Tuesday, June 7, 2005

OK, I took Monday night off. Shoot me. Hey, I reserve one night a week to watch a something more reality-oriented than the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show: Professional Wrestling. Soy un perdidor, in the words of the philosopher Beck.

Our Top Story tonight: Saving A Young Girl. A guy by the name of Edward Boss was supposed to give an eight year-old girl a ride home from school. Instead, he allegedly tried to rape her and, when she resisted, left her on the side of the road east of Estacada. Boss is on the loose and may be armed. The guy who runs the liquor store next to the Domino's Pizza where Boss worked until a few months aga says that Boss was a regular customer and seemed like a decent guy. If a liquor store manager isn't a good judge of character, who is?

Fox 12's Most Wanted was next. Debra Gill, girl "reporter" used a business card as her prop for this story about a woman who stole drugs from the elderly by showing them a--you guessed it--business card, identifying her as a social worker and coming into their Northeast Portland homes.

Can multiple people each be the "Most Wanted?" KPTV tested that theory by giving us a second M.W. story about a guy who robbed a Plaid Pantry at gunpoint. It wasn't exactly a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" comment but some guy told us that "This is a nice neighborhood." Close but no cigar, KPTV. Try a little harder, will you please? It wasn't all that long ago when a person could count on at least one bona fide "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" per show. What happened, man? It used to be about the cliches, man!

Creepy Old Bastard Louis Nemnich is still in jail in Wyoming, still fighting extradition. People, presumably of the law enforcement persuasion, are trying to get his wrinkled ass back to Oregon, where he will go on trial for attempted murder and attempted rape.

Remember that alleged ID theft ring that ripped off a couple at the Red Roof Inn? Uh, they now have a suspect in that case...or something. Sometimes, KPTV's "news" stories are a little hard to decode.

A court hearing is scheduled for a car thief.

A retarded guy by the name of Todd Witt is missing. Yeah, I could have said "developmentally challenged" or "differently abled," but I didn't. Calling someone "retarded" isn't an insult. Assuming they are, that is.

Jesus H. Christ, do Brooke Wilberger's parents have pictures of John Walsh naked with a donkey in Tijuana or something? Assuming KPTV didn't just accidentally repeat a story from last week, Brooke's disappearance is going to be featured again on America's Most Wanted this Saturday night. While I genuinely feel bad for what her family must be going through, I think if Brooke wasn't an attractive young white woman, her disappearance wouldn't get nearly as much national attention as it has.

Back in the late 70's, the skull of a young woman was found. She apparently met a violent death. With the advent of better tools, the cops have been trying to figure out who she was. They've reconstructed what they believe she looked like. Among other things, we were told that she was a white woman with a "strong neck." O--kay. David Freitas held up a picture of the woman's alleged face, which my wife said doesn't qualify as a prop. I disagree. You hold something up to the camera, it's a prop, Pal.

Break.

There's a spike in juvenile crime in North Portland. It isn't gang-related though and you could almost hear the disappointed sighs of the KPTV crew. Petty theft is up at local stores. Jamie Wilson was the "reporter" on this story. She had no prop, damn it.

For no logical reason, Kerri Tomlinson brought us our next story from "News Control." A beauty parlor was robbed by people who kicked their way through the wall from the empty store next door. Kerri's prop: Bottles of hair spray, etc. carefully turned around so that we wouldn't see what brands the KPTV "news" weasels use. I don't miss much, do I?

A plea of "not guilty" was entered by the loser who drove the wrong way on I-5 the other day, killing someone.

Northwest Tonight

*The two missing kids from Idaho are still missing. An aging biker-type guy is offering his shiny Harley as a reward for anyone providing information about their disappearance. Nice gesture.

*Rose Festival Fleet Week is going to screw up downtown Portland for the next few days. There's a security zone around the ships moored in the river.

Break.

Meth Watch

Some middle school kids were "treated" to before and after pictures of tweakers who have been arrested. Meth screws up these people's teeth so badly you'd think they were in the British Royal Family. The kids, being kids, gave an honest, disgusted, reaction to the pictures, which made me laugh. It was all part of a Sheriff's department anti-drug program.

Break.

A local graffiti clean-up program may fall prey to budget cuts. Not that everything government wants to do is worth funding, but when the public consistently votes against tax increases, something has to give, people.

War On Terror

*There was a terror drill in Dallas. Makes for "good," if simulated, pictures of people lying on the ground and so forth.

*A scientific report outlined how terror groups could attack America's milk supply with toxins. Predictably, some people attacked the report on the grounds that terrorists could use the information to poison Elsie. You know, they could do a lot of things. Let's all cower in our homes, shall we?

*British Prime Minister Tony Blair wants George Bush to give more money to African relief. Hey, when George wants Tony's opinion, he'll give it to him, OK? What exactly this story had to do with the "War On Terror" I have no idea. Or did they exit the segment without telling me? I dunno.

Gee, it turns out that both Bush and John Kerry had lousy grades at Yale. They were both C students, with Bush only getting one D, as opposed to Kerry's four D's. In your face, Democrats! See, things could be worse. We could be involved in a quagmire of a war against a people who didn't do anything to us, run by a guy who failed college-level French!

Pump Patrol. Local gas prices are down by an insignificant amount. We're turning the corner, people!

Break. Weather. Break.

Final Cut (incorporating News Across America):

*There was a car chase in Alhambra, California.

*A bear which got inside a house in Harrisonburg, Virginia was Caught On Tape. The story about the rampage, which happened 10 PM last Saturday, was "reported" by "KPTV's Jennifer Davis." Gee, they just have "reporters" EVERYWHERE!!!

*A water main broke in Staten Island, New York City, creating "waterfront property." Nyuk nyuk. What's that saying, "If you slip on a banana peel, it's comedy. If I slip on a banana peel, it's tragedy."

*Some douchebags stole an ATM by plowing their SUV into the wall and carrying off the machine in Kansas City, MO.

*A little boy died inside a school van in Little Rock. The driver is in deep shit for apparently forgetting the boy was there.

*A buried fetus was found in "Milwaukie" Wisconsin, allegedly put there by a teen age girl whose husband beat her. Yoo hoo, KPTV! The city in Wisconsin is spelled Milwaukee (two "e's," one "i"). The city in Oregon is spelled Milwaukie. You're welcome. I'm here to help.

*A plane from South Africa landed at JFK Airport in New York City. Body parts fell out of a wheel well. Police suspect that someone hid out in there. That's why they get the big bucks.

*A new baggage handler died at National Airport in suburban D.C.

*Yet another stupid "bees in odd places" story. Some lady has lots of them in her shower. Hey, it's a New Trend!

*In Jackson Scandal news, well, there wasn't really any news. The jury hasn't come in with a decision yet. Experts say this is either good or bad for Michael Jackson. We now know that the foreman is juror #2 (J2 to her friends). Oh, Jesse Jackson says that Mikey "chooses hope." Over despair, I guess. Good choice.

*There was some crap about concerns over meth use at the ongoing Rose Festival, delivered by "reporter" Debra Gill from the KPTV news van. The city hired a different company to run the midway at the Festival this year. This company randomly tests their carnies for drug use which, based on the carnies I've seen, must really cut into their social lives.

*Next we got a fear piece about Staying Hydrated. Say, did you know that drinking liquids (as opposed to solids?) helps prevent dehydration? I would not care to meet a human over the age of 10 who didn't know that.

*A new program is using beauticians to educate black women about how to beat strokes. Sounds like a worthwhile thing to me.

Hollywood Buzz

*Anne Bancroft, long-time wife of Mel Brooks and Academy Award-winning actress, died of cancer at age 73.

*Rod Stewart is seeking a divorce from wife Rachel Hunter. Yo, KPTV! You've told us about this friggin' story at least once already! As of now, you are only allowed to tell us about this again if there are any new developments! Actually, how about you never mention it again?

*"Batman Begins" is set to open in theaters soon. Yawn.

*The first season of "Lois and Clark," a show few people cared about when it was on the air (or else it would still be on the air), is going to be released on DVD. Dozens of people are excited by this.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*A whistleblowing scientist from the Los Alamos laboratory got brutally beaten, apparently by people who don't want him to tell what he knows.

*In addition to the $12-$15 million previously disclosed as missing in the Ohio "Coingate" scandal, we now hear that another $215 million in pension money was lost in high-risk investments.

*20 people were killed and 30 wounded in Iraq in the past 24 hours. Eh, none of them probably came from Oregon so why bother telling the audience about this, right? Besides, Dick Cheney says the insurgency is on its last legs.