Wednesday, June 1, 2005

I've taken my Dramimine and I'm therefore ready to deal with the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show once again.

Top Story: "Obsessed With Children." Oh, this ought to be good (and by "good," I mean bad, of course). Even before we got into the meat of the story, we were treated to tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" comment.

Wait! What's this? Breaking News! There's been an accident in Tigard. It must be ugly for KPTV to go with it right at the top of the show. We're promised details later. Back to our Top Story. The cops have arrested a guy the "news" show claimed called himself the "King of Pedophiles." I'm guessing he didn't apply for a service mark on that. Apparantly he was caught via a sting that got him to fly to Atlanta because a fake Mom told him she would let him have sex with her three-year-old. Oh, you know there's gonna be a LOT more about this guy!

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight gave us two miscreants. The first one robbed a Taco Bell. The second, Joshua Spooner, allegedly threatened his Dad, then disappeared.

There was a pot bust at a middle school in Vancouver, Washington. Our "reporter," Jamie Wilson, used a packet of Sweet 'N' Low as her prop tonight, to show us the relative size of the pot package in question. We were treated to video of two kids who go to the school, neither of whom knew anything about the bust or the kids involved in it. Relevance? What's that?

There was some unauthorized gun shooting on private land on Larch Mountain. In rural Oregon, discharging firearms isn't exactly unheard-of, even on posted land, but for some reason the cops were called on this and they investigated, turning up a couple of guys with Arabic-sounding names. They were in possession of assault-type rifles and KPTV tried really hard to scare the audience into thinking that they were perhaps engaged in terrorist-type stuff. We weren't told if the guns were registered or not.

There was an ATV accident involving a kid. I didn't catch where or how extensive the kid's injuries might be. Sorry.

A stray bullet went through the wall of a house in Longview and hit a disabled woman in the leg. Yeah sure this happened on SUNDAY, but they can't jam every scary story into the same night's "news" show, you know. Were gangs involved? Nobody knows, but that shouldn't keep KPTV from speculating, right?

Commercial break.

Back. It's time for that Breaking News thing again. We were told that cops were "now on the scene." Since we were also told that the accident happened at 8:45 and it was now about 10:15, I'll bet they were on the scene. There was a baby allegedly trapped inside the car because an electrical wire was touching it (the car, not the baby).

There's some "hot" heroin going around in Portland. This is not a good thing. Even junkies aren't safe from the ever-rising tide of scary stuff.

Speaking of intoxicants, there was a drug search which lead to an arrest in Gresham.

Oooh, more scary drug stuff! Remember that "Super Lab" story from the other day? The alleged perpetrators were arraigned on Wednesday and entered pleas of not guilty. Color me surprised.

Hmm, I've got a riddle here. My notes for the next story read "Trial set for G.S. death." I can't remember what "G.S." stands for. I'll let you know if my memory returns.

2 men were arrested for allegedly ripping off Portland for $200,000 in parking meter money. How do you get rid of that many quarters? I wonder. Doesn't the Mercedes-Benz dealer look at you funny when you try to buy one with a wheelbarrow full of change?

There's a bill pending in the State House which will supposedly lead to lower energy bills for Oregonians. Some say that the electric companies pass along their tax burden to their customers, then use write-offs to lower their taxes, pocketing the difference. The technical legal term for this kind of thing is "rip-off."

Time for Around the Northwest. Hmm, the only thing that happened in the Northwest in the last 24 hours was a guy at a Snoop Dogg concert catching a wicked beating from Snoop's posse. Would it really be a hip-hop show without gratuitious violence? Do those concerts have "ass-kicking" and "non-ass-kicking" sections?

Break.

A day without a story about the Jackson Scandal is like a day without sleeping in your bed with a ten-year-old. The judge in Mikey's case read his charge to the jury before the lawyers gave their closing arguments. This is procedurally unusual and experts say that it will either be good for Jackson or bad for him. That kind of legal expertise is why they're on TV and you're not.

Break.

Yay, War On Terror!

In the ongoing attempt to turn over every rock in the U.S. lest an Al Qaeda member lurk beneath it, the Portland police swept the Willamette River in advance of this coming weekend's Rose Festival. They hate us for our corn dogs, you know.

Yay, Fight For Iraq!

A soldier from Oregon died in Iraq.

We also got a story about Operation Lightning. KPTV tried to make it sound as if this was run by the new Iraqi government with American troops just kind of tagging along. Uh, don't think so. Last I heard, Iraq didn't have 40,000 troops total. I can't swear to that, though, so let's give KPTV the benefit of the doubt for once. And that was it for the Fight For Iraq stuff.

Next up, we got a story about whether the newly-revealed Deep Throat guy is a patriot or a traitor? The only people who seem to think he's a "traitor" are some of the creepy bastards who were involved in the Watergate break-in. Not exactly uninvolved parties, you know?

Pushing on...MUDSLIDES IN LAGUNA BEACH! EXPENSIVE HOMES OWNED BY WEALTHY PEOPLE REDUCED IN VALUE!! 1000 PEOPLE WHO LIVE MUCH BETTER THAN NEARLY EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH EVACUATED FROM THEIR ILL-ADVISEDLY-SITUATED HOMES!!!

Speaking of the Wrath of God, the recent mudslides in Oregon are still causing problems for homeowners. Helicopter shots showed exactly what you'd expect: mud. Great steaming heaps of mud.

The Weather Weasel got cute with his promo for his upcoming forecast by giving us a Slug Advisory! Yes, really.

Break.

After the weather and another commercial break, we finally got to the Final Cut. Start the countdown timer, boys!

Oooh, News Around America is again part of F.C.

*Some kids took a school bus for a joyride in Georgia.
*Some guys are robbing stores while wearing Darth Vader masks in Orlando.
*Rock throwing caused a deadly crash in Arkansas. The idiot kids who allegedly did it are being charged with a "terrorist act," which seems overkill to me. What's wrong with plain ol' manslaughter?
*We saw some cop car video of an SUV crash in Ohio
*Another cop car cam caught a tornado on tape in Alabama.
*There was a "bee invasion" in a historic house in Tulsa.

Yay, Meth Watch!

*"Reporter" Hilary Hutcheson told us about some upscale children's boutique which donated clothes to the offspring of meth users. Allegedly meth somehow ruins their clothes so they need new togs. Eh, whatever. By the way, Hilary's part was on the left side of her head tonight; it's been left, right and in the center on different nights in the past. Maybe the location of her part is is some kind of secret sign, like when Bob Woodward would move the flowerpot on his patio to signal he wanted a meeting with Deep Throat. Yeah, like a "reporter" at KPTV would have a SOURCE!

Breaking News again. Same car crash as before. Now we were told that one teenaged boy is dead and two other teens are injured. Kevin Coari was the "reporter" on this story. He had no prop, though. Didn't you have any Sweet 'N' Low on you, Kev, or couldn't you figure out how to work it into the story?

Back to Final Cut Proper:

*A vaccine for shingles has been developed.
*Rejoice! Kettlebells are making a comeback! What do you mean, what do I mean? Kettlebells, man, kettlebells! They're these things that look like solid iron teapots with big handles on the top, used for exercise. You know, weights. Yup, they actually did a story about weights that look a little different from the ones you usually see in a gym, further proof, as if any was needed, that no one at KPTV's "news" show has ever even heard of the word "trivial." Oh, this story was "reported" by "KPTV's John Hammerlee." I've got twenty bucks that says that John Hammerlee has never been inside the KPTV building in his life.

Hollywood Buzz:

*"Actress" Lindsay Lohan, Inexplicable Breast Shrinkage sufferer, was in a car crash, allegedly caused by paparazzi, who may have been following her hoping to get clues to her severly reduced hotness.

The Final Cut ended with one second left on the still unexplained countdown clock (well within the margin of error). Kudos, Wayne Garcia, kudos indeed. Give that man a raise!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Still nothing about the French getting a new Prime Minister of voting against the European Constitution.
*Lookie there! The Dutch voted against the European Constitution too.
*The American Family Association has called for a boycott of Ford cars in the mistaken belief that the truck is known as the Ford RUMP Ranger. OK, I lied. They don't like the fact that Ford offers health care benefits to the partners of its gay employees. Love the sinner, hate his deductible.