Friday, August 12, 2005

Way down below in the discussion of the Final Cut segment, I've got some background information about a story on tonight's show that I think is interesting. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Top Story. Oops, no, it's Time For Breaking News (defined by KPTV as anything that happened after about 5:30 PM). Some weasels were looking at a bicycle a little too longingly, causing a bystander to figure that they might want to steal it. Apparently that was correct because they took off with it. So, the father of the kid whose bike it was chased them in his car. The chase ended up at the Montavilla Pool in Northeast Portland. Things got ugly and Daddy was stabbed. The four alleged miscreants have been arrested. David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene.

Back to the Not-so-Top Story: Jamie Wilson was hanging out in Wilsonville to tell us about a guy who pretended to be a cop. Mr. Wannabe (AKA Chrisopher Chatlovsky) pulled a woman over on I-5; he was dressed in a security guard uniform. Unfortunately for him, a REAL cop was driving by and saw what looked like a traffic stop. He noticed that Chatlovsky's car had only red lights on the roof and smelled a rat. Chatlovsky has now gone from fake cop to real inmate. He's looking at a possible 5 years in prison. Oh, Jamie went to his apartment (as we saw on tape) and...well, and nothing as Chris wasn't home at the time. Hey, no one ever said this "investigative journalism" stuff would work every time.

There was a shooting in Southeast Portland at about 1:30 AM. The victim was shot in the hip.

Meth Watch. There was an attempted murder in S.E. Albany. It had something to do with meth, apparently. Hey, I'm only one man with only two hands, only one of which can I write with. No, I wasn't eating steak while I tried to take notes tonight (although I did have leftover steak for dinner). I just screwed up. :(

Fox 12's Most Wanted (it's a bumper crop tonight):

*Adrian Rekdahl has been a (alleged) bad boy, despite what his Dad thinks. The cops say he is on the loose, armed and dangerous. 3 of his little crime buddies have been arrested. Mr. Rekdahl says his boy is innocent and he's concerned about him.

*Keit Le of Tigard hasn't reported to his parole officer lately.

*James Anderson, he of the escape from the prison in The Dalles, is still among the general populace.

*A lovely couple (in the romantic sense, apparently) of flaunters of the rule of law hasn't reported to their handler lately. They got in trouble for abusing a minor.

*Jeff Yeagar likes to pretend to be a photographer, using that as his excuse to "chat up" (as the Brits say) young women. Unfortunately, Jeff doesn't know the difference between an opening line and abusing young girls, or so the cops say. They'd like to talk to him about that.

There was another shooting in downtown Portland Thursday night. The cops' "Operation Safe Streets" is now in effect. At the end of this piece, Wayne Garcia told us that, despite the recent rash of shooting incidents, crime is actually down in central Portland. I'm glad he told the audience that but it makes me wonder, if that's the case, what's the need for Operation Safe Streets? As the sales manager at my old radio station in Allentown, PA used to say, "Perception is reality."

A body was found in the Sandy River near Troutdale.

That Renfroe guy we've mentioned in the recent past has been cut free temporarily on "conditional release," whatever the hell that is. He's the guy who, along with his S.O., allegedly starved a pair of young twins in their care. We now hear that they kept at least one of the kids in a closet. Hey, Renfroe, I got your conditional release right here!

Break.

I'm going to put my Psychic Hat on for a moment. The spirits are telling me that Marc Caven who has worked as a police informant for the past 20 years or so and who is now accused of ratting on people who may not necessarily have been guilty will encounter a mysterious accident in jail involving a sharpened toothbrush and his midsection.

OK, the hat is off now. Because Caven is now suspected of what is known in the law enforcement biz as "making shit up," all the convictions he was involved with may have to be reviewed. If they have to cut a bunch of people loose because of this, Caven may actually be safer IN prison than OUT of it.

Next was one of those misleading stories that KPTV seems to specialize in. A plumber found some bones in a house undergoing renovation in Southeast Portland. It was a former drug house and the implication was that someone might have been cacked in it. Finally, at the end of the story, we were told that they turned out to be cow bones. What the hell cow bones were doing in a house we were left to ponder.

Cops in West Linn are going to get a whopping 2.7% pay raise. Whoo hoo for keeping pace with inflation!

Northwest Tonight

*The cops now think that the asshole who allegedly kidnapped two young kids, killed their family and transported the youngsters to Idaho is also responsible for the murder of two girls in Seattle back in 1997.

*A man in Medford is accused of performing a deadly exorcism on his cat. Did Kitty's head spin around, I wonder. Crazy McNutso is possibly looking at 5 years of psychiatric evaluation.

*The camper lost in Cascadia State Park has been found, exhausted but basically unharmed.

*"KPTV's Derek Wing" [sp?] told us that the proposed law requiring Seattle strippers to stay 4 feet from their "customers" has been postponed by a month. We got to hear strippers explain that such a law would make it impossible for them to earn a decent living, which may actually be true. Am I the only one who marvels at the fact that legislators don't seem to be able to solve the real problems that plague society but always have time to come up with ridiculous nonsense like this? Oh, but this law is intended to "improve public safety and health." Oh well, in that case...

By the way, if you own a strip club and have experienced hassling by the police or local blue noses, I have an idea which would not only tie your opponents in knots (and might actually get your case in front of the Supreme Court) but would make you the most famous club in America practically overnight. There's very little cost involved and I can guarantee you that you'll have more requests for interviews than you can handle. I'm absolutely serious about this; I've had this idea in my head for several years now. Contact me if you can use my services in putting this together for you.

The New Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital's planned opening has been delayed due to problems with setting up the emergency room facilities.

Some Portland cops, in conjunction with the Police Athletic League, were playing a Role Model Game with local kids. Then McGruff the Crime Dog came in, peed on the game board and ruined the whole thing. What do you expect, he's a dog.

Break.

War On Terror

*According to KPTV "news," the Terror Alert for transportation systems in Oregon has been reduced to Yellow ("Pee, but do not defecate, in your pants from fear"). The reality is that the Terror Alert has been lowered for ALL transportation systems in America.

*Some Oregon Air National Guard bases are going to close. Call me suspicious, but I think the displaced soldiers from the closed bases will be sent to the Middle East as a way to stave off the political suicide of a draft in the face of declining voluntary enlistment in the military.

*A tourist took photos of 3 "middle-Eastern-looking" men who were allegedly videotaping the bridge supports of the Santa Monica Pier in California. This, of course, was presented as possible evidence of their collecting information for a later terror attack. OK, let's talk about this for a moment. I happen to have been in Santa Monica last November. I stayed in a Holiday Inn a half-block from the Pier. I spent my first evening in town walking on the Pier, in fact. The Pier extends from the end of Colorado Blvd., out across Pacific Coast Highway, over the beach. It is elevated a couple of stories above the sand. If you are on the Pier, as the men appeared to be in the still pictures we saw of them, it is impossible to see the supports. They are beneath the deck under your feet.

It's possible that these guys were terrorists, but the "evidence" given for that notion just doesn't add up. It's like me saying I saw you riding in your car, taking a picture of the muffler. This is more likely the result of a paranoid person spotting some middle-Eastern tourists with cameras (what tourist doesn't have a camera?) and letting his imagination go wild.

Fight For Iraq

*The deadline for the completion of the new Iraqi constitution is this coming Monday. The sticking point is how much self-rule to give to differing sects within the country. Is "one man, one car bomb" written into it?

*Yay, KPTV did a story about Cindy Sheehan, whose son, Casey, was killed in Iraq. She is holding a month-long vigil in Crawfold, Texas, hoping to ask President Bush what "cause" her son died for.

Break.

Again with the damn Providence Bridge Pedal! It's on this Sunday and will royally screw up traffic on many of Portland's bridges. Break out the hovercraft, folks!

Fire Season 2005

*The Blossom Complex fire is still a happening thing. It is believed to have been caused by lightning on July 24th.

*A Wildfire Emergency has been declared in Washington State.

*Authorities in California are trying to get in touch with Michael Jordan (can it really be all that difficult to find an extremely famous 7-foot tall black man?) Turns out he was playing golf on a course when a fire broke out near a section he wasn't on. Huh? Well, some friends of his were on that section. Yeah, I'm just as confused as you are. Near as I can figure, they want to ask him who the friends were so they can then ask the friends what they know about the fire, if anything. I think.

I wish there was a way to embed an MP3 in this blog. I have a very funny one of Michael Jordan doing take after take, trying to read Gatorade's slogan, "Is it in you?" with the proper inflection. Despite direction, he keeps putting the inflection on "you" rather than "it."

Weather. Break.

Hey, speaking of the weather segment, the black background underneath the town names on the weather map is back! Good.

Final Cut

*The Fun Couple of the Moment, the Hyattes, are fighting extradiction to Tennessee. Mr. H. seemed confused by the concept but finally said he wanted to do what his wife was doing.

*There was a funeral for the prison guard Mrs. Hyatte alleged shot in Tennessee.

*A security camera caught some mistake of nature knocking over a 93 year-old woman and stealing her purse. I'm not really a Gun Guy, but if Granny had pulled out a heater and delivered Mr. Tough Guy into the Next Life, I wouldn't have felt too bad about it.

*A big ol' sinkhole opened up near Phoenix.

*A tank truck fell over, spilling milk all over the highway in Albuquerque. Is thousands of gallons enough milk to cry over or does quantity not figure into it?

*A 14 year-old girl was prevented from taking a knife to school in Florida. She allegedly wanted to stab her boyfriend. She is now in custody. I think I speak for all of you when I ask, "School is in session in August in Florida?"

*A Georgia cop making a traffic stop was shot and killed by the guy in the car. The killer ran into a nearby post office and eventually killed himself.

*There was a manure spill in upstate New York. Is it OK to cry over spilled manure or does that milk thing apply here also?

*A coyote got its head stuck in a pickle jar in California. Man, if I had a dollar for every time that happened to me... Animal control people planned on tranquilizing the coyote and returning it to the wild, presumably after taking the jar off its head 'cause leaving it on would be cruel. Funny but cruel.

In a related story, my wife and I saw a coyote along the side of the road on Thursday. We painted a tunnel on the side of a rock wall and drove into it; the coyote, chasing us, ran straight into the wall. Or maybe that last part is just from a cartoon I saw.

*Proving yet again that there's apparently nothing that someone can't find amusement in, someone in Alaska has grown a 752-pound pumpkin.

World Tonight

*The planned Israeli pullout from the Gaza Strip is causing tension. The Palestinians think it's groovy; some Israelis are less enthusiastic about it.

*Speaking of tension in the Middle East, a tanker blew up on the West Bank, giving people the willies.

Breaking News. Same old, same old. Same video footage as before. David Frietas/Freitas told us that the knife in question has now been found, which I kind of thought had been the case earlier, although I could be wrong about that.

Jamie Wilson made a return appearance near the KPTV "news" van. Gang-style graffiti is turning up in Oregon City. The cops attribute that to gangs being forced out of Portland and Gresham. They've caught some of the alleged perpetrators who will have to paint over the graffiti as part of their sentencing.

Hmm, no Hollywood Buzz tonight, so this will have to suffice. That "impartial panel" that Fox hired to investigate the Paula Abdul affair has concluded that there is no evidence that Paula made the Beast With Two Backs with an American Idol contestant. Therefore Abdul will be returning to the inexplicably popular TV show.

A North Carolina woman named Merab Morgan (!) has responded to Supersize Me!, a documentary by Morgan Spurlock, in which he ate 3 meals a day at McDonalds, gaining much weight in the process. She claims to have done something similar and lost 37 pounds (although she limited her daily intake to 1400 calories).

OK, let's talk here. In the wee hours of Friday morning as I was typing yesterday's report, I kept hearing this story on the radio news. I must have heard it at least 3 times overnight. I also saw it on TV Friday evening. I kept thinking, "Why are they reporting on this now? This is an old story. I heard about this at least a month ago." Well, not exactly, as it turns out.

What I was remembering was a very similar story from several weeks ago involving a woman named Soso Whaley (what is it with the weird names?) She also set out to refute Supersize Me! The stories about Whaley made her out to be just your average woman (albeit with a weirdass name) who set up a production company to make a movie to "set the record straight" about fast food. Not so much.

Turns out that Whaley is a member of the Competitive Enterprise Institute, a right-wing, pro-corporate think tank. In other words, she isn't just an average housewife-y woman who got a bug up her butt about Supersize Me! That little detail somehow got lost in the coverage of her story.

Here's some information I found about Whaley:

http://www.exxonsecrets.org/html/personfactsheet.php?id=1155

Here's some more:

www.newshounds.us/2005/06/21/super_size_me_and_the_spin.php+
%22Soso+Whaley%22&hl=en

Finding this stuff about Whaley makes me wonder what the real deal is with Merab Morgan.

*Moving on, A guy named Frank Moroski has invented the Dog Gone Deodorizing Thong for dogs. It helps with canine flatulence and makes your dog's butt look sex-ay! $20.

*In case you somehow managed to miss this, the Taste of Oregon is on this weekend in Waterfront Park. Eat there 3 times a day this weekend, then find a right-wing think take to give you the money to make a documentary about it.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*An Oregon State Supreme Court judge ruled that the retirement system for state workers exceeded its authority and gave too much money to recent retirees. The court's decision affects up to 36,000 Oregonians who receive PERS retirement funds. Some will have to repay up to $8,000 in benefits. Many if not most of these people are living on fixed incomes and may have a very difficult time coming up with the 8 G's. Jesus, this sucks! You can't really blame KPTV for not covering this story, though. If they had, they might not have had time for the anti-flatulence doggie thong piece. Priorities!

*From sploid com: "A California man was in custody on Friday after trying to enter a parking garage near U.N. headquarters with two firearms and a five-gallon container of gasoline in his car. Vernon Wilker, 59, told law enforcement authorities he had a property dispute in California and was coming to the United Nations to file a lawsuit."

*A lovely little scandal involving California governor Schwarzenegger is shaping up. To when your interest, it involves a woman who says she had "outercourse" with Arnold. Here, read this:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-
arnold12aug12,0,6815686.story?page=1&coll=la-home-local

*Liberal radio network Air America is embroiled in a scandal involving a loan from a New York City children's charity. http://www.nydailynews.com/boroughs/story/336139p-287113c.html