Thursday, June 30, 2005

If you have a spare moment, take a look at the comments this site has been getting lately. It seems this little blog has gotten WAY under the skin of someone at Kitten Up A Tree Central, AKA KPTV "news." You'll laugh 'til you cry; you'll cry 'til you bleed internally as you read the nonsense dished up by this person, who HAS to be an intern. Even as a critic of KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show, I find it hard to believe that this loser could be drawing a paycheck.

Anyway...

Top Story. Little Matel Sanchez is still missing. This is a terrible thing for his family and certainly deserves news coverage, although I'm not entirely convinced that it's the "Top Story" in the Portland metro. We were told that his grandmother's car was impounded by the cops.

A group called the Child Seek Network is distributing information about Matel in the Milwaukie area. It's hard to imagine that anyone in Milwaukie hasn't heard about the missing child, but specifics about him are probably good for people to have, in case someone spots him. Next we got a recap of the known facts in the case.

David Pyatt of the Corvallis area was stabbed in the neck and other body parts and left for dead on the side of the road. Since the story involved a stabbing, "reporter" David Frietas had a--say it with me--KNIFE as his on-camera prop.

Wesley Vogel allegedly pointed a gun at his neighbors. Oddly, the neighbors took exception to this and notified the local constabulary, which responded by arresting the aforementioned Mr. Vogel.

Carlos Santos appears to be an aficionado of weaponry, having many, many firearms, including a grenade launcher, in his possession. As a neighbor opined, "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" (or words to that effect). For those keeping score, it took until 10:08 to get that cliche tonight. You're slipping, KPTV!

Fox 12's Most Wanted

*Robert Kirkwood robbed a convenience store. As you may suspect, this is against the law in Oregon.

*Hey, remember Anita Meyers from the other night? She got herself good and arrested.

*That accused murderer, Nick Walter, that the Portland cops accidentally released the other day has been caught. According to kptv.com, "Police arrested Nick Walter in a Sacramento coffee shop yesterday afternoon." Um, so why didn't they tell us about this on LAST night's "news" cast? Pathetic.

A court hearing for a parent involved in a child abuse accusation has been scheduled.

Break.

There was a "girl gang" shooting in Gresham.

The cops have made an arrest in the arson case involving that naggy lady's RV. The alleged perpetrator is, as she suspected, a local teen, which means that she might not be completely mental after all.

Hey, speaking of teen arsonists, a local youth has been charged with starting an apartment fire the other day. When can we expect to see Teen Arson: A New Trend, with a voice-over by Shauna Parsons?

The death in a Beaverton fire the other day has been ruled a suicide.

A young woman, the lone survivor of that small plane crash in Yamhill last week, has been released from the hospital.

Northwest Tonight

*Taxes are going up in Washington state.

*A big-ass ferry boat crashed into many small boats in Vancouver, B.C. The actual collision was--what else?--Caught On Tape.

*Speaking of our neighbor to the North, Canada has decided that it can no longer afford to sell drugs to people in the U.S. Wait, I'm getting the vapors! KPTV actually provided some information in this story, telling the audience that the United States has the highest pharmaceutical prices in the world. Sad, but true.

*Quoting from the kptv.com website: "Oregon would have a new 'virtual school district' _ offering distance-learning courses to K-12 schools _ under a bill that passed the Senate Thursday." I had to quote the website because I didn't quite understand the version that aired on the 10 o'clock "news" show.

Next was a "story" that I understood all too well. On Friday morning, Good Day, Oregon is going to have some stupid story about dining. Whatever, dude!

The Portland Police Bureau handed out some awards to cops and civilians who did heroic things recently.

Break.

War On Terror

*All 16 soldiers in that helicopter crash in Afghanistan the other day are dead. Last night KPTV said there were 17 on board. I'm certainly happy that the death toll is lower than previously reported; I'm just noting the discrepancy for the record.

*The new president-elect in Iran may be one of the scumbags who held Americans hostage for 444 days back in 1989. At least that's the opinion of some of the former hostages. Others of them aren't sure he's the same guy. Gee, if only we had a--oh, I dunno--a SPY AGENCY that tracked stuff like that.

NASA, the plucky little never-say-die government agency, is sending the shuttle up again on July 13. Hey, astronauts, I have some advice for you: if they start making you wear red shirts like the ensigns on the original Star Trek, DON'T GO!

Break.

Pump Patrol, y'all. Gas in Portland is averaging $2.24/gallon.

The next "story" was actually a promotion for a piece that will air tomorrow night on KPTV about etiquette classes for kids. Oh yeah, I'm sure that the average person in Oregon, a state with one of the highest unemployment levels in America, is coughing up the bucks to send their kids to friggin' ETIQUETTE CLASSES! Maybe they should transfer this "news" show over to the Sci-Fi Network.

Fire Season 2005

*Utah is in flames!

*California is in flames!

*A burn ban is in effect in several Portland suburbs.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut, again incorporating News Across America.

*Some numbnuts drove onto the runway at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, precipitating a chase by the cops.

*A military jet crashed in Aurora, Colorado.

*Lightning killed a golfer and an inmate in Ohio. The inmate was holding an aluminum baseball bat at the time.

*There was a hazmat emergency at a military facility in Maryland. Turns out there was no actual danger to the public. Hey Maryland! You just got Punked!

*That "mad cow" from the other day has been traced to Texas. The authorities--who never lie to the public--say the cow didn't enter the animal or human food chain.

*Some masked crooks broke into a pet store and stole puppies. This is the second time in recent days the (presumably) same people have stolen dogs from this chain of pet stores. Time to install a burglar alarm, perhaps?

*There have been more shark sightings in Florida. Are "shark sightings" the meme for Summer '05?

*An injured pelican which received over 100 stitches was released in California. God speed, you bleedin' sea bird!

*A ride at Six Flags, Houston, got stuck, stranding its riders in the air for a while. Everybody's OK.

*A mother got $10,000 from GoldenPalace.com for having their name tattooed on her forehead. She says she'll use the money to pay for her kid's college tuition. America, Land of Opportunity (for people with low self-esteem)!

*The Search for Matel was back. Hilary Hutchison (I didn't notice which side of her head her part was on tonight, sorry) gave us a recap of the facts in the missing kid case with no new information other than that seizing his grandma's car was Standard Operating Procedure and didn't mean that she was a suspect.

*Jamie Wilson was in Gresham to tell us that gang activity is allegedly up this year.

*Ah, here's that Campground Crime story again. Jim Hyde trotted out a sex attack from last year to frighten us into thinking that visiting a campground is dangerous. The story actually said that crime at campgrounds hasn't increased this year and isn't particularly common to begin with. It's not like facts are the point in a KPTV "news" story, though; it's all about the fear.

Hollywood Buzz

*Stop the presses! Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got married. She's preggers.

*Speaking of "celebrity" weddings, American Idol winner Bo Bice got secretly hitched weeks ago. Here's the real news: His actual first name is Harold (no, I'm not kidding. I only wish I were).

*Former American Idol fat guy Ruben Studdard is suing his former manager for ripping him off.

Yes, the Inscrutable Countdown Clock was in attendance. Wayne Garcia wrapped up the Final Cut with 7 seconds left on it. Is there a bonus which depends on how fast you can rip through this segment, I wonder.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):
(This edition was put together by my wife, who is much better at it than I am.)

*Looking for ways to finance highway projects, the U.S. Congress appears set to pass a proposal to encourage private ownership of new toll roads. While the proposal has broad support in Washington and the business community, the idea of private highways has incited grassroots opposition in some states. The move would bring lucrative fees to Wall Street banks and others for underwriting and trading tax-exempt debt.

*The Federal Reserve raised key U.S. interest rates a quarter-percentage point on Thursday for a ninth straight time and gave no sign a year-long campaign of increases was nearing an end.

*The government announced an 11-nation crackdown Thursday on Internet piracy organizations responsible for stealing copies of the latest Star Wars film and other movies, games and software programs worth at least $50 million.

*Bank of America Corp. on Thursday said it will acquire MBNA Corp. in a $35 billion cash and stock deal that will result in 6,000 jobs cuts but transform the nation's third-largest bank into one of the world's largest credit card issuers.

*Spain became the third country to legalize gay marriage Thursday in a parliament vote that left gay activists blowing kisses to lawmakers and the powerful Catholic Church issuing veiled calls for defiance.

*Facing growing embarrassment and louder questions, the Italian government broke a week of silence today and denied that it played any role in kidnapping a terror suspect from Milan and flying him to Egypt in 2003. An Italian official also said that the American ambassador to Italy would be summoned to Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's office, a week after an Italian judge ordered the arrest of 13 Central Intelligence Agency officers and operatives suspected of carrying out the kidnapping.

*A Muslim extremist who spent nearly three years imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay was acquitted Wednesday of all terrorism-related charges by a court in Kuwait.
Nasser al-Mutairi, who was released in January only to face trial at home, was acquitted of joining foreign military forces without permission, harming Kuwait by serving the interest of a "foreign country" and undergoing illegal weapons training. The charges do not name any particular country or force.

*President Bush said in a Danish TV interview aired Thursday that adhering to the Kyoto treaty on climate change would have "wrecked" the U.S. economy, and he called U.S. dependence on Gulf oil a "national security problem." "I couldn't in good faith have signed Kyoto," Bush told the Danish Broadcasting Corp., noting that the treaty did not include other nations - including India and China - that he called "big polluters."

*Lawmakers are trying to blunt a Supreme Court decision that says local governments can seize people's homes to make way for shopping malls and other private development.

*The U.S. House of Representatives approved a provision on Thursday designed to bar government agencies for one year from hiring journalists and public-relations firms to secretly tout policies as news. Lawmakers agreed by voice vote to toughen the law on government publicity and propaganda after the Bush administration came under fire for paying media commentators like Armstrong Williams, who spoke out repeatedly in favor of the president's education policies.

*CAFTA PASSES: The Senate approved the Central American Free Trade Agreement by a 54-45 vote after intense lobbying from the Bush administration. The agreement would ease trade restrictions between the U.S. and six Latin American countries. CAFTA means higher corporate profits and more American jobs leaving the country. And that's the way we like it.

*Minnesota's government shut down for the first time in state history Friday, forcing as many as 9,000 layoffs and closing highway rest stops over the July Fourth weekend.