Saturday, July 30, 2005

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

So, did you see the show Saturday night? Notice anything different about weekend co-anchor Hilary Hutcheson's hairdo? It was sassy and sophisticated with bangs swept to the right. Didn't think I counted as a "small group of thoughtful, committed people," huh? Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah (or "neener neener neener" as they sometimes say on the West Coast). And they make a fuss about that Gandhi guy! Quick note, Hil: don't pull your hair back so tightly. It makes your eyes look squinty. You're welcome.

Top Story: David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene in Hillsboro where a murder investigation is ongoing. There's some suspicion that it may be gang-related. We got video of some locals who opined that gang activity is on the increase in Hillsboro. I was pleasantly surprised to see that KPTV talked to the police who said that, no, actually, gang activity is NOT on the rise in Hillsboro. That is an example of the kind of non fear-based journalism that I'd like to see more of on KPTV (and all TV news, actually). It's the first time I can remember them making the effort to tell the audience that the sky isn't necessarily falling and I want to commend KPTV for putting that detail in the story. Thank you, folks.

A rock thrown at a car in Salem resulted in the driver stabbing the thrower. Bet you wish you had that rock back now, huh, Mr. Thrower.

Road Rage on Rt. 26. Some numbnuts got pissed at a woman driving another car and pointed a .50 caliber gun at her. Jesus, pull over at a rest stop before you blow up like that, Dirty Harry.

Remember the panty thief who was made to look like Public Enemy Number One some months back? They tried really hard to tie this guy to the disappearance of Brooke Wilberger and when that failed they tried a smear campaign, telling the world he had "violent images" on his computer, among other things - as if that were proof of something. Well, his family are suing for unreasonable search. The cops, thinking he was a murderer rather than a simple fetishtistic weirdo, turned their place upside-down looking for clues. I smell an out-of-court settlement down the road.

There's been an arrest for rape in Kelso. The victim is a young boy. Yuck.

We next got a recap of the prostitution sting story from last night. It had a few new details but nothing thrilling.

Meth Watch: That stupid law to require prescriptions for cold meds that contain pseudoephedrine has passed the state Senate and now goes on to the governor for his signature. I'm sure it'll pass. I'm also sure it will do absolutely nothing to reduce the amount of meth abuse in Oregon.

A 5 year-old boy is dead as the result of a car accident near Molalla.

A Tillamook motorcycle cop is dead. A 16 year-old driver was passing another car on Rt. 101 in Pleasant Valley just south of Tillamook and struck the cop's bike head-on. The teen and his passenger, his girlfriend, are both OK.

An eye clinic in Lake Oswego had a flourine gas leak. As flourine is toxic, this was considered undesirable. I guess I just don't know enough about optometry or opthalmology or opto-whatever, but I can't think of what use an eye clinic would have for flourine.

Northwest Tonight (hey, what happened to "Northwest Now?")

*Green Lake, Washington is experiencing problems with vandalism. That's what you get for living in the Big City!

*Remember the mother and daughter who disappeared in the Tacoma area, causing an Amber Alert? There's been an arrest in the case.

*The Thunderbirds are performing this weekend in Tacoma. Memorial services for the pilots will be announced after the inevitable mid-air crash, amateur video of which will be shown all next week on every TV news show.

*Universal health care? Can't afford it. Potholes? No money to fix 'em. Totally impractical jet-powered cars? You betcha! The U.S. Air Force Reserve Jet Car, which uses a Westinghouse J-34 jet engine to accelerate from 0 to 400 mph, is appearing at the McChord Air Expo this weekend in Tacoma.

Fire Season 2005

*Big fire near Double Mountain. 19,000 acres already consumed.

*Big fire near Klamath Falls is 20% contained.

*Big fire in South Oregon has consumed 1500 acres already.

Break.

America Tonight

*The community has raised $10,000 as a reward for information in the case of the missing pregnant woman in Philadelphia. Hmm, what "small group of thoughtful, committed [person]" busted KPTV's balls about not reporting this story last night? Yay for me! "KPTV's Shanille [sp?] Jones" was the reporter on this story. And to think I was getting ready to congratulate KPTV for eschewing the fake "we have reporters everywhere" thing.

*So, they drained a pond in Aruba because someone claimed that they saw some guys standing near it on the night that Natalee Holloway disappeared. It isn't easy to drain a body of water which is at sea level, but when it was finally emptied, there was...nothing.

*A man, a woman and their two children were found dead in their home in Collierville, Tennessee. KPTV said that the family was planning on moving to Arkansas, but the newspaper stories I found via Google News said they were from Arkansas, so I guess it would be more proper to say that they were planning on moving back to Arkansas. Small detail, I guess.

*A torso was found in Bakersville, California. It belongs to a man who has been missing for months. Someone's got some 'splainin' to do!

*A propellor plane and a 757 had a near-collision on the ground at LAX. "The white zone is for crashing and near-crashing only." You'll get that joke if you've ever flown into Los Angeles.

*A roller coaster car crashed into another at Disney's California Adventure. Hmm, who busted KPTV's balls last night about not covering this story? What's that, Margaret Mead? Something about thoughtful, committed something or other?

*A guy in Massachusetts has found a 2-headed snake. eBay! eBay! eBay! Oh wait, eBay doesn't allow the sale of livestock. Carnival freak show! Carnival freak show! Carnival freak show!

World Tonight

*Anti-Mubarek protestors were attacked in Cairo, Egypt. Random thought: How do you say "Mubarek" in hieroglyphics?

*A brawl broke out during a basketball game between a Chinese team and a team from Puerto Rico. The little guys with the dark hair won. Argue with THAT.

*A volcano near Mexico City erupted. There were no injuries. If I was more of a right-winger, I'd say, "Sure there were no injuries, because all the Mexicans are here!" I'm not, though, so I won't say that.

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror (back together again by popular demand)

*The guy arrested in Rome in connection with the recent bombings in London is fighting extradiction.

Fight For Iraq

*A suicide car bombing in Iraq killed 7 and injured 27 people.

*Was Saddam Hussein attacked in the courtroom? His lawyers say he was although there is no video evidence of it happening and the judge says it didn't. Maybe it was his karma jumping his sorry ass. NOTE: The mention of "karma," (defined as "the total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny") in the pursuit of humor in no way constitutes an endorsement of the concept of karma by this blog or its creator.

Break.

That missing tile on the exterior of the Space Shuttle is a concern for NASA. No shit! I'll bet it's kind of a concern for the astronauts floating around the Earth in that tribute to lowest-bidding government contractors, too.

Weather. Break. ...On the subject of weather, I will pass along my compliments to my favorite Weather Weasel for having the best 'cast in town. You have the one segment on KPTV that never needs fixing. If I had a complaint, it would be that you never talk about accuracy. Nobody else does either, but I'm under the general impression that anything beyond 48 hours is idle speculation by computer models. You could read the Farmer's Almanac and do just as well. That isn't your fault, of course, that has to do with the limits of the technology. But it would be nice if you'd mention once in a while that long range forecasts are highly speculative. If you are really brave, you could give us a rating of your forecasts for the previous seven days. A Washington, DC meteorologist at Fox 5 always did that and I thought it was a refreshing bit of honesty.

Oh, and on the subject of being number one: As entertainment, what KPTV does is fine; it comes across as a mash-up of Entertainment Tonight, Hard Copy and Real TV. Your show is flashy and entertaining but it still needs a lot more hard news in the mix to be called a legitimate news show. And you do call it news, so there is work to be done. You are a citizen of the United States of America, not just an entertainer, and as a citizen you need to start caring about what you are feeding to voters. End of lecture.

*National Night Out is this coming Tuesday. So go out and, uh, do stuff. 44 million people participated last year in this continent-wide meaningless gesture.

War On Terror (again?)

*The Civil Air Patrol is participating in drills. I can't decide whether that means that we're in so much trouble that the real, professional military needs civilian help or that we're in so little trouble that the military is letting the wannabes have some fun playing G.I. Joe.

*There was a Muslim Peace Rally in downtown Portland. The participants then shouted "There is no God but Allah" and blew themselves up. (That joke courtesy of my wife. Send your complaints and threats of jihad to her. Thank you.)

*Some guy with a keen understanding of government purchasing procedures has invented a $300,000 "bomb sniffer" in a suitcase. The piece showed him with his laptop computer which displayed the phoniest-looking graphics since Lost In Space went off the air. Seriously, it was the kind of thing you'd expect to see in an old James Bond movie. Hokey! Anyway, you set his magic suitcase next to a suspicious piece of luggage and it "bombards it with neutrons" if I remember correctly. Then it contacts Scientology Headquarters, I think. (I made that last part up.) I for one will not be shocked if this thing eventually turns out to be a complete fake. If you think that government agencies never fall for quackery, read this: http://www.randi.org/jr/09-10-2000.html as just one example.

Hollywood Buzz

*"KPTV's Adam Housley" told us that "has-beens" like Pauly Shore and Bobby Brown are being reincarnated in new "reality" shows. Although the tone of this piece was semi-sarcastic about the trend, it also contained a healthy plug for the new Fox Reality Channel. Personally, I think that the use of the words "Fox" and "reality" in the same sentence represents the opening of the Seventh Seal and means that the Day of Reckoning is upon us.

*Although we got some "You won't believe..." type hype for the next story, it amounted to nothing but a very short puff piece about the Grand Opening of the new Dukes of Hazzard movie. Would you all please help me with an experiment? I want to spread the rumor that all the characters in the D of H movie die at the end in the hope that that will prevent the filming of a sequel. Tell this lie to all your friends and if you have a website, please print this fake "spoiler" there. Preventing a Dukes of Hazzard 2 is the greatest thing we can do for our fellow man. Remember, as Margaret Cho (or was it Ann-Margret?) said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

*Lastly, the 99W Drive-in in Newberg is threatened with closure. It seems that development in the town is causing too much light to spill on the screen, making it difficult to watch a movie. The guy who is building a development next to the theater says he is willing to help by putting up a 40-foot high wall next to the property.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*According to sploid.com, "Uzbekistan has reportedly given the U.S. six months to move out of a key base used for operations in Afghanistan. A Pentagon spokesman said the U.S. was ‘evaluating the note to see exactly what it means'." Yeah, 'cause that was pretty ambiguous.

*Hello? Tenth planet discovered in our solar system. Major astronomical event. Hello?

*Wendy's International Inc. on Friday said its board approved a plan to sell up to 18 percent of its Tim Horton's doughnut chain in an initial public offering. Hey, wanna know why Wendy's hamburgers are square? It's because square burgers stick out from the round buns, making them appear larger to the buyer. (Why do I know stuff like that?)

*13 year-old Majelique Lewis is missing after going to the bathroom during the seventh-inning stretch in Yankee Stadium. A search of the entire stadium and the surrounding neighborhood failed to find the boy. This story hits home for me because I worked for the Yankees from 1971 to 1979. The boy is said to have no mental or emotional problems and has never run away in the past. By the way, if this story was covered by KPTV's "news" show during the sports segment, I apologize. I haven't seen any mention of it during the non-sports portion of the show.

Friday, July 29, 2005

I figured out why last night's KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show was such a bloodfest. It was produced by Rob Zombie. Tonight's show was no House of 1000 Corpses, but it had its moments.

Top Story: There was a stabbing "near" a MAX station. I put "near" in quotes because, although they hyped this story that way, from what we saw, this unfortunate incident had nothing to do with the MAX system. They might as well have billed it as "Stabbing Near An ATM." I mean, there was almost certainly one pretty close, right? Anyhoo, it happened in Hillsboro (and don't you think It Happened In Hillsboro would make a good title for a movie?) at S.E. 10th and Oak. 6 people who may or may not be gang members were involved in a fight and 1 of them ended up dead. Kevin Coari was On The Scene. There's something I can't quite put my finger on about that dude's eyebrows. I'll figure it out eventually.

The Portland Police Bureau, having solved every other crime-related problem in the Rose City, staged a prostitution sting in the Southeast part of town. We got the requisite hide-the-details shots of the faces of the undercover femme cops. Jamie Wilson, who looked freshly made-up, was On The Scene.

Tyler Lupoli, former 24/7 Gym employee and alleged sex abuser, is possibly going to face new charges. The cops now say he had more victims than were previously known about.

Ward Weaver's son, who isn't really his son (Ward has a complicated life) was found not guilty of whatever the hell it was he was accused of. Some form of theft, I believe.

Because the perception of being a place where people get murdered willy-nilly is bad for business and tourism, the Portland Police have added extra patrols and a mobile command center to downtown PDX.

Call me wacky, but wouldn't a time of increased crime (assuming that crime really is on the rise) be the wrong time to cut the police budget? Maybe it's one of those "thinking outside the box" things but the Portland police force has been cut by 100 cops.

Fox 12's Most Wanted: Allen Collins, Jr. is a bad little criminal. He hasn't reported in to his parole officer.

There's been a rash of car break-ins near 119th and Cornell in Washington County. Time to lay off some sheriffs?

Break.

What the hell is going on with Yamhill County? Used to be, you could go months without seeing a mention of Yamhill on KPTV's "news" show. These days, it's Ground Zero for unsettling and/or unusual crime. Tonight's dealie was about cattle rustling. Somebody's stealing cows from the Davis brothers and they're kind of pissed about it. 14 head have gone bye-bye lately and one of the Davises [?] said that the only way that could be happening was that someone had a big truck and was putting the cows in and driving away. The only way, Mr. Davis? What about UFO's? Never heard of The Greys? David Wilson was in News Control, which is where I think the saucers are operated out of. Yes, I am wearing my tin foil hat. Why do you ask?

Meth Watch

*Big bust in Seaside. It was on a tourist. Ha! I kill me. Actually, the Bartletts, Linda and Rob to their friends, were taken off to the hoosgow. Seaside is for lovers, not meth, you silly Bartletts.

*The Combat Meth Act passed in the House of Representatives (not a Rob Zombie movie) on Friday. It's supposed to give the states a steaming heap of money to fight meth abuse. We'll see.

OK, we now know how that Marion County sheriff managed to shoot himself with his own gun. As he was getting out of his cop car, a string on his clothing (windbreaker perhaps?) got tangled in the trigger and pulled it. It's funny in the abstract but I'll bet it hurt like a sum'bitch.

The death of the youth group member hiking near Silver Falls has been determined to have been a drowning.

Aloha's Bruce Walrod, of whom we've heard in the recent past, has been charged with buying alcohol for underage teens. Back in the 70's in the Bronx, I was widely regarded as an asshole because I wouldn't buy beer for younger kids. I bet you wish you were me now, huh, Bruce Walrod.

According to an official-looking guy in a uniform, many of the drownings in Multnomah County annually are due to drinking. Official-looking guys are rarely wrong, especially when they're in uniform. It's just how the universe works.

A house fire at 28th and F in Vancouver, Washington wiped the joint out to an estimated loss of $220,000. Ouch.

Illegal fireworks caused a fire in Salem. No injuries.

War On Terror

*Cutbacks mean that PDX will lose 170 screeners and related personnel. Feel safer yet?

*Brandon Mayfield's challenge to the Patriot Act has been greenlighted (as they say in Hollywood). He's the guy who was accused of being connected to the bombings in Spain despite the fact that he hadn't been there in years. Hey, you convert to Islam, you take your chances in NuAmerica. (joke!)

Break.

So, uh, what's this new thing with seperating the War On Terror and War On Terror/London Terror segments? Anyway, it's time for War On Terror/London Terror.

*The Brits just kick ass, don't they? They made more arrests in the London bombing case. 3 more people are in custody, plus another 1 in Rome. Maybe we should outsource the search for binLaden to Scotland Yard? This was funny: As we saw an eyewitness talking about the cops raiding a house to make the arrests, a Chyron identifying him as "Wayne Garcia" popped up momentarily.

Fight For Iraq

*Another car went BOOM! in Iraq. Insert your own Pinto joke here.

*We saw pictures of Saddam Hussein in court. He repeated his "This trial is a sham and the Iraqi government is a puppet of America" schtick. I don't know about the trial but he's kinda on target with the "puppet" thing, don't you think? By the way, Saddam is all cleaned up now and looking kind of avuncular (good word, look it up).

Break.

We must be getting ever closer to the mid-term elections. The House gave Oregon $2.7 billion for transportation expenses, $200 million of which is earmarked for repairs to bridges on I-5. Oh great, I-5 is going to be screwed up 24/7 with work crews! Thanks a lot, House of Representatives!

Fire Season 2005: There's a wildfire near Klamath Falls. Another fire near a tiger sanctuary is now 50% contained. Yet a third fire near Wall Lake has consumed 32 acres so far and is also 50% contained.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*A bus and a truck had a confrontation on a highway in Connecticut. A fire started and eventually 20 cars were involved in the shebang. 4 people are now dead.

*That big ol' chemical plant fire in Fort Worth continued into today. No casualties.

*We saw video of a 2-alarm fire in Houston.

*The body of a missing man was found in Georgia. He's been missing for a couple of weeks now, although his wife never reported it. She has now apparently skipped town.

*A 10 year-old boy was sitting in his house when a bullet came through the wall and struck him. The cops think it was a simple case of "wrong place, wrong time."

*The police arrested a woman over an unpaid $10 ticket. She's less than amused about the incident, especially as the ticket was actually issued to her daughter. Everybody's for "zero tolerance" until it bites them in the ass. Wanna bet she sues?

*In Hoboken, New Jersey, the usual gaggle of irrational magical thinkers believes that a ratty-looking statue of Jesus has come to life. They swear that its right eye, which is closed, opened by itself. Uh huh. If you believe that such a thing is even possible, please pay close attention to what I'm about to say. Not even Jesus Christ, who is said to have died for the sins of mankind because he loved us so much, wants anything to do with friggin' Hoboken, New Jersey!

*The Red Wing shoe company unveiled the World's Largest Boot in Minnesota. It looked about 10 feet long to me, which is how big a foot I wish I had to kick the ass of whoever made the decision to waste valuable airtime on this stupid publicity stunt.

*Scientists have come up with a new way to reduce the noise of a plane landing at an airport. It involves a steeper approach to the runway. Kevin Coari, who still has weird eyebrows, was the voice-over on this story which appeared to have been initially produced by a Washington, D.C. station, based on the references to Reagan National Airport.

*Daniel Gardner, the burglar from last night's story, is now said to have gone door-to-door in the neighborhood where he staged his little snatch 'n' grab. We saw his parole officer at his computer with the map of where Danny wandered (thanks to his GPS ankle bracelet).

Hollywood Buzz

*Stop the presses! Nicole Ritchie will be back on The Simple Life. She and Paris Hilton had a much-publicized falling-out (assuming the whole thing isn't a publicity stunt, that is), leading people with no life of their own to conclude that Nicole "I have no discernable talent" Ritchie was off the show permanently.

*Julia Roberts is going to Broadway to star in a show titled No One Gives A Fuck: The Musical.

*In a last minute effort to snatch the show from teetering into Real News World, the next story was about how much caffeine is in some coffee. Kimberly Maus (which means "mouse" in German) told us that coffee averages 100-200 milligrams of caffeine per 8 ounces. Folger's, for some reason, has 300 milligrams. So when does Oregon make you get a prescription to buy Folger's? Folger's decaf has more caffeine than other brands, too.

Lastly, the Brewers Festival is in Tom McCall Park this weekend. 50,000 people who have convinced themselves that if they drink microbrews they are "enthusiasts," not drunks, are expected to attend.

And with that, the Final Cut and the Countdown Clock shuddered to a halt.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*1 roller coaster car hit another at Disney's California Adventure, hurting 60 people. The real surprise in this story is that there were 60 people in Disney's California Adventure at one time.

*Astronomers say they have found a tenth planet in our solar system, way beyond Pluto. Astrologists are working overtime to figure out an excuse for why this doesn't absolutely prove that their nonsense is nonsense.

*Speaking of irrelevant douchebags, Jesse Jackson is pissed because ESPN's "50 States in 50 Days" promotion doesn't include the District of Columbia. Uh, maybe because it isn't a state? Just guessing.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Hey, for those of you who have defended KPTV's "news" show on the grounds that it's "what the audience wants," you might want to check this out: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3449870/ . It's about that very subject. Finish reading this blog entry, then take a walk over there to read it.

OK, let's move on. What's the old saying? "It's funny till someone loses an eye." In that case, Don Denniston isn't laughing much these days. Denniston, from Vancouver, tried to deal with some rowdy kids about 11 PM Tuesday night. In response, the misguided youths attacked him, stabbing him in the eye with a stick. No more eye. I thought Denniston was surprisingly upbeat for a guy who just lost a vital organ, but I guess that's just me. His neighbor "David" was the one who called 911. Jamie Wilson was in News Control for this story.

The investigation of the murder of Jessica Koons in Greaham is continuing. Christopher Jones, her boyfriend, is the suspect.

That King City cop who is accused of sex abuse has entered a charge of "not guilty."

Well, it didn't take too long tonight to get a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment. It came in the context of a story about a rape in North Portland. James Gassner is the alleged perpetrator about whom the comment was made. A friend turned Gassner in to the Man. David Frietas/Freitas was On The Scene, as he is wont to be.

Sheesh, is KPTV deliberately covering the goriest stories they can find to make it hard for me to crack jokes tonight? Next we got more about that shooting at a sports bar from last night. The uncle of the murdered victim was pretty articulate while talking about how people automatically assume that any minority person involved in a violent crime is a gang member. He said his nephew had no connection to gang activity.

The Wheel O' Violence continued to spin with a story about a grand jury saying that the cop in the officer-involved shooting back in May didn't do anything wrong.

Ah, finally some comic relief. A Marion County sheriff was shot by his own gun as he got out of his car. Actually, that isn't that funny, is it? Hey, news director, take your finger off the "gore" button, will you?

I didn't realize that Beaverton straps those GPS ankle bracelets on low-risk offenders released from jail. They do though, which is how Dummy McStupid, known to his friends as Daniel Gardner, got caught. He allegedly went into an old lady's house through the front door and looked for stuff to steal. She told him to get out and he did, politely closing the door behind him as he left. Old Lady called the cops and gave them a description. His parole officer checked the GPS info and determined that yes, McStupid, oops, Gardner, WAS at the lady's house at the time she reported. Danny's back in the Greybar Hotel. Hilary Hutcheson, whose part is still on the left and still slightly jagged, was the "reporter" on this story.

A youth group was hiking in the Silver Falls area. One of the kids, a 14 year-old ended up dead. Shit, we're not even to the first commercial break yet and I'm going to have to go back on Prozac if the body count doesn't ease up.

A man hit his head underwater at Dabney State Park. He was pulled onto land and CPR was performed on him. He's in critical condition in the hospital.

Thank God a break came up!

Meth Watch. Hey, everybody, it's Tracy Matthews again! Ol' Trace is accused of trading meth for sex with underage girls. The cops say he used a 15 year-old to recruit other girls for his little Swap Meet. Oh, this was semi-entertaining: Kevin Coari went to the motel where Matthews lived to give us an "exclusive look" at his room.

And what an eye-opener that was! Did you know that motel rooms have a bed, a table with a phone on it, a couple of chairs and a TV set? Wow! In other words, it looked like every damn motel room you've ever seen in your life. Even if there was something in Matthews' room that would be interesting to see, according to Coari, the manager cleaned up the place after Matthews was taken away and replaced the furnishings. So the stuff we saw wasn't even the same stuff Matthews had when he lived in the room! Do they actually pay Kevin Coari to produce pointless crap like that?

Hey Kev, next time, you can save yourself the trip to Klamath Falls and go to the Motel 6 in Lincoln City. So long as you explain that it isn't the actual room used by the accused, I think you're covered legally. Plus, you can kill some time at the Indian casino while you're in town. The slots aren't exactly "loose" but the soda is free.

The officials have contacted 14 victims of an alleged ID theft ring run out of OSU.

[Honestly, I'm trying to be funny tonight. They just aren't giving me much to work with.]

A suspicious fire in Boring (now officially the Most Misnamed Town in Oregon) was the 2nd in the past several days at the same location.

A fire in Canby caused the complete loss of a home.

[Hmm, maybe if I add exclamation points after every story, it will help.]

Toxic fumes at a lumber mill in Gaston!!!

Chemical spill in North Portland caused no injuries!!!

[nope, not helping]

Northwest Tonight

*There is an Amber Alert in effect for a woman and her missing kids in Federal Way, Washington.

*A man seems to have gone loco and was shot by rangers at Crater Lake which, by the way, is the Number One tourist attraction in Oregon. By some accounts, the cheese factory in Tillamook is either the Number Two or Three attraction in the state, which just shows that this state needs a water park badly.

*The waitress and a co-worker who spotted the kidnapped girl in an Idaho Denny's are splitting the reward. Unfortunately, the reward is a Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity breakfast.

*Some big company which bought a bunch of other companies that ran regional department store chains will soon convert all of them, including the Meier and Frank stores, to Macy's. Ever seen the Macy's Thanksgiving parade on TV? I actually worked at that store for 16 months after I graduated from high school. I even got to play a giant rabbit in the parade; I was with a float that Don Ho was on. Ah, memories!

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror

*2 dozen arrests have been made by Scotland Yard in connection with the recent bombings in London. One of them is the alleged mastermind, although I have my suspicions, given that the U.S. has arrested four, I think, "Number Three" Al Qaeda guys so far. "KPTV's Amy Kellogg" brought us this story. You know, Amy Kellogg from KPTV's London bureau. Hey, stop laughing.

Fight For Iraq

*10 people were killed in a suicide bombing in Baghdad. Them's some "last throes," huh?

*Will America be able to pull a substantial number of troops out of Iraq by next summer? Well, we could but didn't we claim that we'd hang in there until the Iraqis were able to defend themselves? Golly, could our new "timetable" have anything to do with the mid-term elections in Fall '06? Nah 'cause that would be incredibly cynical.

*Just to add even more confusion to the situation, now we're told that the new Iraqi constitution may be delayed by 6 months. Same goes for their elections. Would anyone care to bet that Iraq doesn't collapse into civil war if we pull our troops out next year?

Break.

War On Terror

*Hey, why wasn't this segment alongside the London Terror variant as usual? Dunno. Doesn't really matter as this story didn't really qualify as anything other than a big sloppy blowjob for an advertiser. Papa Murphy's, spotting a chance to get some goodwill out of a friggin' WAR, is giving one free pizza per month for a year to the families of National Guard members. Gee, can they spare it? If you lose a limb over there, do they give you free Crazy Bread for life?

Seriously, KPTV News Director: stop letting your sales department dictate the content of your "news" show. I know they shit-canned your last general manager because of low revenue, but seriously dude, it's embarassing to watch you whore yourself and your "news" show out like this. What's next, are you going to have your "reporters" eat Papa Murphy's pizza on camera while they talk? Here's a thought: you could have that Blaine guy who gives away the radar detectors be a "reporter" for you.

The Space Shuttle (or Space Pinto, a reference from yesterday that cracked my wife up) did a belly roll so that the camera on the International Space Station could get a peek at the underside. NASA says it looks OK for re-entry although they now admit that not 1, not 2, but 3 pieces of tile hit it on takeoff. Who has been saying all along that this thing is scarier than waiting for the results of Paris Hilton's AIDS test? Me, that's who.

Yuppie Alert! Some overpriced treadmills have been recalled. There are 110 reports of them accelerating unexpectedly. Remember, any lawsuit you file based on that would be "frivolous" (and we can't have that, now can we?)

A scientific study has shown that, despite people's belief to the contrary, echinacea does NOT cure colds. Nyah nyah. Because no one in America believes in that crazy "science" stuff anymore, for balance we heard from some woman who runs a "health" store. She said that she has never had a customer who has told her that echinacea didn't work for them. So, there you go. I mean, if anecdotal accounts aren't at least the equivalent of "science," what kind of world are we making for our children, I ask you. Science, schmience, I say.

The promo for the next story told us that politicians were about to "give us more hours in our day." As I've always been under the impression that the length of a day on Earth was determined by the speed of our planet's rotation, I anxiously anticipated this story. Turns out that Congress is going to extend Daylight Savings Time. It will now start three weeks earlier and continue until Halloween. I trust I do not need to explain to you that this doesn't really add any time to the day but merely changes the number on your clocks and watches. This incredibly stupid idea is touted as "energy-saving." *cough* Bullshit! *cough*

Next week the Secretary of the Treasury will announce a new plan to help the economy. Every American will be issued a Sharpie and instructed to cross out the denomination on their currency, replacing it with a number five times as large. Ones will now be fives, tens will become fifties, making everyone in the U.S. five times as wealthy as before. Faith-based economics!

Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

*A robbery at a porn store in Nashville was Caught On Camera.

*A SWAT team in Indianapolis used some explosives to nab a hostage taker...and it was Caught On Camera.

*KPTV finally did the story about the politician who killed himself in the lobby of the Miami Herald building. I busted their balls yesterday about missing this story. Yay for me!

*Next, they did a story about the non-white, non-blonde woman from Philly who has been missing for almost two weeks now. I also busted their balls for missing this story yesterday. I'm two for two tonight!

*That Boy Scout Jamboree in Bowling Green, Virginia is just friggin' cursed! While waiting for George W. Bush to show up, 30 more people suffered heat stroke. Those were on top of the many other instances of heat-related problems so far PLUS the four deaths the other day.

*Uh oh, Shauna mentioned this being the "Summer of the Shark" again. That was because a girl was attacked in shallow water in Daytona Beach, Florida, although a person shown in the story said that this sort of thing was "common" this time of year. I think "Summer of Pathetic Sensationalism" is more appropriate.

*A mother in Gary, Indiana drove her SUV into a bridge. As a result, her child, who wasn't wearing a restraint, flew out the window, fell into the river below and was swept away. The mother has been charged with negligence.

*An inflatable house amusement attraction collapsed in Florida because several kids were on its staircase. I'd make a joke here about the "housing bubble bursting" if I could think of one.

*A chemical plant exploded in Fort Worth, Texas. Hey, Shauna, maybe it's the Summer of Chemical Plant Explosions? Catchy, no?

*A 5-alarm fire involved a medical building in Sacramento.

*New departmental policy says that Houston cops have to cover their tattoos while in uniform or face firing. Undercover cops are exempt from this though, while not in uniform. Got that?

World Tonight

*There was a suspicious fire in Athens. That's in Greece. Which is on the Mediterranean. Which is an ocean. To the right of the U.S. on the globe.

*A tornado, an unusual event in Birmingham, England, caused havoc.

*Ah, now we got the Big Gotcha Story of the Night. David Frietas/Freitas was in the KPTV "news" van to tell us about a local recycling company which may not have been doing much actual recycling. According to Oregon Public Broadcasting, which seemed to be where KPTV got the story from, the company only recycled paper, dropping off the other stuff at the dump. Tsk tsk. I have now completely lost my faith in those blue trash cans.

Hollywood Buzz

*Russell Crowe is making a new movie. The working title is Who The Fuck Cares?

*Mel Gibson, having lost all sense of reality because of the success of The Passion of the Christ, plans to make another self-financed movie. This one is set 500 years in the past and will feature dialogue entirely in a Mayan language. No, I am not making that up! Mel, if this is the result of a bet you made while shit-faced in a bar, no one will be mad if you back out gracefully.

*Alanis Morissette and some other sincere anti-corporate rock stars will be featured in some new ads for the Gap, a national chain of Mom and Pop-operated clothing stores.

*Hey, remember that American Idol contestant who says that he made the Beast With Two Backs with Paula Abdul? The Fox network has hired an independent council to investigate the accusation. See, since American Idol is technically a game show, laws on the books since the Game Show Scandal of the 1950's say that it has to be run honestly. Sleeping with a contestant would tend to make a person think that Abdul, a judge on the show, had, let's say, a "rooting interest" in the outcome of the competition. Why hasn't the FCC jumped all over this already?

*Next, we got a story about new robots supposedly inspired by cockroaches, intended to go into burning buildings to look for anyone trapped inside. Yeah, it's an interesting piece of technology, but this story had the feel of being included to stretch out the Final Cut segment.

*There's a Christian Videogame Conference being held right now in Portland. Yawn. You know those games have to suck, seeing as how they couldn't possibly include any sex or violence.

*More magazine has been conducting a model search for women age 40 and older. There will be more about this on Friday morning on Good Day, Oregon. Someone should start a MILF beauty contest just to see if unsuspecting TV "news" shows and newspapers would do a story on it, not realizing what the acronym stands for.

*Last and certainly least, Wayne Garcia was a guest on the afternoon show on 105.1, The Buzz on Thursday. As a former radio air personality, I can say that I'm absolutely certain that the interview was scintillating. Boxers or briefs, Wayne?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*John Bolton, President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, mistakenly told Congress he had not been interviewed or testified in any investigation over the past five years, the State Department said Thursday. Turns out he testified to the grand jury in the Valarie Plame investigation. Hey, it could happen to anyone! I wish I had a dime for every time I've forgotten that I testified before a grand jury.

*Senator Bill Frist breaks with Bush over stem cell research funding by the Feds. Bush is agin' it. Frist is now fer it.

*More than 500 people have been killed by a monsoon in India. Eh, if you can't get there on a Max train, fuck 'em!

*According to the Army's surgeon general, a survey of troops returning from the Iraq war found 30 percent had developed mental health problems three to four months after coming home, the Army’s surgeon general said Thursday, insuring a rash of "Iraq vet shoots up town" stories in the future on KPTV.

*Reuters says "Exxon Mobil Corp., the world's largest publicly traded oil company, posted a 32 percent jump in quarterly profit on Thursday, as a relentless surge in crude oil prices and higher refining margins helped offset a hit from lower production." With that kind of profit, could they at least give the pump jockeys clean rags to wipe off my damn windshild with? But hey, the energy bill just passed by Congress consists almost entirely of big tax breaks and other giveaways to Exxon Mobil and the other big oil companies, so maybe now they can finally just buy the whole country and be done with it.

*Remember the Good Old Days when politicians at least had the courtesy to be discreet with their corruption? Check this out: http://www.yubanet.com/artman/publish/article_23241.shtml

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

One of these days, I'm going to simply give in to my almost irresistable urge to do an entire posting in Pig Latin. Today, however, is not that day, my friends.

Top Story: 47 year-old Bruce Walrod allegedly was a frequent visitor to a phone chat room (they still have those?) While on a sojourn there, he allegedly promised two girls, 13 and 15, that he would meet them in an Aloha park and give them beer. The cops say he did and, go figure, stuff like that is illegal. One of the girls' moms showed us that she had Walrod's name and phone number on her phone's Called ID. Sheesh, Bruce, cover your tracks, dopey. Hilary Hutcheson was On The Scene in Aloha to tell us about all this. Her part is now on the left and is crooked.

A guy accused of peeping was nabbed early Wednesday morning. The cops, answering a complaint, found him walking along a nearby railroad track. Since no one could positively ID the guy, all the cops could charge him with was trespassing.

A patient at the State Nuthouse in Salem has gone AWOL. I drove past there on Wednesday afternoon. Ever seen that shack? One day on the inside of that haunted house and you'd break out, too.

Meth Watch. David Frietas/Freitas/whatever was in News Control to tell us about a meth bust in a trailer park in Astoria earlier this week. The video of the place just screamed "White Trash." They must have found some knives and stuff there, too, 'cause Davey Boy had a knife as his prop for this story.

Did Victoria Gould critically hurt her son? That's the suspicion.

There was a shooting at 29th and G Streets in Vancouver. The victim is expected to be OK. I loved the name of the eyewitness: Chache Perez. As in Joannie Loves...?

A body was found in Salem. It was so decomposed that the gender couldn't be determined. Or as they say in those on-line chat rooms KPTV loves so much, "MorF?"

The next story was one of those semi-misleading pieces KPTV likes to scare their viewers with. It started off implying that there was an unusual increase in violent crime over the past few weeks. As the story progressed, I was yelling at the TV (yeah, I do that), "Doesn't the violent crime rate go up every summer in cities?" Lo and behold, the cop who was featured in the story said that the violent crime rate goes up every summer in Portland. Duh. So, the whole story, as presented by Jamie Wilson, was essentially a big nothing.

Fire Season 2005. A wildfire has started in a clover field in Banks. David Wilson was in the studio (on tape?) to inform us of this fact.

A fire along I-205 was determined to have been started by a car. And now you know.

Break.

Remember Randy Pope, the guy who was convicted recently in Lincoln County of molesting at least 9 boys and who kept videotapes of his victims? The creepy bastard who lured the boys with pot and meth was sentenced to 53 years in jail while one of his victims was in the courtroom to watch. Even Pope's sister said that he needed to be out of civilization for a while.

James Gassner is also accused of sexual assault. As hard as KPTV works to give the impression that this sort of thing is wildly out of control, I'd really love to see some actual statistics.

There was a 2-alarm fire somewhere or other.

We got to hear the 911 call about that murder-suicide in Dallas from Tuesday. It was as creepy as you'd imagine.

Dean Schwartzmiller (from earlier this week) had his hearing moved. Justice may grind slowly, my friend, but it grinds exceedingly fine.

Alabama wants to strap GPS monitors on the ankles of sex offenders and make them wear them for five years. Isn't that what they do to endangered animals in the wild? Yeah, I know, what's my point?

Northwest Tonight

*An alleged stabber was arrested in Idaho.

*The guy we mentioned the other day who wanted to blow up the ferry in Washington state was sentenced to 22 years in jail. I didn't have to say "allegedly" because he's been convicted. So there. He was ratting out some other alleged would-be-blowers-uppers-of-people but the deal ran out so off he goes to the pokey.

War On Terror/London Terror

*The Brits have arrested a Somali man. They say he was involved in the unsuccessful bombings last week in London. This story gave us our first-ever "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment by a non-American. Oooh, milestone!

Fight For Iraq

*Just in time for the mid-term election season, tens of thousands of troops may come home from Iraq next Spring. The Bush administration is now claiming that the Iraqi troops are well on the way to being able to defend their own country without U.S. assistance. This claim directly contradicts a recent report that says that only 3 batallions (out of a needed 107) are ready for battle.

Breaking News. There's been a homicide in North Portland. More later.

Break.

A new instance of mad cow disease has been found. As I read later on the Internet, the sick cow was actually discovered last Fall, but the scientist who found it lost his notes or some lame excuse for not revealing the discovery sooner. Anyway, supposedly, the cow didn't enter the food chain so therefore there is no threat to the eating public.

3 teenage hikers from West Linn were lost near Multnomah Falls but they managed to find their way out of the woods today. One of them made the most of his 15 seconds of fame by cracking wise about how he wished they had more sushi to eat while they were the next prospective Natalee Holloways.

Break.

So, uh, did I tell you the Space Shuttle was a piece of shit with a rocket strapped to its ass or what? The thingie that fell off it during launch was a TILE. You know, a TILE, like what fell off the last one, two years ago. The one that went BOOM. Because of this, the Shuttle fleet has been indefinitely grounded. Small consolation to the astronauts who are floating around the Earth in that friggin' Space Pinto.

A billboard hawking beer has been taken down because of controversy. This story didn't make a lot of sense because the video of the actual billboard didn't come up, rendering the copy Wayne Garcia was forced to read incomprehensible.

Jim Hyde was in Waterfront Park, where an Oregon Brewers' Celebration is being held. As you may be aware, Oregon has a shitload of microbreweries. Jim made a point of talking about people bringing their small children to the festival. See, kids, alcoholism isn't a disease if you only drink difficult-to-obtain, expensive Yuppie beer with some fruity shit mixed into it! It's more of an...addiction-related hobby.

Weather. Break.

Back from the break, I loved how Shauna told us that tonight's Final Cut/News Across America was "full of bad decisions."

*A Big Lots semi was hanging over the edge of an elevated highway in Texas.

*Some stupid woman got herself shit-faced and thought it would be a bad idea to drive home. OK, so far, so good. The hilarity started when she had her 10 year-old daugher drive instead. The girl promptly drove into a house. This all happened in Albuquerque, which is fun to type.

*Missing blonde Natalee Holloway is Back In The News, Baby! A pond in Aruba was drained because someone said they saw a couple of young men hanging around it on the night Natalee disappeared. I take it they found nothing or we would have heard, right? In the course of this story, we got a quick look at a poster offering a million dollars for information leading to her recovery. I knew her folks were well-to-do, but they have THAT kind of dough?

*Some out-of-touch person in Miami city government thought it would be a Kumbyah-bringing-everyone-together kind of thing to promote a "Ghetto Party" complete with a watermelon-eating contest. Some people of the Negro persuasion found this upsetting. Go figure. I guess they just forgot to schedule the penis-measuring contest.

*Speaking of fuck-ups, some new road signs in Massachusetts have an outline of Alabama on them. I kind of like the concept of Massabama.

*Some guy is advertising for a bride on a billboard in Madison, Wisconsin. Five bucks says it turns out to be a radio station promotion of some kind.

*A little boy in Hillsboro saw his cat carried off and killed by a neighbor's dogs. Since the attack didn't involve a human, the neighbor got his dog back. The boy and his mom are understandably upset about this.

Breaking News. This was about the homicide from earlier. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene to tell us that cops were now there (Vancouver and Fremont in North Portland). There are no suspects yet.

Ah, to wrap things up tonight, we got an I-Team Report. Keri Tomlinson was in News Control, having apparently evicted David Frietas/Freitas (I do think she could whip his ass in a fair slap fight). Turns out a guy named Earl William Knott was a guest in the State Cuckoo Lockup in Salem (the same one I drove past on Wednesday). Well, Earl has his good days (manic) and his bad days (depressive). His hobby, when in his manic phase, involved running an ad in the Oregonian seeking a realtor.

Rian Muleback took the bait, not knowing Old Earl was a resident in Wacky Town. Knott got him to reveal his Social Security number. Knott claimed he was related to the Knott's Berry Farm people (he isn't, according to Keri).

Under the law, patients are allowed to use a payphone at the hospital, which Knott did in the course of his cons. "Erica," a former friend of his, says he loves real estate (and who among us doesn't?) He also had business cards describing him as "scamster." Well, he's honest!

Knott, who declined to talk on camera, is now out of the nuthouse and is in county jail.

The Final Cut ended 6 seconds early. Hey, no Hollywood Buzz tonight!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Suspended Miami Commissioner Art Teele fatally shot himself in the head in the lobby of the Miami Herald building late Wednesday afternoon. Although Matt Drudge implied that this had something to do with Teele being mad at "the media," the article he linked to offered no evidence of that.

*President Bush postponed his visit to that Boy Scout Jamboree where 4 scout leaders were electrocuted the other day because of bad weather. He'll show up there on Thursday, barring another delay.

*Speaking of George, American voters disapprove of the job President George W. Bush is doing 53 - 41 percent, his lowest approval rating since becoming President. This compares to a 50 - 44 percent disapproval in a May 25 Quinnipiac University poll. "Quinnipiac," like "Albuquerque," is just fun to type.

*The House passed CAFTA, the Central American Free Trade Agreement, by two votes. Some analysts say this will create many new jobs in the U.S.; others say it will cause a lot of jobs to leave the country. Either way, isn't this more important to the life of the average viewer than a rampaging monkey in Pennsylvania?

*I'm not even going to try to summarize this story. Just go and read it for yourself:
http://www.nbc17.com/news/4773243/detail.html

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Hilary Hutcheson wasn't on tonight's "news" show, nearly causing me to lose the will to live. I'm afraid you'll just have to close your eyes and imagine her peripatetic hair part.

Top Story: Sorry for the pause there. I was waiting for the almost inevitable "Breaking News" but it never came. Let's march forward resolutely. The Top Story was entitled "Child Targeted." A young boy was chasing a cat on the edge of the woods behind his house in Keizer when a man jumped out of the bushes and grabbed him. The kid got away, unharmed. David Frietas/Freitas (the spelling of his last name is kind of the male version of the Hilary Hair Part) was On The Scene to tell us about this collision of boy and weirdo. The boy's mother is now on a mini-crusade to tell all her fellow Keizerians about the Danger Lurking Among Them (as KPTV might label it).

Octogenarian and human bag of waste material Louis Nemnich has been returned to Oregon and finally arraigned. You may remember the creepy ol' sum' bitch from his alleged molestation(s) of a while back.

Hey, speaking of sex abuse, there are charges of that kind against Tyler Lupoli, a gym worker in Hillsboro. Debra Gil, a lovely lady in her own right, I'm sure, but no Hilary, was On The Scene to tell us about how Tyler allegedly made advances on an 8 year-old girl in the gym's daycare center. He's out on bail at the moment.

Despite Shauna Parson's assertion the other day that this is the Summer of the Shark, going by tonight's "news" show it appears to be the Summer of Sex Abuse. Veronica Rodriguez, come on down! You're the next contestant on Alleged Perverts of the Willamette Valley.

Christopher Cook, who was accused of strangling a woman in Vancouver, Washington, has entered a plea of no contest. That means he's conceding that the prosecution has some evidence that might lock his sorry ass up but he isn't admitting guilt. Gotta love the legal system, dontcha?

There was an apparant murder-suicide in Dallas, Oregon. It involved a couple who were not getting along. A neighbor saw the man stumble out the door of the house and die on the sidewalk. And you think you had a bad day! Buy that man a Happy Meal, stat!

Boring, Oregon was anything but on Tuesday. A 42 year-old registered sex offender has moved into town and hilarity ensues. No, sorry, that's the TV Guide description for about 50% of all sit-com episodes ever. What actually happened is that some neighbor of Mr. Pervert took offense to the guy living in town, especially right next to a school. The neighbor responded by printing up some fliers alerting the Boringites to the presence of the ex-con (who has no restrictions on where he is allowed to live) and pasting them up all over God's Creation, or at least the part that falls within the city limits of Boring. Jamie Wilson, who told us that she wouldn't give us the offender's name, was On The Scene.

Break.

Meth Watch. That stupid bill requiring a prescription to buy what used to be over-the-counter cold meds is inching closer to being law in Oregon.

2 people were killed on a camping trip last month. The cops are investigating, focusing on the couple's missing camping gear.

The Portland cops have a mobile precinct that they take around to bad neighborhoods. They are also stepping up patrols in those areas.

A "lucky kitten" was found in the engine compartment of a vehicle. It is now up for adoption in Sherwood. Know what would have been even luckier? Never having been in the engine compartment in the first place.

An absolutely vital story on the rising price of printing digital photos will air on Wednesday morning on Good Day, Oregon.

OK, back to that stupid about-to-be-law requiring a prescription to buy cold meds containing pseudoephedrine. Keri Tomlinson was the "reporter" on the story. She was in Hillsboro, waving her driver's license (with her finger carefully positioned over her personal information) as a prop. The connection, see, is that you'll soon need an ID to buy medicine for your stupid nagging head cold. We got a montage of Men (and Women) On The Street, the majority of whom gave some variation on the old "if it saves one life..." logic in defense of this asinine new restriction.

Northwest Tonight

*Wildfire in Wenatchee, Washington!

*Tight security is expected at the courthouse in Seattle where the trial of the loser who allegedly wanted to blow up a ferry back in '99 is about to begin.

*As previously mentioned on this site, Southwest Airlines wants to move their Seattle-area operations to Boeing Field, claiming that Sea-Tac is inadequate. The Washington legislature is considering yanking Southwest's chain by imposing taxes and stuff on them. That seems unfair--and even possibly illegal.

*Is Bigfoot real? Putting aside for the moment the fact that anyone who has paid even cursory attention to this "story" knows that the answer is "no," some Canadians with too much time and money on their hands are going to test the DNA of some alleged Bigfoot hair found in British Columbia. As the visual for this story, KPTV showed us, for the eleventy-seventh time, that grainy footage of "Bigfoot" walking in the woods. Why should the fact that the guy who paid a friend to wear the Bigfoot costume and walk for his camera has admitted his hoax stop a "news" operation from blowing the dust off that old chestnut one more time?

*Camp Rosenbaum, designed to allow urban kids to have a vacation at the coast, is celebrating it's 25th anniversary of operating in Warrenton.

Break.

The Space Shuttle finally lifted off. Unfortunately, a small part of it fell off. No one at NASA is sure yet exactly what that small part consisted of. Don't misunderstand me, I think the space program is worthwhile, but thanks to budget cutbacks at NASA, that Shuttle is quickly becoming the Yugo of space travel.

War On Terror/London Terror

*A car was seized by the London cops in connection with the recent bombings. It would have been nice if KPTV told us if the car actually turned out to have any connection to them, though. Eh, facts, who needs 'em?

War On Terror

*A suspect in the bombings in Egypt the other day is in custody. DNA testing is being conducted to figure out who the other bombers are.

*Some master keys for the Boston "T" (transit system) are missing. OK, that sounds kind of ominous, but as the story progressed, we got the idea that, basically, a lot of the keys are in the hands of retirees from the system and that this isn't a particularly new problem (or, perhaps, not actually a problem at all).

Oh, by the way, since I know people who work in the KPTV "news" department read this blog, you may be interested to know that the White House has now officially retired the phrase "War On Terror." Yes, I'm serious. It's now called the Global Pillow Fight. No, that part wasn't serious. Time to update the Chyron, people.

Break.

Pump Patrol. Gas in Oregon is averaging $2.41/gallon. In Portland, the average is $2.33. Suck on that, you non-Portlander Oregonians.

Michael Bloomberg, mayor of my ancestral home, New York City, is supporting the idea of hybrid vehicles being used as taxi cabs. Ever ridden in a New York cab? Your knees are up against your chin as it is. They start using Hondas and you'll have to stand up through the sunroof to ride in the damn things.

Fire Season 2005. There are currently 6, count 'em, 6, wildfires in Oregon at the moment.

Storm Team 12 drafted Wayne Garcia to tell us that, back East, it's hotter than Hillary Clinton watching a Girls Gone Wild DVD. "KPTV's Bill Persad [sp?]" was on hand, via the magic of videotape, to show us a bunch of sweaty people. Now that's good television!

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*We saw helicopter footage of a car chase in L.A. where a day without a car chase Caught On Camera is like a day without sunshine. The bad guy made a right turn at high speed but the cop chasing him couldn't follow and crashed into a store on the corner. Johnny Law is OK and the bad guy was caught.

*Next we saw surveillance camera footage of a gang-related shooting at a Fort Worth, Texas gas station.

*4 Boy Scout leaders are dead after their tent (big kind, not a puptent thing) touched some electrical wires at a Jamboree in Bowling Green, Virginia. OK, funny story about Bowling Green: A few years back, I was living not terribly far away from there (although I had never been to Bowling Green proper). I read a story about a new radio station licensed to the town. Hoping to get a job there, I drove to the town with my wife in tow.

When we got to Bowling Green, I went into a local convenience store and asked the girl behind the counter where the radio station was. She told me, "I didn't know there was a radio station in town." Now, lest you think that she was just, uh, what's the word I want here? oh yeah, STUPID, try as I might, I couldn't find a single person in all of Bowling Green who knew that the station existed, let alone where it might be. Why do I get the feeling that they would have loved KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show?

*There was a bear attack in Plano, Texas--or was it Anchorage, Alaska. See, Wayne said it was in Anchorage, but the Chyron insisted on Plano. Easy mistake to make, seeing as they're right down the road from each other.

*A plane hit an SUV in Delaware. Authorities are investigating why the SUV was at 10,000 feet. No, silly, I'm just kidding in that way that I have. The SUV was only at 5,000 feet. Wrong again. The SUV was on the ground as was the plane.

*A jet ski-related Rescue At Sea in Nassau, Bahamas was Caught On Camera. Remember children, if it isn't Caught On Camera, it hasn't really happened.

*An 8 year-old girl is missing and it is feared that a man whom her family allowed to live in their home has abducted her to Mexico. Her understandably distraught Mom was shown, asking the girl to come home, which struck me as sort of silly, seeing as the child almost certainly wouldn't be in control of that.

*The suspect in the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart--remember her, the pretty young white girl kidnapee du jour of a few years ago?--has been ruled incompetent to stand trial at the moment.

*20 months ago, the cops chased a guy who promptly ran into a woman's car. Jim Hyde was in Beaverton to tell us how the woman is still kind of shook up about the incident, seeing as she has to drive past the spot almost every day. The perpetrator got 145 months in jail, an odd sentence, says me.

*The Mars candy company is working with some pharmaceutical companies to develop medicines out of cocoa. Something about flavenols (which sounds like a word Professor Frink on the Simpsons would say).

*Next we got a story that had been ballyhooed through the show. It was something or other about using natural hormones to "turn back the clock" on aging. I couldn't make head nor ass out of it, other than to glean the alleged fact that synthetic hormones are bad for you and natural hormones are good for you.

*In the same vein of encouraging the viewer to see aging as a Communist plot, we got some bullshit about "tighten lasers" whatever the fuck they are which can give you a "1-hour facelift." I suspect that, if the damn things work at all, 1 hour is about how long the facelift will last.

*A patient in the state-run nuthouse in Salem is allegedly pulling a phone scam on people when he's in his manic phase. We'll get the gorey details on Wednesday night's "news" show.

*Pitbulls are hard to find homes for. Gee, go figure. What is the world coming to when people don't want "pets" that will chew open their chests and suck the blood out of their aortas while they sleep? David Wilson was On The Scene of an animal shelter which had undoubtedly been closed for several hours to bring us this information. We also got to see a young woman with copious tattooing on her epidermis; she runs the Family Dogs Shelter. Speaking personally, she was scarier than the friggin' pit bulls!

The whole shebang ran out of gas with 7 seconds left on the Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*George Pataki, governor of New York state, has announced that he will not seek re-election.

*Despite his protestations, O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for pirating satellite TV.

*NASA is now saying that the piece that broke off the exterior of the Space Shuttle is a tile. That can't possibly cause a problem...can it? I feel as if I've sat through this movie once already.

*Latoyia Figueroa has been missing for 8 days now. As she isn't an upper-middle class white blonde, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her story to turn up on KPTV.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

The Terror Train stopped off at KPTV and unloaded a fresh pile of fear. Let's take a look at it, shall we?

Top Story. No, wait, something happened after 5 PM, qualifying it as "Breaking News." There's been a shooting on Killingsworth in Northeast Portland. Heh heh, he said "Killings." A drive-by shooter blasted two Hispanic men standing on the street. The cops have no license plate nor any description of the alleged perpetrator.

Now back to the Top Story. A man was hit by a boat near McGuire Island. The victim is dead. We'll probably get his identity by tomorrow night's 10 o'clock "news" show.

Portland detectives were pleasantly surprised when the killer in an unsolved 1997 murder turned himself in.

There's been another shooting in downtown Portland. Jim Hyde was in News Control to tell us about the incident at 3rd and Washington. Paul Hall, Jr. is the un-dead victim. There have been seven shootings in downtown Portland recently and KPTV did its level best to imply that this was an unusually high number although no statistics were given to back up that implication.

Dean Schwartzmiller, Guinness Book record holder for "most sexual assaults" (if there was such an entry) apparently kept coded notebooks about his assauts, both real and imagined. The cops say they've broken 90% of the code. The books have 36,000 entries.

Dear Hollywood:

Please don't turn this asshole's life story into a movie. Especially if the movie stars Leonardo DiCaprio. I guess you can make the movie if Leo is a victim, though. Lemme think about it.

Thanks.

An apartment fire in North Portland caused an estimated loss of about $40,000. Yikes.

Meth Watch. OK, pay attention. This is where the "news" show started getting interesting. Seriously, pay attention. We'll be coming back to this subject with an important observation or two later. Anyway, that bill to require prescriptions for cold medicines containing pseudoephedrine is still making its way through the bureaucracy. There was mixed opinion on it from the Men (and women) On The Street.

An OSU student died coming down a mountain. She fell 700 feet. Which is about 695 feet further than I could fall without registering on the Richter scale.

Northwest Tonight

*Some liquor stores in Washington state are now open on Sundays from 9-5. Some stupid Woman On The Street type opined that they should be closed because "what about the people who don't need liquor on Sunday?" I love the People On The Street vignettes. They make me feel MUCH better about myself. Oh yeah, this story was brought to us by "KPTV's Stella Thurkill." I wonder if she knows "KPTV's Wolf Blitzer?"

*If you thought that whooping cough was a thing of the past, you've probably never visited Deschutes County. There's a health warning for that very ailment there at the moment. Maybe those Deschutters don't cotton to those new-fangled "vaccination" things.

Break.

Church Scandal. I loved the way Hilary Hutcheson (whose hair part is back on the left side of her head, by the way) told us that this particular church-related sex scandal was "different" because it didn't involve a Catholic church. (New slogan: The Catholic Church: Fun. Folks. Fondling.) OK, the deal is that this couple got upset because their daughter was allegedly molested by a sound tech who worked for the same church they did.

They went to the pastor, who promptly did what any responsible authority figure would do: he fired the couple and denounced them from the pulpit. Oddly enough, the couple is kind of perturbed by this and complained to the state. The score as of now: the couple is still out of work, the church has closed down, the sound tech is out of the state and the couple's daughter has tried to commit suicide. Religion is such a comfort in times of need.

America Tonight (which bears no resemblance to News Across America)

*Lightning hit a preggo on the beach in Florida

*A van hit a gas line in Miami. The resulting fire melted the van.

*NASA is sending the ill-fated Space Shuttle up on Tuesday morning, working gas gauge or no working gas gauge. I want to know who's putting the pressure on NASA that's making them try to stay on schedule even when there are obvious problems with that rust bucket.

*Speaking of spaceships, the privately-financed Spaceship One made a "pit stop" in Albuquerque, on the way to some air show.

*Hawaii has put mandatory caps on wholesale gasoline prices. Sounds good, but small retailers say that the gas companies are making up the difference by simply raising their rents. Bottom line here is that the "caps" may actually cause retail gas prices to go UP in Hawaii.

World Tonight

*Thailand was under a tsunami warning but it has been lifted. That's great 'cause I've had a Thai sex vacation planned for months now and it's "no refunds."

*A baby hippo and a baby seal were born in a zoo in Serbia, proving that there's no lengths KPTV won't go to to bring the most important news stories in the world to its viewers.

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror

*We saw souvenir photos of the alleged London bombers taking a rafting trip just days before the attacks. Hey, terrorists need to take vacations, too. Lotsa stress in that line of work, you know. You gotta blow off some steam before you blow up some commuters.

War On Terror (non-London type)

*1 American is among the dead in the bombings in Egypt. Some say the total of dead is 88.

*Was Osama binLaden the instigator of the London bombings? No one knows but that didn't stop some official types from giving their fact-free opinions on the subject.

Break.

Pump Patrol. Right now, in the Portland area, the lowest price for gas is $2.16/gallon and the highest price is $2.50. At this very moment, I'm listening to Trilby Lundberg, whoever the hell Trilby Lundberg is, telling me on the radio that wholesale prices for gas have dropped a whole half-cent. Yippie! Happy days are here again! Fire up the Hummer, Honey, we're driving to Honolulu!

Are you fat? Do you wish you weren't fat? Tomorrow night on the 10 o'clock "news" show you'll learn about lap band surgery, a procedure to implant some scary-looking thingie that makes you feel as if you've eaten enough. Not rich? Don't have unusually comprehensive health insurance? Enjoy your morbid obesity, because chances are you'll never come any closer to this surgery than hearing about it on Monday night's "news" show.

It's hot in the Midwest. How hot? Like 100 degrees plus hot. Chicago has set up "cooling stations." We called those "fire hydrants" when I was a boy growing up on the plains of the Bronx.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*Breaking News Update. David Frietas/Freitas (depending on how they're spelling it on the Chyron on any given night) was On The Scene to "update" us (although he didn't really tell us anything we hadn't already been told, other than that Killingsworth was now open to traffic). Heh heh, he said "Killings" again.

*This next story was a classic example of misleading "journalism." It was about a Homeland Security plan to have civilians patrol the Mexican border. Debra Gil was in the KPTV "news" van to tell us about this. Only problem with the story was that the plan has already been scrapped after criticism from the press and public. Deb made it sound as if it was going to go into practice, then at the end of the story, she told us that some officials "claim" that it has been cancelled. Uh, no, Deb, it HAS been cancelled. Just to add further amusement value to this piece, the wrong Chyron popped up momentarily.

*Teens and drinking. It seems that the more alcohol it takes to get a teen shit-faced, the more likely it is that that teen will have a drinking problem as their life goes on. Oh, also, the kids of alkies are four times as likely to become alcoholics as the children of non-alcoholics. So there.

*Yay, Streets of Speed is back. Not now, silly, Monday morning on Good Day, Oregon.

*Next was one of those alleged heart-warming stories that never seem to warm my heart. A wedding was interrupted when the groom got a call that a heart was waiting for him to have transplanted into his chest. I kept thinking that the poor bastard probably isn't allowed by his doctors to have sex. Plus there's always the chance that the new heart belonged to a homicidal maniac and will cause the newlywed to go insane. I think I saw that in a movie once.

*Then we got some useless blather about "alternative wedding registries." I was thinking that maybe they let people buy you cool stuff like bouncing cars and ray guns, but nope. To be honest, I didn't see what was so "alternative" about the crap they were peddling. Kinda like how I feel about "alternative" music, actually. "Alternative to what?" I always wonder. But that's just me, I guess.

Hollywood Buzz

*Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a totally unnecessary movie as the original version with Gene Wilder was pretty much perfect, is still the Number One Movie in America. Do they even make movies that aren't remakes of old movies anymore?? I can't wait until The Passion Of The Christ becomes a midnight movie like Rocky Horror, complete with people showing up dressed like the characters and all. Oh, Wedding Crashers is the Number Two Movie In America, in case you couldn't go another moment without knowing that.

Meth Watch. OK, this is the thing I alluded to earlier. The cops are saying that most of the meth on the streets of Oregon comes from Mexico. When they catch a Mexican drug seller, they put him in jail, then deport him back to Mexico. We got to watch as the cops set up a meth buy sting. They caught a Mexican national. We were told that he has been deported before, which pretty much makes that whole "deportation" thing a joke, doesn't it?

Here's my question: if the majority of meth in our area comes from another country, what is that stupid "requiring a prescription to buy a common cold medicine" going to accomplish? I've said on a couple of occasions on this blog that I didn't believe that the prescription-for-pseudoephedrine law would accomplish anything at all. Now I know why I think that. IF it causes it to become difficult for people to make their own meth, then the business will simply go to the meth coming up I-5. This will result in driving up the price of the imported stuff, causing more crime to pay for the drug.

I'm now going to update my prediction. Not only will the new law NOT result in a decrease in crime, because of the rising price for meth, it will INCREASE crime. Congratulations, Oregon legislature. You've managed to make a bad situation even worse. Nice going.

Hilary ended in sync with the Countdown Clock, completely justifying her salary.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Although KPTV is all over that "War On Terror" stuff, they didn't tell you that the guy the London cops shot, in the belief that he was one of the terrorists, had no connection to the bombings at all. Oh, they also say that there may be more accidental killings by the police of non-terrorists before the panic is over. Hey, you can't make an omelette without blowing away a few innocent people, right?

*The Service Employees International Union (SEIU) and the Teamsters are threatening to leave the AFL-CIO.

*Still not a word about "a landmark in economic history," China no longer pegging its currency to the American dollar.

*Whirlpool has sweetened its bid for Maytag, causing the latter to reconsider its rejection of the previous bid from the former. Got that?

*The Bush Administration announced it does not intend to release all memos and other documents written by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts when he worked for two Republican presidents. Why, it could almost cause a guy to wonder what they have to hide!

Friday, July 22, 2005

OK, I'm trashing the usual format for one day. No, it's not because I didn't do my usual note-taking on the show. As I do just about every night, I took notes on every story (excluding the weather and sports). I was completely prepared to make my usual snotty comments on all the crap KPTV shoveled in the guise of "news."

So, what happened? Well, after I finished my "prep" as they say in the radio biz, I sat down at my computer and did some web surfing. In the course of my cyber-wanderings, I came across information about the administration using a loophole in the Freedom of Information Act to hold up (yet again) the release of "stomach-churning" photos and video of abuse of prisoners in Abu Ghraib. The government of the United States, supposedly a nation "of, by and for the people," is deliberately withholding information from you for no reason other than to cover the asses of your elected representatives.

That reminded me of other major events happening right now, like Karl Rove, the President's main political advisor and "Scooter" Libby, Dick Cheney's assistant being accused of releasing the identity of an undercover CIA agent to the press, arguably an act of treason.

Then I thought about how KPTV almost completely ignores these vital stories in favor of "reporting" on things like A MONKEY RUNNING LOOSE IN PENNSYLVANIA! What a total waste of an opportunity to inform Americans about what's really happening in their country! What a total abrogation of their responsibilities as a "news" operation. The more I thought about that, the madder I got.

Since starting this blog, I've heard a few times from apologists for the KPTV brand of "journalism" who've told me that what Channel 12 does is just fine by them. After all, it gets ratings, so where's the problem?

Here's the problem: According to polls, the majority of Americans who see or hear any news in the course of their day get most or all of it from TV. A person who gets up early to go to work may well not be able to stay up until 11 PM. Therefore, it is not at all unlikely that the only news they get all day is at 10 PM. It's a disgrace that the only "news" they may see all day obsesses over crap like monkeys running wild, the "World's Oldest Married Couple" and "Stopping the Sludge" in their car's engine in lieu of telling them what's going on with their elected leaders.

No matter where you stand politically, can you say with a straight face that the accusations curently leveled at the White House aren't more important than the nonsense found nightly on KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show?

I'm sure Shauna Parsons and Wayne Garcia are lovely people but if they write "journalist" where it asks for "profession" on their tax forms, they should be tied to anthills in Pioneer Square and have honey poured on them while a crowd gathers to watch. Point a camera at that! It'll get ratings, right?

The apologists bristle if anyone says that KPTV's audience may not be all that well-educated. They claim that surveys show that their audience is at least as intelligent as anyone else's. If so, why then do they treat their audience like a bunch of hockey helmet-wearing short bus riders? Would the ceiling fall in if KPTV's "news" show took time to tell its viewers about the important things happening in their country? Are they afraid the viewers would rush en masse to change the channel if the Grand Guignol was interrupted for just a moment by REAL news? Why do they disrespect their viewers by trying to distract them with the equivalent of shiny objects?

Some of us out here in Television Land think that BIG THINGS are happening in America at the moment, big things that don't involve missing blondes on vacation, unconstrained simians or geriatric honeymooners, big things that intelligent, thoughtful viewers would benefit from knowing more about. We deserve to hear about those stories.

In the circus, when a high wire artist falls to the ground, the clowns rush out from backstage to distract the audience from the unpleasant reality of death or injury. The high wire act of the Bush administration seems to be a little wobbly at the moment and the KPTV "news" show serves as the baggy pantsed distraction from the unpleasant reality of a government coming apart at the seams. At a moment like this, democracy needs journalists who are not afraid to tell us the truth, even if it's an uncomfortable truth. Instead of that, though, what we're getting is, to quote the old Mary Tyler Moore show, "a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants." The amusement value of that is growing thin. It's time to send out the clowns!

I apologize for not being all that funny today. I just had to vent. I'll be back Sunday night with the usual snark. Oh, by the way, Hilary Hutcheson has moved her hair part back to the middle.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

To quote Jeb Clampett, "Whee doggies!"

Top Story: No, there's Breaking News tonight. You know, since they had Jamie Wilson already On The Scene ready to go and all, one might think that this whole "interrupt the Top Story" thing is really a gimmick, if one had a cynical bent, that is.

OK, let's just roll with the "Breaking News" for a moment. Shooting in Estacada. Hours of negotiation between the SWAT Team and the nimrods holed up inside the house. Standoff. 6 people inside the house. Neighbors evacuated. Police helicopter overhead. Yadda yadda yadda.

Back to the Top Story. A body was found inside a Gresham apartment. There. Are you happy now?

Fox 12's Most Wanted. Donald Scott is from Burns, Oregon, an intolerably hot Hell on Earth by day, a frozen Hell on Earth at night--at least during the summer. He's in trouble for something or other.

David Wilson was in Longview to tell us about a local woman who is in Dutch for forging checks. She got caught passing paper at a Safeway supermarket. She allegedly has a heroin and meth habit. Damn, now I really wish they had shown a photo of her. I'll bet she's a hottie!

The bodies of a couple (heterosexual style) was found in North Portland. They've been missing for days. I guess we know why now. We'll have more information by Friday night's show after the coroner takes his turn with them.

A friend of murdered child Matal Sanchez's parents says she filed reports with DHS on two occasions because she thought they weren't taking proper care of the boy.

Fire Season 2005: The fire on the Warm Springs reservation is out. In that fear-mongering way they have, KPTV informed us that there could be more fires before the summer ends. No shit?

Uh oh, it's Storm Team 12! Isn't that the name of that new movie out now? Oh no, sorry, that's Fantastic Four. Super Newsheroine Hilary Hutcheson was lurking around Beaverton to tell us that hot weather means that kids will use background pools. Is there anything Hilary doesn't know? Anyhoo, while you aren't obligated to put a fence around a non-permanent pool in Washington County, the authorities think it's a good idea anyway. Right, I'm going to buy a $40 plastic pool at Fred Meyer and spend $2000 for a FENCE TO PUT AROUND IT! And when did Hilary become a member of Storm Team 12 anyway? Was there an intra-KPTV "news" draft? I demand answers, damn it!

Next, Mark Nelson (which also sounds like a Superhero's alter ego) came out of his hole early to tell us about the "dry lightning" (lightning with no accompanying rain) in the south end of the valley.

Break.

A McMinnville woman who lives in a group home is missing. It's thought she may have headed to Portland.

The guy who allegedly assaulted a man with a hammer the other day entered a plea of guilty. I know it's an out-of-date reference but would it also be crass to ask if the victim yelled "Hammer! Don't hurt me"?

Lars Larson's stalker has been charged with harassment. He may have obtained Larson's address and phone number from a website which printed them recently. Gee, I thought everyone knew Lars lived in Berchtesgaden with his wife, Eva Braun-Larson. Yeah, it's a cheap shot, but hey, it's funny! I apologize to Mrs. Larson. I still pray nightly, however, that Lars is trampled to death by cattle at next month's Tillamook County Fair. Either that or run over by a flivver during the annual Pig-N-Ford races. Whichever is funnier.

The Sheriff of Clackamas County, in response to a tight budget, seeks to cut 76 prison beds. KPTV "news" viewers, fearing an increase of identity thefts by meth addicted panty thieves, object to the cut.

There was a stabbing at a Max station. We got the usual montage of wetting-their-Wal-Mart-drawers-in-fear Man On The Street types.

A stolen truck is sought. We were lead to believe that it was unique-looking in some way, but the picture we saw revealed it to be your run-of-the-mill beat-to-shit pick-up. For what it's worth, it has Washington plates A79169T

Northwest Tonight (hey, what happened to Northwest NOW??)

*We got our first look at the "drug tunnel" from Lynden, Washington to Canada. Man, nice work! It runs from a temporary greenhouse in Canada to a house on the U.S. side of the border. Canadian and American authorities have been onto this thing for months; the INS had cameras inside the house. After all that, it turns out to involve pot! Sheesh. 5 people were arrested for that. "KPTV's Susan West" brought us this story.

*Tracy Matthews, front-runner for Creep of the Year, allegedly made a 17 year-old use meth before forcing sex on them. I don't think eHarmony recommends that as a dating technique.

*Southwest Airlines wants to build a new terminal at Boeing Field, claiming that there's no room for expansion at SeaTac. Other airlines are whining about that giving Southwest an "unfair competitive advantage." Funny how they forget about that "unfair advantage" thing whenever they want to merge, isn't it?

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror

*Two weeks after the last bombings in London, 4 more bombs went off. 1 person was hurt. Is Al Qaeda involved? No one seems to know. 2 people were arrested, 1 was released.

War On Terror

*Saddam Hussein was shown complaining about his detention, saying that he is being held by the new Iraqi government which, according to him, is a puppet of the Americans. Sure, he's a despotic scumbag who gassed his own people, but you know, the guy has a point here! Where's Johnny Cochran when you need him? "If he didn't gas the Kurds, then 'Not Guilty' are the words!" Or something like that.

*The House voted to extend the Patriot Act. Since it didn't involve panty thieves (although let's just say I've "heard things" about Denny Hastert), this story only got about 15 seconds of KPTV's airtime.

Condoleeza Rice was in the Sudan with an entourage that included NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell. The Sudanese, who obviously don't get the whole "You never put your hands on a celebrity" thing, put their hands on Condi, Andrea et al, shoving the whole lot of them out the door. Condi was all like "I'm the Secretary of State here!" and Andrea was all like "My husband is the Chairman of the Fed" but it didn't help.

Break.

Dirty Dining. Keri Tomlinson reeled in a Big Fish here, Heath Department inspection-wise. The Spinning Wheel in Canby got 42 out of a possible 100 on its health inspection back in April. The inspectors found rat feces, flies and "dangerous food." They told the dump to clean up and came back to check up on things, only to find the place locked up. That's right, Thursday's Dirty Dining segment was about a health inspection from April on a place that has since gone out of business! Way to protect the public, KPTV! While Keri and her camera were there, a semi-toothless relative of the former owners ambled by and told K.T. that the real reason the place closed was that they couldn't find enough help to run it. Uh huh.

Next we got the absolutely vital information that a new Cheesecake Factory is opening at Washington Square Mall.

Remember how Portland wanted to buy PGE? Ain't gonna happen. PGE turned down the offer, saying it was too low. By the way, in case you didn't know this, PGE is part of what used to be called Enron.

Volcano Warning. Mt. You Know Who registered a 3.1 on the Richter scale in the early AM.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America (NOT America Tonight, damn it!)

*An Ohio boy accidentally shot himself with a BB gun. The doctors give him a 1% chance of survival.

*A car/foot chase was Caught On Tape in Miami. They caught the guy.

*In Illinois, the police caught a 76 year-old crack dealer. He said it was a more dignified way to spend his golden years than being a greeter at Wal-Mart. Or maybe I just made that part up.

*The reward for information about Natalee Holloway, still missing in Aruba, has been increased to $200,000. So, what happened with that blonde hair stuck to the duct tape that was found the other day?

*A home exploded in Alabama. A woman was blown out a window in the process.

*There's a monkey loose in Turtle Creek, Pennsylvania! It would be funnier if a turtle was loose in Monkey Creek, but you work with what you have, I guess.

*A boy said a man assaulted him in the changing room at the Wet 'n' Wild water park in Orlando. No child should have to deal with crap like that, but you name a place "Wet 'n' Wild" and you should expect stuff like that, shouldn't you?

*Tahoe City, California is all stinky because of a sewage leak. That's gonna hurt tourism!

Breaking News yet again. Keri Tomlinson is in Gresham. Wait, I'm confused. The Breaking News at the top of the show was in Estacada and Jamie Wilson was on it. The Top Story was the one in Gresham. OK, who screwed up here? Anyway, the "update" was that the cops were waiting for a search warrant to go into the house where the body supposedly was. This "update" did give us tonight's only "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment, though, courtesy of a young girl who lives nearby.

*Cell phone troubles. Hilary and her left-side hair part were in News Control. The Danger to Life As We Know It alleged by this story was that those "no-contract" cell phones that you can buy at 7-11 (you know, the kind that advertise on KPTV nightly) can be used by criminals for misdeeds because the callers can't be traced via bills ('cause pre-pay phones don't have bills).

The notoriously publicity-shy Lars Larson told us he is against "ghost phones" because the guy who was allegedly threatening his and his family's lives might have used one of them to make his calls. Far be it for me to claim that Lars might be trying to capitalize on a crime against his family to get some publicity for his radio show, which has reportedly been cancelled by a couple of affiliates recently.

I suppose it would be tacky to pray yet again for Lars to be trampled to death by rogue cattle at next month's Tillamook County Fair. How about if I just say that if it should happen, I hope I'm standing at a safe distance with a camera in my hand? Is that tacky?

Hollywood Buzz

*Sir Paul McCartney and U2's performance of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" at the recent Live 8 concert is the fastest-selling download ever. Thank God that McCartney and U2 are finally making a few bucks!

Friday morning's Good Day, Oregon will have some crap about outdoor dining. Good for them.

The new national sex offenders registry doesn't include those from Oregon. Plus, not all sex offenders from the included states are listed. Your tax dollars at work.

Shauna took the Final Cut home in sync with the Countdown Clock. Good work.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*In New York City, the police will now conduct random searches of bags carried by people wanting to use the subway, buses or ferries. New Yorkers will have the right to refuse to be searched but they will be turned away from the transportation.

*This is a weird one. A new treaty will give the CIA authority in Ireland! Huh? According to the Irish Examiner, "US investigators, including CIA agents, will be allowed to interrogate Irish citizens on Irish soil in total secrecy, under an agreement signed between Ireland and the US last week."

*Supreme Court nominee John Roberts flew to Florida and volunteered advice to Gov. Jeb Bush whose brother was trying to clinch the election, calling his non-partisanship into question.

*BEIJING (Reuters) - China bowed to months of market and political pressure on Thursday by revaluing the yuan by 2.1 percent and abandoning the currency's decade-old peg against the dollar. I have no idea what this really means for America. Of course, I might if a certain news show I could name bothered with stories like this.