Friday, July 8, 2005

Stop the presses! I realized tonight that I've been misspelling Hilary Hutcheson's name. I've been so mesmerized by her peripatetic hair part, I guess, that I haven't been paying enough attention to the Chyron on the bottom of the screen. Oh, by the way, the part is back in the center of H.H. (as I like to call her)'s head. Wait! I just thought of this: maybe the location of her part on a given day is a secret message to someone, terrorists perhaps? Where's Homeland Security when you need them? Hey, if it saves one life...

Top Story: Oh, no, Breaking News! Quel Domage (or however that's spelled). There's a two-alarm fire at a business (Dollar Warehouse) on Sandy Blvd. in Northeast Portland. It's a big ol' mess out there.

Back to the now-reduced-in-importance Top Story. A woman was sexually assaulted at a hotel in Albany, Oregon. The Bad Guy got into the woman's room somehow and was hiding in the closet. She was in town to get some training for her new job as a waitress at Applebee's (they get training for that??). The miscreant then took her in her own car for a two-hour drive. The other guests at the hotel knew nothing about the assault until the KPTV Nosey Parkers informed them to get their reactions on camera. Some gave the predictable response; others were more blase about it. There's a porn store next to the hotel and it has security cameras outside so the cops are going to look at the tape to see if the can get some clues from it.

The Beaverton youth pastor who was accused of sex abuse entered a plea of guilty. What is it with very religious people committing heinous crimes? Christian Longo threw his family into the bay in Newport. Edward Morris buried his in the Tillamook forest. No, I'm not saying that all religious people are sex nuts or homicidal maniacs but when was the last time you heard of an atheist serial killer? Food for thought.

Speaking of bull-goose loonies, Lenier Ayers has been declared a sex predator by a judge. Apparently that's the technical legal term for what the layman would refer to as "creepy bastard."

Police documents have been released in the Kendra James case. Turns out that current police chief Derrick Foxworth voted at the time to fire the officer who fatally shot her during a traffic stop. He was the only one of three assistant chiefs who voted to fire Foxworth. The other two voted to suspend him.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

*Recap time, kids. We heard again about alleged white supremacist Prueitt and the two goofballs who broke into the house of the 77 year-old man the other day. If you see them, don't deal with them yourself, call 911, yadda yadda yadda.

The man accused of killing Carlea Cooper and putting her body in his car trunk was in court. Anthony Dente hasn't been formally charged with her death yet. Phone records indicate that he had contact with her shortly before her death, although her friends say they don't know him. David Freitas "reported" on this from the KPTV "news" van for no apparent reason.

Ricky Miller hit a pedestrian in Astoria. Wednesday. In a related story, scientists have discovered a chronosynclastic infundibulum (AKA "time warp") centered over Rt. 26 which delays the travel of information from the northern Oregon coast to the Portland area for 48 hours. Anyway, Miller has 2 prior DUII's.

Break.

Uh oh, Breaking News again! Hair Part Hilary is still out at the scene of the fire. 107th and N.E. Sandy Blvd. to be precise. Nothing much new to report.

Debra Gill drew the short straw and had to cover the E.coli-in-Fairview's-water story. Locals are ticked that the health department notified them of the situation by putting a flier on their doors. The cooties are mostly gone now but Fairview residents are still advised to boil their water for the next three days. Deb used a copy of the memo as her prop.

A cougar has been sighted in Sunrise Park. It will be shot when found by the authorities. According to kptv.com, a similar kitty was spotted in the same location last month.

The 25 animals the Crazy Generic Animal Lady mentioned last night had in her home (including GEESE!) are now up for adoption. CGAL herself is still in the hospital because of a stroke.

Lookie! Storm Team 12 has a new toy: Realtime Radar. It's a hookup to the National Weather Service which gives them the ability to put 10-second old radar info on the air. Ain't technology wonderful!

Break.

War On Terror/London Attack

Caroline Shiveley, who I don't think was claimed by KPTV as "their" reporter (unless I missed it) was on hand via the magic of videotape to tell us that the latest count in London says dozens are dead and over 700 people are wounded. We were told that London is trying to get back to normal and that security is tightened for American transportation systems as a result of the attacks.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*The first female soldier from Oregon to die in Iraq was buried on Friday.

*American troops found a "huge" stash of arms in Kirkuk.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

*A Missouri man tried to break up a big fight and got himself killed for his trouble. This happened on Tuesday. Chronosynclastic infundibulum between there and Portland, too?

*Minnesota police were chasing a car when it flipped up in the air and landed on top of another car.

*Mt. Rushmore is being steam-cleaned which lead to the inevitable shot of a guy in a harness standing on George Washington's nose.

*The Oregon Senate has passed a civil union bill. It now goes to the House which is controlled by Republicans, meaning it will almost certainly suffer an ignominious death. Sorry, gay people!

Breaking News

*Hilary's hair is still out at the fire scene. Nothing much has changed. There are no injuries.

I-Team 12

*Keri Tomlinson told us about changes in credit card policies, raising minimum payments. With this and bankruptcies becoming harder to obtain, what's the Vegas line on when debtors' prisons make a comeback?

There's a massive recall of some Pokeman toys. They may have needles sticking out of them. Hey, that's not a flaw, that's an interactive pain feature!

Appraisal Inflation. Apparently that's a problem where some appraisers tell you your house is worth a lot more than it is. The actual story will be on Saturday night's KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

Next we got Part Two of the Gambling On The Go story from last night. As Keri T. told us last night, there is a new technology that lets people gamble via their cell phones. Pokerroom.com is the big money behind this thing. Is this legal? No one seems to know for sure. Another question was how do they know the phone isn't being used by a minor?

Hollywood Buzz

*Singer Luther Vandross was buried on Friday. Many celebrities were in attendance.

*Catherine Zeta-Jones' stalker got 3 years in jail although the sentence may be shortened.

*Lindsay Lohan's crazy dad "spoke out" from jail. Although he hasn't actually spoken to his kids in over a year, that didn't stop him from opining that Lindsay's recent drastic weight loss is just a result of her being a "trendsetter." On behalf of all the American men who actually like a little sweater meat on their women (was that sexist enough for you?), thanks for nothing, Lindsay. Besides getting his mail in the hoosgow, Michael Lohan is also in the middle of a divorce. He says he plans on devoting his life to helping the poor when he is released. Uh huh.

*Portland International Raceway is hosting classic Porsche races all weekend.

*The Mattress World charity golf tournament went well, raising mucho dinero for something or other.

*Local fast food chain Burgerville, USA is expanding to downtown Portland and Washington state. After In-N-Out Burger (not available in Oregon), Burgerville, USA is my second favorite burger chain. Neither of them freeze the beef in their sandwiches, which makes a HUGE difference in how it tastes. I would kick the Burger King in the nuts and step over Ronald McDonald's corpse to get to a Burgerville, USA or an In-N-Out Burger.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*After topping the news charts for a couple of weeks, suddenly Natalee Holloway is getting less attention from KPTV than the Portland City Council (and that's nearly impossible to achieve). The weird thing is the story has actually gotten more interesting in recent days with people in Aruba threatening to sue Holloway's mother for "defaming" the island by implying that the authorities there aren't doing enough to find her missing daughter.

*An abandoned freight train caused a fear of terrorism in San Diego. Sheesh, wouldn't you think a story like that is just tailor-made for the KPTV Fearcast?

*Finally conceding that he was drawing dead, as they say in poker, Florida governor Jeb Bush has dropped plans to brings charges against Michael Schiavo, husband of deceased political football Terri.

*L.A. book publisher William Dorich has brought a class-action suit against the Catholic Church for allegedly helping fleeing members of a brutal, pro-Nazi regime in Croatia hide and launder millions of dollars worth of loot immediately after the end of World War II.