Thursday, August 18, 2005

Ah, I see that KPTV is back to that old wacky thing they used to do all the time where the "Top Story" is some piece of irrelevance that no one--especially anyone trained in journalism--could possibly think of as a "Top Story."

Top Story. There are mice in a Hillsboro movie multiplex! MICE, I tell you. Mi-i-i-i-i-i-ce. A patron of the "Movies on TV" theater (odd name that) claims to have been bitten by a small animal presumed to be a mouse. The KPTV "news" team promptly went to Def Con 4, dispatching a hidden camera crew to the joint. So, they must have found some horrible mouse infestation, right? Well, no. Actually, they didn't find a damn thing. David Frietas/Freitas helpfully held up a flip-flop to show us the kind of footwear you wouldn't want to wear to a theater that had mice in it. You know, like the mice they couldn't find any of at "Movies on TV." Those mice. Oh, in case you were wondering, the chances of getting the Hantavirus from mice, like the ones they couldn't find any of at "Movies on TV," are minimal. One thing about KPTV: they never let an absence of facts get in the way of a juicy story.

THIS JUST IN: A large rodent has been sighted at Disneyland, in Anaheim, California. Reports say that the rodent in question stands as tall as a human and wears pants with large buttons on them. KPTV has mobilized Keri Tomlinson , Perverted Justice and the entire I-Team to go to Southern California to investigate. More as it develops.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Watch out for armed robbery suspect Derek Moore. He's no movie theater mouse, but he's dangerous all the same.
• A bank in Milwaukie was robbed.
• Tamarra Thomas, Beaverton schizophrenic, is missing from her group home. David Wilson was On The Scene. Even though the cops brought out the canine corps, they couldn't find Thomas, who shot her 9 year-old son 6 years ago. Her former husband says he is sure she isn't dangerous. So, why'd you ditch her crazy ass then? Could it have been because of that whole shot-her-kid-for-no-reason thing?

Speaking of crazy biotches, Violeta Carmona threw a knife at her hubby and poured gasoline all around their home. That's gonna help property values, huh?

The Never-Ending Parade of Disturbing Crime continued with a story about how the Rose Village neighborhood in Vancouver, Washington has been the scene of mucho bad stuff of late. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene. The local gendarmes have set up a Crime Fighting RV (well, that's what it looked like to me) in the neighborhood. The Fighting Winnebago apparently makes locals feel better in some way. A Rose Villager said that he suspects meth is the reason for the increase in crime. Uh, I thought that Oregon police were saying that meth-related crime was down immediately upon the implementation of the new anti-cold med law; have they driven it across the river? Well, possibly, as the Vancouver cops think that gangs are being driven out of Portland to their fair city.

A flasher in Lewis and Clark State Park was charged with indecent public exposure. Personally, I think the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. The guy was just celebrating the Lewis and Clark bicentennial by re-enacting Clark's immortal words: "Penis in view! O! The Joy!"

(Alleged) scumbag Kenneth Bolling has exercised his constitutional right to waste the court's time by entering a plea of not guilty.

Brock Phillips, accused of giving alcohol to minors, has also entered a plea of not guilty.

Some weasel whose name I didn't catch who was convicted back in 1969 of serial murders would like to be released from prison, thank you very much. Sure, he was nuts back then, but he's much better now, he says. Back to your cell, Nutty McCuckoo, said the parole board.

Donald Donaldson, who is accused of stealing a bunch of fleet vehicles from a local business, was caught in one of the company's vans thanks to onboard GPS equipment.

Break.

Hey, remember when that load of 32 cats and kittens showed up on the doorstep of the humane society in Northeast Portland? It was back on August 9th. Well, thanks to a neighbor of hers who dropped the proverbial dime on her, the woman who ditched all the kitties has been caught. Even subtracting the 32, she still had about 15 felines at her place. Hilary Hutcheson, who has gone back to her pre-last Saturday night hair (when it looked divine!) brought us this story. Don't drift off yet; this one's about to get really good (and funny).

So, the woman who ditched the cats is facing a fine of $2500 for each cat and possible jail time, but that isn't the good part. This is: While Hilary and her cameraman were out at the humane society (which was, of course, locked up tight), someone dropped off a pitbull. The doggie, frightened perhaps by Hilary's third hairdo in the past ten days, promptly hopped into the KPTV "news" van. Hilary and Mr. Camera jumped out (so we were told). We got to see the pooch, slobbering on the inside of the passenger window. 2 cops on the scene were trying to figure out what to do about the situation. My suggestion is to drive the van to Hillsboro and release the dog at Movies On TV. Tomorrow night's Top Story: Dangerous Dog Loose At Local Movie Theater. Screw those eggheads at the Columbia School of Journalism; it is too still news if you make it happen yourself.

A woman is dead and 2 others are injured because of an ugly car crash in North Portland.

Mountain On The Move. Mark Nelson, Weather Weasel, made an early appearance with some time-lapse footage of the lava dome inside Mt. St. Helens growing in recent weeks.

Remember that tsunami warning back in June? The state Emergency Management Whatchamacallit says that while some coastal Oregon communities were prepared for a tsunami, Newport wasn't.

Northwest Tonight

• A Mulkilteo, Washington man was shot by an "escort." He found her via the Internet and was unhappy when the woman who showed up at his door didn't match the picture he had seen on-line. "If I wanted the crack whore, I'd have ordered the crack whore" I picture him saying. He didn't want to pay her the "cancellation fee" so she did the logical thing and shot him. Well, it's not as if prostitutes can hire collection agencies, right? "KPTV's Derek Wing" brought us this sordid little tale.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• Cindy Sheehan, the Gold Star mother who has been keeping a vigil near President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, had to leave the site to tend to her mother in California who has had a stroke. She says she will return as soon as possible.

War On Terror/London Terror

• The cops in London have new bomb-sniffing dogs. They use mostly Labradors or Springer Spaniels. And now you know.

World Tonight

• Jewish settlers who didn't want to move were carried kicking and screaming out of the Gaza Strip which has been handed over to the Palestinians. Police used water cannons on them.

Break.

A local travel agent has closed up shop without warning, absconding with many of the agency's clients' money. OK, Roaming Gnome, up against the wall. Spread 'em.

Dirty Dining. Do I misremember or did we not have a Dirty Dining segment last week? Anyway, Keri Tomlinson was in the studio for this story about fancy-schmancy restaurant Hayden's Lakefront Grill failing their February health inspection with a 52 out of 100. 70 is a passing score. Hayden's, Hayden's, Hayden's, you just can't leave pork sitting out. Plus, letting an employee eat their lunch over the cutting board is just disgusting!

So, Keri did the old "ambush the restaurant's management" thing. The manager said that maybe Keri should talk to the chef. Cheffy didn't want to talk to Keri though. Mr. Manager said that the health inspector had a vendetta against the chef and was just screwing with Hayden's. He said that the chef was suing the inspector, although Keri couldn't find any evidence of any such lawsuit. The violations have been fixed, though and Hayden's got a 94 on a more recent inspection, so the whole story is pointless.

Hey, want to be a pretentious asshole? A local wine shop is offering a 3-hour class in oenology. You'll learn why sniffing the cap of a bottle of malt liquor isn't considered as "sophisticated" as sniffing the cork of some expensive vino.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

• The BTK killer was sentenced to 10 consecutive life sentences on Thursday. Wanna bet that some bleeding-heart liberal gets that reduced to only 5 consecutive life sentences? Yes, that was a joke. Members of the victims' families got to speak at the sentencing. Surprisingly, they had little good to say about the dude. Hey, he was a deacon in his church! Doesn't that count for anything?
• Guns and reptiles were found in a home in Massachusetts. 1 croc and 2 gators.
• A customer unhappy about the high price of gasoline stabbed the attendant in Lorton, Virginia. 'Cause, as we all know, the poor immigrant son of a bitch in the glass booth is the reason that gas costs almost $3 a gallon. Dude, I've been in Lorton. You should be happy to have the gas to get the hell out of there at any cost.
• "KPTV's John Monahan" told us about a minivan which crashed and burned in Boston. 6 people survived with little or no injury. OK, you might think that justifies the comment by girl passenger who said that it was a "miracle." That, however, would ignore the driver and her sister who were seriously burned. Maybe God just doesn't like them or something.
• Fort Wayne, Indiana was the scene of today's Car Drives Into House story.
• OK, so a woman is ticked about the service she was getting from Comcast. She calls to complain. Ever since then, her Comcast bill has "Bitch Dog" printed on it. She is only semi-amused by this. Comcast has fired the people responsible for the slur and released the usual PR bullshit about how "this doesn't represent the company" yadda yadda yadda.
• A Dallas family is too poor to be able to afford a funeral parlor for their dead son so they laid him out in their home. As it turns out, that isn't illegal in Texas so long as the corpse has been prepared (I'm drawing a blank on the word for when they fill you with formaldehyde and put makeup on your corpse). They're now getting offers for a free service from local funeral homes.
• Hey, speaking of corpses, a Tampa museum currently has an exhibit of human body parts. As you could predict, this is controversial.
• "Dr." Hunter S. Thompson is going to get the send-off he wanted this weekend when his cremated ashes are mixed with fireworks and shot out of several cannons. KPTV didn't mention this but the $2 million cost is being picked up by Johnny Depp, who played Thompson in a movie. I put "Dr." in quotes, by the way, because Thompson's "doctorate" was from a diploma mill. True.
• $20,000 worth of industrial equipment was stolen from the Teeny Food company. Yes, the Teeny Food company. The crooks were Caught on Camera by the company's security system. Thanks, Jamie Wilson, for bringing us this story.

Pump Patrol

• In Portland, gas ranges from $2.37 to $2.73 a gallon. The average around Oregon is $2.60.

Some dude in Washington state has converted his pickup truck to work on wood chips. In response, wood chips are now $2.60/lb.

Hollywood Buzz

• Skyler Delion [sp?] is in trouble for a double murder. KPTV, like a lot of other media outlets, incorrectly said that he was one of the Power Rangers on the old TV show. Nope, he was an extra in some of the Power Rangers episodes.
• The singer from The Village People (who, as I have said before, lip-synced when I saw them in concert) fainted in court. He's up on drug charges.
• Whatshisname Vasquez, the American Idol contestant who wisely dropped out of the show before the final judging so that he wouldn't have to be Simon Cowell's slave for life (winners have to be managed by Cowell and record for his company) has himself a record deal.

The Mountain Dew Action Sports Tour hits the Rose Garden this weekend.

Once again, Wayne Garcia showed why he is Da Man by ending exactly at zero on the Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• 2 young men and 2 young women exploring a cave in Utah died when they tried swimming though an underwater passage.
• From Yahoo News: "Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler has beaten Tony Blair in a new poll as one of the greatest leaders of all time.A firm asked 1,000 business leaders who they rated as as the most impressive leaders of men throughout history.The German fuehrer came 20th in the list while the Prime Minister could only manage 25th."
• The American Bar Association has given Supreme Court nominee John Roberts a rating of "well qualified."