Friday, June 17, 2005

TGIF! It's the weekend, beyotches! In celebration, KPTV "anchor/reporter" Hillary Hutchison moved her part to the right side of her head.

Top Story: New High. Some Washington County kids wanted to celebrate graduating from high school. And what better way than to get high with beer and--Jesus H. Christ!--methadone. What is wrong with kids today? Why can't they get high the old-fashioned way, by huffing cleaning fluid soaked into a rag inside a paper bag, like my friends in the Bronx used to do back in the 70's? Anyway, one of these future brain donors is now in the hospital. Go figure.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight is Gregory Smith. He hasn't checked in with his P.O. recently. Bad Gregory, bad.

Jacob McGhee is the suspect in a house break-in (gee, not a "home invasion"?) and assault. Bad, Jacob, bad (allegedly).

4 suspects got themselves caught robbing a car in front of a police precinct. Duh.

The fill-in weather weasel (although I'm starting to wonder if the regular w.w. has left the station) made an early cameo to "explain" the storms that appeared in the Portland area on Friday. You know, the ones he failed to predict yesterday.

Thieves are stealing expensive construction equipment in the Tigard area. Since some of the stuff includes 500-pound welding machines, the cops have deduced that there are at least a few thieves and that they have trailers or trucks. And people make a fuss about that Sherlock Holmes guy!

"Bizarre arrest": An Asian guy was busted for selling bear paws and gall bladders. It's an Asian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Somebody got killed and there's a reward available for information about the perpetrator. Hey, I just can't write fast enough, even using abbreviations, to keep up with KPTV's fast pace. I'm Old Skool.

Meth Watch. There was a community meeting about the allegedly growing problem of meth use. One black guy at the meeting said that he thought meth got more attention than crack because meth is used mostly by white people while crack was a "black drug." I believe that the demos he cited are accurate, although I couldn't swear that that was the reason meth is getting all the "face time" on TV.

Break.

Hey, here's that I-Team we haven't heard from since the last Sweeps Weeks, even though it appears to currently consist entirely of Kerri Tomlinson. Kerri was in the newsroom tonight to tell us about how Mastercard has fucked up, allowing a virus to gather information on 40 million of their users. A data collection company working for Mastercard is to blame. It didn't look to me like there was any particular "investigative" work on the part of KPTV in this story as it's been circulating all over the journo-sphere (I just coined that word, by the way).

Vancouver, Washington residents rejoice! Your crime rate is down! Except for murder.

Cops pulled some numbnuts over on a routine traffic stop (tail light out) and lo and behold, they find PIPE BOMBS in his car! Buh-bye, you Timothy McVeigh wanna-be.

That fire in a Canby church the other day has been determined to have been caused by a "developmentally-challenged" (retarded) boy.

Speaking of handicapped kids, 4 year-old Brandon is still missing his special wheelchair, although the cops found his family's car. Nah, we don't need universal health care in this country. It's MUCH more efficient to have friggin' bake sales to raise the money for stuff like this.

Hey, remember Ed Boss, the miscreant who was hiding out in the woods? It was a 911 call that nabbed his sorry ass. A woman spotted him and recognized him from the news; she dropped a dime on him and that was that. Who's The Boss now, huh, Ed?

Northwest Tonight

*Wildfire in Hanford!

*Yet another story about the grandfather who allegedly molested his 3 year-old granddaughter. Like I've said before, one of the ways they make you think that crime is out of control is by doing repetitive stories about the same criminals over and over.

*A two-faced kitten was born in Roseburg! Yes, that qualifies as Northwest News. *sigh*

Break.

Scientists believe they have found the gene that triggers the onset of puberty in adolescents. This could ultimately lead to medicines to help kids experiencing early or late puberty.

Break.

The Ford Motor Company is offering incentives to present and former employees to get their family and friends to buy a car.

"KPTV's Rachel Lee" [sp?] brought us a story about this week's earthquakes in California. Bottom line here: experts can't really predict where an earthquake may strike next or how serious it might be. Thanks for the heads-up.

The start of Tigard's Festival of Balloons got off to a slow start because of the rain. It continues over the weekend.

The annual Festival of Flowers in downtown Portland is coming later this month.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut, incorporating News Across America tonight (speaking of things you can't predict). Was there a countdown clock tonight? Why, yes, there was!

*"KPTV's J.P. Hervis" gave us a story about a jewelry store owner and his nephew who kicked the living shit out of a guy who tried to rob the store.

*One of the Goodyear blimps crashed in Coral Gables, Florida. Nice pictures. Only problem is, this happened days ago. Sheesh, can't they even do TIMELY tabloid journalism??

*The 2nd helicopter crash in a week occurred in New York City.

*There was a car chase in Fontana, California. Yawn.

*One of the "persons of interest" in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway was questioned by the police in Aruba.

*Some cheerleaders in Texas are in trouble for using human feces as a topping on a pizza sent to their rivals. Gimme an "S." Gimme an "H." You get the idea.

*A young girl in Wisconsin was set on fire as an amusing party gag. The pyro was 11 years old.

*A mother was arrested for leaving her kids home alone in an apartment with open windows in New York.

*Some guy claims to have found $100 million in gold bullion in the desert in Utah. Mr. Stupid left the booty sitting there for a while before claiming it. Oddly, some people don't buy his story.

*The Search For Brooke (Wilberger): As if to prove that missing white girls get all the airtime, America's Most Wanted is doing yet another story on her this weekend (a couple of days ago, USA Today did a story about how minorities who go missing get nowhere near as much news coverage as white girls). David Frietas (have I been misspelling his name all this time?) gave us this essential story/cross-promotion.

*There are National Science Awards being held in Portland this weekend. The awards are for water-related projects. Yeah, I didn't quite understand it either.

*Bo Who Gives A Fuck?, the American Idol runner-up this year, says he's happy he didn't come in first as it would have cramped his style. John Kerry says the same thing.

Hollywood Buzz

*Tom Cruise adopted Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower on Friday. Oh, wait, he proposed to her! Damn, that's a long way to go for a publicity stunt. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's John Litz" [sp?]

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Still nothing about the letter from Congressman John Conyers asking President Bush to respond to the Downing Street Memo which was signed by over 500,000 Americans (including me).

*Nothing about gasoline being $58.60/barrel.

*NOTHING about the American military lauching Operation Spear near the Syrian border. Think we'll just sort-of ooze across the border? If you get all or most of your news information from KPTV, you may not hear about it. Hey, a puppy fell down a hole! They have to cover the important stuff!

*Congress voted to halve U.N. spending. Nothing to see here, move along.

*Florida governor Jeb Bush is still hassling Michael Schiavo, even though we now have the autopsy results, which show that she was not abused.

*Former Tyco executives Dennis Kozlowski and Mark Swartz were found guilty of grand larceny, conspiracy, securities fraud and falsifying business records. Numbers of words on the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show about this: 0