Friday, July 1, 2005
Good thing there's nothing important going on in the world right now. That way KPTV can pretend that the crap it puts on the air is "news." Let's push on...
Top Story. Take three guesses and know that any of them that don't involve a missing child don't count. Yes, Matal is still missing. Hey, wait! Weren't they spelling his name "Matel" for the past two days. Sure were. I don't know if all the other "news" shows were making the same mistake, though. Anyway, the little boy is still missing and the plot is starting to thicken. Remember his step-grandma's car that the police seized yesterday? Well, now we're getting told that perhaps it wasn't such a "routine" thing after all.
Seems Grandma has an interesting past. She was the president of a local community garden but resigned over charges of embezzlement. Oh, the cops were apparently digging up Grannie's section of that garden. The implication being, of course, that Grannie *might* have something to do with Matal's disappearance.
Next, Jamie Wilson was in Milwaukie, where a vigil for the missing boy was held hours ago, rendering her being there utterly meaningless. Since the story was about a candlelight vigil, guess what Jamie used as her prop. Do I even need to tell you?
Divers found the body of a missing boy in the water in Washington state.
Remember the girl who was beaten as her abusers videotaped the incident? Some of her creepy little peers have been arrested in connection with the beating. We got to see a few of their friends defend their alleged beating of the girl. Nice bunch of kids! David Freitas was the "reporter" on this story. Wait, I'm confused. The other day I made a reference to him as "Frietas" because that's how they had it spelled on the screen. I thought I had been mistaken all along. It appears the correct spelling is "Freitas," as typing "Frietas" into the search box on kptv.com gets you nothing. Hey, KPTV, pick a spelling and stick with it, willya?
Jeffrey Widener and James Cook are former sex offenders who are now out of jail. They aren't in trouble for anything at the moment; the cops just wanted you to know that they are out. No chance that this will mess up their attempt to find a job or place to live. Nope, not at all.
There was an officer-involved shooting in Keizer, a suburb of Salem.
Tyrone Austin allegedly committed a carjacking at a gas station in McMinnville. The fact that this happened back on Monday didn't deter KPTV from calling it "news" tonight. His brother Steve--yes, Steve Austin--was arrested by the cops, then released. We got tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story.
Break.
Salmonella has been found in the cake batter-flavored ice cream in some Cold Stone Creamery ice cream stores. Hey, wait! First we had Steve Austin, now we get "Cold Stone," which is "Stone Cold" as in "Stone Cold Steve Austin" backwards. I'm starting to wonder if the KPTV "news" has hidden messages like the DaVinci Code or something.
A memorial service was held for the pilot who died in the plane crash in Yamhill the other day.
A woman and her daughter were in their car when it crashed into a Burger King, allowing Shauna Parsons to make a joke about the driver "making her own drive-through."
A sting operation used underage scouts to ask adults if they would buy liquor for the kids. Some did and they got arrested for their trouble. Bad adults, bad.
Oregon is going to test selling liquor in some supermarkets. Assuming ID's are checked, what is the difference where the stuff is sold?
Remember how the sheriff in Clackamas County was going to release some inmates because he doesn't have the money to hold them in jail? Well, the locals don't like that so he's been ordered to keep them in the hoosgow. Exactly where the money to do this is going to come from is undetermined. You can't have it both ways, people--if you vote against tax increases routinely, something's going to be cut.
War On Terror
*We saw a photo of the Oregon soldier who died in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan the other day. We also got an explanation of the discrepancy in the number of soldiers on the copter from one day to the next: one of the soldiers who was supposed to be on the chopper missed the flight. Think he's going to have survivor's guilt much?
*Multnomah County is going to be part of the Joint Terrorism Task Force...or something. I was distracted by the scanner in the room going off continuously because of tourists visiting the coast who get themselves into trouble with the cops. Stupid flatlanders!
Fight For Iraq
*A memorial service was held for the first female soldier from Oregon to die in Iraq. According to KPTV, that's all that happened of note in the friggin' war in the past 24 hours. As if!
Northwest Tonight
*A plane went down in the water north of Seattle. 1 person is dead as a result.
*A teen was arrested in connection with a murder in Umatilla, Oregon.
*A dog in Washington state had 12 puppies! Jeez, they didn't lead with this???
*The Vancouver Rodeo is on. We got to see "Lumpy," the 11-year-old rodeo clown. He was adorable, in a sort of John Wayne Gacy, Jr. kind of way.
Break.
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has announced her retirement. I was shocked to see KPTV ask local people for their opinion on this, as they don't normally seem to assume that their viewers would have an opinion on something that doesn't involve identity theft or a cat up a tree.
Los Angeles swore in its new mayor on Friday. He's the first Hispanic mayor in Los Angeles in a century.
Break.
Pump Patrol. Gas in Portland is $2.25/gallon, up a penny from Thursday.
Next we got a story about how rising gas prices were forcing airlines to increase their ticket prices a lot. This would seem to contradict the story KPTV did the other day that said that airlines would only need to raise prices by 3%. I guess we're not supposed to actually pay attention to what they say from day to day. Anyway, an economist told us that he expects some airlines to declare bankruptcy or merge with other airlines this year. Wonderful.
July is one of the most dangerous months on the road. Four days in July are particularly dangerous. Want to know WHICH four days? KPTV will tell you on Sunday night. OK, I'm going to assume that means that this weekend does not contain any of the four days or the story will be REALLY pointless! Oh, don't drink and drive, by the way.
Fire Season 2005
*Wilson County is burning.
*Wildfires are still going in Arizona.
Weather. Break.
Final Cut (no News Across America tonight, apparently)
*We got a days-old story about some jerk who accidentally swallowed his friend's house key. They had to take the X-ray of the key in his stomach to a locksmith to get a duplicate made. Seriously. I know this story is old because I read it to my wife from the computer back on Monday or Tuesday.
*The state government in Minnesota is shut down in a budget dispute. This story, too, is days old. "KPTV, your Number One source for news from four days ago."
*A bus turned over in California.
*Funny Chyron: "Immigrant Car Wreck." A van went belly-up in El Cajon, California, killing 5 and wounding several others.
*A funnel cloud was Caught On Tape off the coast in Miami, Florida.
*An old industrial complex was imploded in Orem, Utah. It didn't fall as planned on the first try so they had to add more dynamite and try again.
*An 80-year-old man with one leg went parachute jumping for the first time. 80 years old and one leg? When you think about it, what was he really risking?
*A Little League team in Ohio is so good that some of the other teams stopped showing up for their games. Then the team was kicked out of the league. There's a message to send to the kids: If you get too good, we'll punish you. My advice for the kids: consider civil service work.
*Although they said they've made arrests in the Natalee Holloway case, the cops in Aruba now say they haven't, although they expect to in the near future. Got that?
*Next, we got a recap of the situation in the missing boy's case. Jamie Wilson was still out there at the now-abandoned site of the candlelight vigil. She was still holding that prop candle. We finally got the expected "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.
*Tomorrow, we'll find out how people are subject to theft of their 401K's. Not tonight, tomorrow.
*Speaking of crap that's promoted a day ahead, here's that story about kids going to etiquette classes. Seriously, KPTV thought that promoting this last night would make people feel like they just had to watch the "news" tonight? As I expected, this was about some nonsense that rich people subject their kids to. I mean, did you really think that middle- or lower-class people had the money to waste on shit like this? Typical for the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show, this complete waste of airtime was just about the longest story on the show. 30 seconds on the damn war, 3.5 minutes on etiquette classes for pre-teens. And you wonder why people say they hold the media in low esteem?
Hollywood Buzz
*Singer Luthur Vandross died from complications of a heart condition he's had for a few years. He was 54.
*The Live 8 concerts will take place in 9 cities around the world this weekend. Bono told us that people were starving in Africa. I had no idea. Why would I, I watch the KPTV "news" show.
Final Cut ended with 17 seconds left on the Countdown Clock. Is that good or bad? I can't decide.
WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):
*Congressman Randy Cunningham’s home was raided by the FBI. He's accused of selling his influence to a company which suddenly got contracts with the military. Oh, it's a good juicy story. Since it involves one of those boring guys in Congress, you wouldn't expect KPTV to bother to tell you about it. Do yourself a favor and find a REAL news source and read up on it. Try americablog.blogspot.com or dailykos.com.
*A probe sent up by NASA will deliberately impact a comet on the evening of July 4. This has never been attempted before so of course KPTV has chosen to ignore it.
*Time magazine has caved in to the government by agreeing to turn over a reporter's notes in the story about who revealed that Valerie Plame was a CIA operative. Since this story is about boring stuff like First Amendment rights and not missing blondes or animals in distress, don't hold your breath for it to turn up on KPTV.
*The Senate voted 54 to 45 in favor of the CAFTA free trade pact with six Latin American countries. KPTV thinks its viewers are too stupid to understand something like this.
*Bank of America is buying MBNA, a large issuer of credit cards. If only monkeys were involved somehow, perhaps KPTV's "news" show would report on this.
Top Story. Take three guesses and know that any of them that don't involve a missing child don't count. Yes, Matal is still missing. Hey, wait! Weren't they spelling his name "Matel" for the past two days. Sure were. I don't know if all the other "news" shows were making the same mistake, though. Anyway, the little boy is still missing and the plot is starting to thicken. Remember his step-grandma's car that the police seized yesterday? Well, now we're getting told that perhaps it wasn't such a "routine" thing after all.
Seems Grandma has an interesting past. She was the president of a local community garden but resigned over charges of embezzlement. Oh, the cops were apparently digging up Grannie's section of that garden. The implication being, of course, that Grannie *might* have something to do with Matal's disappearance.
Next, Jamie Wilson was in Milwaukie, where a vigil for the missing boy was held hours ago, rendering her being there utterly meaningless. Since the story was about a candlelight vigil, guess what Jamie used as her prop. Do I even need to tell you?
Divers found the body of a missing boy in the water in Washington state.
Remember the girl who was beaten as her abusers videotaped the incident? Some of her creepy little peers have been arrested in connection with the beating. We got to see a few of their friends defend their alleged beating of the girl. Nice bunch of kids! David Freitas was the "reporter" on this story. Wait, I'm confused. The other day I made a reference to him as "Frietas" because that's how they had it spelled on the screen. I thought I had been mistaken all along. It appears the correct spelling is "Freitas," as typing "Frietas" into the search box on kptv.com gets you nothing. Hey, KPTV, pick a spelling and stick with it, willya?
Jeffrey Widener and James Cook are former sex offenders who are now out of jail. They aren't in trouble for anything at the moment; the cops just wanted you to know that they are out. No chance that this will mess up their attempt to find a job or place to live. Nope, not at all.
There was an officer-involved shooting in Keizer, a suburb of Salem.
Tyrone Austin allegedly committed a carjacking at a gas station in McMinnville. The fact that this happened back on Monday didn't deter KPTV from calling it "news" tonight. His brother Steve--yes, Steve Austin--was arrested by the cops, then released. We got tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story.
Break.
Salmonella has been found in the cake batter-flavored ice cream in some Cold Stone Creamery ice cream stores. Hey, wait! First we had Steve Austin, now we get "Cold Stone," which is "Stone Cold" as in "Stone Cold Steve Austin" backwards. I'm starting to wonder if the KPTV "news" has hidden messages like the DaVinci Code or something.
A memorial service was held for the pilot who died in the plane crash in Yamhill the other day.
A woman and her daughter were in their car when it crashed into a Burger King, allowing Shauna Parsons to make a joke about the driver "making her own drive-through."
A sting operation used underage scouts to ask adults if they would buy liquor for the kids. Some did and they got arrested for their trouble. Bad adults, bad.
Oregon is going to test selling liquor in some supermarkets. Assuming ID's are checked, what is the difference where the stuff is sold?
Remember how the sheriff in Clackamas County was going to release some inmates because he doesn't have the money to hold them in jail? Well, the locals don't like that so he's been ordered to keep them in the hoosgow. Exactly where the money to do this is going to come from is undetermined. You can't have it both ways, people--if you vote against tax increases routinely, something's going to be cut.
War On Terror
*We saw a photo of the Oregon soldier who died in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan the other day. We also got an explanation of the discrepancy in the number of soldiers on the copter from one day to the next: one of the soldiers who was supposed to be on the chopper missed the flight. Think he's going to have survivor's guilt much?
*Multnomah County is going to be part of the Joint Terrorism Task Force...or something. I was distracted by the scanner in the room going off continuously because of tourists visiting the coast who get themselves into trouble with the cops. Stupid flatlanders!
Fight For Iraq
*A memorial service was held for the first female soldier from Oregon to die in Iraq. According to KPTV, that's all that happened of note in the friggin' war in the past 24 hours. As if!
Northwest Tonight
*A plane went down in the water north of Seattle. 1 person is dead as a result.
*A teen was arrested in connection with a murder in Umatilla, Oregon.
*A dog in Washington state had 12 puppies! Jeez, they didn't lead with this???
*The Vancouver Rodeo is on. We got to see "Lumpy," the 11-year-old rodeo clown. He was adorable, in a sort of John Wayne Gacy, Jr. kind of way.
Break.
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has announced her retirement. I was shocked to see KPTV ask local people for their opinion on this, as they don't normally seem to assume that their viewers would have an opinion on something that doesn't involve identity theft or a cat up a tree.
Los Angeles swore in its new mayor on Friday. He's the first Hispanic mayor in Los Angeles in a century.
Break.
Pump Patrol. Gas in Portland is $2.25/gallon, up a penny from Thursday.
Next we got a story about how rising gas prices were forcing airlines to increase their ticket prices a lot. This would seem to contradict the story KPTV did the other day that said that airlines would only need to raise prices by 3%. I guess we're not supposed to actually pay attention to what they say from day to day. Anyway, an economist told us that he expects some airlines to declare bankruptcy or merge with other airlines this year. Wonderful.
July is one of the most dangerous months on the road. Four days in July are particularly dangerous. Want to know WHICH four days? KPTV will tell you on Sunday night. OK, I'm going to assume that means that this weekend does not contain any of the four days or the story will be REALLY pointless! Oh, don't drink and drive, by the way.
Fire Season 2005
*Wilson County is burning.
*Wildfires are still going in Arizona.
Weather. Break.
Final Cut (no News Across America tonight, apparently)
*We got a days-old story about some jerk who accidentally swallowed his friend's house key. They had to take the X-ray of the key in his stomach to a locksmith to get a duplicate made. Seriously. I know this story is old because I read it to my wife from the computer back on Monday or Tuesday.
*The state government in Minnesota is shut down in a budget dispute. This story, too, is days old. "KPTV, your Number One source for news from four days ago."
*A bus turned over in California.
*Funny Chyron: "Immigrant Car Wreck." A van went belly-up in El Cajon, California, killing 5 and wounding several others.
*A funnel cloud was Caught On Tape off the coast in Miami, Florida.
*An old industrial complex was imploded in Orem, Utah. It didn't fall as planned on the first try so they had to add more dynamite and try again.
*An 80-year-old man with one leg went parachute jumping for the first time. 80 years old and one leg? When you think about it, what was he really risking?
*A Little League team in Ohio is so good that some of the other teams stopped showing up for their games. Then the team was kicked out of the league. There's a message to send to the kids: If you get too good, we'll punish you. My advice for the kids: consider civil service work.
*Although they said they've made arrests in the Natalee Holloway case, the cops in Aruba now say they haven't, although they expect to in the near future. Got that?
*Next, we got a recap of the situation in the missing boy's case. Jamie Wilson was still out there at the now-abandoned site of the candlelight vigil. She was still holding that prop candle. We finally got the expected "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.
*Tomorrow, we'll find out how people are subject to theft of their 401K's. Not tonight, tomorrow.
*Speaking of crap that's promoted a day ahead, here's that story about kids going to etiquette classes. Seriously, KPTV thought that promoting this last night would make people feel like they just had to watch the "news" tonight? As I expected, this was about some nonsense that rich people subject their kids to. I mean, did you really think that middle- or lower-class people had the money to waste on shit like this? Typical for the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show, this complete waste of airtime was just about the longest story on the show. 30 seconds on the damn war, 3.5 minutes on etiquette classes for pre-teens. And you wonder why people say they hold the media in low esteem?
Hollywood Buzz
*Singer Luthur Vandross died from complications of a heart condition he's had for a few years. He was 54.
*The Live 8 concerts will take place in 9 cities around the world this weekend. Bono told us that people were starving in Africa. I had no idea. Why would I, I watch the KPTV "news" show.
Final Cut ended with 17 seconds left on the Countdown Clock. Is that good or bad? I can't decide.
WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):
*Congressman Randy Cunningham’s home was raided by the FBI. He's accused of selling his influence to a company which suddenly got contracts with the military. Oh, it's a good juicy story. Since it involves one of those boring guys in Congress, you wouldn't expect KPTV to bother to tell you about it. Do yourself a favor and find a REAL news source and read up on it. Try americablog.blogspot.com or dailykos.com.
*A probe sent up by NASA will deliberately impact a comet on the evening of July 4. This has never been attempted before so of course KPTV has chosen to ignore it.
*Time magazine has caved in to the government by agreeing to turn over a reporter's notes in the story about who revealed that Valerie Plame was a CIA operative. Since this story is about boring stuff like First Amendment rights and not missing blondes or animals in distress, don't hold your breath for it to turn up on KPTV.
*The Senate voted 54 to 45 in favor of the CAFTA free trade pact with six Latin American countries. KPTV thinks its viewers are too stupid to understand something like this.
*Bank of America is buying MBNA, a large issuer of credit cards. If only monkeys were involved somehow, perhaps KPTV's "news" show would report on this.
posted by KPTV-Watch @ 3:24 AM
0 comments
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home