Sunday, August 7, 2005

Man, I never heard of a computer with a built-in seven-second delay before. I type something and it shows up about seven seconds later. If I ever trash a hard drive on my main computer again, you can expect to see me on KPTV as "Man Commits Suicide, Were Computers To Blame?"

Top Story: Nathan Howard was arrested in downtown Portland after a shooting. No one was injured but there has been mucho shooting goin' on in the bar district of Portland lately. Jim Hyde was On The Scene to tell us about the increased police presence in downtown (again). So far the extra cops don't seem to be stemming the tide of carnage, do they? You know what that means: security cameras everywhere!

There was a possible drowning in the Columbia River on Sunday. A Hispanic man went under and nobody saw him resurface so they figured he drowned, logically enough. He wasn't found though, so the jury's still out on the drowning thing.

A body was found in Marion County. If you've lost a body, contact the Marion County sheriff's office.

There was a kidnapping and robbery in Vancouver, Washington. The suspect was Tasered by the police.

Speaking of Vancouver, there was also a home invasion (formerly known as a burglary) there. Horror of horrors, it was in an "affluent neighborhood," which means that it might actually get some police attention. The rarely-seen Robin Burke was on hand for this story. 5 shots were fired, killing one of the bad guys. 2 others were arrested after a security guard called the police.

Uh oh, Breaking News. Well, actually it ain't all that "Breaking" to report that a 2-alarm fire in Wood Village is now out. You work with what you have, I guess.

The deck on a house in Washington County collapsed after 50 people crowded onto it to pose for a picture. If anyone had a camcorder, the resulting video of them all falling 14 feet to the ground below would have been a shoo-in for the Final Cut. 10 of them went to the hospital.

That pitbull attack from last night? Well, they found the 3rd dog. The neighbors, spoilsports that they are, have gathered 50 signatures on a petition to get rid of Cujo.

Derry Jackson seems to be the KPTV Designated Criminal of the Week. They just can't get enough of him, even though he isn't actually providing them with anything new to talk about.

A drunk bicyclist ran into a car and landed in OSU Hospital for his efforts. Is a bicycle really a good choice of vehicle for a degenerate alcoholic?

A car flew into a creek in McMinnville, resulting in 2 deaths.

Meth Watch. There was no real story here. Mark Lyzewski gave us a bunch of generalities about cops on the meth beat. At KPTV "news," a day without a meth "story" is like a day without sunshine.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

*A small plane crashed in Chiloquin. The pilot is dead.

*Look, everyone, it's "KPTV's Nicole Sanchez." How much of a fuck-up do you have to be to throw a Molotov cocktail into a church and have it not go off? Well, someone in Shoreline, Washington now knows exactly how much of a fuck-up they are.

America Tonight

*ABC TV news anchor, Peter Jennings, is dead. "KPTV's Tom Foreman" told us about Jennings' life in journalism, a subject the people at KPTV have actually heard of.

*The Space Shuttle Discovery is scheduled to land Monday morning. Yes, I've predicted that the thing will crash several times on this blog already, but this is once when I sincerely hope I'm wrong. I'm no rocket scientist, but I think if you're going to send people into space, the vehicle they go up in should be better designed than the George Foreman Grill.

*A 17 year-old girl was found dead in Ft. Myers, Florida.

*Her brother is doing ads for a phone company, but Marie Osmond's house had a fire. In your face, Donny! No one was injured.

World Tonight

*All those guys in that Russian submarine are goin' to Disney World! Well, if Disney's P.R. people had anything on the ball, they would be.

*Israeli financial minister Netanyahu had a hissy fit and quit over the coming Israeli pullout from the Gaza strip. Is there any God-forsaken piece of real estate more fought-over?

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*3 American troops were killed over the weekend. I don't get it, 3 they report on, but 14 they totally ignore (see earlier this week)?

*The Iraquis are still working on their constitution. I guess it's hard to concentrate when shit is blowing up all around you.

War On Terror/London Terror

*A man was arrested in connection with the recent London bombings. It is alleged that he ran a training camp for terrorists in Bly, Oregon. Gee, you would have thought, what with the "local connection" and all, that this story would merit more than 15 seconds.

Break.

Juvenile Justice. First-time offenders are brought before a court made up entirely of high schoolers. All through the story, I kept wondering if there was a Kiddie Gas Chamber. I'd go and check in person but we eventually found out that the court was in Colonie, New York, a suburb of Albany. We have "KPTV's Eric Liljegren" to thank for this story. I think "Liljegren" is an anagram for "phony journalist."

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

Breaking News. Maybe it's just me, but if the "Breaking News" wasn't all that exciting the first time, it won't BECOME exciting the next time. Same old fire from before, same old result: no injury.

*Jim Hyde was near the KPTV "news" van to tell us about a proposal to put serial numbers on all bullets sold in America. As with absolutely anything involving guns or bullets, some people are for this and some are against it. "If bullets have serial numbers, only criminals will have serial numbers." Or something. Oh, by the way, the monitors in the "news" van are back to being tuned to another station. Fix that, will ya?

*Are 7 testing facilities nationwide enough to halt Mad Cow Disease? The controversy rages.

*Next we got some blah-blah about counterfeit prescription medicines but I couldn't hear all the details because my sister-in-law was talking to me about mad cow diesase. Doesn't my family realize how important my work ridiculing everything KPTV does is?? I can't work under these conditions! I'll be in my trailer. Where's my assistant? I need a Diet Mr. Pibb!

*Pump Patrol. Gas in Portland is averaging $2.43/gallon. Nationally it's $2.36. It's expected to continue to go up. Good thing we have oil men in the White House!

*Clearly, the answer to every problem in America is more surveillance of our citizens. A non-profit group called the Child Project is trying to put together a national database of iris scans of kids. America will be crime-free once we all have a camera up our ass. "KPTV's Johnathan Serrie" gave us this story.

*Kimberly Maus who, along with Pete Ferryman, seems to be permanently on the "kiss corporations on the ass" beat, handled this one. This story was about some upcoming cell phones with cameras that will have optical zoom capability. Exactly 3 viewers cared about this story: Kimberly Maus, her mother and a guy with thick glasses nicknamed "Einstein" who lives in his Mom's basement in Tualatin.

Breaking News. Remember what I said about a story not being more exciting the second time. It's even less exciting the THIRD time. Even if you DO have pictures of the fire to add.

Hollywood Buzz

*This story made no logical sense. A tabloid photographer was shot with a BB near a house that Britney Spears visits a lot. And that means what, exactly?

*Emotional Cheating. "KPTV's Mary Snow" was on hand for this desperate attempt to wring one more story out of the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt break-up. Some loser has written a book about "emotional cheating" (is that like "lusting in your heart" like Jimmy Carter once did?) and, you know, maybe that's what Brad did with Angelina Jolie, so there you go. Pathetic.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*In a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse, the Dukes of Hazzard movie is number one at the box office.

*Bob Novak, "Douchebag of Liberty" as The Daily Show christened him, blew up on CNN the other day, dropping the word "bullshit" and walking off the live show.

*Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she believes the Iraqi insurgents are "losing steam." O-kay.