Saturday, August 6, 2005

What's that smell? Freshly-baked tabloid, that's what.

Top Story: I swear, if nature hadn't created pitbulls, KPTV would have had to hire someone to breed them. Some woman in Southeast Portland owned 3 of the little monsters. According to her, 2 of them were tussling over something and the neighbors mistook that for a fight. They called the cops. When the cops arrived, what did they see but the woman being bitten by one of the hairy attack machines, so they shot them. The third bow wow ran off and hasn't been found yet. The owner's upset, the neighbors are happy that the dogs are gone. What's the moral of our story? White trash people shouldn't be allowed to pick out their own pets.

The was an armed robbery in Vancouver, Washington. The alleged perpetrator hasn't been caught yet.

Ah, the irony! Multnomah County judge Thomas Moultrie is accused of attacking his wife.

James Moran, the guy who shot himself in the climax of a police chase the other day, is getting a second chance at redeeming his karma (see my disclaimer the other day about the use of the word "karma") by becoming a posthumous organ donor. "Yay, I done got me a crazy guy's liver!"

Fox 12's Most Wanted. It must have been a slow day at F12MW World Headquarters because we got another story about Masico Walker. We got it already, he's a badass.

Speaking of slow news days, we were told yet again that Brooke Wilberger's alleged killer is fighting extradiction to Oregon. Well, if he was on Friday, he would still be on Saturday since nothing much could change over the weekend, with the courts closed and all.

A train was derailed in Portland. No injuries.

An apartment fire in Salem destroyed 4 units. 3 families are now displaced.

In another example of the Age of Institutionalized Panic we live in, a "security breach" caused the authorities to clear Terminal C at PDX. Everybody had to go through security screening again. Oh, what a happy little scene that must have been. I just love it when my tax dollars go to paying a Federal worker to feel me up.

A 2 year-old Brush Prairie girl was hit by the family van. When does Grand Theft Auto: Brush Prairie come out?

Carlos Rubio has been missing for 2 months now. See what it takes for TV "news" shows to take notice of the disappearance of a non-blonde non-female person? Make it CARLA Rubio and give her a rack and they'd be on this like white on rice.

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Lowell Deo" told us about a Mt. Vernon, Washington family that had six bullets from an AK-47 fly through the wall of their house in the middle of the night. No one was hit but I'll bet there were some soiled underpants around Mt. Vernon. Cops think it was just random gang shooting.

*Some folks approved to grow medical marijuana in Springfield have been abusing the privelege, according to the cops, by growing more than they're supposed to. 2 teenage girls were inside the house when the Man arrived.

*A small plane crashed on Friday in Coolin, Idaho.

*There are new safety standards in place for the handling of toxic stuff at the Umatilla Army Depot. No longer will people driving east through the area be asked to take a barrel of radioactive material across the state line to Idaho. Just kidding. They WILL still be asked to take a barrel of stuff to Idaho. Hey, it's cost-effective.

*A prehistoric fossil was found in Prineville, causing local fundamentalists to have to come up with new ways to deny reality.

Break.

America Tonight/News Across America

*A chopper crashed in Albuquerque, New Mexico. If KPTV hadn't pulled David Frietas/Freitas out of there, he could have been On The Scene pointlessly.

*It was Amtrack vs. truck in California. 19 people are injured as a result. Don King wants to book the rematch.

*A Cessna crashed in Illinois. No one was killed

*The Space Shuttle is scheduled to land on Monday morning. According to NASA, the Shuttle mission has been a "success." Yeah, in the same way that the Titanic was successful. After all, what about all the icebergs it didn't hit?

*So, this guy has been missing in Tennessee for the last 16 years, right? Funny story, turns out his decomposed skeleton was found in the attic of his house. Maybe someone shoud have thought of looking up there before now, huh?

*Speaking of pitbulls, some creepy weasels in Lakeland, Florida have been training them to fight, which is illegal. Pitbulls go bye-bye.

*If you want to rob someone and get away with it, you'd be well-advised not to choose the host of a live TV show as your victim. "KPTV's Kaylan Reed" [sp?] brought us this tale of some non-Mensa members who didn't heed that advice. A local cable system in Arkansas has a shopping show and these two Brainiacs crashed the party and tried to rob the host while he was in the middle of the show. He asked viewers to call 911. The crooks got away, though. They left empty-handed.

*A New York cabbie found a million dollars worth of diamonds in the trunk of his taxi and returned them to the Canadian jeweler who lost them. They showed him receiving some kind of certificate for his honesty. Screw that certificate crap, gimme a check!

World Tonight

*The Russian sailors trapped inside their submarine have been rescued. All are alive and well.

*There was a deadly plane crash off the coast of Sicily, often referred to as the football the boot of Italy is preparing to kick.

*Aid is arriving in Niger for the starving people there, slowly though, we were told.

Break.

"KPTV's Dan Springer," who actually works for Fox News Channel and who never met a story he couldn't put a right wing spin on, brought us this piece about NARAL, the National Abortion Rights Action League chapter in Seattle promoting a "Screw abstinence" campaign. Although it seemed pretty clearly intended to be satirical (a couple of people in the story actually said this), Springer made it out to be the End of Civilized Decency or something. This guy's a hack and should be put to sleep alongside those fighting pitbulls. Fair and Balanced, my ass.

Break.

Pump Patrol. The average price for a gallon of gas in Portland at the moment is $2.42. The average across the U.S. is $2.27. The all-time high locally was $2.45 a few months ago.

Tuition for Oregon state-run colleges and universities are going up about 4% this year.

Fire Season 2005

*There was a fire along I-205 near Division. It's out now.

*The Dirty Face fire is still about 35% contained, same as last night.

*The fire level in the Mt. Hood National Forest is about to go high. Restrictions will be in place.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*As sure as God made little green apples, if cops anywhere in Oregon go in for additional pistol training, KPTV will point a camera at them. Multnomah County police are being made to take an 8-hour training course so we got to see them shooting at targets. Yahoo. Kimberly Maus was the voiceover on this piece.

*The L.A. cops have a new toy, enabling them to better harass the citizenry, 4 "smart cars" with infrared cameras on the hood. The cameras can read license plates and check them against a database for violations. I'm so old that I can remember when we were taught that the Soviet Union was EVIL because it hassled its citizens--unlike the Good Ol' U.S. Remind me, who won that Cold War again?

*The next piece was a total blow job for the people at Oregon Scientific. This thing was a commercial disguised as a news story. I, for one, won't be shocked if, down the road, we find out that KPTV was whoring out its "news" content to local companies. Pete Ferryman, who went to O.S.'s location in Tualatin for this one, should have been given special monogrammed kneepads as a "thank you" gift. Did they leave your "tip" on the nightstand, Pete? What a waste of valuable airtime!

A Los Angeles company wants to buy mother's milk from women to sell to hospitals for babies. David Frietas/Freitas was not in, but near, the KPTV "news" van for this story, in a nice change of pace.

Hollywood Buzz

*Eddie Murphy and his wife Nicole are getting divorced. Who gets custody of Shrek?

*Jessica Simpson, at the direction of her father, Svengali Simpson, is suing the tabloids over their reporting that she and Nick WhoCares? are getting divorced.

*"KPTV's Trace Gallagher" told us that, since the Harry Potter books did so well as movies, it was inevitable that the Chronicles of Narnia books will be filmed. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe is being shot as we speak.

*A new Oregon nickel will feature the quotation "Ocean in view. Ah, the joy!" I believe that was spoken by the first motorist to attempt to drive from Boise to Astoria in one day.

*The 3rd annual Bark in the Park event was held in Portland to raise money for animal shelters on Saturday. The 3rd annual Watch Where You Step event will be held for the next several days.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*From sploid.com: "Former [U.K.] foreign secretary Robin Cook was 59. He reportedly collapsed on a walk and died shortly afterwards. Last month he revealed that "Al Qaeda” didn’t actually exist — it was just the name of the CIA database of Mujahdeen employed in Afghanistan during the 1970s & ’80s.

*If you liked the war against Iraq, you're gonna LOVE the war against Iran. From the Voice of America website: "U.S. and other coalition officials in Iraq are voicing concern about the recent discoveries of highly-sophisticated and lethal roadside bombs being smuggled into the country from Iran."

*Anti-war protestors gathered outside the gates of President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. Bush was spotted with his hands over his ears, saying, "I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"

On a personal note, does anyone know of an affordable hard drive data-recovery service?