Oh, it’s SO amusing when the weekend tech crew is on at KPTV! You might think that a major market TV station would take enough pride in its product to make sure that the people running their “news” show were competent. Yeah, you’d think that, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you like technical flubs, make sure to set the TiVO for Channel 12 from Friday to Sunday nights. More below.
Top Story. David Wilson was at the main post office in Portland to pose in front of some mailboxes for this story. The cops have nabbed Joe Johansen, who they say was involved in the theft of those mailbox keys recently. The landlady at his home at 92nd and Glisan says she saw him coming and going at odd hours, like 3 AM. An anonymous tip led the cops to Johansen and they say they found 2 of the keys, along with some mail and other things, at his place. The feds would like to have a talk with Mr. Johansen, too. The police won’t say if there are any other suspects.
Fox 12’s Most Wanted
- The Marion County law enforcement people would like to find 2 men, both registered sex offenders, who haven’t bothered to check in with their parole officers lately.
- The Maez’s, the parents of the girl who says she was locked inside a small trailer with a bucket for a toilet when she was bad, are still on the run. They may be in Arizona or Texas, where behavior like that is called “good Christian parenting.”
An Iraqi war vet, accused of child rape and other icky crimes, has entered a plea of “Not Guilty” in Kelso.
A 34-year-old Sheridan man is accused of sexual assault. They must really not like this guy, as his bail is $1 million.
Let the panic begin! Some “death threats” were found in the bathrooms at Amity High School. They had a football game there tonight and plenty of security was on hand, said Jamie Wilson. The school now has a metal detector inside the main entrance and no backpacks will be allowed on Monday since the graffiti said that people, including the principal will be killed then. Some students say they won’t be attending school on Monday.
A former Jesuit High student is alleging sexual abuse by a priest who has been transferred out of the area. He’s asking for $4 million in compensation. I’ve known a Jesuit priest or two; they have a reputation for being very bright and somewhat eccentric. Sex with a kid, though, is
way outside the lines, assuming it occurred, that is.
A suspect has been arrested in the murder of a boy in Salem back on September 23rd.
Remember that murder allegedly committed by the “street family” about 2 years ago in Portland? Well, the system has dealt with all the suspects except for Jimmy Stewart. No, not the one who had the invisible rabbit friend and had an out-of-body experience where he found out how important he was to his friends and family. That guy’s dead. This is another Jimmy Stewart. Anyway, he’s the “last man standing,” so to speak, in this crime. He hasn’t entered a plea yet in the murder, which involved burning the victim underneath a bridge.
OK, that deal the other day where the guy rang the bell of a house, looking for help after he had been shot and the guy who lived in the house shot him too? Charges have been dropped against the homeowner. So everything is OK now. Well, no, but the cops are done with the whole deal.
Some scumbags are calling people in Longview, pretending to be fundraisers for St. John Hospital, seeking donations for breast cancer research. St. John says they never raise money that way. My sister just had a mastectomy for breast cancer so this is particularly unamusing to me. David Freitas/Frietas had a cell phone (again!) as his prop for this story. Time for something new, Davey!
Break.
4 young men were arrested in the theft of equipment from a high school in Keizer back in May.
A pit bull killed a neighbor’s cat in North Portland. I’m sure the owner said, “He isn’t a violent dog. He’s never attacked anyone before.” Pit bull owners are always saying that. You never hear that from Pomeranian owners, do you?
56-year-old “Larry” Melzer of Portland is missing. Why “Larry” was in quotes, I do not know. They didn’t say he was from “Portland,” did they? He usually wears a “cap,” although they didn’t put that in quotes. I did.
Northwest Tonight
- Eugene was the scene of the murder of a 50-year-old auto mechanic at his shop Friday morning. People who knew him say they can’t imagine who would want to kill him or why, but of course no one ever goes on camera and says, “Yeah, I always knew Bill would get whacked some day. He was a real prick.” The cops have no suspects and will only say that it was a violent crime scene.
- A registered sex offender was walking around Medford in a loin cloth he made from stuff he stole from a woman’s yard. You gotta admire a guy who will take a fashion risk.
- “KPTV’s Keli McAllister,” who still looks very Asian, brought us the lurid story of some cops from Lynwood, Washington who busted a massage parlor for prostitution. So far, so good, right? Well, the fun part comes in when you hear that the cops, on at least 3 separate occasions, went into the place and paid to be masturbated. The police department spokeswoman was highly amusing when she tried to claim that it wasn’t really masturbation because it didn’t result in ejaculation. First off, that’s nonsense. Second, how do we know they didn’t ejaculate? I think the 2 women arrested in the case have just been handed their defense: entrapment by money shot.
- The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, who most assuredly isn’t gay (just ask him), even though he spent much time in online gay chat rooms and had a habit of hiring hunky young men for city jobs, is still fighting the recall vote set for November. No, he’s not being recalled because he’s gay—that was just the icing on the cake.
- People in Cascade, Idaho are concerned that the local dam might break after a series of hundreds of small earthquakes recently. “Experts” say that the dam is perfectly safe. Yup, and the Titanic was unsinkable.
The conflagration at the fake Fort Clapsop was “probably not arson” say the investigators. By the way, if you go there, do they have a fake Sacagawea you can meet? I don’t want to go unless there’s a fake Indian maiden to pose for pictures with.
Gresham has pink flamingos somewhere or other on public display to commemorate National Domestic Violence Month. $5 says some of them get stolen over the weekend.
Break.
A shotgun and 8 pounds of pot, worth $25,000 were seized in a Big! Drug! Bust! in Washington County.
There was also a HUGE! Pot! Bust! in Yamhill County. I forget all the details; I’m still reeling from the information that 8 pounds of pot is worth 25 large.
A man who has been stopped 7 times for DUII was in the Multnomah County Courthouse. Go ahead, guess the charge. Yup, DUII. Well, he’s consistent.
4 soldiers in a Hummer heading south on I-5 were injured in a crash.
I told you last night about I-5 being shut down in the Vancouver area all weekend. Nothing’s changed. You’re still fucked if you plan on going anywhere in a hurry. And by “in a hurry,” I mean if you expect to get there in your lifetime. It’ll reopen about 5 AM Monday morning.
Break.
Flu Season
- You can get a flu shot this weekend at any Wild Oats Grocery store. I’ve never been in a Wild Oats. Would I be correct in assuming that it’s the kind of hippie place where the clerks all have a glassy look in their eye and wear tie-dye aprons?
The Tualatin Valley Fire Department tested a new kitchen fire device on Friday. It’s a little can that hangs above your stove. If I understood how it works, when flame hits it, it releases a fire-suppressant powder (I’m guessing Halon ‘cause I’m smart like that) which smothers the flames.
A python was found in a ditch near the parking lot of the Salem Toys ‘R’ Us. No one knows how it got there or where it came from. I was in that store a few weeks ago; it was the first time I’ve been in a Toys ‘R’ Us in ages. Man, do they suck now! They used to have, like, every toy in the world. Not so much anymore.
To advertise the Salmon Festival, a 14-foot-long fiberglass salmon is being driven around downtown Portland. I think I just found my next job. Either that or driving the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Yeah, you think I’m joking. Ha.
Weather. Break.
Final Cut
Ooh, funny! The incompetent weekend KPTV “news” crew strikes again! As the Final Cut started, Hilary Hutcheson’s face was blocked by a Chyron--for a story that never ran by the way. It just stuck there, as Hilary gamely kept going. Hi-larious!
- There was a “massacre” at a strip mall in Philadelphia. It ended with the death of innocent people and the shooter, who killed himself. Sad.
- A standoff in Tampa ended with the hostage dead, shot accidentally by the cops.
- A maid who worked for a Florida sheriff was Caught On Camera stealing medicines from his house. The sheriff suspected she was taking stuff so he installed hidden cameras and caught her.
- Love Dem Animal Stories! In Northern California, a deer has gone nuts, rampaging around the town. It seems to have no fear of humans. It dines on the flesh of young virgins and worships the Dark Lord in a pentagram it drew in the forest dirt with its paw.
- In Florida, where, by law, most ridiculous and/or unlikely stores must originate, a woman was feeding some fish when a gator bit her hand.
- A construction worker in Georgia was in big trouble when a tree fell on him. His fellow workers had to cut up the tree with a chainsaw to free him.
- There was a big apartment fire in Lawrence, Kansas. Some of the residents of the building are missing.
- There was a very big fire in an auto shop in very upscale Marina Del Rey, Los Angeles. Big ol’ flames and everything. Oh, by the way, KPTV misspelled “Rey.” It’s a Spanish word, you nitwits!
World Tonight
- A landslide in Northern India buried a bus with passengers. Rescuers had to dig them out of the mud. Some didn’t make it.
- A massive flood caused by Hurricane Otis Campbell or whatever it’s called, is responsible for over 200 deaths.
- In India, more than 180 kids were rescued from an embroidery factory where they worked for pennies per hour. The youngest was 8 years old. Welcome to America 2010.
- There were anti-American protests in Tehran, Iran on Friday. Iranians aren’t crazy about the U.S. telling them to stop their nuclear program.
War On Terror
Oh, it looked as if there was a problem with the Tele-Promp-Ter, as by this point, Wayne and Hilary were both holding scripts in their hands. - The Washington Monument in D.C. was closed down because of “threats.”
True story: When I worked outside the White House in the late 90’s, a Texan, about 60, pointed to the monument and asked me, “What’s that pointy thing there?”
I laughed, thinking he had to be kidding.
He said, “I’m serious.”
I said, “Uh, it’s the Washington Monument!”
He said, “We don’t have that in Texas” to which I responded, “No sir, but you
do have pictures of it!”
- President Bush says he’s good with the reaction New York City had to the alleged terror threat against the subway. Some were critical of the city notifying the public about the threat. Parts of midtown’s Penn Station were closed down because of a “suspicious soda bottle.” Turns out it was a prank.
- Beaverton has released a booklet to inform the public how to make an emergency kit. One tip is, if you can’t buy everything they suggest you have in the kit at once, buy a few items each month until your kit is complete. Keri Tomlinson then showed us some video of young people who, as a group, didn’t know if their parents have a “preparedness kit” or not.
A professor has invented the one thing society needed to be complete: carbonated yogurt.
Wait! There was one other thing society was in absolute need of: machines that vend pizza. Now that we have that, no one will ever live in poverty or die in hunger. Children will never again suffer with rickets and old men will be able to get erections at will. This is a great day, my friends. Let the dancing in the streets begin!
Hollywood Buzz
- Boy George, for some reason, thought it would be amusing to make a prank call to 911 in New York City. Upon arrival at his home, the police found drugs. Oh, they’re going to LOVE him in The Tombs (a 19th Century prison still in use in New York). Click here
- A woman who accused Wesley Snipes of being the father of her child, has been found to be full of shit. A DNA test found that another man was the real father. Snipes says he has never met the woman.
- Li’l Kim who has just started a jail sentence for perjury, is having a feud with Fifty Cent (which Hilary Hutcheson pronounced as “Fitty” as Mr. Cent prefers). Two rappers having a feud? Has this ever happened before in the history of hip-hop?
- Bill Cosby, or Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr. as the comedian/moralizer/adulterer prefers, is on a 15-city speaking tour against violence in the black community.
A Portland woman wants to go to the next American Idol auditions. Unfortunately, she can’t afford a ticket, so she went to the Portland Greyhound bus station and sang for donations. So, because she wants to be on American Idol, which KPTV will use any excuse to do a story about, she gets airtime for begging? Fascinating.
WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):President Bush’s approval rating is at an all-time low.
Click hereJudith Miller, the New York Times reporter who went to jail allegedly to protect her source in the case of the outing of a CIA agent, has miraculously “found” notes from a previously undisclosed meeting with White House officials.
Click hereIf you get all or most of your news from KPTV, you know nothing about the fact that a spy for the Philippines was discovered to have worked in Vice-president Dick Cheney’s office for about 3 years. The FBI has examined Cheney’s office computers in connection with the case.
Click hereCorrection: Yesterday’s report started off with “Yippie-ya-A!” That should have read “Yippie-kay-A!” KPTV Watch regrets the error.
