Saturday, August 20, 2005

So, I guess it's official: Hilary Hutcheson has abandoned the groovy hairdo she had last Saturday night. Tonight's hair was the same old blah deal she had for months. Oh well.

Top Story. Violent Home Invasion near Gresham. Perp hits vic on head with axe. 2 men broke in, 1 escaped, 1 got caught. Tanner Dunning is the non-escapee. Vic not injured. David Frietas/Freitas On The Scene. Landlord behind attack? More to come, I'm sure.

Former 24/7 Fitness Center employee and accused sexual abuser Tyler Lupoli has been arrested again. Not a fast learner, eh, Tyler?

An out-of-control pitbull in Vancouver was shot dead by deputies.

OK, we now have the name of the guy with the shotgun running around Woodburn last night. It's Jose Rico-Ramirez, not Crazy McShotgun as I was hoping for.

4 Hispanic men are sought in connection with the shooting of a white guy around 1 AM Friday morning in Gresham.

Part-time scarenalist Robin Burke was in McMinnville for this story about the Life Care Center, a nursing home which got a terrible rating by the state. Apparently they don't put a lot of stock in that whole "give the right meds to the right patients" thing. Members of the recently-fired staff nicknamed the place "Life Scare." The Center isn't allowed to take in any new residents until the problems are fixed.

A guy who attempted a rape is on the loose in Gresham. They found the car he was driving, but no him (deliberately bad syntax). What the hell is going on in Gresham?

An apartment fire in Fairview has left 1 family temporarily homeless.

That wacky bunch of neo-Nazis I mentioned last night held their little Whitestock in Cascade Locks on Saturday. Locals aren't happy with them nor the fact that they lied about the purpose of their little clambake on the application (they said they were going to raise money for Africans. That's a knee-slapper, huh?) Plenty of cops made sure nothing terrible happened.

"KPTV's Mark Lyzewski" brought us tonight's tale of Washington State Troopers riding along with truckers as part of their safety patrols along Washington's slice of I-5. Smokey's got 18 wheels under his blue ass.

Northwest Tonight

A guy who got the gun from his state cop roommate shot and killed a convenience store worker in Kenmore, Washington. The weird part is he didn't seem to be trying to rob the joint. You can thank "KPTV's Nicole Sanchez" for this story.

Break.

Meth Watch

• According to the Bush administration, their announcement of a new initiative to fight meth abuse just happened to coincide with a big bust of a drug ring that stretched from Los Angeles to the Dominican Republic; there was no political agenda in the timing of the announcement at all. And if you believe that, I have a lovely mansion on Pennsylvania Avenue to sell you. "Operation Three-Hour Tour" (yes, really) includes funding for treatment for meth addicts. Since when do we in America actually treat people with addictions rather than just throwing them into stir? What is this, France??

America Tonight

• Northwest Airlines flew planes on Saturday despite a strike by their maintainance mechanics. Oh, that can't possibly result in any problems, can it? The striking employees are ticked that the stewardesses ("flight attendants" my ass) refused to honor the strike. Think any of the stuff they need to do their jobs might just not work mysteriously when the strike is over?
• There was a "security breach" at the Albuquerque airport when some unknown woman entered the supposedly secure area through an exit door. Everyone had to go back and go through security again and the woman wasn't located.
• Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has suffered a "mini-stroke." You'd never know it to look at him, but he's a generally healthy dude who's run in several marathons; it is said that he's doing well and will be back to work when the Senate reconvenes in the Fall. Harry Reid Fun Fact: As a Mormon, he neither smokes nor drinks alcohol.
• Latoyia Figueroa, a pregnant woman from the Philadelphia area who has been missing for weeks and who did not get a fraction of the press that Natalee Holloway has, has been found dead in Bristol, Pennsylvania, 13 miles from Philly. Police have arrested the father of the baby she was carrying. Figueroa, a black woman, was mentioned once or twice prior to tonight on the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show. Holloway, like Brooke Wilberger, however, has been reported on many times. Yes, Brooke's disappearance is a local story, but can you give me a reason, other than unconscious racism, why Holloway's disappearance has gotten so much more coverage (over 500 (!) stories on Fox News Channel alone) in the American press than Figueroa's?
• Workers were burned because of an accidental blast in Massachusetts.
• A car thief was arrested after a high-speed chase (is there any other kind?) in Los Angeles, the High Speed Chase Capital of America.

World Tonight

• Tornados near Toronto, Canada!
• Pope Benedict conducted a three-hour blessing of the unwashed masses in Cologne, Germany.

Break.

A boat show in Portland over the weekend featured 3 boats constructed by some youthful offenders. They were ordered by the court to build the boats, then sell them and donate the money to a charity of their choosing. I guess this comes under the heading of "feel good story" as Hilary Hutcheson, weekend anchorwoman, had that warm and fuzzy look on her face when the tape ended. We weren't told what the little scamps had done to cross the law in the first place. "I hate you, you little bastard, you shot my Mom. Oh, you built a boat and donated the money to the ASPCA? Oh, in that case, I forgive you. Uh huh.

Break.

David Wilson was knocking around downtown Portland to tell us about a company called Meteor which dispatches guys on small gas-powered scooters to drive drunks home at their request. They come to where you are, stick their scooter in your trunk and drive you home in your own car. They only charge $10 for this service, which seems more than reasonable to me. One woman we saw on tape said she has used the Meteor service 4 or 5 times in the past. I smell a future friend of Bill W's.

A big tree in Sellwood fell. No injuries. The real question here, of course is Did It Make A Sound?

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

The Transportation Security Administration has come up with a new way to annoy air passengers: an "improved" X-ray system utilizing "backscatter" which can see a lot more stuff under your clothing than the current models. Got a teeny weenie? Now the screener at the airport will know. Labia piercing? Ignore the giggles and just get on the damn plane. The ACLU would like them to reduce the detail detection on the stupid things before employing them nationally. "KPTV's Ginny Something Or Other" brought us this story.

Pump Patrol. Gas around Portland is averaging $2.55, in Medford, it's $2.73, Eugene is paying $2.63.

The ever-higher price of gas is starting to cause people to have to cut back on other purchases. We heard from one Long Island, New York woman who has to drive to work and is having to use her local charity food bank to get by. Wal-Mart is starting to report reduced sales caused by people who can't afford to drive to their stores. Some "experts" think that gas prices may come down after the summer travel season ends. Hmm, isn't that interesting? Why, it's almost as if the oil companies are gouging us artificially. "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg" gave us this piece.

More about high gas prices. The Fairfax County school district is feeling the pinch (Fairfax County is a suburb of Washington, D.C.) To try to recoup the higher price of gas, the district is going to increase the price of school lunches by 20 cents. Also, the cost of operating school buses is increasing.

Hey, looking for a really boring form of entertainment? How about "positive hip-hop?" Some well-intentioned local Christians have put together rap groups that perform songs with no violence, obscenity or slurs on women. OK, even if you're a Christian, be honest with me for a moment. You KNOW that's gonna suck BIG TIME! Sticking religion into any form of entertainment increases the Suck Quotient exponentially. That's just a fact of life. As a middle-aged white guy, I'm hardly the target demo for rap, I admit, but I'd rather stand in front of the stage at a gangsta rap concert and be berated for 3 hours than listen to 5 minutes of Christian rap. Anyway, David Frietas/Freitas was near the KPTV "news" van to bring us this inspirational story.

Hollywood Buzz

Is Kirsten Dunst pregnant? Does anyone give a shit? Is "Kirsten Dunst" just plain fun to say several times in a row? Who knows? No. Yes.

The Rolling Stones are kicking off their new tour on Sunday night in Fenway Park, Boston. Local wet blankets who would probably prefer "positive hip hop" are whining that the sound level may be too high in the surrounding neighborhood. The Stones have promised to keep the sound below 70 decibels. What's going to happen if they don't? You gonna arrest Mick Jagger? Oh, by the way, we were told that their really big stage weighs "170,000 tons." Oh, really? I'm willing to bet that that's off by at least a factor of 10. "KPTV's Susan Something Or Other" (couldn't catch the last name) brought us this exciting inaccurate "fact."

Hey, speaking of well-intentioned entertainment options, some bunch of do-gooders are constructing a "safe playground" in North Portland. Jesus, what a bunch of pussies we've all become. When I was a kid growing up in New York City, a typical afternoon of fun was running blindfolded and barefoot on broken glass while carrying a pair of scissors. Good times. Today, we swaddle our kids in bubble wrap and shackle them in the minivan to go to McDonalds. This "safe playground" which will suck at least as much as Christian hip hop, is scheduled to open on September 16th. In the off chance that you actually think this is a worthwhile project, go to KPTV.com for time-lapse footage of the construction. Whoo!

OK, NOW we're talking! Beaverton sponsored Big Truck Day. Kids got to do something they actually LIKE to do: climb all over unsafe construction equipment. I hope they all got a blasting cap to take home as a souvenir. KPTV loaned one of their "news" vans to the soiree. "Look, Jimmy, it's the van that belongs to the 'news' show that subverts American democracy."

Credit where credit is due. Hilary's hair may be back to its pre-glamorous state, but she ended the Final Cut exactly in sync with the Inscrutable Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• If you're a member of the increasingly shrinking group of Americans who still support the war in Iraq, you'll be happy to know that Gen. Peter Schoomaker says the Army is planning for the possibility of having to keep the troop level there at its present level for at least 4 more years.
• "Some of the Palestinian suicide bombers wrap their penises into fire-proof aluminum foil to save them for the pleasures to come." Read it for yourself: http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=19110
• Pest control workers have been recruited by the police to watch for unusual activities in customers' homes in Florida. Feel safer yet?
• http://www.local6.com/news/4831973/detail.html