Sunday, October 9, 2005

Just stopping in for a quick moment.

Ah, I love to have a good laugh at KPTV's expense! It just makes my night. Tonight's mirth-maker was the story about the subway "terror plot." Kevin Coari intro'd the story, saying it was by "KPTV's Julie Banderas." The tape started. Julie Banderas was nowhere in sight. Another female reporter named Gomez was the talking head for this one. Even though she said her name, the KPTV-supplied Chyron said "Julie Banderas." Coming out of the tape, Kev said "That was Julie Banderas reporting." Gee, they don't even watch their own show!

What made this particularly amusing to me was that I've met Ms. Banderas. As I've mentioned elsewhere on this blog, I was in my home town of New York City back in June 2003. I managed to get myself on two of New York's TV news shows by pretending to be a minister who runs a church for smokers. Julie Banderas (her real last name is Bidwell; she apparently thought it would be better for her career to be "Hispanic") was the reporter for WNYW, Channel 5, the New York Fox affiliate, who interviewed me in front of City Hall and outside a bar when I attempted to convert a few patrons. Funny stuff.

I got lucky because one of the anchors at WNYW is Linda Schmidt, with whom I worked in the 80's when I was a Top 40 morning drive DJ and she was my news girl. Fortunately for me, she happened to be off the night my "church for smokers" story ran; she would have recognized me even though I haven't seen her since her wedding years ago, I suspect.

Julie Banderas/Bidwell got fired from WNYW when she was caught "simulating sex," as one of New York's tabloids put it, with her cameraman in the Channel 5 van. She was quickly hired by Fox News Channel, which gives you an idea of their jounalistic standards.

Oh heck, since I'm here, why don't I give you a few links you can follow to read about stuff you aren't going to get from KPTV?

The shit's about to hit the fan for the mayor of Spokane. Click here

The shit's about to hit the fan for the Republican Party of Ohio. Click here

Hey, remember that story about the guy who runs the porn site which has published pictures of American soldiers torturing Iraqis? Remember how I told you about it over a week ago although KPTV only got around to it tonight? Well, they still managed to screw up the story. The guy did not get arrested for the torture pictures. He got arrested for the porn (odd, since, so far as I know, it isn't illegal to put porn pictures on the Internet). Click here

Oh, according to Newsweek, the Bush administration wanted to blow up Syria, but cooler heads (*cough* Condoleezza Rice *cough*) prevailed. Feel safer yet? Click here

Hussein may be executed before all his trials finish. Well, that's one way to keep him quiet. Click here

Friday, October 7, 2005

Oh, it’s SO amusing when the weekend tech crew is on at KPTV!  You might think that a major market TV station would take enough pride in its product to make sure that the people running their “news” show were competent.  Yeah, you’d think that, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  If you like technical flubs, make sure to set the TiVO for Channel 12 from Friday to Sunday nights.  More below.

Top Story.  David Wilson was at the main post office in Portland to pose in front of some mailboxes for this story.  The cops have nabbed Joe Johansen, who they say was involved in the theft of those mailbox keys recently.  The landlady at his home at 92nd and Glisan says she saw him coming and going at odd hours, like 3 AM.  An anonymous tip led the cops to Johansen and they say they found 2 of the keys, along with some mail and other things, at his place.  The feds would like to have a talk with Mr. Johansen, too.  The police won’t say if there are any other suspects.

Fox 12’s Most Wanted

• The Marion County law enforcement people would like to find 2 men, both registered sex offenders, who haven’t bothered to check in with their parole officers lately.  

• The Maez’s, the parents of the girl who says she was locked inside a small trailer with a bucket for a toilet when she was bad, are still on the run.  They may be in Arizona or Texas, where behavior like that is called “good Christian parenting.”

An Iraqi war vet, accused of child rape and other icky crimes, has entered a plea of “Not Guilty” in Kelso.

A 34-year-old Sheridan man is accused of sexual assault.  They must really not like this guy, as his bail is $1 million.

Let the panic begin!  Some “death threats” were found in the bathrooms at Amity High School.  They had a football game there tonight and plenty of security was on hand, said Jamie Wilson.  The school now has a metal detector inside the main entrance and no backpacks will be allowed on Monday since the graffiti said that people, including the principal will be killed then.  Some students say they won’t be attending school on Monday.  

A former Jesuit High student is alleging sexual abuse by a priest who has been transferred out of the area.  He’s asking for $4 million in compensation.  I’ve known a Jesuit priest or two; they have a reputation for being very bright and somewhat eccentric.  Sex with a kid, though, is way outside the lines, assuming it occurred, that is.

A suspect has been arrested in the murder of a boy in Salem back on September 23rd.

Remember that murder allegedly committed by the “street family” about 2 years ago in Portland?  Well, the system has dealt with all the suspects except for Jimmy Stewart.  No, not the one who had the invisible rabbit friend and had an out-of-body experience where he found out how important he was to his friends and family.  That guy’s dead.  This is another Jimmy Stewart.  Anyway, he’s the “last man standing,” so to speak, in this crime.  He hasn’t entered a plea yet in the murder, which involved burning the victim underneath a bridge.

OK, that deal the other day where the guy rang the bell of a house, looking for help after he had been shot and the guy who lived in the house shot him too?  Charges have been dropped against the homeowner.  So everything is OK now.  Well, no, but the cops are done with the whole deal.

Some scumbags are calling people in Longview, pretending to be fundraisers for St. John Hospital, seeking donations for breast cancer research.  St. John says they never raise money that way.  My sister just had a mastectomy for breast cancer so this is particularly unamusing to me.  David Freitas/Frietas had a cell phone (again!) as his prop for this story.  Time for something new, Davey!

Break.

4 young men were arrested in the theft of equipment from a high school in Keizer back in May.

A pit bull killed a neighbor’s cat in North Portland.  I’m sure the owner said, “He isn’t a violent dog.  He’s never attacked anyone before.”  Pit bull owners are always saying that.  You never hear that from Pomeranian owners, do you?

56-year-old “Larry” Melzer of Portland is missing.  Why “Larry” was in quotes, I do not know.  They didn’t say he was from “Portland,” did they?  He usually wears a “cap,” although they didn’t put that in quotes.  I did.

Northwest Tonight

• Eugene was the scene of the murder of a 50-year-old auto mechanic at his shop Friday morning.  People who knew him say they can’t imagine who would want to kill him or why, but of course no one ever goes on camera and says, “Yeah, I always knew Bill would get whacked some day.  He was a real prick.”   The cops have no suspects and will only say that it was a violent crime scene.

• A registered sex offender was walking around Medford in a loin cloth he made from stuff he stole from a woman’s yard.  You gotta admire a guy who will take a fashion risk.

• “KPTV’s Keli McAllister,” who still looks very Asian, brought us the lurid story of some cops from Lynwood, Washington who busted a massage parlor for prostitution.  So far, so good, right?  Well, the fun part comes in when you hear that the cops, on at least 3 separate occasions, went into the place and paid to be masturbated.  The police department spokeswoman was highly amusing when she tried to claim that it wasn’t really masturbation because it didn’t result in ejaculation.  First off, that’s nonsense.  Second, how do we know they didn’t ejaculate?  I think the 2 women arrested in the case have just been handed their defense: entrapment by money shot.

• The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, who most assuredly isn’t gay (just ask him), even though he spent much time in online gay chat rooms and had a habit of hiring hunky young men for city jobs, is still fighting the recall vote set for November.  No, he’s not being recalled because he’s gay—that was just the icing on the cake.

• People in Cascade, Idaho are concerned that the local dam might break after a series of hundreds of small earthquakes recently.  “Experts” say that the dam is perfectly safe.  Yup, and the Titanic was unsinkable.

The conflagration at the fake Fort Clapsop was “probably not arson” say the investigators.  By the way, if you go there, do they have a fake Sacagawea you can meet?  I don’t want to go unless there’s a fake Indian maiden to pose for pictures with.

Gresham has pink flamingos somewhere or other on public display to commemorate National Domestic Violence Month.  $5 says some of them get stolen over the weekend.

Break.

A shotgun and 8 pounds of pot, worth $25,000 were seized in a Big! Drug! Bust! in Washington County.

There was also a HUGE! Pot! Bust! in Yamhill County.  I forget all the details; I’m still reeling from the information that 8 pounds of pot is worth 25 large.

A man who has been stopped 7 times for DUII was in the Multnomah County Courthouse.  Go ahead, guess the charge.  Yup, DUII.  Well, he’s consistent.

4 soldiers in a Hummer heading south on I-5 were injured in a crash.

I told you last night about I-5 being shut down in the Vancouver area all weekend.  Nothing’s changed.  You’re still fucked if you plan on going anywhere in a hurry.  And by “in a hurry,” I mean if you expect to get there in your lifetime.  It’ll reopen about 5 AM Monday morning.

Break.

Flu Season

• You can get a flu shot this weekend at any Wild Oats Grocery store.  I’ve never been in a Wild Oats.  Would I be correct in assuming that it’s the kind of hippie place where the clerks all have a glassy look in their eye and wear tie-dye aprons?

The Tualatin Valley Fire Department tested a new kitchen fire device on Friday.  It’s a little can that hangs above your stove.  If I understood how it works, when flame hits it, it releases a fire-suppressant powder (I’m guessing Halon ‘cause I’m smart like that) which smothers the flames.

A python was found in a ditch near the parking lot of the Salem Toys ‘R’ Us.  No one knows how it got there or where it came from.  I was in that store a few weeks ago; it was the first time I’ve been in a Toys ‘R’ Us in ages.  Man, do they suck now!  They used to have, like, every toy in the world.  Not so much anymore.

To advertise the Salmon Festival, a 14-foot-long fiberglass salmon is being driven around downtown Portland.  I think I just found my next job.  Either that or driving the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.  Yeah, you think I’m joking.  Ha.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

Ooh, funny!  The incompetent weekend KPTV “news” crew strikes again!  As the Final Cut started, Hilary Hutcheson’s face was blocked by a Chyron--for a story that never ran by the way.  It just stuck there, as Hilary gamely kept going.  Hi-larious!

• There was a “massacre” at a strip mall in Philadelphia.  It ended with the death of innocent people and the shooter, who killed himself.  Sad.

• A standoff in Tampa ended with the hostage dead, shot accidentally by the cops.

• A maid who worked for a Florida sheriff was Caught On Camera stealing medicines from his house.  The sheriff suspected she was taking stuff so he installed hidden cameras and caught her.

• Love Dem Animal Stories!  In Northern California, a deer has gone nuts, rampaging around the town.  It seems to have no fear of humans.  It dines on the flesh of young virgins and worships the Dark Lord in a pentagram it drew in the forest dirt with its paw.

• In Florida, where, by law, most ridiculous and/or unlikely stores must originate, a woman was feeding some fish when a gator bit her hand.  

• A construction worker in Georgia was in big trouble when a tree fell on him.  His fellow workers had to cut up the tree with a chainsaw to free him.

• There was a big apartment fire in Lawrence, Kansas.  Some of the residents of the building are missing.

• There was a very big fire in an auto shop in very upscale Marina Del Rey, Los Angeles.  Big ol’ flames and everything.  Oh, by the way, KPTV misspelled “Rey.”  It’s a Spanish word, you nitwits!

World Tonight

• A landslide in Northern India buried a bus with passengers.  Rescuers had to dig them out of the mud.  Some didn’t make it.

• A massive flood caused by Hurricane Otis Campbell or whatever it’s called, is responsible for over 200 deaths.

• In India, more than 180 kids were rescued from an embroidery factory where they worked for pennies per hour.  The youngest was 8 years old.  Welcome to America 2010.

• There were anti-American protests in Tehran, Iran on Friday.  Iranians aren’t crazy about the U.S. telling them to stop their nuclear program.

War On Terror

Oh, it looked as if there was a problem with the Tele-Promp-Ter, as by this point, Wayne and Hilary were both holding scripts in their hands.  

• The Washington Monument in D.C. was closed down because of “threats.”  

True story:  When I worked outside the White House in the late 90’s, a Texan, about 60, pointed to the monument and asked me, “What’s that pointy thing there?”  

I laughed, thinking he had to be kidding.  

He said, “I’m serious.”  

I said, “Uh, it’s the Washington Monument!”

He said, “We don’t have that in Texas” to which I responded, “No sir, but you do have pictures of it!”

• President Bush says he’s good with the reaction New York City had to the alleged terror threat against the subway.  Some were critical of the city notifying the public about the threat.  Parts of midtown’s Penn Station were closed down because of a “suspicious soda bottle.”  Turns out it was a prank.

• Beaverton has released a booklet to inform the public how to make an emergency kit.  One tip is, if you can’t buy everything they suggest you have in the kit at once, buy a few items each month until your kit is complete.  Keri Tomlinson then showed us some video of young people who, as a group, didn’t know if their parents have a “preparedness kit” or not.

A professor has invented the one thing society needed to be complete: carbonated yogurt.

Wait!  There was one other thing society was in absolute need of: machines that vend pizza.  Now that we have that, no one will ever live in poverty or die in hunger.  Children will never again suffer with rickets and old men will be able to get erections at will.  This is a great day, my friends.  Let the dancing in the streets begin!

Hollywood Buzz

• Boy George, for some reason, thought it would be amusing to make a prank call to 911 in New York City.  Upon arrival at his home, the police found drugs.  Oh, they’re going to LOVE him in The Tombs (a 19th Century prison still in use in New York).  Click here

• A woman who accused Wesley Snipes of being the father of her child, has been found to be full of shit.  A DNA test found that another man was the real father.  Snipes says he has never met the woman.

• Li’l Kim who has just started a jail sentence for perjury, is having a feud with Fifty Cent (which Hilary Hutcheson pronounced as “Fitty” as Mr. Cent prefers).  Two rappers having a feud?  Has this ever happened before in the history of hip-hop?

• Bill Cosby, or Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr. as the comedian/moralizer/adulterer prefers, is on a 15-city speaking tour against violence in the black community.  

A Portland woman wants to go to the next American Idol auditions.  Unfortunately, she can’t afford a ticket, so she went to the Portland Greyhound bus station and sang for donations.  So, because she wants to be on American Idol, which KPTV will use any excuse to do a story about, she gets airtime for begging?  Fascinating.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

President Bush’s approval rating is at an all-time low.  Click here

Judith Miller, the New York Times reporter who went to jail allegedly to protect her source in the case of the outing of a CIA agent, has miraculously “found” notes from a previously undisclosed meeting with White House officials.  Click here

If you get all or most of your news from KPTV, you know nothing about the fact that a spy for the Philippines was discovered to have worked in Vice-president Dick Cheney’s office for about 3 years.  The FBI has examined Cheney’s office computers in connection with the case.  Click here

Correction: Yesterday’s report started off with “Yippie-ya-A!”  That should have read “Yippie-kay-A!”  KPTV Watch regrets the error.

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Yippie-ya-A!

Top Story.  Attacked with a sledgehammer!  Yow.  David Wilson went to Aloha for this one.  A 15-year-old girl went into a Subway sandwich shop back on September 9 to ask the workers there to call 911 for her.  She said her Dad had beaten and abandoned her.  The girl, her parents and 2 siblings apparently lived in a small travel trailer.  When the girl was “bad,” the parents would lock her up in a smaller trailer with a bucket for a toilet.  The ‘rents, Michael and Terry Maez, are now missing.  Nice folks.  Thanksgiving at their place must be a blast.  “Pass the turkey roll, please.”

They’re still looking for the minivan involved in the attempted kidnapping from Monday.  

OK, what the hell did I mean by these notes?  “Sex Abuse—16 M.O. Woman—B & G Club.”  I know that “M.O.” means “months old,” but what the hell does “B & G Club” mean?  Jeez, I’m getting old.

A 63-year-old secretary for St. John Lutheran Church was beaten.  She answered the door when a guy knocked, asking to fill his water bottle.  She asked him to put the bottle down and back away from the door, so she could take it.  When she opened the door, he pushed her inside and beat her.  The crime went down at about 8 AM Thursday.  David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene.

4 Kelso teen boys were arrested for stealing a car.  No one’s quite sure why they ‘fessed up.  Was a rubber hose involved?  Just asking.

Hey, remember that guy who got his truck and dog stolen while he was at the 24 Hour Fitness Center the other day?  He got ‘em back.  Someone spotted the truck and thought it looked “suspicious,” whatever that means in the case of a parked truck.  Anyway, the whole thing has a happy ending, I guess.

Hilary Hutcheson showed off New ‘Do Number 1127 for this story about a “hate crime” (as opposed to a “love crime”) in Kelso.  Someone threw a large rock through the window of the home of what appeared to be a mixed-race couple.  They also spray-painted “Nigger” on the door of the home.  Not exactly the Welcome Wagon, huh?  So now the family is in a shelter while they ponder if they can get the hell out of Unfriendlyville.

Next we saw pictures of what a man whose body was found in Skamania, Washington looked like when he was…well, not dead.  The coroners think he may be a guy who was killed in 2003.  

Meth Watch

• Jacqueline Garvin, an Oregon Department of Human Services employee, was arrested for having meth and drug-related stuff in her home.  Hey, Jackie, here’s your defense: “I was just trying to better understand some of my clients.”  It may not work, but hey, what do you have to lose?

Pot plants were seized on land owned by Weyerhauser, the big lumber company.  The tipoff was the sign by the road that said, “Harvested and smoked in 1968.  Replanted in 1969.”  You’ll get that joke if you’ve ever driven in Southwestern Washington.

Break.

Mail has been stolen in recent days in 2 Portland neighborhoods.  There are no suspects.  Um, how about that guy who had the keys to the mailboxes?  You might want to talk to him for starters.

Miguel Robleto, who the police say supplied hundreds of illegal immigrants with fake ID’s, has been charged with crimes related to that alleged activity.  “Sir, your name is Brad Pitt?”  “Si.”

Remember Damon Coates, the local cop who got shot a few years back?  Remember how his family said his “recovery” was a miracle and how the city of Portland said they totally supported him?  Well, not so much.  First off, the poor bastard looks like shit.  I’m not trying to make fun of him; what he went through is horrific.  It’s just that that “miracle” stuff seems, at best, like a wild overstatement.  Second, he’s suing the county for allegedly violating his civil rights.  According to Coates, it’s the only way he can get the money he needs to live on.  So, that “support” they gave him seems to have been…um, what’s the word I want here?  Oh right, BULLSHIT!  The basis of the civil rights violation claim is that he says he wasn’t told of the dangerous nature of the situation he was going to when he was shot.  Sounds kind of weak to me, but I hope he wins so he can have a little dignity for the rest of his life.

Oh, that arson at the fake Fort Clapsop?  Wellll…turns out they don’t think there was any arson involved after all.  

Fire Season 2005

• Firefighters in SoCal are gaining ground against the fire east of L.A.  It is now 25% contained.

• Fire season ends tomorrow locally.  Only 256 more shopping days ‘til Fire Season 2006.

Live in Vancouver?  Expect to drive anywhere this weekend?  You’re fucked.  Part of I-5 will be closed in your neck of the woods from 10 PM Friday until 5 AM Monday.  Happy gridlock on surface streets!  They’re widening the road, in case you were wondering.

Northwest Tonight

• The driver involved in the chase in Bellevue, Washington earlier this week was in a similar chase last year.  Since he had no previous record at that time, he only got a short jail stretch.  They won’t be making that mistake with this loser again, I’ll warrant.  Thanks, “KPTV’s Derek Wing” for the update.

• A man who sat on a highway sign holding a banner has done this before.  KPTV didn’t know what the banner said.  God forbid they pick up a fucking phone and call the cops in Tacoma to find out!

Dirty Dining

• Keri Tomlinson gave us a lesson in hand washing from her perch in News Control.  Apparently, the nice folks at King Burrito didn’t realize you are supposed to wash your hands in the bathroom AND again at your work station before you handle food.  Of course, it would help if the sink at the work station actually worked.  Then we got to see a public employee giving a poorly-attended lecture about post-evacuation sanitation.  At times like this, when people have to be taught about germs and the fact that they’re a bad thing to introduce into someone’s food, I question whether I truly do live in a First World country.

Break.

War On Terror

• My hometown, New York City, has received what they’re calling “credible threats” about people planting 19 suitcase bombs in the subway system.  As a result, security in the subway is being increased.  People are urged to go about their lives, but keep on the lookout for anything suspicious.  As someone who has ridden the subway hundreds of times, I can tell you that if everything suspicious was removed from the subway, it would be an underground ghost town.  Serious question: is there something in the Koran about the number 19?  It just seems like an interesting number of bombs; plus, weren’t there 19 terrorists involved in the WTC bombing?  Does 19 have some significance in Islam?

• Because it’s no fun if someone else’s mass transit system gets all the terror-related attention, Tri-Met has announced that it, too, will be stepping up security.  Yeah, ‘cause the terrorists hate us for our OMSI.

• There was a memorial service held Thursday for an Oregon National Guard soldier killed in Iraq.  The poor bastard probably only signed up for the school benefits.

Break.

The Lovejoy columns, painted pillars which held up a highway ramp, were moved when the ramp was demolished.  They’ve been in storage, but they’re going to be moved again.  Where?  Dunno.  Sorry.  Sue me.

Flu Season

• Because the Avian Flu is only a potential pandemic which scientists say might kill millions of humans and not a monkey smoking cigarettes, KPTV took their sweet time reporting on it.  2 new scientific papers compare it to the 1918 Spanish Flu which they think may also have come from birds.  The Avian Flu, which kills 50% of the people who contract it, has already killed 60 in Asia.  Oh, by the way, there is no cure for it.  Funny, there’s never a story about a smoking monkey to change the mood when you need one.

• So, how’s that Dog Flu thing going?  Well, it ain’t no Avian Flu, that’s for sure.  It’s spread by air from dog to dog and can’t hurt humans.  

Scientists—you know, those people the Bush administration isn’t so crazy about—have developed a vaccine for cervical cancer that they say all teen girls should get.  It has been 100% effective in studies, although it isn’t approved for general use yet.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

• The body found in a Pennsylvania landfill is believed to be that of the mother of the 4 year-old girl found wandering in Queens, New York City a while back.  Poor kid.

• The body of a missing Virginia freshman girl was found east of Richmond.  I gotta say, having been there, I think, given the choice of being found alive in Richmond or dead elsewhere, I might have to go with the latter.  

• A couple of window washers had a harrowing time when their rig ended up dangling 40 stories above the street on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.  Given the rents there, that is probably the closest a blue-collar worker will come to having an apartment in that neighborhood.  Anyway, they’re OK.

• Lightning killed people at a football game in Florida.  Good Christian that I am, I am allowed to speak for God and He’s told me that this is his way of saying to Florida, “Stop being so humid.  And what’s with all the old people?  Oh, also, stop rigging elections!”

• A big boulder rolled down a Colorado hill and into the home of a woman, who had just gone over to visit her neighbor.  It’s a miracle, I tell you!  That whole Salk vaccine for polio is CRAP next to this!  Something potentially bad didn’t happen to someone?  Call the Vatican.

• 2 6-year-old Rhode Island boys fought over a candy ring pop and the mother of one of them called the police.  Over-reaction?  Nah.  The kid could have had a candy Glock.

• Wait!  Is this actual NEWS I see?  Be still my heart.  Seems that obese Presidential problem-fixer and congenital liar (allegedly) Karl Rove may be indicted soon in the outing of a CIA agent.  Rove “voluntarily” testified (for the fourth time) to a grand jury about his possible involvement in the case.  This ain’t good news for Turd Blossom (Bush’s nickname for him) either: the prosecutor says he can’t guarantee that Karl won’t be prosecuted.

World Tonight

• There were 2 explosions at an anti-Bush protest in Argentina.  Wow, he’s every bit the “uniter, not divider” there that he is here.  You know, if I was President Bush, I might try to get back the money I paid for those pre-election slogans.

• In Mexico, Hurricane Stan has caused massive flooding and killed 162 people so far.  

Katrina’s Devastation

• Former Tech TV ethnic eye candy, “KPTV’s Sumi Das,” was in New Orleans, hanging out with people who were returning to their homes there for the first time since Katrina.  It wasn’t pretty.  Just for starters, mold is everywhere, including N.O.’s two hospitals, which will almost certainly have to be demolished.

• One of the 2 Dr. Dre’s (All “doctors” named Dre look alike to me), has donated $1 million to the hurricane relief effort.  After the 9/11 disaster, he made a similar donation to the families hurt by it.  Jeez, he’s as big a publicity-seeker as that Mother Teresa broad!

Pump Patrol

• This was pretty weak, as if KPTV felt the need to come up with something they could call Pump Patrol.  Higher gasoline prices have created more gas siphoning!  Yup, that was about it.

Jamie Wilson was in News Control, but not live, to tell us that Oregon Attorney General Hardy Myers is encouraging computer security protection for individuals and businesses.  Well, that’s certainly a lot more reasonable and rational than I expected when I saw KPTV’s promo for the story which said something about Oregon lawmakers wanting to “clean up cyberspace.”  ‘Cause some schmuck in Salem is going to be able to do that.

A new virus for the Playstation Personal pretends to be a program that allows you to run “custom games” on your PSP.  It doesn’t.  It actually removes programs from it, making it impossible to play Super Mario’s House of Ill Repute while you ride the MAX train to work.

Stop the presses!  This story is clearly the kind of thing that won KPTV “Best Newscast On A Channel With A Number Below 13 In Portland Which Airs Between 10 And 11 PM” or whatever that prize was.  A new electronic beer coaster actually weighs your glass and knows when it is empty so it can signal the bartender to fill it up.  Fuck the Wright Brothers and Philo T. Farnsworth (inventor of television); THIS is the kind of thing that demonstrates the immutable power of the human imagination.  Sure, it will cause people to file lawsuits on the ground of being “overserved” by the bars which use it, but hey, you can’t get an egg drunk without making an omelet.  Or something like that.

Hollywood Buzz

• The California house used in exterior shots of “stately Wayne Manor” on the old Batman TV show burned down.  Wait, this means that they’ll see the Batpoles that lead down to the Batcave where the Batmobile is parked!  Batfuck!

• The book “Memoirs of a Geisha” has been made into a movie.  It will be released on December 9th.  It will be pulled from theaters and released on DVD on December 12th.

Happy National Domestic Violence Month!  Kimberly Maus spoke to a group of people celebrating (?) the observance of the holiday (?) in Hillsboro (!).

Finally, an award for supporting the arts was given to the CEO of Meredith Broadcasting in New York City.  Never let it be said that KPTV missed an opportunity to plant a big, sloppy blowjob on their boss.  The CEO guy made some statement about Meredith believing that it should be part of the community or some other platitude like that.  Hey, you Yuppie bastard, how about putting on a NEWS show that doesn’t spend more air time on smoking monkeys than it does on things that can potentially affect everyone in its audience?  That would be some real service to the friggin’ community.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

The Senate, by a vote of 90-9, approved a bill that would prevent soldiers from using torture techniques on prisoners.  Hey, Meredith CEO Guy, do you think putting this story on your show would have been a good thing?  Click here

Well, it kinda looks like Tom DeLay and his successor swapped illegal campaign contributions.  Click here

Hardcore conservatives aren’t all that crazy about Harriet Miers, Bush’s nominee for the Supreme Court.  And they’re letting him know.  Click here

Remember how the story about the guy who blew himself up outside an Oklahoma football game sounded a little odd, as if it was missing a critical piece or two?  Looks like it.  Click here

More about Karl Rove and his potential impending indictment.  Click here

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Let’s roll!

Top Story.  Debra Gil was really, really, really On The Scene in Tigard where a 16-year-old girl was grabbed by a Hispanic guy who had approached her, asking for directions.  He tried to push her into a minivan, which sounds a whole lot like the M.O. in 2 other attempted kidnappings in the area lately.  The girl ran to the nearby Transit Center for help.  The cops caught Hugo Alvarado; the cops, of course, suspect he’s involved in the other 2 as well.   All this happened about 3 PM.  We shall see.

There was a sexual assault in Beaverton Monday night.  Sheesh, since KPTV is right there in Beaverton, can’t they get local crimes on the air quicker? Anyhoo, there’s some suspicion that the miscreant was on drugs.

Jamie Wilson was at the KPTV “news” van to tell us that a man was stabbed about 8 AM Tuesday in Vancouver.  31-year-old Ozzie Curtis is your victim.  He’s on crutches and was walking near a ball field when 3 men, described as Asian, jumped him and beat him with a tree branch.  They got $40 from his wallet and left him for dead with stab wounds from the knife one of them had.  Some girls walking by called 911 and probably saved his life.

Fox 12’s Most Wanted

• 3 men, either African-American or Indian, robbed a bank in Vancouver at about 10:30 AM.  Stick it to The Man, my (possibly) Ebony brothers!

• A teen boy was stabbed at a Southeast Portland high school.  Go Fighting Stabbers!

David Wilson paid a visit to Tigard.  Somebody put a “skimmer” on an ATM at a bank at 71st and 99W.  It fits over the installed slot-thingie you put your card into, so that the crook can collect your card’s info.  There’s also a hidden camera nearby to see your PIN.  A former bank employee noticed the set-up, pulled it off the ATM and drove off with it. Trouble is, he didn’t go too far before someone, presumably the person who installed the thing, grabbed it from him.  Oopsie.

That former teacher from Stayton who was accused of molesting students got 90 days in jail where he will learn what it’s like to be on the other side of that sort of “fun.”  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Actually, there is, if by “that” we mean anal rape.

Hilary Hutcheson with her new/old hairdo was in Beaverton to inform us about the school bus driver who was disciplined for pushing a 10-year-old girl onto her seat.  The girl’s father is going to sue.  To me, he looked like the kind of guy who would agree with Rush Limbaugh that a woman suing McDonalds for being served scalding hot coffee, which caused third-degree burns to her groin area, was a “frivolous lawsuit.”  There’s always the possibility, of course, that I’m reading a wee bit too much into the 10 seconds of video I saw of the guy.  KPTV wouldn’t give the bus driver’s name since he hasn’t been charged with anything yet.  Awww, how sensitive!

Break.

The defendant in the murder trial of his sister back in 2002 cried on the witness stand on Wednesday.  It’s taken this long to get him into a courtroom because he had to be evaluated for being a friggin’ nut.  That’s not exactly how they said it, of course, but it’s funnier that way.  The cops say he admitted the crime, which raises the question of why a trial is necessary.

A local man is accused of robbing more than 3 ounces of pot from a medical marijuana patient.  Fortunately, crimes like this will soon be a thing of the past as the Bush administration, on orders from God (who considers marijuana “My biggest fuck-up.  Well, biggest after making homos, that is.”) will be getting around to outlawing medical marijuana any day now.  

Lawrence McKinney is a scumbag.  Allegedly.  The police say he would pretend to be a “newspaper courier” to get into the homes of old people.  Then he’d rob them.  Allegedly.  

The dog stolen from a 24 Hour Fitness Center is still missing.  The owner is offering a $4000 reward, which is how much certain employees of KPTV “news” will pay you to whack me.

Meth Watch

• Some employers are using insurance money to pay for meth treatment programs for their addicted employees.  David Frietas/Freitas was in the studio for this story.  We were introduced to a former addict who works at Oregon Spring Service.  Personally, making springs 50 weeks a year would drive me to drugs, but he says he’s clean now, thanks to his bosses paying for his drying out.  I can’t really make too much fun of the guy since he said exactly what I’ve been saying for years now: we have to stop treating drug addiction as a moral problem and deal with it as a health issue.  You gotta applaud his employer for not throwing the guy’s junkie ass out onto the street, too.

Hey, kids, thinking about an assisted suicide?  Well, you better hurry.  The Supreme Court seems to be divided on the issue.  John Roberts, who the other Justices call “Bush’s Blow Boy” behind his back, seems to be in favor of outlawing your right to pay a doctor to help you kill yourself.  Once again the Republicans demonstrate that when they say they believe in smaller government which doesn’t intrude into your life, they really mean they believe in a government that tells you how to live, who you can have sex with and what you can believe from birth to the grave.  But it will be smaller, somehow.

Mildred Davey, long-time Tillamook radio broadcaster, died.  Davey started her show back in 1961. She was 93.  I saw her at the Tillamook County Fair last year and I can tell you, she didn’t look a day over 87.  Hot!

Break.

Northwest Tonight

• Yow!  Exciting video of a crash which narrowly missed a highway cop in Idaho.  Now that’s “journalism!”  Fuck those hard-to-understand stories about “issues.”  More car crashes!  Especially if they involve monkey drivers.

• The guy involved in the big cop chase Tuesday near Seattle has an Oregon criminal record.  Now if he had only committed a felony in California, he’d have the West Coast Trifecta.

• A Corvallis man is accused of trying to hire someone to set his girlfriend’s trailer on fire.  Hey, the guy’s an entrepreneur!  He was trying to help the economy by keeping the job in America!  He could have outsourced.  Where’s the love?

• As you would expect, the fire at the fake Fort Clapsop is being investigated by the authorities.  They’re still looking for the Chevy believed to have left the area shortly before the fake fort went up in flames.

Break.

Skinny KPTV morning weather weasel Andy Carson was at Heald College for the Grape Stomp where he was made to stand in a bucket of grapes.  Is that a morning show or a frat hazing?  Anyway, Heald won whatever the hell the Grape Stomp is.

Southwest Airlines has no sense of humor.  It kicked a woman wearing a T-shirt that says “Meet the Fuckers” with a picture of Bush and Cheney off one of their planes.  Does anyone else smell freshly-baked lawsuit cooling on the metaphorical windowsill?

Harriet Miers, President Bush’s nominee for the Supreme Court, is getting a mixed reaction from conservatives.  The biggest objection is “lack of experience.”  Hey, she spent a whole tax season working at H & R Block!  You think that’s easy?  58% of conservatives support her nomination in a poll.

Fire Season 2005

• A big-ass fire is burning east of L.A. licking at the edge of the 60 Freeway.

• There’s a fire on the border between San Diego County and Mexico.  The INS will catch it when it crosses over into the U.S. and drive it back to Tijuana.

• The Woodhouse Fire has already consumed about 500 acres near Sacramento.

Storm Team 12

• Tropical Storm Tammy has winds of about 50 MPH and is moving northwest.  Hey, don’t we live in the Northwest?  Oh, nooooooo!

• It’s snowing in Utah!  Hurry, hurry, get your Frozen Mormons!

• Parts of Minnesota have received 9 inches of rain recently.  Hurry, hurry, get your Damp Norwegians!

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

2 men committed a murder-rape in the course of a “home invasion” in Georgia.

Pit bull rampage!  Well, sort of.  A doggie in Cincinnati bit the owner’s neighbor.  I don’t know about you, but I expect more from my rampages.

So, this substitute teacher in Florida heard a beeping sound in his classroom.  He thought it was a cell phone and he confronted the kid it was coming from.  The kid tried to tell him it was his insulin pump but before he could explain, Mr. Can’t Get A Full-time Teaching Job grabs the tube on the pump and pulls it, separating it from the kid’s catheter.  Hey, Teach, I think you should start practicing saying, “Would you like fries with that?”

A semi crashed into a tollbooth on a highway (probably the Pennsylvania Turnpike) in PA.  My guess is based on the fact that there aren’t a lot of roads with tollbooths in Pennsylvania.

Speaking of Pennsy, a burning body was found in Philadelphia.  Turns out it was the body of the uncle of Beanie Siegel, a rapper.  A rapper involved with violence?  I, for one, am shocked!  Shocked, I tell you.  Siegel, by the way, is about to go on retrial for murder.  His lawyer says the death of his uncle has no connection to the alleged murder, but what would you expect his lawyer to say?  Wait!  Wasn’t Beanie Siegel a kid’s show back in the 60’s?  No, that was Beanie and Cecil!

Former Washington D.C. mayor, Marion Berry, is in trouble again.  The IRS says he hasn’t paid his taxes for several years.  Well, the guy was a crackhead; he’s not gonna remember every little thing.  By the way, if you’ve never seen the hidden camera footage of his FBI arrest, find a copy.  It’s a laugh riot!  After you see it, you’ll be using the phrase, “The bitch set me up!” with all your friends for weeks.

KPTV couldn’t find a story about a monkey smoking cigarettes tonight, so instead we got a story about a python which tried to eat a gator.  Oh, Nature and its wacky pranks!

Speaking of Florida, God’s Waiting Room, a family found a crocodile in their garage.  Now if only a python was trying to eat it while a monkey sat in the corner watching while smoking, it would have been the Perfect KPTV Story!

Katrina’s Devastation

• Some of the victims of post-Katrina crime are finally getting some help.  Oh, tacked onto this story was the teensy revelation that a lot of the stuff you heard about when all those people were trapped inside the Superdome, like the multiple rapes and murders, turns out not to be true.  Yup, after whipping America up into a frenzy about those out-of-control Negroes for weeks now, the “correction” is slipped inside another story.  Gee, I can’t imagine why people don’t trust the media.

• The Feds say it may take as long as a year to clean up the toxic mess in New Orleans.  There’s an estimated 5 million gallons of ooey-gooey down there, which seems a little on the low side to me.  Then there’s all those refrigerators with rotten food inside which also have to have their Freon removed safely.

• In another of the meaningless gestures organized religion is famous for, the Catholic Church blessed some of the pets rescued from Katrina at the cathedral in Washington, D.C.  Oh, by the way, if you ever go there, ask to be shown where the Yoda gargoyle is.  No, I’m not kidding; there really is one.

• A woman who survived Katrina has won a million bucks on a slot machine at a casino.  Oh, in that case, I guess there’s a happy ending after all.  KPTV need never report on the “suffering” of any of the people in New Orleans again.

• Some person or persons broke into a warehouse where the Powerhouse Church of Vancouver was storing food and other needed goods for Katrina survivors and stole lots of stuff.  

Oregon Responds

• Some 700 local restaurants participated in “Dime for America Day” to raise money for hurricane victims.  I still don’t understand the name of this thing.

Kids get arthritis too.  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association (the existence of which is one of the biggest reasons you don’t have national medical care), a doctor has come up with a formula of various medicines which may be effective against childhood arthritis.

Spaceship One, the first privately-financed spaceship, has been donated to the Smithsonian’s Air and Space Museum, where I used to work.  Yes, really.  Shauna Parsons said that Spaceship One will be next to Charles Lindbergh’s Spirit of St. Louis.  Uh, since the Spirit hangs from the ceiling, I’m guessing that the spaceship isn’t going to be right next to it.  Near it, perhaps.  By the way, the Air and Space Museum is the most-visited museum in the world.  Just thought you’d like to know that.

Is even Wayne Garcia starting to realize that KPTV’s 10 o’clock show isn’t exactly a “news” show?  He said, “Here’s our nightly iPod story,” which made me laugh (him too).  Apple says they have a Big Announcement to make next week and some industry analysts think that they will be unveiling a Video iPod.  The Earth will stop spinning on its axis immediately after this unprecedented release of an overpriced gadget.

Hollywood Buzz

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting!  The couple says they don’t know if they are having a boy or a girl but so long as it’s a healthy alien, they’ll be happy.  Besides, “L. Ron Cruise” can work for either gender.

• Speaking of couples who add nothing to the smooth functioning of the planet, Jessica Simpson and her husband Nick Lachey are not breaking up.  I repeat, Jessica and Nick are NOT breaking up!  You can put that fistful of Midol down now; there’s still a reason to live.

• New breakthroughs in technology mean that Stevie Wonder may gain the ability to see.  His first words are expected to be, “You mean I’ve been paying someone to dress me like this all these years???”  Oh, he has a new album coming out, too.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Al Gore has awoken from his thousand-year slumber and he doesn’t like what’s calling itself “journalism”: “The coverage of political campaigns focuses on the "horse race" and little else. And the well-known axiom that guides most local television news is "if it bleeds, it leads." (To which some disheartened journalists add, "If it thinks, it stinks.")”  Jesus, where was THAT Al Gore when he ran for President?  If THAT Al had run, I wouldn’t have had to hold my nose when I voted for him.  Click here

• A spy in the White House!  Yup.  Feel safer yet?  KPTV can find time for a story about a fucking snake trying to eat a gator, but none for something like this.  Click here

• Palm Beach County, Florida says, “Fuck the darkies!” (essentially) with its plan to turn a small town, home to mostly poor black people, into a billion-dollar yachting and housing complex.  Thanks, Supreme Court and your wacky eminent domain ruling!  Click here  Maybe if they turn Shauna Parsons’ house into a Carl’s Jr. KPTV will report on stuff like this.

• The LAPD says that Lindsay Lohan was not being pursued by paparazzi, as she had claimed, when she crashed her Benz into another car.  Hey, po-po, you callin’ my homegirl a liar?  Actually, I suspect her (alleged) use of the Peruvian nose candy may have affected her critical thinking abilities.  AND made her boobs disappear.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Oh, it was a big ol’ Crimefest tonight.  So much so that I could barely keep up, meaning that if you’re interested in the details of some of these stories, you’re going to have to do some looking around.  Hey, I’m just here to make fun of KPTV…I mean, encourage them to do better journalism.  Yeah, that’s what I meant.  Really.

Top Story.  The cops in Troutdale say that 3 teens were responsible for some racial graffiti on the walls of Reynolds High and some nearby homes.  Jamie Wilson was On The Scene for the story.  The graffiti that cracked me up was “ICP Rules.”  I didn’t think kids were still into the Insane Clown Posse.  We got a “You don’t expect that at this high school” type comment.  That was the first incident of any version of the durable “You don’t expect that in this neighborhood” we’ve had in a long time.  The classics never go out of style.

Fox 12’s Most Wanted

• The cops are looking for a man who raped a 13-year-old girl while she was sleeping.

• Joe Johansen is your suspect in the theft of those mail box keys.  Remember those?

KPTV’s next story was designed to scare residents of small towns in the Portland area.  According to it, towns like Stayton, Sublimity and Aumsville are the new residences of choice for sex offenders.  Kevin Coari, Embedded Reporter, told us that those three towns are home to at least 30 sex offenders.  That may be true, but I’m not convinced that the reason is, as a local woman opined on camera, that sex offenders know that small towns have smaller police forces and are therefore less risky for them to live in.  I suspect there may be more mundane reasons for this growth, if in fact it’s true.

Debra Gil was allowed into the studio for the next story about the fire at the recreation of Fort Clapsop, where Lewis and Clark holed up when they finally got to the Coast.  It may have been caused by arson, although no one is sure yet.  There’s no question that this sucks, but the fort was only a recreation; it would have sucked a whole lot more if it was the real thing.  It still sucks, though.  The officials brought in some dogs to sniff for flammable material which may have been used to start the fire.  They’re looking for a full-sized Chevy pickup which the arsonist may have been driving.

Next up was a story about the reaction to the fire.  Drew Carney was actually at Fort Clapsop to show us a park ranger who cried as he talked about the site and his crew’s devotion to telling the story of Lewis and Clark.  I know you think I’m a sarcastic prick, but I found it touching to see that there are still civil servants devoted to serving the public.  Then we heard about a tour group from Missouri that has been following L & C’s path, only to arrive at Fort Clapsop a few hours after the fire which destroyed it.

Then we heard from an old guy who was a member of the Junior Chamber of Commerce back in 1953 when the J.C. of C. raised money to build the replica fort.  

Break.

Jim Hyde was in a Salem neighborhood where frequent car thefts have forced one family to move out and where several other families are considering relocation.  Then we were told that Salem is on track to have 350 fewer car thefts than in 2004.  Hmm, I could swear that KPTV recently told us that it was going to be a record-breaking year for car theft in Salem.  Both of these statistics can’t be true.

Meth Watch

• A DUII traffic stop turned into a drug bust when the cops went to the home of the couple in the car.  Why they went there, we weren’t told.  Anyway, the house had a bunch of drug stuff, so the couple went bye-bye.

• A pot bust in Silverton netted 104 plants and some other marijuana-related stuff.

• 4 people in Salem were busted for drugs.  

A man was Caught on Camera as he left a 24 Hour Fitness Center.  He’s suspected of stealing a member’s truck and dog.  That sounds like a good idea for a country song: “I don’t have no luck.  Some sum’bitch stole my dog and truck”

Evergreen High and 2 other schools in Vancouver will soon be getting drug-sniffing dogs to patrol their halls.  David Wilson was On The Scene.  The cops will be using a total of 8 dogs for random searches of lockers.  We heard from a cop who said that the dogs aren’t intended to help the cops make arrests.  Uh huh.  So, the cops won’t arrest anyone who has something that the dogs flag?  Is that what you’re telling us, Johnny Law?  I don’t drink or use drugs; in fact, despite growing up in the Bronx among many friends who abused drugs at a great rate, I’ve never been high or drunk in my life.  I obviously do not advocate the use of intoxicants.  However, I think this approach to the problem of drugs is precisely the wrong way to go about things.  Criminalizing something does not automatically make it go away—I refer you to a little thing called Prohibition—it just makes it illegal.  There’s obviously a deep-seated problem in American society.  Maybe it’s time we stopped patting ourselves on the back for being the “greatest country in the world” and took a good, hard look at the possible reasons for why people turn to intoxicants.  Or I should just shut up and stop being a party pooper.  One or the other.

A local football player entered a plea of Not Guilty in the drinking death of a teenager.  The prosecution is saying that the ballplayer forced the younger kid to drink a whole lot of beer.  

Remember Lisa Temple who (allegedly) drove over a female state legislator outside the Capitol building in Salem?  She was in court on Tuesday and refused to enter a plea.  Uh, that isn’t going to help you, Lisa.

A guy was arrested for allegedly knocking over several local Plaid Pantry stores recently.  Doesn’t everyone know by now that convenience stores only keep a couple of hundred bucks in the cash register at any given time?  Is it worth going to slam-you-in-the-ass jail for $200?

A sewage spill in Northwest Portland poured into a tributary of Fanno Creek, which perhaps should be renamed Shit Creek, seeing as how something very similar happened the other day.

Vancouver is the site of a new state police crime lab.  Wow, with the exception of this sentence, that may have been the most succinctly I’ve ever been able to sum up a “news” story.  That last sentence didn’t help, though.  Nor did this one.  Nor this one.

The city (town?) of Beaverton is in a hassle with Nike.  The city/town has been ordered to turn over internal documents in a disagreement about annexation.  Nike thinks Beaverton is out to prevent it from expanding.  Maybe Nike can pay some of the little kids who get miserable wages to make their shoes to fly in and picket or something.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

• “KPTV’s Lowell Deo” showed up via the miracle of videotape to tell us about a wild chase up in the Seattle area, where Lowell actually works.  Over the course of 20 minutes, the chasee switched cars and allegedly tried to run over a cop, which they frown on.  He was ultimately caught in the driveway of a woman who was watching the chase on her TV.  Whoo, white trash surrealism!

Break.

The Pelican Pub of Pacific City, Oregon has won Brew Pub of the Year and a couple of other awards.  Screw ‘em.  I happened to be in Pacific City over the weekend and saw a sick-looking seal way above the water line on the beach right behind the Pelican Pub.  Since my cell phone has a number from a different area code, I couldn’t call the Tillamook County 911 Center directly.  I went into the Pelican and asked to use their phone so I could make the call.  The girls behind the counter told me that the seal was “obviously there for a reason” and discouraged me from making the call.  May they choke on their award-winning beer.

Keri Tomlinson was in News Control to tell us about ID thieves (tied with meth addicts for KPTV’s Favorite Criminals) targeting military members who are currently serving overseas.  1 crook opened 60 accounts in the name of a single soldier.  Because of this problem, some credit card companies have set up “Active Duty Alerts” which you can activate so that no one can use the card(s) while your family member is away.

President Bush has nominated his long-time personal attorney for the Supreme Court.  No one seems to know much about her (other than that she was the head of the Texas Lottery Commission when Bush was governor.  Oh, that should read “scandal-plagued Texas Lottery Commission.”  Sorry.) although Bush has called Harriet Miers a “pit bull in size 6 shoes.”  Is that a compliment?  The White House is refusing to release internal documents related to Miers’ work at 1600 Pennsylvania.

New York, New York, the town so nice the terrorists attacked it twice, has opened its first solar-powered subway station at Coney Island.  The solar panels will be stolen and sold for scrap by next spring.

“Experts” are saying that natural gas prices will be 71% higher than last winter in California.  Maybe the Governator can go back in time and warn us all about this. Wasn’t that one of his election promises?

Hurricane Stan, currently a Category 1, has hit the Mexican mainland, killing more than 60 people so far.  Hey, how come the Mexicans get the storms with the male names while we get the chick hurricanes??

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

• The capsizing of the tour boat in Lake George, New York which killed 20 senior citizens is being blamed on too much weight, a shift in the load and the boat hitting another boat’s wake.  Oh, also, the boat didn’t have enough crewmembers on board.  Other than that, everything was fine.

• A Florida driver who swerved to avoid hitting a cat, hit a 17-year-old boy instead.  The driver isn’t being charged because the boy was standing on his skateboard partially in the road.

• In San Diego, “America’s Finest City,” a woman drove her Pace Arrow RV into the front of a store, not once, but three times!  She told the cops that her husband was chasing her, but they couldn’t find any evidence of that.  Dude, I’m sitting in a Pace Arrow RV as I type this!  Whoa, this can’t be a coincidence!  

• One old Jewish man shot another old Jewish man in a synagogue in Boca Raton, Florida; it’s Rosh Hashana.  Wait!  Old Jewish people in Florida???  Who knew?

• 14 men, ranging in age from 18-56, have been arrested in the rape of an 18-year-old girl.  14 people involved in 1 rape?  What was this, a union job?

• A tanker truck caught on fire on a highway in my ancestral home of The Bronx, New York.  It shut down the highway for hours.  KPTV didn’t tell you but the highway in question was the Bruckner Expressway, which you’ve been on if you’ve ever driven across the George Washington Bridge heading for New England.  

• An 8-year-old boy fell into a 30-foot septic hole in California.  He was freed from the poopy-filled water after about a half-hour.

Katrina’s Devastation

• Because of a lack of revenue, the mayor of New Orleans says he will have to lay off about 3000 workers, about half the city’s workforce.  

• Speaking of New Orleans, some “experts” say there may be more flooding in some parts of the city.  In anticipation of that, they have closed 2 canals.  Let the recriminations begin!

• “KPTV’s Jason Carroll” [spelling?] told us that some people don’t like the fact that FEMA is building trailer park towns near their homes.  FEMA has bought thousands of fifth-wheel trailers into which to temporarily place people who have lost their homes in the recent hurricanes.  Some locals think that all the refugees are criminals, which at least one hurricane survivor said she resented.  

Hillsboro police say the public should be on the lookout for Eddie Hair, a sex offender they say may be tooling around in a Titan motor home.  David Wilson was at the KPTV “news” van (not live, I don’t think) for this story.

Since Hollywood Buzz was next, I don’t know why they didn’t put this story there, but anyway, Michael Jackson is preemptively suing a concert promoter who says Jacko bugged out of a show several years ago, leaving him high and dry.  I think the promoter should settle out of court for 2 10-year-olds and a baby to be named later.

Hollywood Buzz

• Lindsay Lohan drove into a van.  She says she was being chased by paparazzi.  Why didn’t she just turn sideways and vanish from their point of view?

• Ellen DeGeneres and her girlfriend are considering buying the house being sold by Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt.  It’s nice to see that the home will stay in the hands of a lesbian couple.

• TV Guide is going to change to a full-size full-color glossy magazine soon.  I’m okay with that, so long as they don’t get rid of Cheers and Jeers.  ‘Cause I live by that, you know.

• American Idol winner Fantasia says in her new autobiography that she’s illiterate, meaning that she’s an “author” who has never read her own book.  If I was her, I wouldn’t try to learn to read as illiteracy may end up being the excuse she can use to get out of her indentured slavery deal with Simon Cowell’s management company (all American Idol winners have to sign with it).

Lastly, if you want an Apple iPod Nano, you’ll probably have to get on a waiting list.  What is this obsession with the tiniest possible music players?  Personally, I don’t want something that can blow away in the wind like a sheet of newspaper.  Gimme a brick with batteries!

Shauna Parsons wrapped up the Final Cut with six seconds left on the Countdown Clock (still inscrutable).

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• What Einstein came up with this?  The people who make helicopters for the military ran a print ad with American troops rappelling out of a chopper onto a mosque!  Way to make friends in the Moslem world!  Click here

• KPTV may have mentioned this on Monday night’s show, I don’t know, but anyway, Tom DeLay has been indicted.  Again.  Click here

• Car sales were way down last month.  Way, way down.  Click here

• The Pentagon is still not reimbursing families for buying body armor for their sons and daughters who are in the military even though it was ordered to about a year ago.  Click here

• Hey, wannna see who Republican uber-lobbyist Jack Abramoff gave tickets for a WWE wrestling show to?  Click here

• An Army Of One Retard?  Click here

Sunday, October 2, 2005

I’m having my annual mid-life crisis right now but I’ll do my civic duty and make fun of Hilary Hutcheson’s hair.  If I don’t, the terrorists might win, after all.

Top Story.  According to the cops, 2 men tied up the Salem 911 Call Center for about 40 minutes so that they could try to rob some stores.  This semi-clever stunt happened about 7:07 PM on Saturday.  The caller claimed that his Dad was dying and paramedic units responded, to find no dying guy, of course.  Well, they got caught by an off-duty cop at the scene of one of the break-ins.  Someone thought to check to see if they had a cell phone and if the phone had made a 911 call.  You can fill in the rest.  They’re cooling their heels in a Marion County jail now.

An old guy was stabbed in Wilsonville at about 3 AM.  Meth-related?  Isn’t everything these days?

Still no suspects in the Case of the Fake Bombs in Northeast Portland (I think I read a Hardy Boys book by the same name).

For reasons unknown, 54-year-old Patricia Walker of Hillsboro felt the need to shoot her husband, Gary.  According to Debra Wilson, who was On The Scene, Patty did a good job ‘cause Gary isn’t among the living anymore.  Neighbors, who were suitably shocked that such a thing could happen near their homes, said that the Walkers had moved to Hillsboro about 2 years ago from Tillamook and that Patricia had said she wanted to move back.  There’s just no satisfying that bitch!

A car drove into a cop car at I-5 and I-205 in Vancouver.  It’s a big ol’ DUI-Fest.  Hilarity ensued, I’m sure.

A man suspected of arson in Albany back in April is finally getting his Constitutionally-guaranteed day in court this week.  

Meth Watch

• Congresswoman Darlene Hooley will show her face on Monday at a Meth Roundtable and Dunk Tank (well, Meth Roundtable anyway) on Monday in the Portland area.  It’s all about the kids, you see.  The blasted-out-of-their-minds-on-meth-cause-you-just-don’t-understand-me kids.

Northwest Tonight

• Because every other social problem in Seattle has been effectively dealt with, the mayor is pushing a new law which would keep strippers 4 feet away from the patrons in bars.  No, this has absolutely nothing to do with pandering to people who get all bent out of shape over anything to do with sex.  Nothing at all.

• “KPTV’s Nicole Sanchez” showed her face to tell us that 2 15-year-olds and 1 16-year-old have been arrested in the “blunt force trauma” death of a man in Belleview, Washington.  The cops aren’t saying who the victim or the alleged perps are.

Cue the sad music, it’s Katrina’s Devastation

• Almost all the water has been drained from the streets of New Orleans.  I think that means that nothing but 3-eyed fish will be able to live in Lake Pontchartrain for the next century.

Oregon Responds

• 40 hurricane survivor cats are being flown from Texas to Portland.  I truly am glad that the cats didn’t die in the catastrophe, but I’ll bet that if I was found dog-paddling in the toxic soup down there, I’d have to beg to get a plane ticket out of that hellhole.  Moral: if you live anywhere natural catastrophes can strike, keep a cat costume handy if you expect to be helped by your fellow humans.

Break.

America Tonight

• More than 20 old people died when the tour boat they were on flipped over on Lake George in upstate New York.  “KPTV’s Alison Camarata” told us that no one is sure yet why the Ethan Allen went tits up.  

• 2 people died when a tanker truck crashed into 3 cars in Nashville.

• Next up was more about the 4-year-old girl found wandering the streets of Queens, New York.  Hey, at least in tonight’s story, KPTV acknowledged that the girl was found last week instead of pretending it just happened.  The girl’s mom was allegedly killed by her boyfriend.  Many families have offered to adopt the girl.

• A hostage standoff followed a traffic stop in Arizona.  The cops had to use tear gas canisters to force the miscreants outside where they were arrested.  Ever notice how many ugly incidents follow “routine” traffic stops?  Maybe we should outlaw traffic stops.

• Next we got what was basically a recap of the story about the 21-year-old man who committed “suicide by explosion” outside a football game at the University of Oklahoma.  None of the 84,000 people inside the stadium was injured by the blast.  They probably thought it was part of the halftime show.

• An 87-year-old man is accused of an arson at a nursing home which killed one person.  See, you can be active in your Golden Years!

• There was a deadly fire at a motel in New Jersey.  Some residents say the exit doors were locked (which would be illegal).  The landlord denies that, however.

• There was a Federal raid on a company in Champaign, Illinois.  The company is suspected of making the steroid involved in the BALCO/Major League Baseball scandal.  My sister lives in the Bay Area and she showed me, from the highway, where BALCO is located.  It’s like an industrial strip mall-kind of deal.  Very inconspicuous.

• The NAACP protested a Neo-Nazi concert in Georgia.  What was I saying yesterday about Southern Stupid being a special kind of Stupid?

• New Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts attended a special “Red Mass” in a Catholic church in D.C.  I had 12 years of Catholic school and I’ve never heard of a “Red Mass.”  

• Hey, speaking of organized superstition, some people somewhere are dumb enough to think that their statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary is “miraculously” looking down rather than up now.  OK, seriously, I want to know why nonsense like this is given air time on a “news” show.  If I called KPTV and told them that monkeys had miraculously flown out of my ass, would they put me on the air?  If not, why not?  When you get down to it, it isn’t any more ridiculous or physically impossible than a statue that changes on its own. I have no doubt that these people are sincere, but they are delusional and their superstitious nonsense shouldn’t be treated as a serious news story.

World Tonight

• An Australian tourist just happened to be running his video camera when one of the explosions went off in Bali.  Stuff went boom!

• Hurricane Otis, the Hurricane You’ve Never Heard Of Before, didn’t hit Cabo San Lucas, Mexico but it did make it rain a lot in that resort town.  Now where is Van Halen going to go for vacation?

Break.

The state of Oregon will be ending “Going Home,” a gang rehab program described as having successfully returned over 100 people to society because its $2 million Federal grant will run out next Spring.  The state says other programs will try to fill in the gap.

Break.

The 16th Annual Memory Walk for Alzheimer’s was held in Portland on Sunday.  I wanted to join in, but I forgot.  Oh, right, like you didn’t see that one coming!

Katrina’s Devastation (with added Vitamin C)

• Sunday was Day 3 of New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin’s plan to repopulate his city.  “KPTV’s J.J. Ramberg” was all over Nawlins to show us how different parts of the city fared differently after the hurricanes.  The French Quarter is dry and starting to reopen for business, while Lakeview and the Lower 9th Ward don’t look too good.  Electricity has now been restored to about 28% of New Orleans.  I love specific statistics; they sound so authentic, don’t they?

• Jefferson Parish, Louisiana is trying to reopen its schools.  Volunteers are coming in from all over the place.  The schools will open 1 hour earlier than usual every day to try to make up for the lost time.

Fire Season 2005

• Although firefighters in Southern California are gaining ground against the wildfires, there’s a fear that there may be more to come.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

• Debra Gil was at the KPTV “news” van but apparently not live (there was no “live” Chyron) to tell us that some local schools will be using drug-sniffing dogs to assist with random searches of lockers.  Every day, with every little encroachment against our freedom and liberty, we slide closer to fascism.  “But,” you say, “you don’t understand.  It’s a different time.”  So, freedom is only practical when things are going perfectly, like an umbrella that only opens on sunny days?  Interesting.  I’d say that means that the “American Experiment” is a failure.  But, hey, I’m just a fat guy here to make jokes about Hilary Hutcheson’s hair.  What do I know?

• Money is being diverted from the smokers’ Quit Line to “outreach” programs.  I have no idea what that means for smokers—or anyone else, for that matter.

• “KPTV’s David Lee Miller” was on hand to tell us about the ridiculous attempt to teach “Intelligent Design” in the public schools in Dover Township, a boil on the ass of York, PA.  The ACLU is fighting the law that would require teachers to read 4 paragraphs about the I.D. “theory” to students.  The supporters of “Intelligent Design” say that their “theory” which says that the universe is “too complex to not have had a designer” isn’t necessarily talking about a God.  Uh, oooo-kay.  Want to explain to me what other universe-building entity it could be talking about?  I was a radio DJ in York, PA and I’ve been though Dover Township many times.  Trust me, the best argument against “Intelligent Design” is Dover Township (although the mall there did have a Chick-Fil-A in it).  Putting aside the disingenuity behind the support for “Intelligent Design,” one big problem with it is that it isn’t a theory in any sense.  It’s an opinion, at best.  Listen, you want to teach your kids ridiculous nonsense about the world around them?  Go for it, Bubba.  Just put them in a religious school and pay for it yourself.  It’ll mean that my kids won’t have to worry about competition from your kids in the workplace.  Oh, also tell your kids that they shouldn’t dare apply for any form of government assistance when they can’t find gainful employment; I don’t want to support willful ignorance.

• Next up was a time-killer about schools on Staten Island, New York City issuing “digital yearbooks.”  After all the blather about how high-techy this was, we found out that the discs come inside a conventional print yearbook.  

• “KPTV’s Rebecca Gomez” followed that with this story about cell phones for pre-teens.  “Only” 5% of kids in that age group have their own cell phone, you see.  Uh, about 0% of them have their own cars, but nobody takes that as a sign that Fisher-Price should start manufacturing SUV’s.  The fact that something isn’t being done doesn’t automatically mean that it should be done.  Just saying.

• “KPTV’s Jennifer Phillips” brought us tonight’s Obligatory American Idol story.  People in Greensboro, North Carolina will soon have the opportunity to have their dream of becoming a singing star burst.  Low-paid production assistants will weed them out long before they ever get the chance to be rejected by Simon Cowell and his lackeys.  In case you’re a bigger masochist than I am and still want to try out, to apply for this kick in the ass you have to be between 16 and 28 and you need 2 forms of ID.  Jesus, it was easier to get my driver’s license!

Hollywood Buzz

• Jodie Foster’s Flightplan, a movie about a woman who gets on a plane and loses her daughter, only to be told by the plane’s crew that she didn’t get on with a child was Number One at the boxoffice this weekend.  Oh, by the way, the character isn’t crazy.  She really did have a daughter with her; the whole thing is a ridiculously convoluted plot by some people trying to take over the plane.  The undercover Federal Marshall on the flight is in on it.  See, now you don’t have to see this stupid movie.  I did you a favor.

• Serenity was Number Two this weekend.  Corpse Bride was Number Three.  I don’t know their plots, so I can’t spoil them for you.  Sorry.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Recently, we told you that the CIA is all fucked-up.  Hey, guess what?  So’s the FBI.  Feel safer yet?  Click here

• The poorer and less well-educated an American is, the more he or she is likely to believe that the recent hurricanes are God trying to tell us we’re on the wrong path.  Quite an endorsement for organized religion, huh?  Click here

• Funny thing.  You go on TV saying that you think the head of a country should be killed and he’s likely to take all his country’s money out of your country’s banks.  Click here

• The host of This Week with George Stephanopoulos  says he has been told by a reliable source that the cover-up in the case of the outed CIA agent extends to the offices of the president and vice-president.  Click here

Saturday, October 1, 2005

On a different note, Saturday Night Live had its season premiere tonight.  I smiled three times, making it the funniest SNL in 15 years.

Top Story.  Car into bar.  Some doofus drove into a bar in Southeast Portland.  David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene.  This was funny: Davey was telling us about the dangerous intersection the bar is at.  The camera panned away from his mug to show us...no cars at the intersection of Belmont and Grand.  Oooh, that’s scary!  Anyway, the crash happened at about 10 PM Friday.  2 people who were hurt are now out of the hospital.  1 was in surgery.  Really?  At 10 PM on Saturday, a person who was hurt on FRIDAY night was still in surgery?  How likely does that seem?

A memorial service was held for the young man who died last Friday under mysterious circumstances.  The cops still don’t have a suspect or motive.

Nurse practitioner Anna Rufo allegedly hit her adopted Chinese daughter with an aluminum bat.  You know, Anna, we have kids right her in America you can hit with a bat.  You don’t have to import one.  Sheesh.

2 things that looked like bombs caused a big ruckus in a Northeast Portland neighborhood.  The bomb squad had to bring in the robot and everything.  People were evacuated and still no one said, “You don’t expect that in this neighborhood.”  Hey, KPTV, you’re slipping.

Oh, I’m not entirely sure I understand this next story.  A guy from Tacoma, I think, pleaded not guilty to the rape of a girl.  The girl has run off with her legal guardian.  The last part of that sounds very familiar.  I’m sure we’ve heard it before.  I guess the “news” part is the Not Guilty part.  Or not.  I’m confused.

There was a Big! Heroin! Bust! in Longview.  A man and a woman, both described as heroin addicts, were arrested.  

Storm Team 12 says a road near the White River is closed.  Uh, I think we know about that; it’s from the rain the other day, right?  

Good thing Billy Joe McAllister didn’t jump off a bridge over the Fanno Creek instead of the Tallahatchee Bridge ‘cause if he had, the pollution from the sewer runoff might have killed him, even if the fall didn’t.  Like the way I did that?  You’re welcome.

Northwest Tonight

• “KPTV’s Nicole Sanchez” was on hand to tell us about 12 construction workers who were injured when a 93-unit condo they were working on collapsed in Tacoma.  Then the mayor of Tacoma, who is definitely not gay—just ask him--even though he hired hunky young men to work on the city payroll and admits to hanging out in Internet gay chat rooms, ran to the site to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the sweaty, well-chiseled hard hats.  Or not.

• Hey, speaking of the mayor of Tacoma, a judge has ruled that an attempt to recall his sorry ass is legal.  Game on!

• An Oregon dog has tested positive for Dog Flu.  I guess this means a lot of dogs will miss some school days or something.

Oregon Responds

• Members of the local Humane Society have returned home from a trip to New Orleans during which they managed to save a measly 8 animals.  Yes, I’m happy the little doggies and kitties are OK, but doesn’t 8 seem like a small number for such a big effort?

• 150 medical volunteers are sought from the Portland area to go down to New Orleans to help the sick and injured.  

Break.

America Tonight

• Some guy attempted “suicide by bomb” at a football game at the University of Oklahoma.  That’s just a little Rube Goldberg, isn’t it?  Doesn’t anyone just eat a fistful of pills anymore?

• I forget the method, but some brutal killings were committed in Georgia.  There are 5 dead and 7 people beaten in trailer parks there.  “KPTV’s Rich Elliott” told us that the cops are looking for 2 black guys who seemed to have been targeting Mexican immigrants because, as a neighbor said, “Mexicans have all the money.”  Ah, yes, it’s just like the old saying, “As rich as a Mexican immigrant!”  I know the South doesn’t have a monopoly on stupidity, but you gotta admit, Southern Stupidity is a special kind of stupid.

• A 4-year-old girl was found wandering the streets of Queens, New York.  The cops have arrested the guy who seems to have killed her mom, then dropped the little girl off on the sidewalk.  I believe the girl was actually found several days ago, but hey, KPTV can’t be Johnny On The Spot for every gruesome crime, can they?

• Somewhere in this great land of ours, an 8-year-old boy is accused of beating his baby sister to death.  Ah yes, the children really are our future, aren’t they?  A very dark, bleak future.  

• Hey, speaking of the Culture of Life, a scumbag in California used “gay panic” as his defense in the murder of a transgendered woman.  See, he took her home, then discovered that she was genetically male so that whole wacky “murder” thing was just inevitable.  He got a whopping 3 years for killing another human being.  I think Justice put the blindfold on after hearing about this so she could pretend she didn’t see it.

• God played one of those little ironic pranks He’s so fond of when a tree branch fell on a man in a cemetery, killing him.  Oh God, you kill me.  Actually, you’ll eventually kill all of us, won’t you?

• In Dayton, Ohio, a man flying a reproduction of a World War I plane crashed, breaking his nose.

• And on the Lighter Side, a female turtle in Iowa named Bubba is constipated.  Yes, this actually made the “news” on a major market TV station.  A turtle can’t shit!  Gas up the van!  Let’s roll!

World Tonight

• Corsicans rioted, throwing Corsican rocks at the Corsican police.  In Corsica.  Napoleon was from there.  He was the short guy feeling himself up in the portrait who ran France for a while.

• A ridiculously rich guy bought himself a seat on a Russian space ship for a trip to the International Space Station.  (I thought they abandoned that rust bucket.)  Then he told Jodie Foster, who is an atheist scientist, that he had a second “Machine” (as a backup to the one which a crazy guy destroyed) which could transport her to an alternate universe (or something like that) where she could see her father (or his holographic doppelganger) played by the guy who was a doctor on St. Elsewhere.  

Break.

War On Terror

• This is definitely going to hurt tourism:  Multiple bombs went off, almost simultaneously, in Bali, 3 years after similar blasts rocked the same island.  “KPTV’s Molly Henneberg” told us that the American embassy, exhibiting more of the genius of the current American government, said the terror level on Bali is “high.”  Now that’s the kind of expertise we pay them for!

Break.

Saturday morning there was a big pile-up of cars on the Sunset Highway, near the Sunset Tunnel.  In Sunsetville, perhaps?

Parts of Martin Luther King Boulevard were cleaned up on Saturday by teens belonging to a group called “Nothing Is Impossible.”  Oh, yeah?  Let’s see you split an atom with an X-Acto knife.  Or keep Paris Hilton’s legs together.  Anyway, the clean-up was free, although donations were accepted from local businesses.

It’s Flu Season.  Damn, I forgot to buy you a card.  Anyway, the same inoculation clinics I mentioned yesterday are still on Sunday at a couple of local malls.  Hey, if you’re feeling flu-ish, you should have enough initiative to find out which malls on your own.

Awww, it’s tonight’s Story Designed To Tug At Your Heartstrings!  So, there’s this doctor, see, who volunteers to help the sick in rural Honduras with free medical and dental services.  That’s nice, right?  OK, here’s the twist: he has arthritis in his knees and he can’t pay for medical services for himself because he lost all his money when a bank in Honduras failed.  OK, I’m seeing Morgan Freeman in the role when they make the movie.  Anyway, some kind souls at Providence St. Vincent Hospital took pity on him and fixed his knee for free.  He has a wife, but I’m thinking that in the movie, maybe he meets Nicole Kidman who plays the beautiful and brainy American surgeon who works on his leg.  They fall in love and, together, they go back to Honduras where they help the poor natives of a small village, played by the Harlem Globetrotters.  I’m having a little trouble figuring out how to work that routine the Globetrotters do to Sweet Georgia Brown into the plot, though.

Fire Season 2005

• Thanks to the work of thousands of firefighters, only 2 homes were destroyed in Southern California by the wildfires.  

• A young couple had their wedding in a backyard as California burned around them.  It’s sweet that these two irrational lunatics found each other, isn’t it?

• 1100 acres have burned in Burbank.  If there’s a God in Heaven, this included everything needed to produce the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Weather.  Break.

Final Cut

A local dealer has donated two ATV’s to the Fairview Police Department.  Now the overweight police chief has another excuse for not exercising.  The ATV’s are used to patrol walking paths in the woods in Fairview where, according to Chief Walking Heart Attack (his Indian name), graffiti on light poles is definite proof of gang activity.  Hey, Sherlock Holmes, in the Bronx, where I come from, corpses with knives in their spinal columns are the proof of gang activity, not some spray paint on a friggin’ light pole.  Hop off the go-kart and grow a pair, Inspector Clouseau.

Not only is it Flu Season but it’s also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  So, that’s why Fred Meyer had Christmas decorations out on the shelves today!  David Frietas/Freitas, who has never laid an unwanted hand on his domestic partner, was at the KPTV “news” van (perhaps even live) to tell us that 75% of the calls received after dark by the Clackamas County 911 center are domestic violence-related.  

Fox 12’s Most Wanted

• Daniel Chafe, homegrown maniac, accused of 13 counts of rape and abuse of minors, was featured on Saturday night’s episode of America’s Most Wanted. Another feather in the Rose City’s cap.  

Fight For Iraq

An explosion in Iraq killed 2 Danish troops.  Another one in Kirkut killed 4 and injured 10.  Isn’t it always the way; that single Iraqi battalion capable of fighting on its own is never there when you need it.

“KPTV’s Jane Yamamoto” ambled by to tell us about Lori Mann, a professional photographer in Costa Mesa, California, who is taking soft-core porn shots of the wives of troops in Iraqi to “raise their morale,” a euphemism for giving them erections.  So, porn is a positive thing if it involves your wife and it raises your “morale?”  What about if your girlfriend sends you some hardcore shots?  Is that OK?  What if she sends you some video of her making out with a female friend?   How about if a buddy mails you that Paris Hilton video?  Is that still an acceptable “morale builder?”  I’m just trying to understand where “morale building” ends and “busting a nut” starts.  I thought porn was one of the Greatest Evils in Society.  Jacking off is OK if soldiers, “protecting our freedom,” do it?

Hey, speaking of sexual hypocrisy, Yahoo has released the results of a “study” (translation: they felt they needed some press so they made some shit up) about how more older “daters” are using online services than ever before.  Yup, that’s what people do online: “date.”  

Google has submitted a bid to provide free Wi-fi service to everyone in San Francisco.  12 other companies are in the running for the contract.  OK, you know the cable companies, which make mucho dinero off high-speed cable Internet services, are going to fight this tooth and nail.

Hollywood Buzz

• Paris Hilton has called off her engagement.  Hmm, where have I read this before?  Oh, yeah, RIGHT HERE!

• O.J. Simpson was signing autographs at a comic convention, I think in L.A.  I don’t know if this is the same one KPTV previously reported as being in San Diego.  Anyway, even though it cost people $95 to have a double murderer scribble his name on something, they people who run the convention say he wasn’t profiting from the appearance.  Huh?

• The Arizona rehab center Kate Moss is allegedly in will not confirm that she is there.  The publisher of the local newspaper says a British tabloid offered him a lot of money if he would send a photographer to get a picture of her entering the facility.  The video cut off before we could see what he told them, although it was implied that he refused.

Some local high school marching bands competed at Hillsboro Stadium.  Was there a prize for Most Mangled Version of a Song You Used To Like?  Back in high school, my friend Walter Murphy, musical prodigy and composer of the theme song for Family Guy, used to write arrangements of songs like Hey Jude for our marching band while announcements blared from the P.A. system.  I couldn’t figure out how he could concentrate.  Yes, I only wrote that so that I could drop his name.  Nyah nyah.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Remember how, when the Bush administration proposed giving more sweeping wiretap powers to the FBI, some people said it would misused and the Bush people said the Bureau would be really, really careful.  Turns out, not so much.  Click here

• OK, this is one of the most suspicious things I’ve seen in ages—and I watch Hilary Hutcheson’s hairdo change every night!  A potentially dangerous bacteria tested in the 60’s as a biological weapon by the military “just happened” to be detected in the air over the crowd at the anti-war rally last weekend in D.C. Click here

• Want some more information about that bacteria?  Happy to oblige.  Click here

• FEMA continues to do that great job they’ve been doing.  Click here