Friday, August 19, 2005

Oh man, it was another one of those nights, the kind in which the mayhem, alleged sex abuse and car wrecks come so fast that I can barely scribble down notes in shorthand fast enough to keep up. Therefore, some of the stories listed below may be missing a fact or two...or three. I was complaining about the blistering pace of the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show to my wife. She promptly suggested that I was perhaps too old for the job, knowing that her jibes would send me into low Earth orbit. When I suggested that she was more than welcome to take over my duties, she demurred, however. Everybody's a damn critic.

Top Story. Oops, nope, it's time once again for the game America has come to know and love, Breaking News. An armed man is on the loose in Woodbridge. A crew is on the way.

OK, back to the Top Story. Seems that an 11 year-old girl was given meth by a family member, Glen Langford. This allegedly happened at a truck stop in Troutdale; Langford is a trucker who was taking the girl, whose relationship to him isn't being revealed by the cops just yet, along with him for the ride. David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene for this one. The girl is in Mt. Hood Hospital.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Conan Lapping, an alleged perpetrator from the other day, is still being sought. Aiding you in your possible identification of Lapping, should you run across him, is his tattoo which reads, "Sickest of the sickest." I kid you not.
• In comparison to Lapping, Michael Dahl is Man of the Year. He just hasn't reported to his parole officer lately. Big whoop.

Portland cops are investigating an apparently racially-motivated stabbing in Northwest. 4 white males stabbed a black guy. David Wilson gave us this one.

Oh, those wacky neo-Nazis. A white supremacist group claimed to be holding a get-together to raise money for starving people in Africa. Turns out that wasn't what they were doing at all! What a bunch of crazy cut-ups. This little wing-ding will be happening in Cascade Locks. If you happen to attend this thing and you run across a guy named August Kreis, tell him "Uncle Bob" says hi. Back in my radio talk show host days, I interviewed Augie and a few of his pals, one of whom is now doing federal time for knocking over some banks to finance the coming white revolution (their fantasy, not mine). In fact, after the interview, Augie told me that the tape of the show would make me quite famous in white supremacist circles. And you thought I had never amounted to anything, huh?

There is an ongoing investigation into the death of a Gresham toddler. The autopsy results will be released when they are finished.

The alleged murderer of Brooke Wilberger, the only victim with her own theme music on KPTV's "news" show, is getting a new lawyer. Turns out the public defender assigned to the case has been arrested herself for DUII. Oh, she has a few other DUII's on her record, too. Yup, there's absolutely no difference between the type of justice available to rich people and that available to poor people in America. None at all. And monkeys just flew out of my butt.

The judge in the case against a defendant accused of killing a deputy won't recuse himself from the case even though he attended the funeral of the victim. The judge says he didn't know the deputy so he can still be impartial.

Yuck Alert. Former teacher Steven Bulleit is accused of committing sexual abuse of a student. The cops say they found kiddy porn on his computer and that he sexually abused his own foster son and two other boys. They say he had sex with the boys on camera. Keri Tomlinson, fresh off her Dirty Dining duties for this week, handled this one. There's ass-pounding jail in this guy's future.

Hey, it's another Wacky Teacher Story. A former teacher in Rainier has admitted spanking some of his students. He's been giving 5 years probation.

There was an attempted rape at about 7 AM in Northeast Portland (or was it Gresham? Hey, I said I was having a hard time keeping up tonight). Despite a chase, the alleged perpetrator got away.

During an argument with another man about their dogs, a 79 year-old man was attacked by the other guy. Vancouver was the scene.

Break.

Let's stick with Vancouver. A man snatched the purse from an old lady. Some of the eyewitnesses gave chase and a guy with a pick-up truck blocked him down the street from the Safeway where the snatching took place. The perp ran into the truck a few times, causing little damage. He was arrested and the cops are happy for the assistance.

A driver in Clackamas thought, for some reason, that it was a good idea to block the street with his vehicle. Oddly, the police disagreed with this notion and, after a discussion of the merits of removing his sorry ass from the road, shot him with a Taser.

A former Portland Archbishop has been served to testify in 2 cases concerning sexual abuse of children. All kidding aside, the way the Catholic church has chosen to deal (or not deal) with these allegations is a disgrace. More about this way at the bottom of this blogging.

Eric Guthrie was importing cigarettes from Switzerland to sell on the Internet to Americans. Um, that's a no-no, as it avoids U.S. taxes. For his trouble, Mr. Guthrie has the distinction of being the first person arrested for bootlegging cigs on the Information Superhighway (forgot about that silly nickname, didn't you?)

Abandoning animals, even in front of a closed shelter or veterinary clinic, is illegal. This was a follow-up to last night's story about the woman who ditched the 32 kitties outside a shelter. Oh, remember how we also learned about the pitbull that jumped into the KPTV "news" van, scaring the part out of Hilary Hutcheson's hair? Tonight we got the added bit of info that Hilary and her cameraman had to jump on top of the van to keep from being attacked by Cujo. Damn, I would pay to see footage of that! I picture Hilary saying, while up there, "Hey, I can see my hairdresser's from here!"

Some rich dude bought himself a new boat (you know he has to be ultra-rich when you see the big-ass yacht he owns and mentally calculate how much it must cost to fill the tank up at today's gas prices). He tries to set sail in the Willamette, only to get his hull snagged on a submerged car. Turns out that the mighty Willamette is where a lot of car thieves like to discard their swag.

That schizophrenic woman who left her kid with a bank teller and then tried to rob another bank has turned up. She called 911 to turn herself in. Hey, she's nuts, not stupid. They picked her up in Southeast Portland and took her crazy ass to the state hospital in Salem. Ever seen that shack? It's straight out of the first act of the stage play of Dracula.

That police informant in Yamhill County who allegedly ratted out people who hadn't necessarily broken the law, has royally screwed up things there. The county now has to turn their formerly confidential files over to all the defendants' lawyers. Somebody's going to turn up in one of those submerged cars in the Willamette, methinks.

Under new rules, crimes committed while you are a juvenile can now add time to any sentence you later get as an adult. The old rule was that anything you did as a juvie was basically forgotten when you become of age.

Break.

Mechanics for Northwest Airlines went on strike at midnight, creating the possibility of stranding many passengers. Northwest is the nation's 4th largest airline. David Wilson was at PDX for this story.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

A couple from southern Oregon has been accused of sexually abusing a boy who worked for them on their ranch.

There are vague concerns on the part of unspecified persons that slaughterhouses may still be handling beef from mad cows.

Under a new law, you now need to show an ID to vote in Washington state. You didn't need one before??

This next piece was yet another example of how the least important story is often one of the longest ones on the KPTV "news" show. "KPTV's Alicia Hahn" [sp?] told us about a woman who found a sick duck and nursed it back to health. She grew fond of the duck and took it to work with her. Someone dropped a dime on her and wildlife officers showed up at her workplace and confiscated the bird. She quoted one of the officers as saying, "Give me the duck or I'll arrest you." On a security tape, we could see the office pushing her in the chest and taking the animal from her. She has been charged with unlawful possession of wildlife. This story ran for a few minutes on a "news" show that apparently couldn't find any time to mention the war in Iraq. Journalism at its finest.

Before going to the weather, we got an "update" about the gunman on the loose in Woodburn. Shouldn't an update contain some actual updated information? Guess I was wrong about that.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

• A deadly tornado swept across Wisconsin. Wristbands were handed out to local residents to prevent looting by outsiders.
• Stormy weather hit Cincinnati, Ohio. There was a whole INCH of rain. Know what residents of the Oregon coast call a day like that? Tuesday.
• Next we saw amateur video of an explosion in San Francisco. It wasn't terrorist stuff, just something underground blowing up, making a manhole fly up in the air and a sidewalk buckle.
• A trench collapse in Detroit injured 3.
• Are school districts deliberately hiring the stupidest people on Earth or what? A tiger attacked a girl posing for a school picture at an animal sancturary in Kansas. Here's Bob's Rule for School Pictures: There is NO legitimate reason to involve a dangerous wild animal in a friggin' SCHOOL PICTURE! You want a tiger in a picture? Stick a freshman in a mascot outfit.
• A semi falling on a car in Connecticut resulted in a death.
• A guy died after using the drug Vioxx for several months. His widow sued Merck, the maker, and the jury awarded her $253 million. Since this happened in Texas and Merck has announced they are going to appeal, she'll be lucky to get her receipt from the courthouse parking lot validated when the dust settles.
• The Space Shuttle, AKA Space Pinto, is being flown back from California to Florida on the back of a jumbo jet. The astronauts' luggage was misdirected to Phoenix. Ha! I kill me.
• 14 balls filled with cocaine and pot washed up on some beach somewhere. I warned you I missed a detail or two, didn't I?
• A cocker spaniel got itself stuck underneath a truck in Texas. It was freed by the local fire department. The stuck cocker got more airtime tonight than the troops in Iraq.
• A kitten was shot by a crossbow arrow in Florida. Vets were working on removing it.
• That anamalous gator in Harbor City, California is still free. An animal wrangler failed to catch it and will try again in about a week.

World Tonight

• The Gaza Strip is now almost completely Jew-free. Palestinians were celebrating this on Thursday. I'm absolutely certain that this development will now put an end to the animosity between Israel and the Palestinians. I also believe that weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was involved with Al Qaeda and that Iraq attacked the U.S. Fox News Channel wouldn't lie to me, would it?
• Bombs in a town near the Red Sea in Israel killed 1 person.
• The new Pope visited a synagogue in Cologne, Germany. I guess that makes up for that whole wacky Hitler Youth thing.

Breaking News. It's ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck. KPTV blew the mothballs off Robin Burke and sent her out to Woodburn. We now find out that the gunman is a Hispanic and had a shotgun. We got some tape of local residents. Do I even need to characterize what they said for you?

The residents were:

1. Unconcerned about the presence of a dangerous man in their neighborhood
2. Scared as they didn't expect this sort of thing to happen around there

If you said 2, you're right!

Meth Watch. Some do-gooder group in Klamath Falls has produced a DVD featuring meth addicts giving personal testimony about the power of the drug.

Medford is the location of the 10th most overpriced homes in America, according to who, I don't know. Medford houses are 55% overpriced, according to whoever said this.

Hollywood Buzz

Shock of shocks! Courtney Love is back on drugs and has been sent to a month-long program by a judge. No one who saw the recent roast of Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central on which Courtney repeatedly lifted her blouse and fell off her chair could possibly doubt the truth of this.

Shock of shocks 2! Former Playboy playmate and washed-up MTV hottie Jenny McCarthy is getting divorced.

The "Christopher Walken for President" website is a joke. If you saw this website and didn't realize this, please get a vasectomy or hysterectomy immediately. You should not be allowed to reproduce.

Finally, in the inevitable American Idol "news," "KPTV's Brandon Todd" gave us tips to help us win on Idol. Don't sing Falling by Alicia Keys and, above all, be yourself. If this information enhanced your life in any way, please re-read the last two sentences in the previous paragraph and take them seriously.

The Inscrutable Countdown Clock ran out about 30 seconds before the Final Cut segment ended. Tsk tsk. Your lucky hairdo isn't working for you, Hilary.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• From Sploid.com: "Some 100 million Indonesians were without electricity on Thursday as power outages hit the country’s main grid, leaving office workers in Jakarta trapped in elevators and the state-owned power monopoly struggling for an explanation." Eh, who cares about 100 million people in an obscure country when there's a dog stuck under a truck in Texas?
• With his current vacation in Crawford, Texas, President Bush has set a record for the most vacation time ever taken by an American president, beating the previous record holder, Ronald Reagan, even though Bush has 3 and a half years left in his tenure.
• Since Vatican City is technically a sovereign country (despite being completely surrounded by the city of Rome), the Pope is a head of state. From the AP: "Lawyers for Pope Benedict have asked President George W. Bush to declare the pontiff immune from liability in a lawsuit that accuses him of conspiring to cover up the molestation of three boys by a seminarian in Texas, court records show." Pope Scumbag I.