Saturday, August 13, 2005

OK, I promise to be less wordy than I was yesterday. I can see the relief on your face from here.

Top Story: 2 armed robbers wearing ski masks "knocked over" the Victory Bingo Hall. The hall is either in Southeast Portland or Gresham; that point was a little unclear in this story. David Frietas/Freitas picked the short straw and had to cover this one. We saw part of a woman who was afraid to have her face on camera. She's scared. Yup, close proximity to crime'll do that to ya.

Next we got a recap of the story about the stabbing at the Montavilla Pool from yesterday.

A guy with the hyphenated last name(s) Gabriel-Lopez committed a kidnapping back in March 2003. He has now been sentenced to 12 years in jail.. Buh-bye Mr. Hyphenate.

My wife chided me tonight. She thought that, in yesterday's report, I made it sound as if I was picking on KPTV for telling the audience that, overall, violent crime has been on the decrease in downtown Portland lately. I didn't think I gave that impression, but if I did, well, that wasn't my intent. I'm glad they reported that. Anyway, this story told us yet again about "Operation Safe Streets," the initiative that has mucho policia in downtown Portland in the evenings. According to the story, the cops think that the Yuppification of North Portland has forced gang members to downtown, causing the shootings there.

Clark County sheriff's deputy Crawford was killed in the line of duty and had a park named in his honor on Saturday.

The body of a Marion County woman was found back in mid-May. The cause of her death is still a mystery.

4 teens are accused of setting a fire in the YMCA in Salem. Speaking of "YMCA," I happened to see the Village People perform in Bethlehem, PA several years ago. Lip Sync City, man! The music was pre-recorded and I caught some of them not moving their lips when they were supposed to be singing! They made Milli Vanilli give their Grammy back for stuff like this. Sheesh.

Northwest Tonight

*Man, KPTV didn't give me much to work with tonight, joke-wise. "KPTV's Nicole Sanchez" brought us this story about a couple of little kids. Their neighbors found them sans supervision, looking hungry and dirty. Upon investigation, it turned out that their Mom was in the house, dead. She may have died as early as Wednesday and she appears to have expired from natural causes. The neighbors said it was a particular shame that she died as she had been making sincere efforts to turn her life around from drug abuse. Like I said, not exactly the springboard for comedy, huh?

*Must be a slow night for crime in the Northwest as we heard again about the homeless guy who sprayed his HIV+ blood around a hospital the other day. We got it the first time, KPTV, it's disgusting.

*A tree fell on a house in Spokane, messing the house up pretty badly, but not injuring the man who lives there.

*A new Paleotological Center has opened in Kimberly, Oregon.

*Frogs are invading Big Sandy, Montana. I think I saw a movie about this very subject on late night TV when I was a kid. No, sorry, that was Citizen Kane. That's not about invading frogs, is it? I always get those confused.

Break.

America Tonight

*A tornado in Wyoming killed 2 people.

*A plane made an emergency landing in Pittsburgh, after an engine went out.

*I didn't understand the Chyron for this story, which read "Wal-Mart Attack Attack." It was about an employee at Wally World who hid outside the store, grabbed a female co-worker, dragged her into some bushes and raped her.

*The remains of a woman who disappeared about a year ago were found in Florida.

*So, they're doing some construction work on a highway in Florida. A guy drives through that section of road every day. He doesn't like being delayed on his drive and has been giving some lip to the highway workers. OK, no biggie, right? Yeah, except that this asswipe showed up the other day packing heat. He shot at some of the workers. OK, that's over the line, pal.

*Caught On Camera. A dad was called to his son's high school, told that the boy had missed some classes. Dad is waiting for the kid in the school's office. When Son shows up, Dad starts wailing on him, even picking him up and dumping him on the office's counter. Imagine Dad's red face when he's told that there had been a mistake and his son did not actually miss any classes. Oh, the hilarity!

*Remember Joey Buttafuoco, World Class Asshole, from the Amy Fisher story back in '92? Joey, who now lives in California, has pleaded not guilty to illegal possession of ammunition. Could someone please help me lift this big rock so Joey can crawl back under it?

*A cow was rescued from the septic tank it had fallen into in Alabama. This is the single most significant thing that has happened in Alabama since Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

*A 5-foot long gator was found in Harbor City, California. They should ship it to Alabama and drop it down that septic tank so the locals can be on the "talking box" again.

*The 105th Hobo Convention was this weekend in Britt, Iowa. 20,000 people attended. OK, question: If you're a hobo, out riding the rails and all that stuff that hobos do, how are you notified where and when the Hobo Convention is going to be held? I mean, it isn't like you have a broadband connection under that boxcar.

World Tonight

*Everyone's favorite Communist Straw Man, Fidel Castro, celebrated his 79th birthday on Saturday. The KPTV story didn't tell us this, but Castro is now the world's longest-reigning head of state. I just want to know if he has several of those olive drab military-style outfits we always see him wearing or if he just takes real good care of the one he owns. Special bonus odd thought: Does Castro have a listing on Friendster? If not, shouldn't someone set one up for him?

*A big storm which has brought with it torrential rains is the 10th to hit China this year.

Break.

Meth Watch. A "Foster Parents' Bill of Rights" is making its way through the legislature. It is intended to give foster parents more say in what happens to kids in their care in cases where the biological parent(s) has/have a drug problem. Jim "Scoop" Hyde gave us this one.

Break.

If I have to hear about the damn Providence Bridge Pedal one more time, I'm going to force everyone at KPTV "news" to ride a bike with no seat. Naked. It's happening Sunday morning and it's going to screw up most of downtown Portland, traffic-wise.

Volcano Warning. Some "warning": Mt. St. Helens shook a bit, registering 3.2 on Ye Olde Richter Scale. That all you got, volcanic beyotch?

Fire Season 2005

*The Blossom Complex fire has now consumed 7 square miles of acreage. It's 40% contained.

*The Dirty Face fire should be out sometime on Sunday. Yay.

*The Blackerby fire in Idaho has burned 2800 acres and is 5% contained.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*"KPTV's Caroline Shivley" gave us this bogus piece of nonsense about parents who let their kids drink in their own homes. Based on absolutely no hard information, we were told that parents supervising drinking parties is a growing trend. Who needs those stupid "facts" when you can just make shit up? Naturally, we got to see some parents who were predictably horrified by the very notion. Then, for "balance," we got some guy from the Cato Institute who thought it was just dandy to let your kids drink at home.

I just love it when TV "news" puts someone from a place like the Cato Institute on camera. Most of the time they don't bother to tell you what the hell the Cato Institute actually is. You could hardly be blamed if you assumed it was some health-related organization or something. Here, from cato.org, their official website, is the Cato Institute's mission:

"The Cato Institute seeks to broaden the parameters of public policy debate to allow consideration of the traditional American principles of limited government, individual liberty, free markets and peace. Toward that goal, the Institute strives to achieve greater involvement of the intelligent, concerned lay public in questions of policy and the proper role of government."

In other words, it's a Libertarian think tank. I have no problem with that, but what the hell is a Cato Fellow doing on the TV "news" talking about whether parents should let their kids drink at home? Grrrrr. Anyway, oddly enough, it is not illegal in Oregon (unlike many other states) for parents to allow their kids to drink alcohol in their own homes.

Fight For Iraq

*American troops found a chemical plant in Northern Iraq. Uh oh, is this the Magical Elusive WMD Facility? Well, probably not, but no one really knows yet what type of chemicals the plant was set up to produce. There is absolutely no reason to assume that this place produced anything sinister. For all we know, the place manufactured burkha bleach.

*A roadside bomb in Baghdad injured 3 people.

*With Monday's deadline looming, they are still working on the new Iraqi constitution. They need a Mohammad al-Jefferson to nail this thing down.

*Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a son who was killed in Iraq, is still holding her round-the-clock vigil in Crawford, Texas where the President is vacationing. She has now been joined on the side of the road by dozens of other people who got to see Bush's motorcade speed past them on Saturday.

*A pro-Bush rally was held across the road from Sheehan on Saturday. The KPTV story didn't mention it, but it was organized by a second-tier right-wing radio talk host named Mike Gallagher.

War On Terror

*The Department of Homeland Security has announced that it may be relaxing some of the silly friggin' rules that make you take off your shoes at the airport and keep you from bringing nail clippers onto a plane.

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*In other absolutely vital news, we heard about how wealthy Americans have been building larger homes lately. They're nicknamed "McMansions" and the Los Angeles City Council has voted to restrict some of them.

*In a related story, the median price of homes in the Portland area is now $240,000, up 13%. Up 13% since when, I ask.

Pump Patrol. The average price of a gallon of gas in Portland is now $2.48. Across America, it's $2.50. In Oregon, the average price is $2.53. David Frietas/Freitas was near the KPTV "news" van for this one. According to Dave, "experts" are hard-put to explain why the prices are rising. Um, aren't "experts" supposed to KNOW stuff like that? Hell, I don't know shit about the petroleum industry and I can say "I don't know" why the prices are going up when the press asks. Voila, I'm an expert. Pay me! Related to the rising price of gas, several airlines announced on Saturday that ticket prices are going up.

*A man in California has souped-up his hybrid Prius by adding a bunch of extra batteries to the car's circuit. He can get up to 80 MPH. Yeah, but he has to keep stopping at Rite-Aid to buy more batteries!

Hollywood Buzz

*In the greatest blow to acting since that ugly incident at Ford's Theater, Julia Roberts has announced that, after she appears on Broadway next year, she is retiring from thespianism. No, Pretty Woman, NO!

*Angelina Jolie was made an honorary citizen of Cambodia for her work with on behalf of the children there. Maybe I should be asking the editors of Us Magazine this, but does the "adopting Third World kids" thing outweigh the "ruining Jennifer Aniston's marriage" thing?

*Local singer-songwriter Geoff Byrd has wangled himself a record deal, based on Microsoft's promotion of his work on their "Start Something Amazing" website. Well, isn't that special? How nice for him. We got to hear him sing a little bit; he struck me as OK but nothing all that spectacular, but I confess I'm not that big on the "sensitive guy singing songs" genre. Mark Lyzewski gave us this piece of fluff.

And lastly, the Bite of Oregon eat-a-thon ends on Sunday.

Hilary Hutcheson's NEW new haircut (yes, another one) looked nice and all but she over-ran the Final Cut Countdown Clock by about 45 seconds. Dock that woman's salon allowance!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*In response to the murder of the Foreign Minister, the government of Sri Lanka has imposed a State of Emergency. What this all means I have no idea.

*According to the New York Times, the Pentagon is struggling for the second time to equip American troops with proper body armor. The current armor is insufficient to protect the soldiers from the bombs used by the insurgency.

*The National Abortion Rights Action League's director of communcations has resigned in the wake of controversy about an ad NARAL ran to oppose the nomination of Judge John Roberts to the Supreme Court.