Thursday, June 16, 2005

Hold your nose. We're diving into the deep end of tabloid "journalism."

Top Story. Hey, wait, we're being interrupted by Breaking News (or what passes for it on KPTV, anyway). There's a fire at a church in Canby. The Canby Alliance Church to be specific. We don't know anything about any casualities or injuries at this time, though. Now back to the Top Story (which, with that interruption, doesn't look so "top" anymore, does it?):

Attacked At Home. Some people were robbed in their home in Estacada. The alleged perps are a male/female duo. The lady of the house got roughed up, so we got to hear her neighbors tell us about how she's doing.

Fox 12's Most Wanted was a robbery suspect in Nevada. Uh, okay, so why is he the "Most Wanted" on a Portland station? Oh, he may be in Oregon. We also saw Harry Neely, Jr.'s mug again. He's still not a very nice man.

Randy Rope (did I copy that name right?) is a very creepy individual, apparently. He allegedly would get his victims drunk or high while they were in his motel room, then molest them, videotaping the whole thing. The cops found 100 tapes of his assaults in his room. He's been found guilty of 40 charges. "Reporter" David Frietas told us about this, while holding a VHS tape as his obligatory prop.

A "serial molester" named Schwartzmiller got busted in California. He used to live in Oregon so that's the "local angle." He kept notebooks with the names of 36,000 people he claimed to have molested. That ought to get him into the Guinness book, I'd say. Even his granddaughter said he's creepy. His roommate, who allegedly posed as his son, also got arrested in San Jose.

A burglary suspect was arrested in Aloha, Oregon.

There was an illegal fireworks bust in Washington state. By that I mean that people selling illegal fireworks were arrested. Duh.

Dr. Patel, to whom 87 deaths have been ascribed, is being sought by Australian officials.

Yucaipa, California was the epicenter of an earthquake on Thursday. The weather weasel turned up to explain, sort of, what's up with Mother Earth's hot flashes.

Break.

"Reporter" David Wilson turned up with a slice of pizza as his prop to tell us the story about a pizza shop in Woodland that is accused of selling marijuana. A local gave us tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.

Meth Watch

*7 people got arrested in Gresham for running a mobile meth lab. Yesterday. Remember? We told you about it then. This was a short recap of yesterday's "news."

A 4 year-old crippled kid named Brandon got his specially-made wheelchair stolen.

There was a fire in a historic school building in Eugene. Oh, it happened "earlier this week." Gee, wouldn't it have been a good idea to tell us about it then?

Northwest Tonight

*A bear was caught using Krispy Kreme donuts as bait in Washington state.

*Some people in a boat were rescued in Richland, Washington.

*"KPTV's Dan Springer" told us about a political fight in Washington. Both Republicans and Democrats are opposing the state's new "Top Two" ballot in which the top two place-holders in a primary go up against each other for the gold in the general election.

Break.

Yay, Dirty Dining is back!

We were told that Dirty Dining is expanding to include restaurants in the Clackamas area, "by popular demand." Uh huh. Anyway, Kerri Tomlinson told us about a bar/restaurant named Cheers II. They're repeat offenders with stuff like mold in the refrigerator, etc. They've now cleaned up their act, apparently.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*A joint resolution has been introduced in Congress to pull the troops out of Iraq by October 2006 which, conveniently enough, is a month before the mid-term elections. Just a coincidence, I'm sure.

*A "top Al Qaeda leader" has been found. Have you noticed that EVERYBODY in Al Qaeda is a "top" guy? Is it like the Special Olympics where everybody gets a medal or something?

Fees have been dropped at some National Forest sites. That's good.

Next we got a pretty long story about why scientists now think some kids really dislike vegetables. This might have been more interesting to me than to some people because I was one of those kids. My nephew hates vegetables, too. I still don't eat veggies, to be honest. Anyway, the aversion seems to be genetically-based and usually fades with time (not in my case, though).

Weather. Break.

Final Cut. Hey, the clock is back!

News Across America

*There was a car chase in Van Nuys, California. The driver had his wife and kids in the car with him.

*A harrier jet crashed in Yuma, Arizona. The pilot successfully bailed out. No one died.

*The power was out last night in Houston. Forgot to tell us last night, didja, KPTV?

*There's a new "crop circle" in a tobacco field in North Carolina. Some stupid radio DJ or talk show host opined that it might be caused by aliens because there has been a "cattle mutilation" next county over. Well, if that doesn't prove it... Those stupid kill-joy scientists say that it was probably caused by a whirlwind, though. Full disclosure: I used to be a radio DJ and talk show host, so I know how stupid they can be.

*A "contemporary artist" recreated people falling from the World Trade Center as part of an art piece in Chicago.

*A shoplifter in Indiana stabbed a security guard with a needle, claiming that it contained AIDS. The actual contents have not been determined yet.

*A former self-described "vampire" was arrested for biting girls in Indiana.

*Hooters Air has been sued by some women who claim to have originated the idea of an airline owned by the restaurant chain.

*The "Runaway Bride" has a new book and movie deal. Don't even pretend to be surprised.

*Some schmuck named Howard is standing on a corner in Omaha wearing a sign that says he's looking for a wife. He says he's also considering renting a billboard. My bullshit detector went off during this story. I have a funny feeling it may turn out to be a radio station stunt (not that I'm holding my breath for KPTV to follow up if I'm right).

*"Reporter" David Wilson was in the KPTV "news" van to tell us about 2 people who got arrested for robbing ATM's.

*A survey finds that Americans prefer to watch movies in their homes over going to the theater. When's the last time you went to a movie theater? What are they getting nowadays for a ticket? How much is a jeroboam of popcorn? How did you like the giggly teenagers in the seats behind you talking all through the friggin' movie? Gee, why would people prefer to watch movies at home?

Hollywood Buzz

*That soft core porn Paris Hilton commercial with her Deep Throating a hamburger is going to air in more markets soon, only after 9 PM in the Midwest though.

*A nightclub DJ is suing Kid Rock for assault. Moral of the story: make sure there isn't a security camera nearby before you hit someone, especially if you have deep pockets.

*The "stars" of Nanny 911 were in Portland on Thursday for a book signing. Golly, doesn't Nanny 911 air on KPTV? Why yes, it does. Thanks for asking.

Next we got what seemed to be tonight's longest story. As anyone who's ever watched KPTV's "news" show will know immediately, that means that it was about something almost totally inconsequential: permanent makeup. "KPTV's Ann Craig" [spelling?] told us about how some women are getting eyeliner, lipstick, etc. tattooed onto their faces. Oh yeah, that seems like a great idea! What-evah!

And that was it for the Final Cut tonight. Wait! Here's that Breaking News again. Kerri Tomlinson was out at the site of that church fire. Only problem was her microphone sounded like crap. They dumped out of her remote shot and promised to give us more about the story at the top of the hour. Bwah ha ha ha ha. Just when I was going to praise KPTV again for fixing their technical problems!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Congressman John Conyers staged a rally in Lafayette Park across the street from the White House on Thursday. He then walked across the street and presented the House staff with a letter asking President Bush to respond to the minutes of a high level British meeting that said that Bush wanted to go to war with Iraq at a time when he was telling the public that he hadn't made up his mind yet. The letter was signed by 553,996 American citizens. Nope, no news there!

*Halliburton has received a $30 million contract to build a new prison at Guantanamo.

*According to a new poll, 73% of Americans now say the casualties in Iraq are "unacceptable."