Saturday, June 11, 2005

Tonight's KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show was a veritable clam plate full of reporters alleged to be KPTV's very own. None of them were as laugh-out-loud absurd as "KPTV's Wolf Blitzer" from the other night, but I can't recall ever seeing a show which had more KPTV non-employees on it. Anyway, let's do this thing...

Top Story: David Freitas gave us this story about a "pot grow bust" in Cornelius. We got our first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story, courtesy of a very old lady who was dismayed to find out that cannibis sativa was being cultivated right in her very own 'hood. No shizzle, geridizzilatric.

There was a big ol' industrial fire in Portland. Flames! Great helicopter footage! Yay!

A U.S. bank branch in Bend was robbed.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was that guy who raped (or tried to rape, it isn't clear) the lady at the church the other day.

Remember that King City cop/alleged child rapist from the other night? Well, we got another story about him, with zero new information. Starting to see how they make it look like scary crime is happening everywhere all the time yet? Hint: by repeating the scary stories they get so the audience starts to become confused as to which is new and which is old crime.

There have been 9 car break-ins in West Salem lately. They've been occurring mostly around 3 AM.

Is Lamar Harris the Beaverton Robber (capitalization mine)? Who knows? Not KPTV.

A car crash killed one person near Mollala.

2 Californians were killed in a local crash.

Carlos Rubio has been missing for days.

Northwest Tonight

*Grandparents in Washington state allegedly hog-tied their 10 year-old grandson and 8 year-old granddaughter. "KPTV's Lowell Deo" told us that their neighbors were shocked. Boy, that whole "shocked neighbors" gag just never gets old, does it? I want to be watching the day they put on a neighbor who says, "Yeah, I always suspected they did shit like that."

*The suspect in a triple murder case has asked for a delay in the trial and a new lawyer.

*The mayor of Billings, Montana got into a fracas with some local media weasels.

*16 members of a Washington state biker gang were arrested. The local police chief said that they weren't the nice guys they appeared to be. Seriously.

*A local woman came up with an idea to help handicapped people in the event of a fire. She talked the 911 people to put "flags" on their on-screen info so they can alert the rescue personnel as to their presence. Seemed like a good idea to me.

Break.

America Tonight

*Confusion in the Natalee Holloway case. The cops in Aruba are backpedaling from their story yesterday that one of the suspects in the girl's disappearance had said that "Something bad happened to her." No one's claiming that her body has been found (or that there's a body to be found for that matter). Going into this story, we were told it was by "KPTV's Rick Leventhal" but during the piece, he identified himself as "Rick Leventhal, Fox News" which would refer to Fox News Channel. KPTV really wants to bullshit their audience into thinking they have reporters all over the place, doesn't it?

*A teacher in Kentucky is accused of taking naked pictures of someone or other, but denies it. My foot was on an ottoman. I was shaking it unconsciously which knocked a box of welding wire onto the floor, making a loud noise, which distracted me from getting all the details. Hey, full disclosure!

*Also in Kentucky, a house was hit by a very large boulder which rolled down the hill.

*We got another story about the "trench accident" in Arizona from yesterday. Basically, this story revealed (although that wasn't the intent) that yesterday's story which said that the man fell into the trench was inaccurate. He was working in the trench which collapsed on him.

*There was an inexplicable drive-by shooting at a Chicago restaurant. Eventually, the shooter committed suicide, meaning that we'll probably never know the "why" of this story.

World Tonight

*There was a big fire in a hotel in China.

*There was also a severe flood in China that killed 91 people, all but two of whom were kids.

*We got some footage of a beach riot in Portugal.

*About 100 people engaged in a naked bike protest in Madrid.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*Airstrikes by American forces killed at least 40 "insurgents" in Iraq. Those must REALLY be "smart bombs" if they can be sure to only kill the enemy.

War On Terror

*Those terror suspects arrested in California earlier were back for this story brought to us by "KPTV's Catherine Herridge." The gist of this story was that there may be "terror charges" brought against them. Really? Golly.

*There was a funeral for a firefighter whose death was somehow connected to the World Trade Center bombing. Since it's been nearly four years since that event, it would have been nice if KPTV had bothered to explain why the man just passed away now, but that would involve actual details, and that ain't what they're about.

Break.

"Willamette Warning." Because of all the rain lately, the river is pretty high which means that sewage is in there. Yuck. If you eat what you catch, be sure to cook it all the way through.

"KPTV's Somebody Or Other" (missed it, sorry) brought us a scary story about Tropical Storm Arlene hitting the mainland in Florida, complete with pictures of boarded-up windows and distressed locals talking about how they're just getting over the four hurricanes from last year. Funny thing: At 11 o'clock, I happened to see Channel 8's news show and they said that Arlene had pretty much fizzled out by the time it hit Florida. Why, it's almost as if Channel 8 didn't feel the need to make up scary stuff with which to titillate their audience.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*2005 Nissan Sentras are being recalled due to a possible fire hazard.

*The Federal government may put an end to incentives to buy hybrid cars, using the "logic" that since there are waiting lists for them, they are popular, therefore it isn't necessary to provide incentives. How about that they are making much too few of them?

*The Floral Parade was about two hours long. And now you know.

*Corresponding with Fleet Week, the Multnomah County Sheriff's office unveiled a new patrol boat, called Liberty. They used $675,000 in Federal money to buy it and another boat. They're all high-tech and stuff.

*A new school for inner-city kids held its first graduation.

*A middle school in Beaverton has a new marching band, thanks to a music teacher who pushed for it.

Hollywood Buzz

*Worthless waste of life force Paris Hilton and her Mom will be in the Gay Pride Parade in L.A.

*Some smartasses have set up freekatie.net in response to Katie Holmes' "romance" with "straight" "actor" Tom Cruise.

*The new Victoria's Secret store in Las Vegas is having some kind of promotion and KPTV felt it was newsworthy to spend valuable air time on this.

In the Jackson Scandal that America just can't get enough of, there was nothing worth reporting, seeing as it was Saturday and the court won't be open again until Monday morning, but "KPTV's Ted Rollins" gave us a story anyway. This was funny: They showed us a courtroom sketch of Jackson's young accuser but they blurred out the face of the boy in the picture. Wacky.

The Final Cut sequence ended up with two seconds left on the still-inexplicable countdown clock.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*The Coast Guard rescued 5 people near Ilwaco, Washington.

*The G8 countries cancelled the debt of 18 poor nations. This is kind of a big deal, you know?

*There is new information backing up the so-called "Downing Street Memo" which detailed a meeting of Britain's Prime Minister and other officials during which it was said that American President George Bush planned to attack Iraq at a time when he was still claiming publicly that war would be a "last resort."