Saturday, June 4, 2005

Let's saddle up and ride into the Tundra of Tabloid known as KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show.

Top Story tonight: Knife Attack! A security guard was attacked. David Freitas "reported" from the KPTV news van. Why? Who knows? He had a prop: a screwdriver. I only wish I remembered why.

Fight For Iraq. Uh oh, we're paying attention to the war (remember that little fracas?). Hmm, that can only mean that something bad must have happened to a soldier from Oregon. Bingo! An Oregon guardsman was injured in Kirkut.

Some maniac accused of setting a fire that killed a couple and their two-year was found guilty. Since this was reported on Saturday, when courts are closed, this story must be at least a day old.

Some guy with an Asian name who didn't look particularly Asian stole some CD's from the library. That's it! X-ray machines at every library's exits NOW!

Everybody's favorite panty thief was back. There was absolutely no new information in this story which was merely a recap of what we were told last night.

A convicted murderer had his appeal rejected by the court. Again, Saturday, courts closed, day (or longer) old info.

Two years ago, on Fathers Day, a charter boat owned by some neighbors of mine set sail despite high seas warnings. 11 people were killed when the boat capsized. For some reason, it is only now coming out that the captain of the boat took anti-depressants and that may have contributed to the accident.

A six-year-old boy was driving a full-size ATV on private property in Forest Grove and crashed. He died. His parents are idiots.

The Umatilla Weapons Depot in eastern Oregon is going to start up its incinerator and destroy some chemical weapons. I'm guessing the locals are less than enthusiastic about this plan.

Local police are concerned about a "Gumball Rally" kind of deal that started in Vegas, will pass through the Portland area on I-5 and end in Seattle. According to the organizers, it isn't a race. The organizers are lying (in my opinion. Nyah nyah, now they can't sue me).

Around The Northwest

*"KPTV's" Kelli McAllister, my favorite Asian/Irish "reporter" told us about a burglar who got himself shot in Washington state. Many people were hit with bullets in what sounded like a crazy shootout kind of deal. In the course of this piece, Kelli gave us a nifty piece of choreography when she stepped toward the camera, filling the shot with her big old moon face. Dramatic, if pointless. I'm guessing we'll be seeing this move more in the future.

*A doctor in Seattle had his license suspended for oversubscribing medicine to his patients, one of whom has committed suicide. The locals who were put on camera were split in their opinion of the appropriateness of the suspension. One said, "I don't care for him."

*A Yakima woman was hit by a train. I don't even remember writing this down, let alone any of the details of the story, assuming the story had any details, that is. They go by pretty fast.

*We got another story about the trial concerning the outcome of the Washington gubernatorial election. There was not one new fact in this story.

*Wayne Garcia told us about the Washington County Sheriff's office setting up a new website and an email newsletter. Whoopee!

Break.

America Tonight

*The young, attractive white girl from Alabama is still missing from her vacation in Aruba. Young Caucasian women who disappear are such a priority in today's TV "news" world that this story was sent back to the mainland by sat phone, like the early stuff from Iraq was. "KPTV's Johathan Serrie" was the infotainer on this story.

*There was an odd bus-related death Caught On Camera in Tempe, Arizona.

*There was also a deadly car crash in Wisconsin. As you know, people die every day in car crashes in America. Not all those crashes have video available, though, which explains why some make the "news" and most don't. It's all about the pictures, stupid!

*Two people died in a plane crash in Louisiana.

*Some numbnuts went psycho on a ticket agent (A.K.A. male meter maid) in Boston with a bat or something and got himself denounced by a city father.

*A cop in Missouri got a "Meth Burger" at a Mickey D's. Some Future Felon behind the counter thought it would be funny to put some crank on Johnny Law's meat patty. Brushing up on his ankle-grabbing would be a good idea, I think.

*Oakland, California unveiled a billboard with blurred-face photos of "Johns" on it. The city promises that, if the horndogs get arrested again, the next billboard will have un-blurred pictures.

*Some statues of the "Peanuts" characters in Santa Rosa, California have been vandalized. Good grief!

*Incompetant (or sadistic) organizers of a marathon in Chicago added an extra mile to the route. Oopsie.

Break.

War On Terror

*Wait! Can my eyes be deceiving me? "KPTV's Kelly Wright" actually brought us a story about the ongoing Koran abuse scandal! The Pentagon is now admitting that, yeah, some urine mysteriously "splashed" on a prisoner and his Koran in the Guantanamo prison. Don't you just hate it when you go to pee in a urinal and someone has put a Koran in it? I was pleasantly stunned that KPTV was actually acknowledging that this story. I was rudely brought out of my reverie when Kelly told us that a story in Newsweek caused riots when it reported on similar incidents. That would contradict the president of Afghanistan who told Wolf Blitzer that the riots were actually caused by internal politics. Eh, details, details.

*An apparantly unsuccessful suicide bomber got the death sentence in Iraq.

Break.

*A local spa/laser hair removal joint got itself some TV time by giving some military moms a "Well Deserved Break." The woman featured in the story was "reported" to have eight kids and to be planning on marrying her soldier boy in the Fall. Hmmm. Well, they could be from a previous marriage or marriages, I suppose.

Break. Weather. Break.

Here you go, Final Cut fans:

*Brook Wilberger, missing young, attractive, well-to-do white woman, is still missing. Tonight, however, she was featured on the crime-dependant America's Most Wanted show. We got to see that damn green van yet again. We were also told that the police have two "persons of interest" (remember when they were called "suspects"?) but we were given no information about them.

*In the ongoing "Jackson Scandal" saga, Michael's family is P.O.'d at the judge for not allotting more seats for them for the trial's finale. They're a big brood, you know. In a nice piece of recursive "journalism," we were told about the "media frenzy," complete with shots of some of the many TV cameras outside the courthouse.

*Jack White of the White Stripes got married--on Wednesday. Hey, no hurry. We weren't told that the wedding was in Africa or that the press release White's people sent out (didn't you send out a press release when you got married?) called it White's first marriage, when it is actually his second one. The real question is, why do I even know this??

*Rod Stewart has filed for divorce from his model wife, Rachel Hunter. There was something about his planning to marry his fiance this year. Uh, how do you have a fiance when you're still married? Did they change the rules when I wasn't looking?

*Kelly Osbourne is in rehab again. Two questions:
1. Is she going for the Guinness book or something?
2. Is there a Frequent Rehabbers Discount Program?

*We got some unsettling video of Dimebag Darrell's on-stage murder.

We pushed on to Hollywood Buzz:

*The 30th anniversary of the release of Jaws was celebrated in Martha's Vineyard. Oddly, KPTV didn't mention a similar 20th anniversary celebration of the release of The Goonies in Astoria, Oregon this weekend. They're too busy using their news van as a background for pointless "location" shots, I guess.

*Speaking of movie-related anniversaries, it's been 50 years since James Dean died. Some people got together to remember Dean in Indiana, including a lady who told us that she chipped a piece off his headstone. Um, isn't that just a wee bit creepy--and illegal?

*Two men were arrested for trying to sell an advance copy of the upcoming Harry Potter book to a British tabloid. It's good to see that all other crime has stopped in England, freeing the police to concentrate on the important things.

*Star Wars 3 (a product of Fox, the company that owns the network with which KPTV is affiliated) has grossed $290 million so far, prompting rumors that George Lucas may be considering making a Star Wars Zero (no, that is not a joke).

*An annual comic book convention was held this weekend. We got video of Lou Ferrigno and a lot of geeky people wearing superhero costumes.

Final Cut ended with 21 seconds left on the stupid on-screen countdown clock. Is the clock there solely so that anal retentive viewers--like me--will watch to see if the segment ends "on time?"

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*KPTV still hasn't mentioned that a federal judge has ordered the American military to release over 100 more photos of prisoner abuse by the end of the month.

*Saddam Hussein's lawyer says the former dictator is suffering from depression.

*The military has delayed releasing the recruitment numbers for last month until June 10th, a Friday, the traditional day for the release of information potentially embarassing to the administration.