Sunday, June 5, 2005

Eh, the KPTV "news" show tonight was a pretty typical example of what they've been churning out lately, with one exception, which I'll tell you about below. Let's dive into the deep end of the cesspool, shall we?

Top Story: Meth Watch Victory. A suspected meth dealer was arrested in Milwaukie, Oregon. I guess that's what passes as a "victory." So, what's the exit strategy on this War on Drugs, anyway?

In more meth-related "news," 19-year-old Terry Yost got himself in an accident. The cops found 20 stereos in his car (I guess he's just really into music). They also found a half-ounce of meth. Oopsie! Buh-bye, Douchebag. Debra Gill was our "reporter" on this story; she had no prop. Couldn't find a packet of Sweet 'N' Low, Debbie?

The police are looking into the "mysterious" death of a five-year-old. This story gave us tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment. It just isn't an official KPTV "news" show to me without someone saying some variation on that.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was the usual deal: a sex offender who hasn't checked in with his P.O. Eh. Can't you do better than that, KPTV? It's getting a little old. What's this world coming to when there aren't any new panty thieves running around?

Remember that security guard in Vancouver, Washington who got attacked the other day? He's now described his attacker. Actually, he probably described his attacker days ago when the cops first talked to him, but, hey, you think it's easy getting several days worth of stories out of a simple stabbing? You gotta dribble those facts out, one at a time!

The trial of a shooting suspect starts Monday. Smell that? That's freshly baked justice ahead, my friend.

A court appearance is scheduled for a teacher accused of sexual impropriety with students. Maybe he can carpool with the shooting suspect.

The scumbag who raped a 92-year-old woman in a nursing home confessed. Actually, I think he confessed weeks ago, but you don't get a rapist with an interest in nonegenarian women every day. When one falls into your lap, it's gold, my friend, gold! Read the last sentence of the paragraph three above.

There's been a rash of ATV crashes in Oregon lately. Besides the boy who died that we mentioned recently, another accident killed two people and a third put a 25-year-old in the hospital. Smelling a "new trend" (like those Sugar Mommas from a week or so ago), KPTV promised us more about ATV's later in the show.

Vice-president Dick Cheney snuck into Portland, on what was called a "personal visit." He wanted to surprise a friend (no I'm not making that up). So, will Surly McHeartAttack be repaying the government for the expenses associated with his use of that big-ass jet plane for personal reasons?? Inquiring minds want to know.

Around The Northwest

*There was a big ol' fire in an apartment house in Seattle. Residents claim the fire alarms didn't work, although the landlord claims they were just checked a few days ago.

*Again we were told that the judge on the case in the Washington state gubernatorial election will give his decision on Monday. Nuttin' new there, Bub.

*Wi-fi equipment is being installed on the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. We were told that it should be operational in about a year. Huh? Once the stuff is up there (as it appeared to be in the story), shouldn't it be able to be turned on in like a day or two??

*A historic tree in Salem is threatened because of a planned shopping center. Some residents object to Mr. Tree being bulldozed. Prediction: the developers will prevail and we'll never hear another word about this on KPTV. Prove me wrong, please.

*Sewage from Portland is flowing into the Willametter River. If you fish there (Why, in God's name?), wash your catch thoroughly. Personally, I like a little E. coli with my flounder.

*Attention anthropoligists, the Rose Festival is on. This is your chance to observe White Trash in their native habitat. They're not all on Cops, you know.

Break.

America Tonight

*In the case of the young, attractive, white woman from Alabama missing in Aruba, two men have been arrested. The police aren't releasing their names yet.

*A murderer gets to walk free in New Jersey because there was a statute of limitations in effect when he committed the crime. Understandably, the family of the victim isn't happy about this.

*The body of a black boy who was killed in 1955 because he whistled at a white woman has been exumed and returned to his family.

*A 72-year-old Wal-Mart greeter was seriously injured when he tried to stop a shoplifter. Personally, I'm looking forward to spending my golden years wearing a blue vest and handing shopping carts to customers but if you think I'm jumping in front of your car because you stole a friggin $40. DVD player from the largest retailer in America, think again, Sparky.

*A Florida man was turned in by his son for stealing appliances from newly-built homes. Someone's not getting a Christmas card this year!

*The governor of Missouri ordered the Confederate flag flown for a day this week. Sensitivity training in order here?

*Hey, speaking of pissing off minority members, a museum in South Dakota is under fire for an exhibit which prominently features a KKK robe.

*A house in Miami is infested with bees. Yeah, that's news.

*Some callow youths in San Diego participated in what is apparantly an annual event: dropping watermelons from the top of a building and measuring the size of the resulting splash. If they gave degrees in shit like that, I'd have a doctorate.

It would be hard to match the high standard of journalism set by the America Tonight segment, but KPTV took a run at it with World Tonight:

*There was a strongman competition in Moscow involving, among other things, pulling a bus.

*Pig Championships, involving swine soccer, were held in Moscow, as well.

Could anything that you might have a greater need to know possibly have happened around the globe today? I doubt it. And they say that the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show isn't serious journalism!

Break.

Wayne Garcia gave us some yap about a new website which dispenses advice about diabetes. Yeah, that could actually be helpful to some people, but it's mostly just part of the same old "scare the shit out of the audience" crap that they run on a daily basis. Crime is everywhere. Disease is everywhere. Germs are on every surface. Every stranger represents danger.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

Wow, for once this segment didn't exist solely because some Oregon soldier(s) died in the last 24 hours.

*We found out that Saddam Hussein could be charged with 500 offenses, but that would take forever, so he'll probably just get charged with the worst 12 or so they can come up with.

*Hundreds of bombs were found and destroyed north of Baghdad. It isn't known if they came from the underground lair recently found out in the Iraqi desert.

*2 Iraqi government officials avoided death by an "improvised explosive device" (A.K.A. home-made bomb).

We segued directly into War On Terror

*The Department of Homeland Security said that airport security could be improved via the use of low-tech things like longer tables at checkpoints.

Weather. Break.

Time for Final Cut, kids!

What's this? Be still my beating heart, tonight's Final Cut had no countdown clock! Oh. My. God.

*Say, there's that story about marijuana-flavored lollipops again! Yes, candy which tastes like marijuana, even though it contains no THC (the active ingredient in pot) is inarguable proof that the sky is, indeed, falling. For the record, I don't do drugs and never have and I think that intoxication is a bad idea in general, but this just ain't a big deal, people.

*Speaking of intoxicants, kids are apparantly buying that stuff that you use to clean your computer keyboard (sometimes known as "air in a can"). They're inhaling it to get high. Hey kids, huffing is a bad idea. It kills brain cells and makes you vote for people who pronounce "nuclear" as "nuculer."

*Ah, here's that promised follow-up about ATV safety. "Reporting" from the KPTV news van for no apparant reason, Debra Gill told us it was a good idea to wear a helmet when riding an ATV. Okay.

*In the unavoidable Jackson Scandal story, Michael went to the hospital, claiming back pain. "Legal Analyst" Stan Goldman seemed to think that it might be part of a strategy to have Mikey avoid appearing in court when the jury's decision is read. We'll see, I guess.

Hollywood Buzz

*Somebody confessed something about the murder of Biggie Small, but I missed it. Sorry.

*Dave Chappelle, who has been AWOL from his Comedy Central show in Africa, turned up over the weekend at two L.A. comedy clubs and performed, to the surprise of the audiences.

*200+ pieces of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia were auctioned. Mucho dinero was collected as a result.

*The Rosemary Clooney museum opened. If anyone has an MP3 copy of her singing a duet of "Dear God, Please Send Me A Kid For Christmas" with Wild Man Fischer, please let me know. That is not a joke.

*For some reason, KPTV found it necessarily to show us a Day In The Life of American Idol runner-up Bo Bice. "KPTV's Chanel or Charnel Something Or Other" was the "reporter" on this vital story (do I really need to mention that I very much doubt that she actually works for KPTV?). He got an "almost free" car (as he put it) from Ford and American Idol (I assume he was referring to the tax he'll have to pay on it) and he went to see a black comedian I've never heard of at a club. Um, why are we following the runner-up around and not the winner??

*The winners of the Tony Awards were announced. Monty Python's Spamalot won for Best Musical.

Like I said at the beginning, it was an average night for KPTV's "news" show. The only surprise was the absence of the countdown clock on the Final Cut. Screw-up or new direction?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*After weeks of effort, NASA was finally able to dislodge the Mars rover from the sand it was stuck in.

*The Feds raided a slave labor camp in Florida.

*The Port of Oakland was shut down due to a terrorism alert.