Tuesday, July 5, 2005

As usual, I took Monday night off so I could watch something more reality-oriented than KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show: wrestling. I'm back. Did you miss me?

Top Story: Meth Watch. Oops, wait, here's that stupid fake "Breaking News" gimmick again. The Southeast Portland home of a 77 year-old man was the scene of a "home invasion" (a vastly more frightening term than the old "burglary"). A reporter is allegedly on the way to the scene.

Back to the Top Story. A meth lab was busted in Newburg. The alleged proprietor was busted for operating one back in March. He was released and apparently set up shop again.

There was a double murder in a campground in Oakridge over the weekend. The cops are looking for a vehicle with the license plate CL 47763. Happy hunting.

Chris Coffman, the step-grandmother of Matal, the murdered 4 year-old, appeared in court on Tuesday. She was formally charged with the crime.

David Cooper, father and husband, drowned in the Willamette River in Salem. He jumped into the river to keep his boat from drifting away. He didn't have his life vest on and wasn't a strong swimmer. The KPTV newsghouls put his young daughter on camera to display her grief for the entertainment of their audience. Creepy bastards.

Octogenarian and alleged rapist Louis Nemnich is supposedly "coming back" to Oregon. I put it in quotes because Shauna Parsons said it could take weeks for him to actually get back to Oregon depending on the number of convicts who need transportation. So, in other words, this story amounted to exactly nothing.

A pedestrian was killed by a Volkswagen bus.

Holiday traffic was "less deadly" this year AND the number of arrests for drunk driving was well below last year's total. Kind of takes the edge off that "Most Dangerous Days To Be On The Road" story KPTV did over the weekend, huh?

Fireworks were the cause of a house fire in Southeast Portland.

If you're reading this, it's now illegal to set off fireworks in Vancouver, Washington. It was legal until Tuesday night at 11 PM.

There was a big mill fire in Sutherlin, Oregon. So much water was needed to put it out that the public has been asked to curtail their use of H2O.

The sting operation over the weekend to catch people buying alcohol for kids under the age of 21 ended with 11 arrests.

Break.

"Disturbing Details" about the brother and sister who were abducted in Idaho. The girl has told police that she was repeatedly molested by her abductor. Because of that, "reporter" David Freitas told us that KPTV will no longer identify the kids. Seconds later, a picture of the boy (who is still missing and presumed dead) appeared on the screen with his name, "Dylan Groene" next to it. Even if they hadn't immediately contradicted their own promise not to identify the kids, isn't it a little late for that, since KPTV and every other news outlet which has carried the story has printed and said their names multiple times? Oh, by the way, we learned that the asshole who apparently kidnapped and molested the two kids has a blog titled "Blogging the Fifth Nail" (no, I don't get the reference either) on which he talks about hating the world and his criminal past.

The Oregon legislature is considering two bills which would track released sex offenders and attempt to control where they live. Jim Hyde brought up the problem represented by the fact that they have to live somewhere although no one wants them to live in their neighborhood. One of the bills would restrict them from living closer than three miles from their victims. That still seems a little close for comfort to me, but I think the principle behind it is OK.

Early Dangers Of Meth. Turns out that cops used to handle the ingredients of meth creation with their bare hands before it was generally known that the stuff is dangerous. As a result, some retired cops are claiming health problems. There will be more about this on tomorrow's "news" show.

A driver was charged in a deadly hit and run from the other day.

A horse stuck in a stream down in a gulley was freed.

Breaking News. Same story as before, still no reporter on the scene.

Break.

Kids Left In Cars. Everybody knows that it's a REAL bad idea to leave kids and pets in a car on a day when the temperature is over 90. Turns out that it isn't a real good idea to leave your tax deductions and pets in your car when the temp is only in the 70's. The interior of a car on a 70-degree day can reach 115. We got to see a mother who "forgot" that her infant was in her car and left him/her there for 40 minutes. Uh, care to explain that little lapse of memory, Mom?

Toyota, responding to demand, is going to double its production of hybrid cars next year.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*A new website allows you to track all the casualties in the Iraq war. You can even tell which country the soldier was from (although the "Coalition of the Willing" has shrunk drastically lately). I was shocked to see a story about something that has the potential of putting the war into perspective. KPTV directed us to go to their website to get the address of the project. I'll save you the trip: it's at http://www.obleek.com/Iraq/index.html

Toxic Tableware. This, apparently, is the newest thing for us to panic over. There will be more Wednesday morning on Good Day, Oregon. Enjoy your irrational fear, people.

A student at a local beauty school has developed meningitis. The school notified the students who happened to be there on Saturday but didn't immediately tell their other students, pissing some of the latter off. We saw the shadow of the annoyed mother of one of the uninformed students. Why she felt the need to be obscured I have no idea.

Before KPTV went to the weather, we were told there was a second Breaking News story developing. Oh joy! Weather. Break.

Final Cut (with the now regularly-included News Across America)

*There was a fireworks mishap in Florida.

*There was a fireworks mishap in Missouri.

*The cops were called to O.J. Simpson's house because of an argument he was having with his ex-girlfriend. No charges were filed. The miserable bastard had the nerve to act smug on camera. If there's a Hell, there's a special seat next to the furnace for Mr. Simpson.

*An SUV went into a pool in Oakley, Ohio. No injuries.

*A gorilla attacked a zoo worker in Chicago.

*Yay, the I-Team is back ("Team" being rather loosely used, as it seems to consist entirely of Kerri Tomlinson). A guy who ran an escort service in Portland was busted and charged with 43 counts of promoting prostitution. The Multnomah County sheriff's office doesn't have the budget it used to have so it is not prosecuting every case that crosses its desk. As a result, this guy may walk. The "I" in "I-Team" stands for "investigation," right? I'm not seeing a lot of gumshoe stuff in this story.

Breaking News (again): Jamie Wilson is now on the scene of the "home invasion" in Milwaukie. We were told that the old guy victim was tied up. Two little girls who were playing outside the house saw a car fleeing the scene and thought something might be up so they drew pictures of the car with their crayons, giving the cops something to work with.

In the second Breaking News story, Debra Gill told us that there was a meth bust in a Southeast Portland apartment building. We could see cops behind her wearing hazmat suits.

*Is diet soda an obesity risk? Some study found that some people who drank diet soda exclusively gained more weight than some other people who drank regular soda. We were told that this *might* mean that the diet soda drinkers ate more, meaning that the study, and therefore this "news" story, are essentially pointless.

*Why this next story didn't qualify as an "I-Team" investigation, I have no idea. Jamie Wilson went to stores in Tualatin with a hidden camera and other people's credit cards to see if store employees actually bother to check the name on the back of the card. Nope. She managed to buy stuff with Other People's Credit (as the segment was called) in Borders Books, Ann Taylor Loft, Fred Meyer, A Shell gas station and McDonalds. The Apple Store, however, refused to let her buy an iPod Shuffle with her husband's card. Hey, you gotta be l337 to buy one of those! This was one of the longest stories on the entire show, although it wasn't quite as pointless as the average show's longest story.

I looked away and didn't catch how much time was left on the pointless Countdown Clock when the Final Cut ended, sorry.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Vice Adm. James B. Stockdale, a highly decorated Navy pilot who inspired fellow prisoners of war in North Vietnam and later ran for vice president as H. Ross Perot's running mate in 1992, died on Tuesday in Coronado, Calif. He was 81. He had an extraordinary life and was an authentic American hero, but he was never attacked by monkeys or dated Tom Cruise, so naturally, KPTV didn't bother to mention his passing.

*Since KPTV's Short Attention Span Theater now has a couple of Idaho kids to obsess over, Natalee Holloway seems to have become last week's news. Sorry, Natalee, we have younger, cuter abductees to talk about. Here's a blog entry that puts things into perspective, I thought:
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/7/3/491/18474

*Remember a while back when some people said that they worried about the Bush administration wanting to transform America into a police state? Remember how folks like Rush Limbaugh et al said that that was ridiculous paranoia? Check this out:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/05/AR2005070501669_pf.html
Don't hold your breath for it to ever be reported on KPTV.

*Still not a single word about the accusations that Karl Rove, the president's closest advisor, was the leaker of the identity of Valerie Plame, a CIA operative.

*The Chinese company which wants to buy the American oil company Unocal, has said that Congress should not stand in its way. Eh, who cares about boring stuff like the economic future of America when there's video footage of a horse stuck in a stream available? If this sale is allowed to go through, any guesses as to which direction gas prices will head? Hey, that'll make a cool Pump Patrol segment, huh?