Tuesday, June 21, 2005

CrapFest 2005 continues nightly on KPTV. Let's take a look at tonight's episode, shall we?

Top Story: Wait! There's that Breaking News thing again. Oh, what is it this time, Mr. Breaking News? There was a car accident on Route 26. Oh, I thought maybe the war was over or something. Nope, just a dopey car accident.

Back to the Top Story. Beating On The Max. Yup, a guy got beat up on the light rail line in Portland. Well, it was Caught On Camera and all. Uh, wait, what's this small detail? Oh, the beating happened LAST SATURDAY NIGHT! What's today? Tuesday. At what point does something cease to be "news" anymore? No, smartass, the answer is not "When KPTV reports on it." Although now that I think about it...

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was Sandra Duncan. Is that the Sandy Duncan who was a perky although blind in one eye actress who reached her peak in the 70's? Nope.

A rape is being investigated in Corvallis. We got tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story. Yay for parocrialism. When I'm President, gated communities for everyone!

There's a sex offender in Cowlitz County. No, he isn't wanted for anything; KPTV just thought you'd want to know. You know, so you could feel hopelessly surrounded by criminals. Was this the same guy they warned us about last week? Could be. How many sex offenders could there be in friggin' Cowlitz County?

A teacher is in trouble for alleged ownership of kiddy porn. Uh, is this the same teacher/alleged kiddy porn fancier they told us about before? Could be. Why, it's almost as if KPTV recycles criminals, alleged and otherwise, when they don't have fresh crap to terrify their audience with.

The father of a missing teen got into trouble for allegedly assaulting someone. Is he living in Cowlitz County, I wonder.

Lake Oswego cops are investigating allegations of hazing. Some high school girls are accused of abusing some freshmen. They supposedly duct taped the kids to a tree. "Reporter" Hillary Hutchison (whose part is back on the left side of her head again, by the way) showed us a short clip from the movie "Dazed and Confused" featuring hazing as part of this vital story. Yes, a Hollywood movie as part of a news story! Didn't there used to be a divide between reality and fantasy? I know, I know, I'm so Twentieth Century!

A robbery is being investigated somewhere by someone. You want details? Hey, I was trying to eat Jell-O, Pal! YOU write while eating Jell-O.

There was a jewel heist yesterday in Tigard. Any connection to the jewel heist the other day? Who knows? That would require actual investigation! Sheesh, you think this is a NEWS show or something?

The family of Kendra James, who was shot by the Portland police in what some people think was an over-reaction, is suing for $10 million for violating her civil rights.

A youth pastor plead guilty to molesting 3 kids. Buh-bye, Church Boy.

A man missing for several days was found near Beaverton.

Break.

Next we got a tear-jerker of a story about the mother of a girl who died in a car crash the other day. She's on a crusade to stop teen drunk driving. This story was an excuse to talk about the death of a young person, something that tabloid "journalism" just LOVES to exploit.

An SUV crashed near Ontario, all the way across Oregon, next to the Idaho border. The kids inside, who didn't have their seat belts on, died. The father, who was wearing his belt, survived. I'd put a suicide watch on this guy; his guilt for not having the kids belted is going to get to him.

A truck turned over and spilled lumber all over the road. Bad. Good helicopter footage though.

A 15-year-old was found guilty in a manslaughter at a skate park. That's it--time to ban skateboards!

Lucky Cat. He/she got zapped by some power lines and fell to the ground but is alive. Sell that cat on eBay, pronto! Any way you can make it look like Jesus?

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Keli McAllister" who still looks pretty Asian to me, told us about the toddler abandoned at a church in Parkland, Washington.

*The schools in Klamath are cutting 19 jobs because of budget cuts. Oh, there'll be no new books for the kids in September, either. Do kids really need to know about anything that happened after V-J Day??

Break.

Wireless Security Problems "KPTV's Daniel Cyberg" gave us this story about how using wireless technology on your computer could open you up to people spying on you. In other words, it told you what any sentient being who knows anything about Wi-Fi already knew.

Break.

Since we seem to be on a "computer problems" kick, we next got a story about how turning off your computer can save you money on electricity. Wow, I had NO idea that turning off an electrical device would mean that the device would cease drawing current, none at all! Jesus H. Christ, they really do think their viewers are stupid, don't they?

Next, we found out that we should service our air conditioners twice a year because that could save us $200-$300 a year on electricity. No mention, of course, about how much the service calls would cost. I suspect the cost of the service would completely offset the savings in electricity, if not exceed it, but that's just me.

Anchorwoman Shauna Parsons MC'd some award thingie for local construction projects. Well, isn't that nice for her?

Weather. Break.

Ah, the Final Cut, "everything you need to know":

*A missing scout was found unhurt. Damn, you just know they were counting on this kid to replace Natalee Holloway if and when she's found, dead or alive. Story courtesy of "KPTV's Alicia Acuna." I don't know how to put a tilde over the "n" in her name, sorry.

*Some flaming asshole hit a store clerk in the face with a fire extinguisher so he could rob the cash register. The whole thing was Caught On Camera, as they like to say at KPTV.

*An inmate in an Indiana jail broke his own arm so he could claim abuse. The stupid asshole didn't realize the funny-looking thing in the corner of the cell was a camera, apparently.

*There was a road rage arrest in Mississippi.

*The "Mississippi Burning" racist was convicted of manslaughter in, guess where, Mississippi. He's 80 years old, so giving him a 15 year sentence seems a wee bit optimistic, I think. Although, as the prophet Billy Joel told us, only the good die young.

*A baby fell 4 stories out a window in Hawaii. The parents expressed their relief. Um, you know what would have been even better than the kid surviving the fall? If he had parents who paid attention to their child bouncing up and down on the bed so that he wouldn't fly out the window in the first place!

*A street sweeper trapped a driver underneath it in Milwaukee. Note to KPTV "news" staff: That's the Milwaukee in Wisconsin, not the Milwaukie in Oregon!

*A semi loaded with explosives overturned on a highway in Ohio.

*An old Studebaker warehouse burned up in Detroit.

*A local guy's wife was the victim of ID theft. The guy has the goods on the miscreant but the cops haven't done anything about it. They say he didn't suffer enough loss for them to spend the time to deal with the crime. See what happens when you automatically say "No" to any tax increases, folks?

*Some dentist named Rosen has developed anti-cavity candy. It's witchcraft, I say! Witchcraft!

*Next was a total piece of PR bullshit about a cell phone that "helps weight loss." All the thing does it tell you approximately how many calories you've burned when you input the kind of physical activity you've engaged in and how long you engaged in it. Big friggin' deal! "KPTV's Anne Craig" brought us this story. Sure, she said she was "Anne Craig, New York," which probably meas that she works for either WNYW or Fox News Channel, but in some unspecified, vague way, she's close to KPTV's heart. Like that "Wolf Blitzer" guy.

Hollywood Buzz

*Paris Hilton's mother, Kathy, has managed to wangle herself a reality show deal. This thing is doomed to redefine "sucks majorly." I give it six weeks, tops.

*Billy Corgan, singer for the now-defunct Smashing Pumpkins, wants to reunite the band, although he wouldn't say if the new band would include any members of the old band. Um, how would a band made up of totally different people constitute a "reunion?"

Jackson Scandal (tonight part of Hollywood Buzz)

Tabloid "reporter" Diane Dimond is doing a book on the Jackson trial--or something. Yeah, me too. Hey, why not? I watched some of it on TV. That pretty much makes me an expert, right?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Downing Street Memo? What's Downing Street? What's a "memo?"

*Majority Leader Bill Frist did a flip-flop on wanting an "up or down" vote on John Bolton, Bush's controversial nominee for U.N. Ambassador. First he said he'd given up on one, then, two hours later, changed his mind.

*French scientists say they have proven that the Shroud of Turin--you know, the same Shroud of Turin KPTV devoted much air time to a few weeks back--is a medieval-era fraud.

*Hey, no Fight For Iraq or War On Terror tonight? 'Sup wit' dat?