Sunday, June 12, 2005

KPTV is running a promo that says that some "professional journalists'" organization has given them an award for, if I remember correctly, "Best Newscast in Portland." Oh really? It must be that "Wolf Blitzer" guy they've apparently hired to work for them that's helped them climb to the peak of journalism's Valhalla. Anyway...

Top Story: The suspect in the rape/attempted rape (I'm still not sure which applies here) of the lady in the church from the other day turned himself in to the cops. He's been arrested, as you'd expect. This story gave us tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.

You want to know just how repetitious KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show is? I actually started to do commentary on last night's show notes again by accident and I didn't realize it until I got about three paragraphs in. It's the same "if it bleeds, it leads" crap every night.

There was a shooting on the Willamette River ferry. It involved a pellet gun.

A Vancouver, Washington man maybe/kind of/perhaps confessed to starting the fire that destroyed his home. KPTV seemed to think he did, but what I heard him say didn't exactly amount to a confession, I didn't think. Your milage may vary.

A construction worker who was involved in an accident on the job on Friday has died.

A murder suspect is in custody.

A man who escaped from prison in Wisconsin was caught in Oregon.

Police in pursuit of a guy accused of ID theft caught him hiding in a tree.

We got a recap of the story about the King City cop/alleged child rapist.

Some guy got robbed while he was trying to buy pot. Was it at 4:20, dude?

An Alzheimer's patient from the Portland area who went missing turned up at the coast, about a hundred miles away. KPTV didn't bother to explain to us how the woman got to the coast, though. Details, details.

Hey, remember that industrial fire from Saturday. We got to hear about it again.

A strip mall in Stayton destroyed one of the businesses there.

Classrooms In Crisis (shouldn't there be scary music to go with this?)

*Have you read my little rant on how the "news" should explain that schools are closing because people voted against tax hikes? Scroll down and read it if you haven't already. Anyway, we got a look at one of the schools which has closed for good. Jim Hyde talked to some of the parents and teachers. They would like to see the school kept open, understandably. Hey folks, talk to your friends and neighbors who voted to close it! No money = no school.

The strike at the cheese factory in Tillamook (one of the biggest tourist attractions in the entire state of Oregon, believe it or not) is over. The Creamery Association, which owns and operates the factory, didn't give details of the settlement but their statement about "industry realities" sounded like they came out better than the workers did. Figures.

Portland area cops have given out 47 seat belt citations in a new program designed to harass the citizenry. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. It's a "public safety campaign." My bad.

Northwest Tonight

*Those grandparents who allegedly hog-tied their offspring's offspring are scheduled to go to court. I can't wait to hear their defense.

*There was a fatal glider crash in Washington state. And that's everything that happened in the Northwest in the past 24 hours considered newsworthy by "Portland's Best Newscast."

Break.

America Tonight

*"KPTV's Rick Leventhal," charter non-member of "Portland's Best Newscast" team told us about the boys allegedly involved in the disappearance of attractive, young, blond, white woman Natalee Holloway. Turns out that what the Aruban police thought was blood found in the boys' car wasn't blood after all. The Holloway family complains that the police aren't keeping them informed about what's going on in the case. Can't say I blame them for being upset if that's true.

*A fire in a Philadelphia row home killed 5 kids.

*A family in Houston is suing because the ashes of their deceased Mom are missing, replaced by some potato chips. Yes, really.

*There was a tribute to a girl who went missing 10 years ago in Arkansas (or was it Arizona?) I wrote down "AR" but I'm not sure that was the right state abbreviation. Sorry. Hey, maybe I'm inaccurate enough to join "Portland's Best Newscast"'s team. Waddaya think?

*A tornado in Wisconsin resulted in no injuries.

*An earthquake in Southern California also resulted in no reported injuries.

*A man in a wacky home-made superhero costume disrupted a city government hearing in Overtown, Florida. Funny, I thought Overtown was a section of Miami, not a separate city, but I could be wrong.

*There was a Water Rescue Rodeo somewhere or other.

World Tonight

*A train derailed in Moscow.

*There was a deadly mudslide in Colombia.

*A male goat is giving milk in India. Naturally, this is considered some kind of miracle or something rather than a hormonal imbalance. Expect the goat to turn up on eBay any day now.

Break.

Back, we got another story about that Project: Safe Neighborhoods thing which gave us no new information of note. KPTV loves them some crime-related stories (even if they have to repeat the same ones), lemme tell you.

Break.

Since the Supreme Court has thrown the whole medical marijuana thing up in the air, the 10 states which made it available to sick people may rebel against the Feds. "KPTV's Dan Springer" told us that Oregon and Alaska aren't issuing any new cards for medical pot.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*A man is in critical condition after driving his Toyota into a Tri-Met bus. The officials haven't released his name yet. This story didn't seem like typical Final Cut fare to me. It was the type of thing they usually run closer to the top of the show, but who am I to argue with "Portland's Best Newscast?"

*In Jackson Scandal "news," there's still nothing to tell anyone, since the court has been closed since Friday. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Chris Lawrence" even though he mentioned CNN in the piece. Gee, do you think he knows "KPTV's Wolf Blitzer?" Maybe they carpool to work together.

Hollywood Buzz

*Some guy who has a part in "The O.C." (a Fox show, go figure!) is in the new Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie movie, "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." Oh, his name is Adam Brody. I feel much more well-informed about the world around me now that I know that.

*Tupac Shakur, whose murder in front of dozens of witnesses on the Vegas strip has never been solved, was remembered in Georgia.

*The original members of Pink Floyd will reunite for the big Live 8 concert.

*Fan Fair, an annual country music get-together, was held over the weekend.

*Wanna buy Johnny Cash's house? Pony up $3 million.

*Next, we got an inexplicably long story (probably the longest story in the entire "news" cast) about Muzak. Yes, the company that provides music for elevators and on-hold recordings. This thing was practically a love letter to Muzak. Why it was even on a "news" show I have no idea, but it was brought to us by "KPTV's Eric White."

*Last and not quite least (not so long as that Muzak thing aired) was a quickie about the Dragon Boat races which took place on Sunday in Portland.

Not that everyone connected with the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show shouldn't be horsewhipped on general principles, but having the nerve to refer to the Final Cut segment as "everything you need to know" should automatically trigger the death penalty.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Not a word about the upcoming book by a conservative author which claims that Chelsea Clinton is the result of her father Bill raping his wife Hillary.

*No "Fight For Iraq" piece tonight at all. The death toll for American troops has now exceeded 1700.

*No mention of the fact that the former petroleum industry spokesweasel who changed government-sponsored reports on the climate to make them less damning to the industry has now resigned. The White House said that his resignation was not related to the discovery of his creative editing at all. Uh huh.