physical assessments" of its clients. I don't get it; I HATED gym class in high school. I can't even imagine PAYING for the equivalent of gym class, run by health Nazis. I'm going to guess that trendy Yuppie crap like this is WAY beyond the budget of the average person. Read what I said about the KPTV sales department 2 paragraphs up.

Speaking of Yuppie crap, the Hood To Coast deal was this weekend. Teams of 12 ran or walked to Seaside from the Valley and told themselves that it wasn't just self-indulgence. The Run/Walk thingie is in its 24th year.

Finally, in Vancouver, old planes flew over town in a symbolic gesture to the Good Old Days of World War II. There's more of what the Frence call nostalgie de la bui (or something like that) which means "nostalgia for the mud" to be witnessed in Vancouver (slogan: "Gateway to Portland, a Much More Interesting Place") on Sunday.

Hilary wrapped up this nightmare perfectly in sync with the Pointless Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• So, remember all those "terrorists" that the government has been holding in Guantanamo Bay? Remember how right-wing talk show hosts would get really really pissed off if you suggested that a lot of those people were just average Iraqis who got swept up and sent there for no good reason? Um, so what's the deal with the U.S. government quietly releasing about 1000 of the prisoners there with not so much as a trial for their "crimes?" Click here.
• From the AP: "President Bush on Saturday asked Americans to be patient with the U.S. military mission in Iraq, a request issued as less than half of those polled supported his war policy and thousands of pro-Bush and anti-war demonstrators competed for attention in his tiny hometown." Just for the record, Crawford has only been Bush's "hometown" since he ran for office in 1999.
• From Reuters: "President George W. Bush demanded on Saturday that the Palestinians respond to the Israeli pullout from Gaza and portions of the West Bank by cracking down on terrorism."