Sunday, June 26, 2005

Yadda yadda yadda.

Top Story: A middle school in Portland was vandalized. a 31-year-old guy was caught in the process. He's from out of the area. Millions of people in the Portland area, the largest metro area in the entire state of Oregon and this is the top story? If any of these people put "journalist" on their tax form in the "occupation" space, they should be arrested for lying on a federal form.

Next, there was a "shooting spree" on Stark St. Locals were shocked. Don't the KPTV "news" people ever get tired of soliciting almost the exact same responses to crime from people on the street day after day, story after story?

A knife fight in Salem resulted in 2 people being arrested. Many were said to have been involved.

A burglar was arrested in Hillsboro but only after said burglar jumped through a window.

Will there be a statewide sex offender database? The legislature will vote on this on Monday. If the bill passes, the database will be operational in July 2006.

Meth Watch: Cowlitz County is considering a special sales tax to fight meth. Anyone want to bet me that it does absolutely squat to curb meth use?

Speaking of Cowlitz County, we heard again about the plane that crashed there the other day.

Speaking of plane crashes, one went down in Madras, Oregon. Yesterday. Hey, KPTV, if you're going to do tabloid "news" (and it appears no force on Earth can stop you), can't you at least get the blood 'n' guts stories on the air the same day they happen?? Sleazy and lazy is no way to go through life.

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Nicole Sanchez" brought us a story about a shooting death in King County, Washington.

*A caiman, a really really big lizard, was caught in Eugene.

Yes, those really are the stories KPTV thought were the most important in the entire Northwest! A big lizard is loose in Eugene! Stop the presses!

Break.

News Across America

*2 of the suspects in the Natalee Holloway missing person case were released. Uh, since this happened in Aruba, how does this qualify as "News Across America?" Yeah, yeah, I know Natalee Holloway is American. The "news," however, didn't happen in America. Just saying.

*Swimmers are back in the water after the shark attack on Saturday in Florida.

*Again, we heard about the runaway car in Detroit from Saturday. Same video of the same guy talking about the car hitting the little girl across the street from where it had been getting worked on. What did I say about "sleazy and lazy?"

*A house collapsed in Atlanta.

*A plane went down into Lake Huron. There were no injuries.

*It seems to be National Small Planes Going Down Month or something; a small plane made an emergency landing on a highway in West Virginia.

World Tonight

*Tons of drugs were destroyed in Afghanistan. I'm sure that will stop drug use in this country right in its tracks. 'Cause, you know, there's no way they can make more drugs! My prediction: if this has any effect at all, it will be to drive up the price of illegal drugs, causing more crime as a result. Supply and demand, folks.

*Some gorillas were named in Rwanda. This is intended to become an annual event to encourage tourism. I know there's nothing that would make me want to visit a horribly impoverished area like a gorilla naming ceremony. Book me a suite in the Hotel Rwanda, stat!

Anchor Shauna Parsons said that these were the same gorillas seen in the movie "Gorillas In The Mist." Um, I don't think so. The movie was released in 1988 and the gorillas in the "news" story looked pretty young. Maybe they just watch their diets or had some "work" done. I suspect what Shauna meant was that they were the same type of gorilla as in the movie. Eh, details.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*2 attacks in Iraq have resulted in dozens of deaths. This story, of course, got about 30-45 seconds of airtime.

*It has been reported that the U.S. is negotiating with some of the insurgents in Iraq. This is in direct contradiction to what the administration has said in the past: that it would never negotiate with them. Does that qualify as a "flip flop?"

War On Terror

*We got another story about members of Congress visiting Gitmo and finding that conditions have improved. I said it yesterday, but I'll repeat it: I thought things there were just dandy, so what could have "improved?" Did they come up with a new glaze for the orange chicken?

Am I the only one who thinks that, just maybe, when the visit from the "home office" was announced, the people who run Gitmo straightened up a bit? Is it cynical to suggest that, again just maybe, the visit was done the way it was for precisely that reason, so that Rush Limbaugh and others on the right in the media could proclaim that everything is just dandy in Gitmo?

Break.

*Billy Graham, evangelist and documented anti-Semite (he and Nixon were Caught On Tape, as KPTV likes to say, dissing the Chosen People in the 70's), held what may be his last crusade in New York's Flushing Meadow Park, the site of the 1964-1965 World's Fair. Mr. Holier Than Thou is 86. "KPTV's Rebecca Gomez" brought us this story.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

Hey, no countdown clock again! Clock or no clock--make up your mind, KPTV!

*Miami is instituting a new law concerning sex offenders. They won't be allowed to live near a school. 40 other cities in Florida are considering similar laws. A lawyer made the point that such a law would make it difficult for people who have paid their debt to society to find anyplace to live, not that that will sway anyone's opinion, of course. We can't let logic and reason infect the legislative process! Sheesh. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Orlando Salinas."

*Los Angeles is planning to put locator bracelets on all its prisoners. They will let prison officials know where an inmate is and who he or she is near.

Fire Season 2005: Gunlock, Utah--yes, Gunlock, Utah--is in danger from wildfires.

Hollywood Buzz

*Ventriloquist Paul Winchell, creator of the Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff dummies and the inventor of an artificial heart (among other accomplishments) has died at age 82. His daughter April has a poignant statement about his death on her blog, aprilwinchell.com .

*Actor George Clooney was honored by someone for something.

*Director George A. Romero has a new movie, Land of the Dead, out. For some reason, KPTV thought this reason enough to do a long story about the movie and his career. It's not even a Fox movie. I've noted in the past that the longest story on any given KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show i susually about something which has absolutely no impact on the average viewer's life. Guess what. This story was longer than just about anything else on the show tonight. Seriously, how can you blow off the damn WAR in 45 seconds and spend three or four minutes on a zombie movie??

Oh, by the way, they hyped this story by talking about the "big bucks" Land of the Dead is raking in. In the actual "news" cast, however, they said that LOOD was the Number Five movie over the weekend (not exactly "big bucks" in Hollywood terms). Later, on the radio news, I heard that it was SEVENTH. One or both of those statistics has to be wrong. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Anita Vogel."

*The annual "Good in the Neighborhood" festival was held in Northeast Portland. This is apparently a celebration of diversity.

*Speaking of "long and irrelevant to the average viewer's life," the last piece (other than the sports and the top of the hour recap) was a several minute-long infomercial for an indoor BMX track in Milwaukie. I have nothing against the existance of this track; in fact, I think it's good to provide safe places for kids to play and compete. I just object to the length of time devoted to fluff like this when things which are really important--like the war--get blown off in less than a minute.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*America is back in the business of making plutonium. We haven't done that since the end of the Cold War. Plutonium is used in the manufacture of nuclear bombs. Make of that what you will.

*Since religious fanatic Attorney General John Ashcroft has returned to private life, the blue curtain has been removed from in front of the bare-breasted statue of Justice in D.C.

*Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said on Sunday that the U.S. could be stuck in Iraq for as long as another 15 years. Remember when the administration said that the war would last "weeks, not months?" Ah, those were the days, huh?