Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Let me clear something up before we dive in here. As you may be aware, I take Mondays off from this little hobby I've made for myself to watch wrestling. Go ahead, laugh, you know you want to. Anyway, as a result, I don't get to see the KPTV "news" show on Monday nights. If I mention that they ignored something tonight, it isn't necessary to tell me that they talked about it LAST night. I give, I give and I give and do you people appreciate it? Well, actually, yeah, some of you do.

Top Story. It was Katrina's night all the way (as seems only appropriate). Unlike Sunday night when they went with a local road rage incident over an impending hurricane that threatened to destroy a major U.S. city, the KPTV "news" show was all up in Katrina's face tonight. "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg," who looked like she hasn't slept much in the past two days, was in Biloxi, Mississippi to show us the devastation. It ain't pretty out there. The floating casinos in the area are in very bad shape. As we all know, if our floating casinos go, the terrorists have won.

• We were told that looting was out of control in New Orleans. Funny thing about that: there's a mini-controversy about how some of the press seems to be a tad racist. Check this out.
• 3000 people have been rescued by helicopter from rooves in the New Orleans area.
• Bridges in the New Orleans area, including a miles-long one over Lake Pontchartrain, are out.
• A guy in Mississippi had to swim 3 miles to survive.
• Say, here's that local angle! According to Jim Hyde, on high ground in News Control, told us about a Beaverton woman who was trying to contact relatives in Louisiana. Eventually, she got in touch with them.
• Mark Nelsen showed up early with his own version of Casey's Top 40. Katrina, we were told, is now one of the Top 3 Storms to ever hit America.
• 80% of New Orleans is under water. We got to see some irrelevant graphics comparing the population of The Big Watery Easy to that of the Portland metro area. Yes, the population sizes may be similar, but the people in the Portland area are much more spread out, I believe.
• Since David Frietas/Freitas told us that the Red Cross is taking donations to help the flood victims, it was predictable that his prop for the story would be cash. You know, in case you've never seen dollar bills before. A local restaurant owner is from New Orleans, so we got to look at him for a minute or so.
  

Pump Patrol

It is expected that there will be a gas shortage in Louisiana in the weeks to come. Logical since there won't be any working gas stations down there for a while. Closer to home, gas is averaging $2.61 in Portland. Nationally, it's running $2.60.

Back to Katrina. Although it's difficult to get an accurate count, the authorities believe that there are at least 100 people dead in the New Orleans area.

Break.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• 32-year-old Dustin Eamon is the suspect in a rape in the Albany, Oregon Phoenix Inn in July. He was spotted in Portland 3 days ago.
• Rob Speck is wanted in connection with some local ID thefts.

South Salem High School basketball coach Rodney Howard has been arrested on child pornography charges (5 counts). He allegedly had the creepy stuff on his computer. He was recently promoted to head basketball coach at the school.

A 17-year-old is dead after a crash near Oregon City.

A little girl was attacked by two large dogs in a Salem park. She got stitches.

Ah, here's the kind of story that only KPTV would devote airtime to on a night when there is a legitimate national emergency to report. Local eyeglass stores are reporting thefts of designer eyeglass frames. Time for an All Points Bling Bling Alert! Be on the lookout for fashionable people!

Break.

Meth Watch

• Jenny Thomas has been charged with giving methamphetamine to her child via breastfeeding. She's in jail now. Meth and boobs. Man, this story has everything!
• The police say that meth labs are down in Oregon by 74%. And this is due to that law requiring prescriptions for cold meds that only recently passed? Why do I think that it's simply too soon to draw a conclusion like that? OR the statistic itself is faulty.

Northwest Tonight

I see we're back to using the term "home invasion" instead of "burglary" again. OK, I'll play along. A home in Mount Lake Terrace was INVADED by a INVADER using a LADDER to enter through a SECOND FLOOR WINDOW! The little girl whose bedroom he entered bit him and he went back down the ladder. Oops, I'm sorry, I meant LADDER! This story gave us one of the elusive and rare "You DO expect that in this neighborhood" type comments from a neighbor. Was the INVADER's intent RAPE or ROBBERY? The cops aren't sure.

Break.

Patricia Gregory, a Vancouver woman, has been missing for several days now.

War On Terror

• San Francisco International airport is canning their private screeners, after experimenting with them for about a year now. So, from now on, the guy who gives you the fisheye when he examines the dildo you forgot was in your carry-on luggage will be on the federal payroll. Oh, and when they hassle you, don't forget to use the old "I pay your salary!" line. They love that.

Back to "Katrina's Fury"

This one was a little confusing. From the way Wayne Garcia intro'd it, I thought it was going to be video of a CNN weather man snapping at the anchor and throwing his papers to the ground, as happened Monday. What it turned out to actually be, though, was some still graphics of weather maps of the flood area with a audibly distressed CNN reporter talking over them.

Next we heard about a motel in the affected area gouging people by doubling its room rates. A customer said that she had been told that the rate was $99/night but when she arrived, she was told it was now $199. Management said, "No, we're not trying to gouge people at a critical time. We just want to make sure we don't get the 'wrong' people staying here." They actually did say they didn't want the wrong people. And they call that the "hospitality" industry.

Break.

Final Cut

A missing 12-year-old North Carolina girl who triggered an Amber Alert was found in an Iowa bus station. If I ever go missing, will there be a Fat Guy Alert? If I do disappear, check the In 'n' Out burger joints first.

A Nevada woman who went missing while in California is still missing. A Callie woman is a "person of interest" but there are no suspects yet. Can anyone explain the difference between a "person of interest" and a "suspect" to me?

The death of a 16-year-old boy is believed to have been caused by a "choking game." That would have much to do with the fact that he was found swinging from a noose. OK, listen up, kids. If you constuct a noose and use it, you won't have enough time to undo it from around your neck before it constricts your windpipe and kills your miserable ass. There are better ways than suicide to get a big picture of yourself in your high school's yearbook.

Hey, speaking of gruesome, some 200 fetuses were found in a house that used to be a funeral home in Pennsylvania. Here's today Fun Fact: Remember the other day when I told you that fake rubber fetuses used in old-time carnival exhibitions were called "bouncers?" Real fetuses in jars filled with formaldehyde used in carnival exhibitions were called "pickled punks." Just thought you'd like to know.

So this woman is pregnant with triplets and she goes into labor, right? Stop me if you've heard this one. The doctors find out that she needs open heart surgery, right? So they have to deliver the babies via C-section and do the heart surgery on her. And... Damn, I forgot the punchline. Oh, they all lived, that part I remember.

A big fire destroyed 56 apartments in a condo complex near Boston.

A truck turned over, spilling sheep and goats all over the highway in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania.

World Tonight

• The World's Oldest Living Person has relinquished the title, which is a nice way of saying she's dead. She was 115 years old and HOT! Seriously, she didn't look a day over 95. She lived in a nursing home in the Netherlands and was a soccer fan. She attributed her longevity to eating herring and orange juice. I think I read about that in Disgusting Remedies 'They' Don't Want You To Know About.

Back yet again to Katrina's Fury (which, by the way, kicks ass in concert!)

• Kevin Coari in News Control told us that some of the levees in New Orleans broke on Tuesday, sending more water into town. We saw some rescue footage and were informed that the situation down there is getting worse. I'll have some links to information about the situation in New Orleans down below.
• Louisiana's governor has ordered an evacuation of the affected area. From what I've read and seen, it isn't as if you can get to your house at this point anyway. KPTV didn't mention this, but in some parts of the N.O. area, residents have been told not to return to their homes for a month.
• Keri Tomlinson was in the newsroom to talk about scam "charities" which have already sprung up. She advised that people check any charity with give.org and other websites devoted to outing fake charities before sending them any money. You should also ask anyone you talk to at a charity what percent of your donation goes to actually helping people. Since David Frietas/Freitas had already done the "money as a prop" thing, Keri used a checkbook for hers.

Breaking News

A guy was being chased by a female police officer in Northeast Portland. He eluded her by doubling back and stealing her patrol car. He was caught after a short chase, according to David Frietas/Freitas.

Hollywood Buzz

• George Clooney apparently got the Vegas bug while filming the really really implausible crime caper remake Ocean's 11. He, along with some partners, is going to open an upscale casino-hotel dealie.
• A pair of the ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz on loan to a museum in Minnesota were stolen. It would be fun to have them, I suppose, but as a practical matter what are you going to do with them? You'd be scared to show them to anyone and God knows you couldn't wear them anywhere.
  

Hey, no Countdown Clock tonight. Use it or don't use it, but be consistant, willya?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• Well, actually this isn't so much about what they didn't tell you about as it is some stuff you might want to know about what's happening in Louisiana. I take that partly back, actually. I really think they should have covered the prison riot in Louisiana; it's a pretty big deal. They're holding a deputy and his family hostage, for starters: http://abcnews.go.com/US/HurricaneKatrina/story?id=1081633&page=1
• There may be as many as ONE MILLION people homeless because of Katrina at the moment:
  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050829/ap_on_re_us/katrina_the_big_one
• Here's a source of updated information about Katrina, etc.:
• http://www.wwltv.com/#9morefeetofwater

Oh, I almost forgot. You hear constantly about how "great" the economy is supposed to be. Um, in that case, how can this be true?

Sunday, August 28, 2005

I can't wait for my vacation to New Orleans to start this week! Whoo, the Big Easy! Huh, wha..? Hurricane? What hurricane? Katrina? Category 5? Is that bad? Um, anyone want to buy some plane tickets?

Top Story: Must have been a slow news day 'cause the "Top Story" tonight was about the road rage incident from yesterday. I think someone forgot the "new" in "news." The BMW-driving woman who swerved into the motorcyclists, then engaged them physically, is going to be in court Monday morning. The Iron Man of Portland TV news, Jim Hyde, was in the Big Van(couver) for this one.

Speaking of retread stories, Tyler Lupoli, former 24 Hour gym employee and alleged pervert, says he's not guilty. The cops beg to disagree, saying that there may be more victims of his alleged perverting than previously known. So, basically there was no story here.

Story Three was an Instant Replay, too. This one was about Jeffrey Smith, the guy who was assaulted in Portland and, days later, died in the hospital.

Finally, something new! Property in downtown New Orleans may be going cheap soon. Katrina is heading right for Bourbon Street and she's a Kat with klaws! Anyone who hasn't already evacuated New Orleans is stuck in town, as there's a lockdown on. The authorities are going to put the stragglers in the Superdome, which I don't quite understand. They say that N.O. may be under 10 to 20 feet of water soon and, if I remember correctly, the Superdome is right next to the Mississippi. They planning on putting the temporary residents up in the cheap seats or what? If I was being housed there, I'd annoy everyone around me by yelling, "Hey, beer man!" every few minutes. In all seriousness, there is a lot of indication that this thing could lay the city of New Orleans to waste. Check out noaa.gov for the grim facts.

Fire Season 2005

• The Deer Creek fire has eaten up 1600 acres so far. It is 40% contained.
• The Lapine fire, south of Bend, has burned 120 acres so far.
• Fire departments burned some stuff in Clackamas just for shits and giggles, although they called it "practice" instead. By the way, if you ever get the chance to see the comedy team of Shits and Giggles in Vegas, they're HILARIOUS. Caesars Palace, I think. (And for you anal types, I was correct not to use an apostrophe in "Caesars." That's the way their trademark is spelled. So there.)

3 cars were involved in a fatal accident in Vancouver. The police suspect alcohol may have been involved.

Nike's pissed at Beaverton. The employer of child slave laborers is afraid that the town wants to annex their campus. On the off chance that the Chairman of Nike is reading this, I have a question for you, Phil Knight: How do you sleep at night?

Northwest Tonight

• What the hell! A teenage slumber party in Burien, Washington was interrupted by bullets flying through the back wall of the house it was in. KPTV blew the dust off "their" correspondent Nicole Sanchez for this story. I LOVED the name of eyewitness Eang Ol whose name is an anagram for "Angelo." Click here.
• Another "treading water" story on a slow news night. Police in the Bellingham, Washington area are looking for that murderer who wore the "FBI" hat.
• It's the end of an era. "The Whitest Place On Earth," Aryan Land in Hayden, Idaho is for sale. If I had millions of dollars to spend on a great joke, I'd buy the place and turn it into a soul food restaurant where sit-coms from the UPN network would run on giant screen TV's endlessly.
• A Kent, Washington couple celebrated their 70th anniversary this weekend. We watched as they slowly turned into dust on camera. Sweet.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

I always have trouble keeping up with this segment. Since the war in Iraq is arguably the most important ongoing story to Americans at the moment, naturally KPTV runs through it as quickly as humanly possible, making it almost impossible to take notes about the carnage fast enough. Hey, you can't blame them; there are stories about smoking monkeys to get to!

• Well, the new Iraqi constitution is finally complete. So, everyone is happy now and all the various religious factions that make up the nation of Iraq will live together in perfect harmony, right? Um, probably not. For starters, the Sunni Muslims aren't too crazy with the way the government is laid out in the document. Religion is such a force in bringing people together, isn't it?
• A soundman working for Reuters was shot in the back in Baghdad. The police say U.S. forces did it.

War On Terror

• Some Oregon soldiers just back from Afghanistan were honored at a ceremony at the Chinook Winds casino in Lincoln City. America has no greater honor to bestow on our brave men and women than to give them a weekend at an Indian casino with the tightest damn slots I've ever seen in my life. There is unlimited free Pepsi brand product there, though. So, drink up that Diet Mountain Dew, brave warriors!

America Tonight

A bank was robbed in Albany, New York. There must have been more to this story but I guess I didn't get it written down. How 'bout if I just make some stuff up? The people in the bank noticed that the robbers seemed to have tentacles rather than arms and, when they fled the building, they jumped into a space ship and went straight up into the air.

A gas tanker burst into flames on a highway in Florida. 1 child was hurt.

A 4-year-old shot herself with the gun kept on the shelf in the family's closet.

A former Marine held a family hostage in their home for over a full day before committing suicide. The mother of the family was ticked that the cops almost shot her son and DID shoot their dog, although the KPTV anchors seemed not to get what she was saying.

A California woman who contracted West Nile virus was sick for a while, but she's much better now.

Massachusetts police are looking for a teacher who raised money by claiming that she had cancer. Here's the kicker: she may not have had cancer. Yeah, I know, you kind of saw that one coming down the road from a mile away, didn't you?

A "human cannonball" shot himself across the border from Mexico to the U.S., becoming the first person ever to do so. OK, here's my first question: How do you get permission to do something like that? You'd have to deal with TWO federal bureaucracies. My second question: Does this guy actually put "human cannonball" on his resume? You know, I've never seen an opening for a human cannonball on Monster.com.

World Tonight

An explosion on a ferry in the Phillippines left many people hurt.

There was a suicide bombing in Jerusalem. But, but, I thought handing the Gaza strip over to the Palestinians was going to fix everything!

A bull run in Spain--but NOT in Pamplona--injured 63 people. Are there rules to a running of the bulls? Are there running of the bulls referees?

An elephant in Thailand got a plastic prosthetic foot to replace the one that was blown off by a land mine. I love my country and all, but I'm telling you now for the record, the day shit starts blowing up in America because of land mines, I'm outta here!

Break.

Mark Lyzewski had the "honor" of doing tonight's story about wasps and yellowjackets. A basketball-sized paper wasp nest was found in Stayton. The mild winter is presumed to be the cause of the infestation. On a dare from his cameraman, Lyzewski ate a wasp on camera. Or he would have in my perfect world.

Break.

Mountain On The Move

• Everyone's favorite semi-dormant volcano, Mt. St. Helens, had 2 earthquakes overnight. Why you trippin', dog? They was just small ones.

"KPTV's Doug Luzader" was On The Scene in Gulf Port, Mississippi for another Katrina update. If Katrina is as big as it appears it's going to be, it will be one of the worst storms in America history. As previously mentioned, people still in N.O. will be housed for the duration in the Superdome. 3 people have already died in an accident involving a bus.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

HOV lanes are being removed in the Seattle area. The feeling is that they take up space which could be better used by more cars. Others, however, disagree, saying, "Fuck you!" Well, they might say that but they weren't quoted that way in this story. They say that taking away the HOV lanes discourages people from carpooling. "KPTV's Dan Springer" was predictably right-wing on this one, giving the last word to those who say that HOV lanes are a form of "social engineering." Yeah, I guess so, but not nearly as much as slanted news stories on TV.

Back on the local scene, a developer is cutting down a tree which dates back at least 125 years. The developer claims the tree is in the way of whatever the hell the developer is building, although on the video it looked as if it was sitting on a little island in the middle of a parking lot. Money talks, arborea walks.

Italian officials are cracking down on fake designer goods, like counterfeit Gucci crap. Both buyers and sellers are subjected to large fines.

Shauna Parsons provided the voice-over for a time-killing piece about Splenda, the artificial sweetner. Since the main point of the story was that Splenda is "still going strong," I'm going to guess that the video was provided by a Splenda manufacturer. Oh, also according to the story, Splenda is appreciated by the "diabetic community." Note to Splenda: There is no such thing as a "diabetic community." There are people who HAVE diabetes, but they don't all live in one big sugar-free town on the banks of the Insulin River. I'm sick of every group of people who happen to have one thing, no matter how small, in common being referred to as a "community." Although I do belong to the "people fed up with stupid bullshit" community.

Very very old men who managed to survive World War II were honored at the weekend celebration in Vancouver to commemorate the 60th anniversary of V-J Day. Although this was across the river in Washington State, I could swear I spotted Oregon governor Kulongoski on the tape.

Hollywood Buzz

• Everyone's favorite scary black guy, Suge Knight, was shot in the leg at a pre-Video Music Awards party sponsored by MTV. No one knows who did it or why. Um, am I the only one who wonders why Viacom, the parent company of MTV, would invite a convicted criminal to a party? Seriously, this guy's a one-man crime wave. He attracts bullets like an ice cream truck attracts kids on a hot day. Even if you don't give a damn if he gets killed at your party, you might want to give some thought to the innocent people around him who could get hit in the crossfire. I gotta tell you, I've seen the recording industry from the retail level and from a radio perspective and it's sleazier than you can imagine.
• Country singer Minnie McReady is being held on drug charges. Gee, I thought it was only rock and roll and rap that were involved in drugs. How come you never hear about a Congressional investigation into country music?

"KPTV's Jeff Goldblatt" who, by the way, I LOVED in Independence Day, "reported" on cage fighting. This is the "sport" where two lower middle class men are locked inside a cage and encouraged to beat the living shit out of each other for the amusement of people who think that NASCAR doesn't have enough fatal accidents. Although this had somehow escaped my notice, the story claimed that cage fighting is catching on around America, especially, it seems, in those good, God-fearing "red" states. Jeff was in Iowa, talking to the camera as all around him, a crowd was cheering as two skinny losers pounded on each other. Cage fighting doesn't seem to have a lot of rules. Except, of course, for Rule Number One: Don't talk about cage fighting.

Last and certainly least (although, surprisingly, not the longest story on the show tonight, as irrelevant stories tend to be on KPTV) was this piece about a Chihuahua competition in New York. The winner is going to the finals in San Diego. I saw an Iams banner in the video, making me think that the dog food manufacturer was the sponsor of this publicity stunt. KPTV didn't mention Iams; they may be a phony "news" show, but they have their standards, damn it!

Kevin Coari, of the ventriloquist dummy eyebrows, wrapped up the Final Cut 10 seconds ahead of the Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• We're all doomed! From Reuters: "U.S. oil prices surged to a record above $70 a barrel on Monday as one of the country's biggest storms tore through the U.S. Gulf of Mexico, forcing oil producers and refiners to shut down operations."
• Alan Greenspan is saying that current housing prices are the result of a bubble which is due to burst any time now and that the effect of that on the American economy is difficult to predict (it ain't gonna be good, though).
• The state of California is planning on suing fast food companies for not notifying their customers of the presence of an alleged cancer-causing agent produced when potatos are deep-fried. I say when French Fries (or are they still Freedom Fries?) are outlawed, only outlaws will have French Fries.
• According to AP: "Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said Sunday that his government could request the extradition of US religious broadcaster Pat Robertson for suggesting American agents should kill him." There is a God!
  

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Oh man, my ego's hurt. My wife told me tonight she thinks I haven't been putting enough jokes into these reports lately. I dunno, maybe I've just gotten into a bad groove or something. I shall endeavor to do better in the future. I have to go sulk now.

Top Story. Jeff Smith got himself all beat up at Park and Stark in Portland back on the 21st at about 4 AM. He went to OHSU where he died over the weekend. The cops are looking for the people who did the beating up, so that they can charge him/her/them with homicide.

There was an attempted rape in Northwest Portland about 3:30 AM. The would-be rapist asked the victim for directions, walked away, then came back and pounced on her. Some passers-by stopped him. Yay for the passers-by.

A woman showed that chicks can be just as psycho as men. She went all road rage-y on SR 14 near Vancouver, swerving into some motorcyclists in her car. Then she got out and was all "You want some? Come get some" on them.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• You gotta love a guy with a tattoo that says "Sickest of the sickest" on his neck. Conan Lapping is the object of your (arguably misplaced) love. He fled the local cops recently but was caught (and shot for his troubles) in Crescent City, California. They're gonna LOVE that tat in prison, Co-man.

According to KPTV, which can make a trend out of anything, there's been a rash of ID theft in Portland and Southwest Washington of late. 3 ID theft-ers, who may or may not be working together, have been using disguises in the commission of their crimes. The proprietor of a local business got 3 checks stolen from her office recently. All together, the Dynamic Trio has racked up 20 Grand worth of theft.

Meth Watch

Remember that Big Meth Bust in the Salem area from the other day? We got to hear about it again. You know, maybe I've been looking at the KPTV "news" show all wrong. Maybe it's like a Top 40 radio station, where they play the same "hits" over and over. Do they take requests? Cause I'd like to hear about Conan Lapping's "Sickest of the sickest" tattoo again.

Linn County has a new tipline for crime: 866-557-9988. This is a crappy number; it doesn't spell out anything interesting. Click here.

Yamhill County has had to drop charges against 40 people who were set up by the police informant we talked about a few weeks ago. Even in this day and age of the "If it saves one life" mentality that justifies over-reaching by government agencies, entrapment is still technically illegal.

A porn store in Salem suffered a mysterious fire about midnight Friday. Is Astroglide combustible?

Despite the fact that there is a Total Burn Ban on right now, some people are a little slow to get the message. The family of a 12-year-old who was tending a fire in a barrel in Clackamas is apparently on the "Do Not Call" list. The fire got out of control and the father of the kid was cited by the cops.

War On Terror

• A memorial service was held for a local man who was a Navy Seal. His helicopter went down in Afghanistan.

Northwest Tonight

• A Catholic parish in Spokane may have to liquidate its assets to pay claims made by people who say they were molested by priests when they were younger. Have you seen the ads that some diocese is running to induce young men to be come priests? Gee, I can't imagine why the Catholic Church might be having trouble recruiting people for that gig. "The Catholic priesthood, a wholly-owned subsidiary of NAMBLA."
• 2 Level 3 sex offenders were murdered in Bellingham, Washington. Their other roommate said that a man showed up at their door, wearing a hat that said "FBI" and claiming to be an agent. Third Roomie left while the fake FBI guy was still talking to his 3 friends. FBI Guy is assumed to be the murderer, logically enough. This story was courtesy of "KPTV's Keli McAllister" who we only seem to see on weekends, for some reason.

Break.

America Tonight

• This was one of those stories that's only on the air because there happens to be some video of it. 4 men robbed a restaurant in North Carolina as it was closing. They were Caught On Camera, of course, which is why we got to watch them.
• There was some kind of bus race in Xenia, Ohio. The driver of one of the buses decided to get out in the middle of the race. Nobody really knows why, but it resulted in a fatality.
• La Jolla, the high-rent district of San Diego, was the scene of a devastating fire in an oceanside mansion. I would love to see a photo of the house burning in the foreground as the people on Black's Beach, the local nudist hangout, watch in the background.
• A hospital in Sleepy Hollow, New York, accidentally removed the wrong kidney from a patient. Now the patient may not survive. "My bad" doesn't even begin to cover this one! I smell a new Fox "reality" show coming out of this, though: America's Funniest Invasive Surgeries.
• A guy in Walkill, New York got PO'd when his place was burglarized so he installed a video camera system. Lo and behold, he caught the same burglar robbing the place a second time within a week. Smile for your close-up, Mr. Burglar.
• A male stripper killed a drag queen with a Samurai sword. I'll repeat that in case you didn't catch it the first time: A male stripper killed a drag queen with a Samurai sword. I was so stunned by this one that I didn't even catch where it happened. I think Quentin Tarantino is optioning the rights to this story for part of a new movie.
• At some point, shouldn't certain things cease to be news because similar things have happened so many times in the past? I vote for babies born in cars on the way to the hospital to be taken off the "news" list. Today's Baby Born In A Car story comes from Des Moines, Iowa. For the record, the car was in a gas station at the time.
• 4 puppies were rescued from a small space between two walls in Los Angeles. Add small animals being rescued to the "Not News Anymore" list.
• A minister is sitting on the roof of a Taco Bell in Phoenix. He says he is going to stay up there until he raises $1 million. I don't know what his cause is and I don't care. What I do know is that he is going to be up there for a really really long time if he's trying to get a million bucks from Taco Bell customers. Have you ever seen the people who eat at Taco Bell? There's a reason they have a 99 cent menu there. They'd have to have a payday loan operation on the premises if the food cost more than that.
• A "border crackdown" is in effect in the Las Cruces, New Mexico area. 11 million illegal aliens in this country and some goofballs are going to stem the tide coming across the border. Yeah, that'll work. I would recommend that these people read up about that Dutch boy with his finger in the dike.

World Tonight

• Since absolutely nothing interesting happened anywhere on the globe that doesn't happen to be part of the U.S., we got a recap of the story about the Turkish ship that caught fire in the Black Sea.
• And absolutely nothing more interesting than some bank robbers in China getting caught because of video cameras happened either.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• American troops found what looked to be a bomb factory in Iraq. It exploded while they were there. Also, the insurgency--which is in its "last throes" according to Vice-President Dick Cheney--blew up a bunch of stuff all over the place.
• Fourth time's the charm, or so the people writing the new Iraqi constitution hope. There's another deadline for completion of the constitution looming. Wanna bet they blow this one, too?
• Meanwhile, down in Crawford, Texas, home of President Bush's Summer Camp, some anti-anti-war protestors showed up to say that Cindy Sheehan doesn't speak for them, something she has never claimed to do. They also said that she lacks the ability to transmute lead into gold, or maybe I made that up. The audio on this piece said that there were "thousands" of anti-Sheehan protestors in Crawford. From what I've read elsewhere, the low estimate is 1500 and the anti-Sheehanites themselves claim 3000. The video made it look as if there might be 100 people protesting Sheehan. I'm always suspicious about the claimed size of a crowd when the TV shots are very tight. If there really was a large crowd, they'd back up and let you get a good look at it.

Break.

Fire Season 2005

• About 40 people displaced by the Deer Creek fire were able to return to their homes. It has consumed about 2000 acres so far and is 10% contained.

Hurricane Katrina, which KPTV told us earlier in the week would soon lose steam and become a tropical depression, is heading towards New Orleans. The Big Easy is below sea level and is particularly susceptible to damage from storms like this. Being below sea level, by the way, is why all burials in Nawlins are above ground. Just thought I'd mention that. Anyway, Katrina may soon be a Category 4 hurricane. Louisiana has declared a State of Emergency. "KPTV's Doug Luzader" brought us this story.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

An advocacy group is pissed at the NCAA for running ads for beer during their televised games, saying they send the ubiquitous "bad message" to youth. The NCAA says, "Oh yeah? Well, beer commercials are only 6% of all the ads we run. So there." "KPTV's Caroline Shivley" showed us a guy from Anheiser-Busch who said that it was just smart business to run ads for your product where your customers are. In that case, they should sponsor Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Hey, everyone there has an "interest" in alcoholic beverages, right? That's just smart business! Man, I should be a marketing consultant!

Some people in Britain are touting longer operating hours for bars as the answer to binge drinking. Counter-intuitive? You betcha! The logic here is that people drink a lot quickly to get it down their gullet before the pubs close (around 11 PM). If the pubs stayed open later, the theory goes, people wouldn't feel they had to get all their drinking done fast. O-kay.

Speaking of chemical overindulgence, didja know that it isn't illegal to be shitfaced in public in Oregon? If you're drunk on the street and you don't chuck a rock through a store window or moon traffic or something, all the cops can do now is take you to a hospital or detox unit. Some people would like to change the law to make it illegal to be drunk in public. And that will accomplish what, exactly?

Hollywood Buzz

• I've long had a theory that the way to succeed in America is to "Aim low and repeat." It's really just a restatement of "No one ever went broke underestimating the American public." Proof of this theory is the fact that country singer Gretchen Wilson has a successful career. Her best known song is "Redneck Woman." Does that clue you in as to the nature of her audience? Anyway, she has a new song called "Skoal Ring" about the smokeless tobacco; during her performances of it, she has been taking a can of Skoal out of her pocket. Tennessee's attorney general has asked her not to do that, since he says that the image of the can on the big video screens constitutes an advertisement for tobacco products. It sends the "wrong message" to America's youth, you see. Jesus H. Christ, EVERYTHING SENDS THE WRONG DAMN MESSAGE TO AMERICA'S YOUTH. Screw America's youth! Let 'em figure shit out for themselves like every generation before them had to. Having said that, I have to admit that the thought of kissing a woman who turned out to have a big ol' chaw in her cheek is more than moderately revolting.
• Martha Stewart will be a free woman as of the 31st of August. Now maybe she can return to her simple existance as a humble multi-multi-millionaire home maker and gardener.
• My fellow Mt. St. Michael Academy alumnus, Diddy, previously known as P. Diddy, more previously known as Puff Daddy, even more previously known as Sean Combs, has been found not guilty of assault. Against who? Like it matters? Like he won't be charged with assault against someone else within the next 90 days?

Again with the damn home sprinkler systems?? Didn't we just have a story about this the other night? Yup. I'm telling you, I'm really starting to suspect that the KPTV sales department drops not-so-subtle hints about businesses that they'd really like the news department to do stories about. David Wilson was in Tualatin to tell us about how builders like Harbor Homes are installing sprinklers in their new houses.

The turbine is finally out of the tunnel where I-205 meets I-84. That only took what? 3 or 4 days? It's now back on its way to somewhere in Washington State.

Writing about crap like the next story is starting to sap my will to live. Pete Ferryman went to a place called Advantage U. to run on a treadmill while wearing some scuba-looking equipment. A.U. does "physical assessments" of its clients. I don't get it; I HATED gym class in high school. I can't even imagine PAYING for the equivalent of gym class, run by health Nazis. I'm going to guess that trendy Yuppie crap like this is WAY beyond the budget of the average person. Read what I said about the KPTV sales department 2 paragraphs up.

Speaking of Yuppie crap, the Hood To Coast deal was this weekend. Teams of 12 ran or walked to Seaside from the Valley and told themselves that it wasn't just self-indulgence. The Run/Walk thingie is in its 24th year.

Finally, in Vancouver, old planes flew over town in a symbolic gesture to the Good Old Days of World War II. There's more of what the Frence call nostalgie de la bui (or something like that) which means "nostalgia for the mud" to be witnessed in Vancouver (slogan: "Gateway to Portland, a Much More Interesting Place") on Sunday.

Hilary wrapped up this nightmare perfectly in sync with the Pointless Countdown Clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• So, remember all those "terrorists" that the government has been holding in Guantanamo Bay? Remember how right-wing talk show hosts would get really really pissed off if you suggested that a lot of those people were just average Iraqis who got swept up and sent there for no good reason? Um, so what's the deal with the U.S. government quietly releasing about 1000 of the prisoners there with not so much as a trial for their "crimes?" Click here.
• From the AP: "President Bush on Saturday asked Americans to be patient with the U.S. military mission in Iraq, a request issued as less than half of those polled supported his war policy and thousands of pro-Bush and anti-war demonstrators competed for attention in his tiny hometown." Just for the record, Crawford has only been Bush's "hometown" since he ran for office in 1999.
• From Reuters: "President George W. Bush demanded on Saturday that the Palestinians respond to the Israeli pullout from Gaza and portions of the West Bank by cracking down on terrorism."

Friday, August 26, 2005

Yippie Kay Ay!

Top Story. KPTV ran a special Meth Watch show from 9:30-10:00 tonight so it's kind of fitting that the "Top Story" tonight is about everyone's favorite debilitating narcotic, methamphetamine. OK, so they had to go with a story about a meth bust that actually happened earlier this week, but hey, artistic license, OK? According to Jamie Wilson, who was On The Scene, it took 5--count 'em, 5--police agencies AND a SWAT team to carry this one off. 2 homes in Salem were involved and 8 people arrested. They carted off a pound of meth and a bunch of guns. 2 kids were put into protective custody.

In the Rose City (Portland), 3 people were arrested, allegedly as part of an ID theft ring. The constabulary (I get tired of constantly typing "police") says they grabbed $20,000 worth of stuff in the course of their crime spree.

Lookie, it's Steve Stokke again! The guy who tried to use someone else's credit card at the Red Lion Inn and ended up in the river was in court on Friday. Assault with a soggy weapon?

Newberg was the scene of a road rage incident, according to David Wilson (and who am I to argue with David Wilson?) 99W goes from 4 lanes down to 2, OK? A guy was PO'd because he couldn't get around a log truck. He finally did, using a left turn lane as a passing lane. The truck driver thought he'd have a word with Speed Racer who turned out to have a gun on the seat next to him. Mr. Trucker, remembering that discretion is the better part of valor, got back in his truck. He called the local constabulary (!) and they grabbed Pistol Boy soon after.

Stuff went kaboom at a mall in Washington County around 10 AM. Someone called 911 and, when the police arrived, they found what looked like parts of a pipe bomb. That's why malls should never have Bed, Bath and Pipe Bombs as a tenant.

Hilary Hutcheson and her retro 'do were in Beaverton (KPTV's generic location for stories that don't have a specific site) for this one. Seems some folks have figured out a way to scam those can recycling machines outside every big supermarket in Oregon. Responsible broadcasters that they are, KPTV wouldn't tell us exactly how the scam works, but they did say that it involved a can and a coat hanger. You mean like attaching the latter to the former so you can "insert" the same can over and over? They managed to find a wacky-looking homeless (I assume) guy to be the "man on the street" (literally, in this case) for the story.

The driver who caused a fatal crash in Vancouver last Saturday is in jail, suspected of having been shitfaced at the time of the accident. Wouldn't this be a more entertaining world if there was an official charge of "being shitfaced"? Come on, wouldn't you love to see arrest photos with the word "shitfaced" across the arrestee's face? I would and that's what will happen when I rule the Earth.

The truck driver who accidentally crossed I-205 and screwed things up royally has been charged with homicide. His bail? $250,000.

So, the Portland Police Bureau canned a cop who was convicted of drunk driving. End of story, right? Nope. A mediator ruled that firing someone who carries a gun on their job and has a drinking problem is too harsh a punishment so he has been reinstated. Doesn't this kind of contradict that Operation Safe Streets thing?

An apartment fire in North Portland wiped out a unit and caused an estimated $150,000 in damage. Nice apartment, especially for North Portland, wouldn't you say?

Remember that big turbine that fell off a truck in the tunnel where I-205 meets I-84? It's still there, blocking most of the lanes. No hurry getting it out of there; it's not as if those are busy roads or anything. Know how we'd handle that in the Bronx? We'd walk away from the thing and scavengers would strip it bare within 24 hours. And you wonder why I sometimes get homesick?

Break.

Keri Tomlinson told us from the safe haven of News Control that the Oregon Air Base has been saved from the chopping block. Does no one find it bizarre that the Bush administration is eliminating military bases during a war??

Washington State man Shawn James shot his girlfriend in Spanaway. So says "KPTV's Darren Dedo." The girlfriend had a restraining order, but little things like that never stopped Shawn, a self-ruined man. Now that the girlfriend is dead, the neighbors were just full of woulda/coulda/shouldas about how the two were using meth and so forth. The couple's child wasn't hurt and James was caught not far from the scene.

As they have wiped out all other crime, the Medford police had the time to bust 3 head shops for allegedly selling pot and fake urine. Back in my day, the head shops sold REAL urine, damn it! Actually, the fake pee is for passing drug tests.

There's some kind of sand sculpture exhibition in Seattle this weekend. The story mentioned "professional sand sculptors." OK, how do you get THAT gig? What would your resume look like if you were a professional sand sculptor? What do you do on your vacation, hang out in an office? Questions, questions, questions.

The ironically-named Shakedown Festival was cancelled at the last minute, leaving holders of tickets that cost up to $100 also holding the proverbial bag. 30 bands were scheduled to perform and the promoters haven't explained why they cancelled or if ticketholders can get their money back.

The Hood to Coast Run/Walk/Heart Attack takes place this weekend, with a finish line in Seaside, Oregon. 17,000 white wine drinking, slightly-left-of-center, predominantly white people will participate in this nose-thumbing to the internal combustion engine.

Military jets will fly over Vancouver this weekend, frightening those who think the white streaks behind them are "chemtrails," as part of the celebration of the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II, A/K/A The Last War Most People Can Agree On.

Shauna Parsons was all ooohie and aahie over the image of a male "tortoise shell" cat, reputedly "one in a thousand" (whatever that means). It's up for adoption at a local animal shelter. Screw all those unattractive strays. Fend for yourselves, uggos.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• Funny thing about that (3rd) deadline for the new Iraqi constitution. It came and went with nothing to show for it. Listen, if the Iraqi Provisional Authority asks me nice enough, I'll go to the nearest historical site's gift shop and buy them one of those "aged" copies of the American Constitution which they can then edit as needed. Once upon a time, I owned a 900 number on which a female friend of mine read the Preamble and Bill of Rights of the Constitution in a sexy voice. Yes, really. Click here (scroll down)
• General Richard Myers, the top American military commander in Iraq says that, although most of the American public now opposes the war, the troops' morale is still high.

Break.

Fire Season 2005

• The Deer Creek fire is such a major conflagration that Homeland Security has promised Oregon some Federal funding to fight it. Currently, 1000 fire fighters are dealing with it. It is 0% contained at this point.

Storm Team 12 (is that like the Fantastic Four?) showed up for work early to talk about Hurricane Katrina and how it will probably spend the weekend over the Gulf of Mexico before possibly hitting Florida's panhandle on Monday. Know what they didn't talk about? How they had said the other night that Katrina was losing steam. "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg" appeared via the magic of videotape to show us some storm porn of destroyed stuff and flooded streets in the Sunshine State.

Speaking of Florida, 1 million residents have no way to recharge their power wheelchairs and Rascal scooters since they have no electricity.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

• There was a big ol' fire and some explosions in a storage facility in Ft. Lauderdale.
• A pickup truck crashed into a store in St. Louis, Missouri.
• Police officers were officially cleared of charges in a Wal-Mart shooting in Texas.
• 3 sisters killed a man they suspect of having raped Sister Number Four in Maryland.
• Have you been jonesing for some Natalee Holloway news? Well, the authorities in Aruba have re-arrested two suspects in the case of her disappearance. All they'll say is that they have "new information."

America Tonight

• An accident in Wisconsin left 3 people dead.
• A Phoenix toddler is dead after drinking lighter fluid. You're supposed to cut that stuff with pineapple juice, aren't you?
• A big ol' passle o' bees was attracted to a basketball hoop in Tucson, Arizona. I think every game of basketball should include thousands of loose bees. Put the excitement back in the game, don't you think? Picture a grandstand filled with people in bee suits. Now THAT'S sports!
• How friggin' pathetic do you have to be to rob a convenience store with a FORK? As pathetic as the guy in Louisiana who did just that. He got caught, which is not surprising, since, as sure as Paper covers Rock, Police Revolver beats Fork everytime.
• 2 workers in New Hampshire found a bag filled with $33,000. If they had done the logical thing and kept the cash, while there would still be a story, it wouldn't be the same story because we wouldn't know that the money had been found by 2 workers, would we? No, these 2 Goody Two Shoes had to go be honest and turn the money in. Sheesh. What is this world coming to? The money fell off a Brink's truck, by the way.

World Tonight

A very large fire in an apartment complex in Paris killed 17 and injured 30. Le yikes!

A Turkish ship was on fire in the Black Sea. Many people have been rescued from the water.

British scientists are breeding South American frogs, having finally realized how incredibly boring the game of cricket is. OR they're doing it because the frogs are in danger of becoming extinct in their native land. You pick.

And now the kind of story the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show is best at: A smoking chimp. The chimp, who is a widow, is being weaned off cigarettes, which she smokes 7 or 8 of per day. It's a sad story. First, Bingo, her husband, died, then she lost her job at Fred Meyer. She has bronchitis and knows she shouldn't smoke but it helps settle her nerves. Actually, the chimp lives in China and her keepers are trying to use milk to get her off cigarettes. I like my version of the story better.

Meth Watch. Apparently, there can now be multiple Meth Watches per show. In a predictable reaction, the state of Idaho fears that the new Oregon law requiring prescriptions for cold meds containing pseudoephedrine will chase tweakers across the state line to Famous Potato Land. David Wilson made a return appearance near the KPTV "news" van to tell us that 80% of the Kootenai County jail's medical budget goes to dealing with meth addicts. Also, an Idaho retailers' association objects to the new law.

In Tucson, a school has phased out all textbooks for some classes, substituting computers instead. The lovely white computers they showed cost $800 per. Can you use "My dog ate my hard drive" as an excuse for not handing in work?

This just in: Girls in co-ed gym classes are more self-conscious than girls in non co-ed gym classes.

Starting next month, you'll be able to get one free copy of your credit report from the three major companies that keep 'em per year.

Hollywood Buzz

Some goofball was caught inside Jennifer Aniston's house in L.A. He just wanted to be Friends.

The SEC is investigating Pixar which reported lower-than-expected earnings which they blame on slow sales of The Incredibles DVD.

Sirius satellite radio will start airing their new Howard Stern channel next month, in anticipation of Stern's arrival in January--or sooner if a new FCC investigation into his show results in a fine. His current employer agreed to fire Stern if he got another fine.

The late Chris Farley was given his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I'll bet you didn't know that the people who receive stars there pay for them. Yes, really.

It wouldn't be an Official KPTV "news" show without them strapping on their special knee pads for American Idol. It was Day 2 of the Austin auditions for the inexplicably popular show.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

87% of the people polled say that they believe it is not unpatriotic to protest the war in Iraq.

Drug manufacturer Merck faces as many as 50,000 plaintiffs claiming that their now-discontinued medicine Vioxx caused them harm.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle!

Top Story. Home Invasion Spree. Ah, Ye Olde "Home Invasion" is back. Some guy "invaded" 4 homes in Gladstone while the residents were home. Brave or just really, really high? You make the call. I enjoyed the testimony of 1 of the victims who, as it turns out, lives in the basement of his mother's house and chased off the burglar with a wooden sword. If this guy's walls aren't covered with Star Wars posters, I don't have more than two chins. David Wilson gave us this compelling excuse for journalism. Oh, by the way, the alleged perpetrator is a black guy with a short station wagon.

Kind of a weird one here. A shooting victim was uncooperative when the cops arrived to help him and gave them false information about his identity, so they arrested him. Turns out he had an outstanding warrant. Silly victim.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Wayne Baggenstos (did I write that down correctly?) is on the loose again. He has failed to report in to his parole officer.
• Joseph Williams is a rapist and the police have lost track of him. Not good.

Steven Stokke tried to use another man's credit card at the Red Lion Inn in Vancouver. The clerk smelled a rat and tried to detain him until the cops arrived. Stevie Boy ran out the door and jumped into the Columbia River. A boater fished him out. Steve is soggy and under arrest now. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene for this one.

It isn't often that we owe a crook some gratitude, but I think we should thank the person who stole the trailer and equipment for No Need 4 Proof, a Christian rock band. Remember what I said the other night about "positive hip hop" absolutely having to suck? Double that for Christian rock. Want proof? Try this from their website, noneed4proof.com :

"No Need 4 Proof is a dynamic Christian rock band from Portland, Oregon. No Need 4 Proof covers the entire spectrum; warm, southing sounds of contemporary worship found in most of today's churches, to original songs that can come crashing in like thunder in a Mid-Western sky. In any case, your heart will be lifted, and the Lord will be praised for the awesome God that He is!"

Is there any doubt in your mind that their music bites the Big Gadinga? Besides, although their site doesn't explain the origin of their name, I'm sure it comes from the same "Don't confuse me with the facts" mindset that's behind the bumper stickers that say, "God said it, I believe it and that settles it." If I was a praying man, I would pray that they never get their instruments back.

An arsonist was sort-of caught on camera in Aloha. I say "sort-of" because they can't determine much about the person from the tape. The fire was started in a recycling bin and nearby locations.

Josiah Richards has now been charged with the murder of his girlfriend's 2-year-old daughter.

Jadyn, the girl in question, was buried on Thursday.

Manslaughter charges were brought against the caretakers of another 2-year-old who died in Vancouver. Of particular interest is the fact that the mother didn't call 911 when the child was found unconscious.

Meth Watch

• The next piece was a recap of the facts in the case of the 2-year-old who had meth in her system. The mother and boyfriend are in custody and a third adult is sought in connection with the crime. Jesus, I'm getting sick of stories about abused toddlers. How am I supposed to make jokes about stuff like this?

Break.

A gunman robbed a Milwaukie restaurant a while back. Patrick Ogburn is sought in connection with this crime. They should arrest him just for that weird last name.

The FBI, in a desperate attempt to prove that they aren't just a bunch of incompetants who fuck up and drop the ball on major cases, put all that stuff they seized the other day when they raided a bunch of second-hand stores on display. "Look at all the food processors, taxpayers! LOOK AT THEM!!!!"

Why all the drinking, people? Isn't the scenic beauty of the Beaver State enough to amuse you? Apparently not. Some douchebag got himself a DUII for losing control of his vehicle and hitting a van, injuring a kid's neck.

A semi crossed I-205 when the driver fell asleep at the wheel, resulting in a charge of negligent homicide. That means that someone got to meet Jesus, right?

Alan Watkins, who looks like he wants people to think he's tough, is in prison in Pendleton. In an attempt to prove my theory, he attacked a guard there around 8 AM on Thursday. Alan, why can't you be more like that nice Martha Stewart; she was a model prisoner who never stuck anyone with a shiv. If she had, however, it would have been with a very tasteful homemade shiv, I'm sure. The guard is not seriously hurt.

Hey, speaking of prisons, there's a proposal to build a new one with over 1600 beds. Where? Dunno. KPTV didn't think that little detail was important, apparently. I'm sure every community would welcome a big ass prison like that, seeing as how every right-thinking citizen seems to think that the answer to every societal problem is to lock more people up, so don't any of you dare bitch if and when it's announced that the new prison is going to be in your backyard. Damn, that was a long sentence. Anyhoo, if and when they approve this nightmare, it will be open by 2010.

Some vandals were caught and arrested in Newport. They were scribbling on the side of some pottery business.

Fire Season 2005

• The brand-spanking new Deer Creek fire has already consumed 1500 acres.
• Next we got a recap of yesterday's story about the fire on the side of 99E near Oregon City.
• There was also a 3-alarm fire in Newburg.

This next story was sort of confusing. The Chyron said "Man Rescued" but the copy was about a 61-year-old guy who died in the mouth of the Columbia River. I wouldn't call pulling a corpse out of the water a "rescue."

Northwest Tonight

A toddler fell 3 stories and lived to tell about it in Auburn, Washington back on Monday. The parents were out and a cousin was babysitting. Babies, like drunks, are really really resilient. Also like drunks, they don't talk very well. For some reason, this story reminded me that sometimes, in carnivals in the old pre-PC days, they would have displays of fake, rubber, fetuses in glass jars, called "bouncers." Yes, I DO have a head full of weird and useless facts, thank you very much. "KPTV's Deborah Feldman" was the "reporter" on this story.

73-year-old Robert Clements is in jail for sexual assaults in the school he worked in. Ready for irony? Clements helped write the rules against sexual contact with students for the school. Pervert heal thyself, I say.

Crisis In The Classroom

Local schools have 90 days to review the rules concerning Talented and Gifted classes. There's some concern that they aren't adequately addressing the needs of the students in those classes. The kids are "talented and gifted?" How's about we put them to work writing the new rules? Harness some of that mental horsepower.

Break.

The committee back in Washington, D.C. is still mulling over which military bases to close. They're dealing with the Air Force now and since they haven't made up their minds yet, Oregon's Air Force facilities are safe--for the moment. Hey, want to know what to buy me for my next birthday (February 16)? I kind of have a hankering for that big blimp hangar outside of Tillamook. I have this fantasy where I live in the hangar. I call for pizza delivery and when the kid arrives, he rings the doorbell and I open the 100-foot high doors at the end of the building, take the pizza, pay him and close the doors behind me as I walk back inside, leaving him standing there with his jaw hanging open.

Fight For Iraq

• The deadline for completion of the new Iraqi constitution is Friday morning. This, of course, would be the THIRD deadline so far. We saw video of people "celebrating" in the streets in support of the constitution. If I found out that it was actually video of people chanting "Death to Bush" I wouldn't fall over in a dead faint. It seems to me that, in Iraq, people are always out in the streets, chanting something or other. Every day is Mardi Gras in Iraq. A very anti-American Mardi Gras. With bullets. And improvised explosive devices.
• Speaking of everything going just dandy in Iraq, 8 of the president's bodyguards were killed in Kirkuk on Thursday. The president wasn't in the motorcade at the time. Is Kirkuk Detroit's sister city? If not, that would be a funny thing to propose to the Sister City Committee or whoever determines those things.

War On Terror

I'm not exactly sure how this story comes under the "War On Terror heading, but whatever... An American citizen who is a veteran and who happens to be of Palestinian extraction received an invoice from Chase Bank, addressed to "Palestinian Bomber." To make matters worse, when he called the bank to complain, the operator called him "Mr. Bomber." Yeah, that would piss anyone off, but I thought he was laying it on a little thick when he said that it was going to take him years to get over this slight. Anyone else smell a lawsuit in the making?

Break.

It's Thursday, so it's time for Dirty Dining. Keri Tomlinson made a rare appearance in the studio for this one. The McKenzie Pub in Sherwood failed two consecutive health inspections recently for things like mold in the ice machine. By the way, if you ever get the chance to see them in concert, Mold In The Ice Machine are FABULOUS! The owner of the pub had no comment when Keri tried to talk to him about the problems. The place has since fixed them and passed their most recent inspection.

The metaphorical shit is hitting the metaphorical fan in Southeast Florida. 1 million people were without electrical power on Thursday night, according to "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg" who, by the way, is a woman.

So, uh, when KPTV said last night that Hurricane Katrina was losing steam and would probably become a tropical depression soon, they had no friggin' idea what they were talking about, huh? Katrina, which is still a damn HURRICANE, hit the Florida coast in the Broward-Dade counties area (between Miami and Ft. Lauderdale). 2 people were hit by falling trees.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

Remember the early oughts when Enron would randomly turn off the power to Southern California in a zany attempt to raise prices for electricity? Well, rolling blackouts are back! (by the way, if you ever get the chance to see them, Rolling Blackouts are fantastic in concert!)

A constructor worker was injured when a wall fell on him in New Jersey.

A record producer is missing in Topanga Canyon, Los Angeles. He made a bizarre call to 911, claiming that he was being pursued by Internet spammers. The police have found his eyeglasses but not him.

It was Car VS. Funeral Home in Atlanta. Car won by crashing throught the wall of the home.

No, that's NOT a new creamer! A post office worker in Akron, Ohio was caught urinating in the office coffee pot. I loved the Akronite we saw on tape who opined that the worker should be fired for that. Gee, you sure you want to express a controversial opinion like that on camera, Butch?

A "lifesize" sign of Smokey The Bear was stolen in Trevlac, Indiana. Um, Smokey isn't real and real bears don't walk around wearing a trooper hat and bluejeans, so how can you determine what "lifesize" would be in this case? Here's what Smokey looks like now that his sign has been stolen: Click here

A Mom and Pop food joint in Chicago is getting static for selling "ghetto fries." The owner says it isn't racist; it just refers to fries "from the hood." Maybe the real problem is that he will only sell his black customers watermelon and grape soda. Joke.

World Tonight

• A typhoon is nearing Tokyo. First Godzilla, now this. Will it never end?
• Floods are causing problems in Germany and Switzerland, including train stoppages caused by tracks being under water. You know what Amtrack calls a day like that? Tuesday. (I'm going to keep using that joke until it becomes funny.)

A young girl, on an outing with a church camp, fell 40 feet down a cliff in Oswald West State Park on the Oregon coast. A stranger at the bottom of the cliff heard the girl's cries and summoned help. She was Lifeflight'ed out to Portland. She's going to be OK; thankfully, no one used the word "miracle" to describe her survival. Her parents are ticked at the camp for not paying more attention to the kids but they say they aren't going to sue. Hilary Hutcheson for whom I'm considering starting a fund to buy her a perm, was near the KPTV "news" van for this story.

The next story claimed that the government is trying to figure out how to regulate the use of maggots and leeches by doctors. This isn't as rare as you might imagine; I was married to a hospital pharmacy director for 11 years and she told me that doctors sometimes order the little creepy crawlers from mail-order companies for use during surgery.

Pump Patrol

• On Thursday, gas was $2.43/gallon on North Lombard in Portland and $2.95 at a station at Grand and Stark. And now you know.

Bwahahahaha. Next we got to see a gas station sign that read Regular: [picture of an arm], Mid-level: [picture of a leg] and High Test: First Born. Oh, the hilarity of price gouging for a vital commodity!

Volvo is developing a seat belt Breathalyzer that would require the operator to blow into a tube, registering a legal blood alcohol limit before the car could be started. Has anyone else noticed that the more we try to make the world "safe," the more life sucks? You want safety, I'll give you safety. My solution: DUI (or DUII in Oregon) = life sentence, no exceptions. The streets will be empty within a year. There, now you're safe!

"Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature nor do
the children of men as a whole experience it.
Life is either a daring adventure.
Or nothing."
Helen Keller

All hail your new American Scrabble champion from Portland. He got a big novelty check for $25,000. Get yourself one: Click here.

A new Dove Lewis animal hospital broke ground on Thursday by having some doggies dig a hole. Shauna Parsons thought this was just the cutest thing EVER! Shauna Parsons needs to get out of the house more.

Hollywood Buzz

Jerry Seinfeld gave birth to their third child on Thursday. The boy is named Residual Check Seinfeld--or should be.

Many, many self-deluded people, in the mistaken impression that they possess talent, showed up to audition for American Idol in Austin, Texas. "KPTV's Tasha Martinez" was the face on this piece.

And with that, the mighty engine known as the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show clattered to a close.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Fox News Channel screwed up big-time by giving out a family's address on the air, claiming that it was where some terrorists lived. From sploid.com: “In what Fox News officials concede was a mistake, John Loftus, a former U.S. prosecutor, gave out the address Aug. 7, saying it was the home of a Middle Eastern man, Iyad K. Hilal, who was the leader of a terrorist group with ties to those responsible for the July 7 bombings in London. Hilal, whom Loftus identified by name during the broadcast, moved out of the house about three years ago. But the consequences were immediate for the Voricks.”

European officials think that the bird flu may kill millions of people. Also from sploid.com: ‘Millions and millions would die, and a pandemic would change society as we know it,’ said Tamsin Rose of the European Public Health Alliance. ‘And no-one seems prepared.’

According to Business Week, bankruptcies have hit an all-time high in America. This is in advance of a new law which will severely limit the ability to file for bankruptcy.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Whee doggies! Now that we've quoted Jeb Clampett, let's dig in...

Top Story. "Adrian," a young Albany woman was raped back in July. Her attacker had his way with her for two and a half hours in the Phoenix Inn in Albany. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene of the attack. Obviously, the rapist is being sought by the cops.

Josiah Richards is accused of causing the death of Jadyn, the daughter of his girlfriend. Jadyn was two and a half years old. The death happened last Friday in Gresham.

Meth Watch

• The suspect in a home burglary (gee, not a "home invasion"?) in July is sought by the police. Nifty police sketch on him, by the way.
• Derrick Kirk, who tried--well, succeeded actually--running from the cops the other day has been caught and arrested.

A mom and her boyfriend/husband/baby daddy/whatever are accused of child neglect in Beaverton. They allegedly locked the boy out of their house for 8 hours the other day. Neighbors who witnessed the boy on the lawn, crying, were all "Oh yeah, they're bad parents" and all that but they didn't call the cops. Well, one guy did, but the rest of them didn't want to get involved apparently, even though they say they suspect that drugs were being dealt out of the house. Oh, the boyfriend blames his girlfriend/wife/baby momma/whatever, saying she's a bad parent. You might as well just reserve a juvy cell for this kid to use in a few years; he's on the short track to detention.

A local civil rights activist has been arrested for an alleged attempted murder in The Dalles, the windiest city in the Gorge. And, I believe, the furthest east town in Oregon to have a Burgerville, USA.

Your tax dollars at work: The FBI raided 10 second-hand stores in the Portland area. The feds say that the stores knowingly bought stolen stuff and resold it. 27 suspects were taken into custody. I LOVE it when a neighbor says, on camera, that they DID expect that sort of activity in that neighborhood and we got one of those quotes in this piece. Thanks ever so much, David Wilson!

3 women got E. coli after visiting the petting zoo at the Clark County Fair. Doesn't everyone know by now that you are supposed to wash your hands after fondling the little goats and before eating? And we call ourselves a First World country!

Break.

Fire Season 2005

• Highway 99 in the Oregon City area was shut down for a bit on Wednesday because of a fire.
• Yay! The Blossom fire is now 100% contained.

Remember that story from the other night about the Marion County school that had a fire and how the school board said the school wouldn't be open in time for the new school year? Well, they managed to scrounge up five classrooms elsewhere for the kids to be bored in.

Washington County has taken a giant step forward into the Brave New World by starting to put GPS tracking devices on low-risk inmates. Tell the taxpayers it will save them money (even though, in the long run, it never does) and you can justify anything at all. "Execute jaywalkers? Gee, I don't know. That seems a bit extreme. Oh, it will save me tax money? Can I pull the lever?"

4 teens went a bit crazy nutso in Battle Ground, using a Bobcat and other industrial equipment to cause $30,000 in damage to local businesses. Using the logic that says that playing violent video games causes kids to kill people, though, naming your town Battle Ground might induce kids to act like this. Just saying.

Spencer Kost, the guy with all the pipe bombs from the other day, had his first day in court. OK, this guy had explosives in his car and like two dozen pipe bombs in his home; explain to me why he hasn't been referred to as a "possible terror suspect" on the news. Is it unfair to think that perhaps it's because he's a white guy? Seriously, do you think for a moment that if he looked ever remotely Arabic, he wouldn't be portrayed as a terrorist out to kill all of us and put an end to democracy? Isn't it just possible that, despite his lack of melanine, that's exactly what this douchebag wanted to do?

Kyla Fields and Tyler Edmonds are charged with giving that little girl currently in the Salem hospital the meth that was found in her system. Hold your calls, we have two winners in the Parents of the Year contest!

Mary Louise Cervantes has been charged with "delivering" meth to her unborn child through her umbilical cord. O-kay. I don't think I have a problem with charging her with something, but "delivering" a drug through a body organ seems like a stretch, doesn't it?

Classrooms in Crisis

Some guy who got fired by a local school board got a $620,000 judgment. Wrongful firing, said the court. The guy said his reputation had been besmirched, although I don't think he used the word "besmirched." Who's the guy? Dunno. Which school district? Dunno. Can't write fast enough at times. I suck.

Golly, the people on the Oregon coast just might survive the next tsunami after all. The state is trying out a "reverse 911" system which would automatically call locals to alert them in the event of a tsunami warning. It is going to be tested in Newport, which, you'll remember, didn't do well the last time there was a real tsunami warning, back in June.

A local woman who wished to remain anonymous told KPTV that she has a "miraculous" picture of Jesus on her window. Even though she helpfully pointed out the points of interest in the stain on her window (which she says appeared about a year ago), I couldn't see a damn thing. If she's reading this, I would suggest she look up the word "pareidolia." Actually, that goes for anyone who sees Jesus' face in their cheese sandwich or whatever. She says that she's not even a Christian but the face is a "sign of peace," whatever the hell that means. Question: Why did she wait a year to tell anyone about this? Question Two (now that I think about it): Why did she tell the news about it if she wants to remain anonymous?

Break.

Northwest Tonight

We got to see video of a violent beating of some recent returnees from Iraq which took place in Seattle on July 31.

Vancouver, Washington will be hosting a Tribute to World War II in honor of the 60th anniversary of the Big War, starting Friday morning. Do we really want to celebrate a war? Guess so.

As part of the inexplicable closing of military bases during a time of war, 2 local facilities are getting the axe. One of 'em is the Naval Reserve Station and the other is in Umatilla. Call me a cockeyed pessimist but I'm betting that this is a backdoor way of getting more troops to send to Iraq.

Break.

Look everyone, it's one of those "pull a story out of your ass" stories. Podnography. Yes, you read that right, podnography. See, there's some X-rated audio stuff available on the Internets that you could theoretically download to your iPod. Of course, you could just as easily (actually, given the fact that iPods only play Apple's proprietary audio format, more easily) download any MP3 material to your computer or a non-iPod player. If they mentioned that, though, they couldn't have used the catchy neologism "podnography." And isn't catchy phrasing what "journalism" is really all about? You know, if you listen very closely while watching KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show, you can actually hear the sound of your brain dying.

Google has announced a new, free, chat and Internet phone service. KPTV didn't give the address, so I will: http://www.google.com/talk/ Enjoy!

U.S. Airways is changing the colors of their planes. And this is news how, exactly?

Tropical Storm Katrina is moving very slowly toward Florida and/or the Gulf Coast, causing some meterologists to think that it's slowly heading toward tropical depression status. It still has the possibility of causing as much as 20 inches of rain to fall in a single day. Know what they call a day like that on the Oregon coast? Tuesday. (Yeah, I know I used that same joke the other day.)

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

• Police in Texas were involved in a deadly shootout following a chase. After they killed the guy, they found scads of ammunition in his car. I think ammo a factory-installed option for cars purchased in Texas.
• The guy who shot some people outside a Wal-Mart this week has been arrested. There's some indication that he's mental. Gee, you think?
• A car chase in Cincinnati ended up in front of the local police station. This was promo'd as "You won't believe where the chase ended." Uh, it ain't all that amazing.
• A bus driver lost control and ran over a young girl in Culpeper, Virginia. I've actually been to Culpeper, Virginia a few times. There used to be a KFC with an all-you-can-eat buffet there. But I digress. I was there to drop off a resume at the local radio station but I couldn't find anyone in town who knew where the radio station was--including a sheriff's deputy. When I was growing up in New York City, I thought that, in a small town, everyone would just know where everything was. My experience with small towns has been the exact opposite; no one ever knows where anything is.
• A 14-year-old driver in Texas crashed into a daycare center. No juice box for you, Missy!
• Cops found the elements of a meth lab in the basement of a church in Indiana. The janitor is being blamed. The fact that it was the Church of the Holy Buzz should have been their first clue.
• A Massachusetts crypt was burglarized and body parts were stolen, although some have been recovered. My wife's joke: They've been decrypted. I've heard worse.
• First, Pat Robertson said that Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, should be assassinated. Then, when the shit hit the inevitable fan, he said he didn't say it, claiming to have been "misinterpreted," even though his meaning was crystal clear. Then he apologized for saying the thing he previously said he didn't say. He's a special kind of crazy, isn't he?

World Tonight

• A plane crashed in Peru, landing in foot-deep mud.
• A cruise ship caught fire off the coast of Greece. None of the 2000 people on board was injured.

A local stadium has upgraded its facilities. Now it wants to test the plumbing, so they're looking for 350 people to flush all the toilets simultaneously. Confession: Several years ago, a friend of mine was a morning drive DJ on a station in the South. The local arena in his area had just upgraded its bathrooms so he called me to pretend to be the onsite plumber. I was actually in my own home, but I pretended to be in a men's room at the arena and flushed my toilet for the amusement of his audience. I'm so ashamed. Now that I've confessed, can I go to Heaven when I die?

Pump Patrol

• A professor at Oklahoma State University has developed a way to turn grass clippings into something resembling gasoline. He says he can produce the stuff for about $1/gallon. I was absolutely certain that someone would use the word "grassoline" but I was disappointed.
• Old mechanical gas pumps can't handle prices over $3/gallon, meaning that the stations that still use them will have to close if the price goes that high. Um, I remember a similar problem back in the 70's when gas prices went over a dollar a gallon for the first time. Pump attendants used calculators to figure out the difference. Why couldn't they just do something similar now?

Arbor Homes in Sherwood are installing sprinklers in their newly-constructed houses. And this is a story how, exactly? How much influence does the sales department have over the news content at KPTV? Just asking.

I-Team 12

• I don't know where Keri Tomlinson was hiding, but Hilary Hutcheson, complete with her new/old hairdo, was in the I-Team saddle tonight. This was twaddle about how some restaurants automatically put a 20% tip on your check, but they remove it after 3 days or when your charge clears the bank, whichever comes first. Unless you use your debit card, which works differently somehow. Beats me.

Next was some pointless stuff about weight loss for teens. You can have a "lapband" surgically put around the top of your stomach. The only thing was, although it was billed as being about weight loss for TEENS, the story actually said that it isn't recommended for anyone under 18. Not mentioned was the fact that few health insurance policies are going to pay for this, so it's essentially impossible to obtain for most families. Eh, details, details.

The American Idol tour hit the Rose Garden Wednesday night. What's the slogan for this tour? "You saw these third-rate talents for free on TV. Now you can pay good money to see them."

Hollywood Buzz

In a marvelous piece of cross-promotion for a Fox show, we heard about a new line of clothing for women based on what characters on The O.C. wear. I think Cops should put out a line of pants that hang off your ass and wife-beater shirts.

Keanu Reeves is dating Diane Keaton. I would like to propose a double remake: Bill and Annie Hall's Excellent Adventure.

Lastly, Scarlett Johansson was being chased on the L.A. area freeways by 4 SUV's filled with paparazzi. She turned into the Disneyland parking lot, thinking that that would somehow help her alude them. She managed to crash into a car containing a woman and her Disney-starved kids. She called 911 to report the accident. I loved it when she explained that she was being pursued by paparazzi and the 911 operator asked "Why?" Not an unreasonable question. No injuries.

Hey, where was the Countdown Clock tonight? I feel cheated.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Oil hit an all-time record high price of $67.40 a barrel. Better replace those mechanical gas pumps!

From sploid.com: "The Utah County Sheriff’s Department is facing heavy criticism, even possible lawsuits the way it broke up a party over the weekend … Rave party guests from around the world claim the sheriff used excessive force to break up the party … and they may seek redress in federal court."

Say, remember that guy who was shot in the London tube station by cops who said that he was wearing a long coat in July and jumped over a turnstile, causing them to think that he was a terrorist? Funny thing about that. Turns out that he wasn't wearing a long coat and only ran after the cops started chasing him. Oh, the cops originally said that there was no surveillance video of him being shot. Now it turns out that there is video of the killing. This story is a big deal in England; the American media carried the initial version of it but has pretty much totally dropped the ball on the follow-up. Try this: click here.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm back. Didja miss me?

Top Story. Hmm, I can't remember them ever kicking things off with Meth Watch before. Anyhoo, David Wilson was On The Scene in Salem to tell us about a toddler named Alaya [sp?] who apparently ingested some meth. I don't think that's a flavor in the Gerber line. The little tweaker is now in Salem Hospital. According to neighbors, Alaya's family suddenly disappeared. Yeah, I'll bet they did.

Speaking of meth, some Washington County sheriff's deputies brought an anti-meth slideshow to a local arcade, the better to entertain (and scare the living shit out of) some pre-teens.

A big accident on Highway 26 had the road shut down near Murray Blvd.

E.R. Danger. A hopped-up teenage girl (do they still use the term "hopped-up"?) named Holly Fredrikson [sp?] went nutzo on 3 nurses at the Longview St. John Hospital.

A bank in Tualatin was robbed about 2 PM on Tuesday. 2 men are sought in connection with the crime. In other words, they robbed the joint, got away and the cops are looking for them.

Fox 12's Most Wanted.

• The cops are looking for Humberto Conchola, but they aren't saying why.
• A white guy is sought in connection with an attempted rape. We got to see one of those cool police sketches of this weasel.
• Derrik Kirk was stopped for a traffic violation, but took off at high speed. The police assume this is indicative of criminal activity of some sort.

A Vancouver woman has had her home robbed twice in recent weeks. During the second incident, the 77-year-old victim actually caught the guy inside the house. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene for this story. We got the first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in some time in this piece. The classics are still the best, aren't they?

Thanks to a suspicious fire, a school in Marion County isn't expected to be ready to open for the new year.

A fire in Kalama the other day is believed to have been caused by the stove doing something or other. A not-good something or other.

Gang activity is suspected in the shooting out of the windows of 2 apartments in St. Johns. No injuries. How low-rent does a gang have to be to be based in St. Johns, Oregon? Is this like the Crips AA team or something?

Break.

Dee Baker is a living testament to the adage, "Black don't crack." She's a 48-year-old black woman who has a handicapped pass for her car. She parked in a handicapped spot the other day and got a $450 ticket from an enforcement agent who thought she was in her 20's or 30's and therefore couldn't possibly be the woman the pass was issued to. Now Baker has to go to court to get the ticket voided.

Josh Servin was arrested for selling meth across from a skate park recently. I love his "alibi": "Uh, that's OLD meth. I wasn't trying to sell it. I don't do that anymore." He says he's a changed man. That may be but in my opinion he needs to work on his bullshitting skills.

A fire that consumed a triplex in Lake Oswego is believed to have been started by a cigarette carelessly thrown into a pile of bark dust. Duh.

Some do-gooders with way too much time on their hands also got their hands on a speed gun and a readout board, thanks to the Tigard cops. They say people drive too fast through their neighborhood so they sit at the curb, pointing the gun at speeders. If the driver exceeds 35, they signal to their kids, sitting at the end of the block, who write down the license plate and info about the vehicle, which is then turned over to the cops. Welcome to Newmerica, where everyone rats everyone else out! Debra Gil gave us this story.

Some creepy SOB is alleged to have molested a young Castle Rock, Washington, girl back in April. So, why the delay? The girl just told her mom about it the other day.

Speaking of delays, 3 men are accused of involvement in a fatal stabbing back in March in Hillsboro.

Remember the racial attack outside a Gresham 7-11 the other day. 2 white guys have been arrested in connection with the crime.

Break.

Ecstasy use is way up in the Northwest, according to "KPTV's Dan Springer" who thinks he works for Fox News Channel. In Seattle, some dealers are getting as much as $20 for one pill. The cops say that a lot of the X (see, for a Straight Edge type, I know my dope terminology) comes across the border from Canada. Recently, a Canadian woman running for office in British Columbia was arrested for selling ecstasy. She said she was selling the stuff to pay for her campaign. See, the Canucks are WAY ahead of us when it comes to campaign finance reform!

Break.

War On Terror

• Remember Pat Tillman who turned down a lucrative NFL contract to fight in Iraq and subsequently got killed in action. Remember how the Pentagon first tried to say that he was killed by enemy fire, then had to backtrack when some of the other soldiers in his unit contradicted that story? Remember how his family was pissed off at the lie? Well, now the Pentagon says it will conduct a new review of the facts in his death.
• The New York City transit system has awarded a $212 million contract to Lockheed Martin to install 1000 cameras and 3000 motion detectors in the subways. I've said this before, but I'll repeat myself: I remember when I was a boy in school in New York City and the nuns taught me that one of the reasons the Soviet Union was EVIL was that it spied on its citizens--you know, like people are routinely spied on here today. So, are we now the NEW Evil Empire?

Some cruise line is offering free trips to military personnel and, presumably, their families. It's a nice gesture but I imagine that the cruise business is down at the moment and this is a way to fill up some of those empty cabins. Still, if I had a relative in the Army, I'd jump at this deal.

It's official: Pat Robertson is fucking nuts. On Monday's 700 Club show, he said that American agents should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the democratically-elected president of Venezuela. It would be cheaper than a war, you see. The fact that Chavez hasn't actually done anything to America seems to have escaped Robertson's notice. Chavez is kind of left-leaning and on Planet Cuckoo, that's enough of a reason to advocate death for him. The White House responded to Robertson by saying he had "gone too far." The State Department said the remarks were "inappropriate." Whoo, Robertson's gonna feel that wrist-slapping! I guess I didn't get the memo; we're down to NINE commandments now?

Pump Patrol. The average price for a gallon of gas in Oregon is now $2.64. In Portland, it's running $2.57 and in Vancouver, you're paying $2.61.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

• An inexplicable shooting in the parking lot of a Phoenix-area Wal-Mart killed 2 people. The shooters were caught in a nearby retirement community.
• A 3-year-old accidentally shot her sister in Miami. Sis is in critical condition.
• A huge flaming douchebag named Marcus Godwin admitted to a TV camera that he had committed murder. His head was sticking out of the window of a cop car when he decided to brag about his crime. Gee, wanna bet the videotape gets subpoenaed for his trial? This happened in North Carolina.
• Caught On Tape. 2 losers repeatedly ran over a pizza delivery man in a gas station in Michigan.
• Vandals were caught on tape not once, but twice, in Toledo, Ohio.
• A car with Connecticut plates was involved in a hit and run at 40th St. and Broadway in New York City. That isn't actually "in" Times Square as the promo for this story had it, but two short blocks south.
• A boat filled with escaping Cubans capsized near Miami, Florida. 3 people have been found and the Coast Guard is still looking for more.
• A 31-year-old man impersonated a teenager and molested at least 18 kids. Where? Dunno. Missed it. Sorry.
• 16 pigs escaped from a truck onto I-40 in North Carolina. 10 were hit by cars and killed. The truck driver says he doesn't know how they got out. I like to fantasize that they're all offspring of Arnold Ziffel from Green Acres and are therefore smart enough to pick the lock.
• Golly gee, KPTV is going all high-tech and stuff. If you go to their website, KPTV.com, you can use a new feature that lets you pick the stories you want to see, put them in the order you want to see them and watch them. David Frietas/Freitas was unchained from the KPTV "news" van and allowed inside the studio for this vital story. We even got to meet Seth Nickerson, KPTV.com webmaster. What they didn't tell you is that if you only have dialup internet access, you'd grow very old waiting for the stories to download and run.
• Cancer Warnings. Ovarian cancer patients report stomach problems twice as much as other people. This means something. What, I don't know, but it means something.
• Aspirin may prevent colon cancer but it also causes bleeding. SPOILER ALERT: It has been known for a long time that aspirin thins the blood which is why professional wrestlers take an aspirin before a match in which they are going to make themselves bleed. Thinner blood mixes with the sweat better and looks like more blood.
• Next up was a story about ADHD and kids. Turns out that 4-12% of kids have ADHD. We met an 11-year-old girl who has ADHD; her mom gets together with the school counselor every year and works out a plan to help her daughter.
• Then we got one of those stories that is a total friggin' waste of airtime. Cell Phone Bling. Just from those three words, you see my point, right? We were told that Paris Hilton paid $500,000 to cover her cell phone/Blackberry/whatever in diamonds. I doubt that; it sounds like something her publicist came up with to keep her name in the papers. Anyway, a company called TingBling will do your cellie in Swarovsky crystals for two Benjamins.
• Here's a reason to keep on living: American Idol judge Randy Jackson is getting his own talk show. Prediction: one season, tops.

Hollywood Buzz

• Is Britney Spears a bigamist? A British talk show host says he "married" Britney as a gag when she appeared on his show. Even though her bodyguards ripped up the certificate at the end of the show, the host says he is still legally married to her.
• There IS a God! Courtney Love, finalist in the 2005 Junkie of the Year contest, is NOT pregnant again.
• Halley Berry and Bruce Willis are going to make a movie that no one will see called Perfect Stranger.

Wayne Garcia ended the Final Cut right on time! Whoo!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• This is hilarious! Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, in response to Pat Robertson advocating his death, offered to sell gas at half the current U.S. price to poor American communities. Check this out: Click here.

• From the AP: "Asking for increased vigilance in the wake of the London bombings, the government is warning that terrorists may pose as vagrants to conduct surveillance of buildings and mass transit stations to plot future attacks." Ever notice that the government never warns us about affluent-looking white guys? If you're a terrorist, the absolute best way you can alude detection is to buy yourself a nice suit and briefcase and hang around Wall Street.
• Police are searching for singer Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend who went missing the other day but they say they are no closer to solving the case than they were days ago.