Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Well, the big Tsunami Scare of 2005 is over and we've returned back to our home here on the tree-infested Oregon coast. As I am still high and dry, it's time once again for KPTV Watch.

Top story tonight: Uncovering Meth. This was the meth bust du jour. 2 guys got busted and 4 kids are now in custody. The cops found what was referred to as a "mobile meth lab." It looked like a Rubbermaid storage bin with lid to me, but I'm not the meth expert here, KPTV is!

There was a "car prowl crime spree" in Hillsboro. The local cops busted 2 guys for allegedly stealing car stereos and the like. We got tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story.

Speaking of cliches, until a few months back, a reference to how close a crime site was to a school, usually expressed in terms of "blocks" (as in "The meth lab was just blocks from a school") was as common as "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" on the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show. Lately though, you hardly ever are told about how close an educational establishment is to a crime scene. I doubt that the KPTV "news" team has had an attack of relevance; I suspect they've just temporarily forgotten about the how-close-to-a-school scare tactic. Maybe it'll come back in September.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was Preston George, who has a cool name even if he is a[n] (alleged) scumbag. Oh, Most Wanted alumnus Ed Boss has been captured and has a day in court coming up.

The next story was actually of some importance to those of us who live in Tsunami Central. Kerri Tomlinson was in the KPTV "news" van for no apparent reason, but she told us about how local coastal communities reacted to the Tsunami Alert. We heard a 911 call in which the caller was told that they should put on the TV or radio as the 911 center had no special information to give out.

In further Tsunami News, the upscale tourist town of Cannon Beach has a new alert system which apparently worked well, letting visitors know that the Earth was possibly about to end, allowing them to panic in orderly fashion.

On the other hand, many people in the larger semi-touristy town of Lincoln City got no warning about Mr. Pacific possibly readying to vomit sea water on them. Hmm, suddenly, building that big casino right on the ocean doesn't seem like quite such a great idea, huh? I'm talking to you, Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians.

Next, the substitute weather weasel gave us a Tsunami Timeline, just to show us the bullet we dodged, I guess.

Break.

Back from the commercials, time for actual NEWS was over; we were back to the Festival of Frivolity we usually get on the KPTV "news" show. A 13 year-old boy drove a car and, go figure, crashed into a couple of front yards. His mom was in the car with him and police suspect that she *might* have been intoxicated. The argument in favor of that theory was supported by the fact that Mommy Drunkest has two previous DUII's on her record. We got another "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment here. I'm curious, in what neighborhood do you expect to see 13 year-olds driving through fences?

Somebody got charged with rape.

2 suspects got themselves bitten by canine cops in the course of being arrested. Nice going, boys.

There have been 2 cougar sightings in Troutdale in recent days. Same cougar? Nobody knows yet.

Northwest Tonight

There are some teenagers going around hawking periodicals in what KPTV referred to as a "magazine scam" in Renton, Washington. I suspect that "magazine scam" might be a bit harsh for what may be going on here. Let me make it clear that I know nothing about this specific incident, but I do know that there are companies that take kids out of school for the summer, transport them across the country and have them go door to door, selling magazines (a friend of mine got caught up in this back in the 90's). They're a little bit pushy, to be sure, but as far as I know, they actually do provide the magazines ordered. Be that as it may, it seems that, according to KPTV, nothing more important than this is happening in the American Northwest. Say, isn't there a mayor in trouble somewhere? Oh, fiddle faddle.

Break.

Someone is stealing expensive stuff in Albany, Oregon. The local "Hubby for Hire" guy is missing his trailer and equipment; they were stolen from his driveway. He figures he's out about 40 large ones. Ouch!

Break.

As mentioned in a previous KPTV Watch, the Regal Theater chain was applying for a liquor license so they could serve booze in some of their movie theaters. For reasons unknown, they have dropped their application.

Longer off-leash hours are now in effect for the summer in Portland. Throw off your shackles, my canine brothers! Then put them back on and walk home.

Some do-gooders in southeast Portland threw a potluck dinner for cops. They've been doing this for many years, it seems.

The weather weasel was back to tell us that there have been some tsunami aftershocks today. There were tremors all around the Pacific "Rim of Fire" on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut (kicking off with News Across America):

*Deadly shooting at a Connecticut courthouse! An ex-wife and a lawyer are dead.

*Some loser who threw a rock at a D.C. bus driver for no apparent reason was Caught on Tape!

*Runaway boxcar in Ohio hits 2 cars!

*A small plane landed on a golf course in Michigan!

*Cars were firebombed in Miami!

*Young attractive blonde white woman Natalee Holloway is still missing in Aruba. The Aruban police impounded the car of one of the suspects in her disappearance.

*The Terri Schiavo autopsy results are in! They prove conclusively that everything right wing talk show hosts said about her situation was completely wrong. They will now all apologize for misleading the public and then commit suicide. Oh sorry, I thought I was living in a just world there for a moment.

*Some shit-for-brains tried to rob a beauty school in Louisiana! The instructors and students beat him with their curling irons and other implements of beauty, all the while shouting, "Oh no you di'int!" (I don't actually know what, if anything, they said, but I'm going with "Oh no you di'int" just the same.)

*In Kansas, a student vomited on a teacher and was charged with battery! Oh, he also got expelled. Hey, if we let people vomit on us, the terrorists win.

*There are some mighty lame-looking "crop circles" in Indiana. If these were caused by aliens, they must be Special Ed E.T.'s who ride in a short saucer and wear intergalactic hockey helmets.

*A puppy fell down a hole and eventually was rescued in Missouri. The local who spoke on camera was named Chad Everett, which I found mildly amusing. Ask your parents.

*This was weird: without warning, Fox 12's Most Wanted was back, making a highly unusual appearance in the middle of the Final Cut. Harry Neely, Jr. is on the loose and may be back in Portland. He's not a nice man and you shouldn't approach him on your own. Like Dick Cheney.

*Next, we got a breaking story about Treating Cellulite. It's bad enough that crap like this is in a "news" show but it was also longer than just about any other story on the show. "KPTV's Beth Galvin" (who apparently actually works for some station in Georgia) told us all about some piece of quackery called the Velasmooth. It looked like one of those big vibrator thingies you see in the Brookstone store when you're killing time at the airport, but it does something or other to your cellulite. Whatever.

*Speaking of whatever, it's the 25th anniversary of Pac-Man! In his (its?) honor, we're going to get a saturation attack of Pac-stuff this summer.

Hollywood Buzz

*Eddie Murphy is going to play a SINGER in the film version of the Broadway show Dreamgirls.

*Elton John's Vegas stint has been extended to 2008.

*"Actor" Tom Cruise is defending his "relationship" with Katie Holmes. Awww, the little guy has a girlfriend. How cute.

*This last story was a classic piece of whoredom disguised as "journalism." Some local developer has a thing called the "Street of New Beginnings" going on currently. This is a row of 10 houses, each done up in a different style. They actually CHARGE people to see this! Yes, you read that right--they want you to PAY to look at model homes! This story was longer than anything else in the Final Cut segment and totally looked like a commercial. I don't have any actual proof of this, but I'm willing to bet that some money changed hands to get this on the "news" show. They gave the price of the tickets, put up a map to show you where this rip-off is and directed you to the KPTV.com website for more information. If I'm right that this was paid for, does anyone know if it's illegal to charge for placement in a "news" show? It damn well ought to be!

Hey, no War on Terror or Fight For Iraq tonight? I guess the tsunami retrospective pushed the friggin' WAR off the show. By the way, there was no still-unexplained countdown clock on the Final Cut tonight. Maybe it got shipped off to Iraq and they just forgot about it.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Not a word, not one friggin' word, about Iraq! Bombs only killed 33 people there, so no big deal, I guess. Any of them American troops? Who knows? Just make sure to have one of those stupid fake magnetic "ribbons" on your car.

*Nothing at all about the Senate being about to vote on a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. There was only one instance of flag burning reported last year, but this apparently is FAR more important than, say, universal health insurance.

*Not a single word about the fact that the House voted to block the part of the Patriot Act that allows the government to investigate the reading habits of terror suspects. They were all over that "dog falling down a hole" thing though.