Thursday, June 2, 2005

OK, it's time once again to plow through the info-swamp KPTV calls its 10 o'clock "news" show.

Top Story: "On The Loose." There's a serial bank robber on the loose in Northwest Oregon, "reporter" David Freitas told us. Since it was a story about bank robbery, Davey cleverly used CASH as his prop. They don't teach that kind of out-of-the-box thinking in journalism school, Bub. That's called TALENT. BTW, it's the second time this particular bank has been robbed in the past few weeks.

It's time for Meth Watch, the game the whole family can play. Cops in Portland busted five people. The kids found in the house are in custody.

Speaking of illegal intoxicants, there was a pot bust on I-5 near Wilsonville. This chump was holding five pounds of weed. Even in Oregon, I think that's a shortcut to the Graybar Hotel.

Remember that deadly crash in Tigard that killed a teenaged boy? We got a follow-up on it, complete with "reporter" David Wilson holding the car's shattered mirror as his prop for the story. In the other car in the crash, a mother and her child were trapped as a powerline was touching the vehicle. As they were only trapped for a half-hour, according to Wilson, doesn't that kind of screw up the timeline KPTV gave us last night? Details, details.

A woman was charged with DUII in Portland.

A bill is advancing to the governor's desk. It would require passengers in taxis, limos, shuttle vans and the like to wear seat belts. Think it's unnecessary? Oh yeah, well, why do you hate America?

Cops in Portland are getting Tasers. Um, didn't we have this story days ago? Well, they're still getting them, I guess.

Brooke Wilberger was young, white, blonde, attractive and from a well-to-do family. That's why her disappearance just over a year ago is still all over the news, silly! Anyway, KPTV claimed that the police asked them to tell us about that green van that might be involved with her possible abduction again. I get the feeling it didn't take a lot of arm-twisting on the part of the Portland Police Bureau to get KPTV to do a story about a rich white girl's mysterious disappearance.

That baby that nearly drowned the other day is getting better.

Some creepy-looking people were discovered to be in possession of a bunch of heavy-duty firearms, including military rocket launcher-type stuff. Oh, they had drugs on the premises, too. Book 'em, Danno!

Break.

The female half of a young white couple gave birth inside their car in their driveway in Vancouver, Washington. We got to hear the 911 call; Dad had to wrap the baby up in his shirt in lieu of swaddling stuff. He also tied off the umbilical cord with his shoelace, which naturally lead to the site of "reporter" Jamie Wilson holding up tonight's Prop Numero Dos: a shoelace. This was a baffling object to many of KPTV's "news" viewers who only own shoes with Velcro closures.

A suspect accused of child mistreatment was in court in Washington County.

An alleged pervert who allegedly offered money for sex to alleged children (hey, I want to err on the side of caution here) made a court appearance.

A second corpse was found in a local murder investigation.

Uh oh, another of my cryptic notes. This one says "Fed. charges." OK, I know that "Fed." means Federal, but what kind of charges, Bob, WHAT KIND OF CHARGES??? Man, I need to hire a court stenographer or something to keep up with the whirlwind of stories on the KPTV "news" show.

It's time for Across the Northwest!

*There was a pit bull attack on a neighbor's dog in Tacoma. I loved the comment by the owner of the pit bulls; he said that the owners of the injured dog needed to "understand his situation" as he understood theirs. Huh? He wants to keep his nasty doggies. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Kelly McAllister" who is by far my favorite member of KPTV's Phantom News Crew. There's just something about a woman with a Irish surname who looks very Asian that amuses me.

*The trial over the disputed Washignton state gubernatorial election from last November is nearly over. The judge is going to give his decision soon. No matter who wins, the other side will appeal.

*A sea otter was rescued in Tacoma. And that was it for regional news tonight.

Kohl's is opening a new store in Beaverton. And with that vital piece of information, we went to our next commercial break.

Back. A little Pomeranian doggie is missing after his owners had an auto accident in Tigard. They would like the public's help in getting their pet, who I'm afraid may have become a coyote's late night snack, back.

A local family was robbed and among the stuff taken was their kids' penny jar. The right-wing hacks at talk radio KPAM got themselves some camera time by giving the kids a replacement jar full of coins. That "selfless act" very nearly made me forget their unflagging partisan support for an illegal and immoral war. Nearly.

A chunky-looking girl was announced as Rose Queen for 2005. Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley toasted her win with a large glass of bacon fat. Skoal!

Speaking of the Rose Festival, the Waterfront Village opened on Thursday. Let the carbo-loading begin!

Fight For Iraq:

*3 car bombs killed 38 people in Iraq. Not mentioned by KPTV but, according to General Meyers, this is somehow proof that the insurgency is slowing down. War is peace. Freedom is slavery.

*Veering dangerously close to actual journalism, KPTV next told us that the Iraqi government claims to be employing 40,000 troops in Operation Lightning, although some American experts peg the actual number at 15,000-20,000. Gee, who told you last night right on this very blog that the 40,000 figure was closer to science fiction than truth? Hint: ME.

Back to non-Iraq-related news. We got a story about the Washington Post's coverage of the Deep Throat outing.

In the Jackson Scandal (TM), the defense called the D.A.'s witnesses a bunch of money-grubbing doodyhead liars, or words to that effect.

Final figures are in for the Laguna Beach mudslide: 38 homes were destroyed. My Question of the Day: How much does homeowner insurance cost for a house on the edge of a cliff in a slide area? Maybe those houses should have signs in front of them that say You Must Be This Tall To Get On This Ride.

Break. Weather. Break.

Cue the countdown clock. It's time for The Final Cut:

*The Runaway Bride (TM) entered a plea of no contest, got two year's probation and community service in addition to having to reimburse the cops for their expenses in searching for her. This story was told to us by "KPTV's Jonathan Serrie." (sp?)
*A New Jersey wife apparantly stuck the body of her husband in his luggage and threw it into the water.
*There was a brawl in a courtroom in upstate New York.
*A grade school teacher in Atlanta allegedly made a student lick her toes. His Mom finds that unusual and unacceptable, for some reason.
*Some folks are going to the beach in the nude in Texas. Anchorman Wayne Garcia referred to this as "lewd behavior." Uh, okay.
*An apartment was trashed by neighbors in Iowa.
*Having put an end to all other crime, cops in Maryland are employing night vision equipment to catch people not using their seat belts. Does anyone believe in the concept of "overkill" anymore??
*A little boy saved his brother's life via CPR in New Jersey.
*The parents of identical quadruplets think a good way to tell their babies apart is to give them tiny tattoos. I suggest "Death Before Dishonor."
*A sea lion was rescued in a Petaluma, California campground. Wait, didn't we already have a sea lion rescue story tonight? I just checked. It was a sea OTTER. My bad.
*A farmer with WAY too much time on his hands has invented a way to turn hog poop into drinkable water. Donald Trump said, "At last, a beverage worthy of putting my name on!" I made part of that up. The sad thing is that you probably can't tell which part.

World Tonight (stuck inside the info-ghetto of The Final Cut):

*The annual Rhino Charge car race kicked off in Kenya.
*The Tokyo zoo has a "neat freak" ape. He/she/it likes to clean stuff.

That's everything of note that happened around the world on Thursday.

Back to the non-global part of The Final Cut:

*David Freitas was back to tell us about the "shocking" book Rainbow Party. The title is a reference to an activity allegedly popular with teenagers, which Oprah did a show about a while back which prompted Howard Stern to ask his listeners to file complaints with the FCC (not that KPTV mentioned any of that; they're not big on that whole "context" thing). If you still don't know what a "Rainbow Party" is, it involves oral sex and different colors of lipstick. I had high hopes that Frietas' prop for this story would be his penis, but sadly, we got no prop at all. All we got was video of a elderly woman who was predictably outraged by the very existance of such a book. I'm still trying to figure out exactly whether the book is a novel, a non-fiction account of the act itself or what.

*What Final Cut would be complete without an American Idol story? How about two American Idol stories? Bo Bice, this year's runner-up is selling more records than the winner, Blandy McNo Talent. That is her name, right? The second A.I. story was about whether Blandy was dating some other destined-to-become-a-night-manager-at-Quiznos former American Idol finalist. I'm sure they deserve each other.

In Hollywood Buzz, Denise Richards had a baby with her ex- or soon-to-be ex-husband Charlie Sheen in attendance. How nice for them.

Lastly, Gene Wilder who played Willy Wonka in the classic movie isn't in love with the idea of Johnny Depp playing the same character in the upcoming remake.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU TONIGHT (a sampling):

*European Union? European Constitution? Rejected? Huh?
*The National Spelling Bee ended on Thursday. It wasn't in Oregon, so fuck it.
*Krispy Kreme stores are giving away free donuts on Friday. Gee, I remember a time when the KPTV "news" show was practically the Krispy Kreme Hour. How the mighty have fallen.
*Amnesty International has called the American-run prison in Guantanamo, Cuba, a "gulag."
*A gay marriage bill failed to pass in the California State House.
*An Air Force Academy cadet was found innocent of rape.

And that's everything worth knowing about today. See you tomorrow.