Friday, June 3, 2005

I've put on my hip boots and I'm ready to wade through the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

Top Story: "Parent Accused" of child abuse with a tree branch. He allegedly beat his child ten times with it. Jamie Wilson was our "reporter" on this story; she was out in McMinnville. Did she have a prop? Does the KPTV news try to scare the audience on a nightly basis? YES she had a prop! A branch! Duh. Two white trash-type women commented on the case, not that they actually knew anything about it, of course. They were shocked, shocked, by what the parent was accused of doing.

Fox 12's Most Wanted was up next. It was your run-of-the-mill deal about a sex offender who isn't calling his probation officer. Authorities don't know where Mr. Happy is.

There's a man approaching kids in Newport. Does KPTV have an intern whose special task it is to call local police departments to see if they have any sex-related complaints on file? Sure looks like it.

There have been 6 "home invasions" within a short distance of one another lately in Southeast Portland. "Home invasion," by the way, is the new, scarier, name for what used to be called burglary. Is meth involved in this mini crime wave? No one knows, but that didn't stop KPTV from raising the question. It's not as if they'll ever come back and say, "Uh, no, meth wasn't involved in the rash of home invasions. We were wrong." It's wonderful to live on Planet of No Consequences, huh?

A knife fight put two men into the hospital.

David Wilson "reported" on a stabbing investigation. Somebody took a shiv in the gut at 96th St. and S.E. Harold St. in Portland.

A deadly crash in Vancouver was blamed on bad road by citizens who didn't really know whether or not that was the cause of the crash. Who needs facts when you have an opinion?

A teacher at a Christian school died in a motorcycle crash.

The alleged panty thief that KPTV tried to imply had something to do with Brooke Wilberger's disappearance is the gift that keeps giving, "news"-wise, even if he isn't a kidnapper. He allegedly wrote a letter to his parents saying that he had access to weapons and was planning a prison break. It is unclear, as they say in the "news" business, whether or not his parents ever actually got the letter.

A woman who hit two cars with hers was in court for DUII.

The road in Salem which may have contributed to the death of a girl driving to her prom is getting fixed.

Break.

What would life be without Meth Watch?

*A mom was in court for methamphetamine-related child neglect.
*Liquid forms of some cold medicines are now going to be added to the list of restricted drugs. Meth makers have supposedly figured out how to extract the necessary ingredients from them, so naturally the millions of people who use the drugs for their intended purpose, helping with the symptoms of colds, have to be inconvenienced. Seems a wee bit ass-backwards to me, but no one asked me.
*Some Tylenol is being recalled. The company is cooperating with the FDA on the recall.

Moving on, to non-meth-related "news," 2 Tennessee kids who are missing may be in Portland with their mom. She has ties to the area, it seems.

A boy lied about having a gun in school. The cops were called. He was gun-free and the cops have decided to let the school decide his punishment.

A proposed land-use law would allow a ban on Wal-Mart construction in Beaverton.

Let's take a trip Around The Northwest, shall we?

*The trial over the gubernatorial election in Washington is still on. Did we think otherwise?

*The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, who has confessed to picking up men on gay.com, but who claims not to be gay, has apologized for the embarrassment he has caused but still refuses to resign. Does the phrase "delaying the inevitable" mean anything to this guy?

*A teacher was arrested for multiple claims of abuse to children.

In Jackson Scandal coverage, we were again told that the jury now has the case. We were also treated to video of a woman described as a "courtroom observer" who strenuously defended Mikey. This woman was obviously not just a person who happened to be in the courtroom, but we weren't told exactly what her deal was. Weird.

Break.

Next up was a story called "Ignoring pain." This was a pure scare piece. The whole purpose of this story seemed to be to induce hypochondria in the viewer. A pain in your chest can be anything from a pulled muscle to a heart attack. No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for the "information."

Break.

That missing Pomeranian from last night? He's been found. Call off the Amber Alert.

"Phishing" attacks are on the rise. Kimberly Maus, slumming from her usual gig on Good Day, Oregon, brought us this story. People can invade your computer, blah blah blah, your identity is threatened, blah blah blah, special software can help prevent this from happening, blah blah blah.

Apple put shitty batteries in the early generations of iPod and expected people to pay $100 to have them replaced. That didn't sit well and the court made them work something out. The something they worked out is a $50. rebate and a one-year extension of the iPod warranty. The judge will give his final approval of this screw job in August.

The state has issued warnings about the water for two beaches in Tillamook and Lincoln counties. Right, like anyone actually swims in the water in Oregon!

Dragon boats were out on the river in Portland. This has something to do with the Rose Festival.

Break.
Weather.
Break.

Ah, Final Cut time (incorporating News Across America):

*An abduction was Caught On Camera in Hollywood.
*A white girl from Alabama is missing in Aruba, "KPTV's Johathan Hunt" informed us. The case has been upgraded from "missing" to "kidnapping." Do I really need to tell you that I have serious doubts about Mr. Hunt's employment by KPTV?
*There was a deadly dog mauling in South Carolina.
*A turnpike standoff in Maine resulted in 1 dead.
*There are sex allegations involving a teacher in Massachusetts.
*A car chase was Caught on Tape in Wisconsin.
A teenager driving a runaway earthmover was shot by the cops in Arizona. This story gave us tonight's only "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" -type comment.
*A school in upstate New York has an annual Take Your Tractor to School Day. This year it involved a deadly accident. Bad John Deere, bad!
*There was a "loose moose" in North Dakota. That makes two in recent days.
*In response to alleged rising crime, the Guardian Angels, complete with their founder, Curtis Sliwas, came to Portland. David Wilson "reported" this story from the KPTV news van, for no apparent reason.

Hollywood Buzz (within The Final Cut):

*Cameron Diaz is suing the National Enquirer for reporting that she was making out with a guy she says she's only friends with. They want $30 million each for the alleged libel.
*Tom Sizemore's sentencing has been postponed. He tells the press that he's serious about wanting to turn his life around.
*Mike Tyson is fighting a new law in Phoenix that would force him to get rid of some of his pet pigeons. "KPTV's Tammy Lightner" (sp?) acted like a total suck-up as she interviewed the convicted rapist who talked about his life-long love for rats with wings.

And, other than sports, that was everything you could possibly need to know about your world tonight. No War On Terror, no Fight For Iraq tonight. Try to get through the withdrawal, OK?

I do have to make a positive comment here. It occurred to me tonight that the KPTV "news" show has had a much lower number of technical screw-ups lately. If I'm going to bust their balls--and I am--it's only fair to note when they do something right. Now if they'd put some effort into reporting actual NEWS, I could end this blog. I won't hold my breath.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*The Pentagon admitted this evening that there were incidents of Koran abuse in Guantanamo. They included troops kicking the Koran and urine "dripping" onto the book from an air vent. WTF!
*A Catholic diocese in Kentucky is going to pay $120 million to victims of sexual abuse by priests.
*12,000 Iraqis have been killed in the last 18 months.
*A federal judge has ordered the administration to release more photos and videos of abuse of prisoners in the Abu Ghraib prison.