Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The KPTV tiny clown car pulled up and out jumped some "reporters." We blog, you decide.
Top Story: Wait, it's time for the never-gets-old "Breaking News" gag. A 4 year-old boy went missing at about 3 PM today which on KPTV qualifies the story as "Breaking News." The cops were on the scene, as you would expect, looking for little Matel Sanchez. This story gave us tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.
Back to the Top Story: Attempted Luring. Sounds like a Sharon Stone movie title, doesn't it? Rather than a peek at Sharon's hoo ha, we got to see the shadow of a woman (I guess she didn't want to go on camera) opining on how "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" in reference to the alleged attempt to lure a Hillsboro child into a red truck with 4 doors.
A teenage girl was attacked in Milwaukie (the one in Oregon, not the oft-misspelled-on-KPTV Milwaukee in Wisconsin) while some other kids videotaped the assault. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem, well, bright, to deliberately produce the evidence against yourself. Maybe they were auditioning for America's Most Self-incriminating Home Videos.
A female cyclist was killed in Portland. Police are looking for anyone with information about the driver who hit her.
2 people were shot in downtown Portland on Sunday. There's a $1000 reward for information about the incident. Hmm, shot on Sunday, reported on Wednesday. By KPTV's standards, doesn't that count as "Breaking News?"
Some douchebags with spray paint have been putting graffiti on the government buildings in Corvallis.
Some folks thought it would be a good idea to take a car for a test drive, make the salesman get out and drive off in the car. A cop was nearby and witnessed the incident. Suddenly, it wasn't such a good idea. Car thieves go bye-bye.
A woman who wears weird-looking glasses (going by her mug shot) took the police on a high-speed (over 100 MPH) chase.
Break.
There was a spill of diesel fuel in Oregon City, resulting in over $100,000 in improvements (sorry, old joke).
Since it seems to be Hydrocarbon Spill Night, there was also a propane leak near Dallas, Oregon.
A "Norwalk-like virus" has been detected in a summer camp (didn't catch where, sorry).
A pedestrian was killed near Milwaukie, Oregon, not Milwaukee, Wisconsin. (If I keep saying it, KPTV might eventually figure out the difference between how the names of the two towns are spelled.)
An assault on a Tri-Met platform is being investigated by the police.
A court date is upcoming for an alleged flasher in Tigard. He has been arrested for this sort of offense before.
Remember the story about the deadly fire in Beaverton from yesterday? In case you forgot, we got another story about it.
The fire department has determined that the fire in the Gresham lady's RV from yesterday was set. So, the voices in her head were right after all!
Meth Watch
*We were told about Angela Devine, an alleged "success story" in the War Against Meth. Angie is pregnant and decided somewhere along the way that she wanted her unborn child to have hands rather than flippers so she stopped using meth. She sacrificed being on Cops for the health of her child. You have to respect that.
Crime at Campgrounds. Say, here's a Fun Fact: Sometimes, people in campgrounds get robbed. Here's a tip: Stay alert. There will be more on Wake The Fuck Up, Oregon or whatever they call that breakfast show KPTV runs.
Lance Armstrong will be in Portland in September for a Livestrong Ride sponsored by Nike. It's an anti-cancer fundraising thing, as you probably guessed. Selfless employer of Third World children, Phil Knight, was shown, selflessly self-promoting. What a guy. He's the Bono of sneakers.
Break.
Fight For Iraq
*We saw a picture of the female soldier from Oregon who died in Iraq earlier this week.
*That helicopter crash I picked on KPTV for not reporting yesterday? They finally found some time inbetween the identity theft stories and the American Idol cross-promotions to report on it. The 17 soldiers onboard the copter are believed to be dead. Eh, no reason to rush that to air.
*Portland told the Feds to screw off by leaving the Joint Task Force on Terrorism. Um, didn't that happen like two months ago?
*The new design for the Freedom Tower, to replace the World Trade Center buildings, was unveiled on Wednesday. It looks like someone took one of the old towers, pulled on it and twisted it about 90 degrees. It's all high-techie and stuff AND it's going to be 1776 feet tall 'cause if it wasn't, the terrorists would win...or something. They hate us for our meaningless symbolism, you know.
Break.
Next, Shauna Parsons told us about Apple's new podcasting software, completely baffling an audience still struggling to master their TV remote controls.
Following up on that story, we then got to hear about the "Blackberry craze." Man, that KPTV "news" show is right on the cutting edge--if this is 2003. Up next: how to protect your computer from the Y2K bug.
In a charming piece of cross-promotion, we were told that Get Your Ass Out Of Bed and Go Apply For Unemployment, Oregon will have a story in the morning about pet-friendly travel.
The promos for the next story told us that it would give us some water rescue tips. Imagine my disappointment when it really didn't other than to say that we should wear a life vest. As if after a steady diet of KPTV "news" show fear mongering, I would ever leave the house without wearing water wings, a bullet-proof vest and a Boba Fett helmet!
Weather. Break.
Final Cut (incorporating News Across America)
*Shootout with the cops in Kansas City, Missouri was Caught On Camera.
*An escaped inmate in Chicago allegedly robbed a bank shortly after his breakout. Caught On Camera? You know it, Stud.
*The fire department was hampered in its attempt to douse a house fire because the owner threatened the fire fighters with a knife. This happened in Massachusetts.
*An expensive boat went up in flames in Maryland. How expensive? $380,000, that's how expensive.
*A truck drove into a business in Miami. Caught. On. Camera.
*There's beer all over the highway in Newton, Mass.
*Racist vandals went cuckoo with spray paint in Delaware.
*A Zamboni driver at an ice rink in New Jersey was drunk and drove erratically. This happened last Sunday. If it had been a drunk monkey driving the Zamboni, KPTV would have made room for it the same day. That kind of news sense is why they get the big bucks.
*Who says KPTV never covers the important stories? A young woman was using the pit toilet at a state park in Manchester, New Hampshire. She happened to look down and what to her wondering eyes should appear but the face of a man looking up at her. This freak was down in the you-know-what, wearing waders. The door to the pit was locked so the cops figure he climbed down through the toilet.
Uh oh, here's that Breaking News logo again! Jamie Wilson is in Milwaukie to tell us that the search for Matel Sanchez now involves a plane with night vision equipment.
*The manufacturer has recalled some body armor made of Zylon which has the bad habit of degrading if it gets wet (not a good trait for anything sold in Oregon). Some of the vests were tested at the police firing range in Sandy. The tested units held up.
*The feds have determined that Teflon contains a "likely" carcinogen. Nothing like taking a stand, huh? Personally, I like a little likely carcinogen with my over-easies.
*What do I keep telling you people about how the least important story in any given KPTV "news" cast is almost invariably the longest? Tonight's piece on do-it-yourself chemical peels didn't disappoint. What would possess a woman to put ACID on her own face? Isn't that what happened to the Joker from Batman?? WTF!!
Hollywood Buzz
*A recent poll (which I just made up this minute) has determined that a total of 6 people over the age of 40 know who Gwen Stefani is. Inspite of that, however, the looks-like-Madonna-circa-Like A Virgin singer is going on tour this Fall to support her new album and line of something-or-other.
*Pneumatic actress Jennifer Tilley won a celebrities-vs.-pros poker tournament to the tune of 150 large ones.
*Johnny Depp is pushing his new movie in which he plays Willy Wonka. In my humble opinion, if there ever was a movie that didn't need a remake, it's Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. That goes for King Kong, also. I understand Depp tried out for the title role in that one, too.
Final Cut ended with 2 seconds left on the Inexplicable Countdown Clock. That Wayne Garcia is more than just a pretty face, you know.
WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):
*Still nothing about Canada legalizing gay marriage on a national basis. Aren't we afraid of catching homophilia if the wind blows to the South?
*OK, let's put the jokes and sarcasm aside for a moment here. Isn't it pretty pathetic for a "news" show to not have a single word about the White House and Capitol being temporarily evacuated because of a small plane in the "no fly zone" over downtown D.C.? Not. One. Word.
*Republican Robin Hayes, Vice Chairman of the House subcommittee on Terrorism, said on TV that Saddam Hussein was directly linked to the 9/11 attacks. Even the President has admitted that there is no evidence for the notion that Hussein had anything to do with them. You might want to check your voice mail more often, Congressman Hayes. You're off message, Mister.
*OK, let's put the jokes and sarcasm aside for a moment here. Isn't it pretty pathetic for a "news" show to not have a single word about the White House and Capitol being temporarily evacuated because of a small plane in the "no fly zone" over downtown D.C.? Not. One. Word.
*Republican Robin Hayes, Vice Chairman of the House subcommittee on Terrorism, said on TV that Saddam Hussein was directly linked to the 9/11 attacks. Even the President has admitted that there is no evidence for the notion that Hussein had anything to do with them. You might want to check your voice mail more often, Congressman Hayes. You're off message, Mister.
posted by KPTV-Watch @ 3:54 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Here's a thought: Maybe you could start a campaign to write to the Attorney General, demanding that KPTV owners be prosecuted for false advertising.
There is no legitimate way to call what KPTV does at 10 a NEWS show. "Scary Stories," maybe. Or "Newsertainment" ..but a newscast? No fucking way.
If the term false advertising means anything at all, then I say that calling KPTV news is a serious offense againt the public and every REAL journalist in the entire world.
I think KPTV's news show has gotten a LITTLE better compared to say, a year ago.
Stories of "real" vampires and witches have at least given way to meth scare stories. So maybe it is headed in the right direction.
I agree with the previous poster that KPTV's show barely qualifies as "news" but at least it is better than it was, maybe?
Tabloid trash is easy whereas doing real news in an entertaining fashion is hard, so don't expect any big improvements any time soon, but maybe talking about all that they are missing will at least encourage KPTV to start including some real news in between the sensationalistic bullshit.
Ummmm... check your own facts before you blast KPTV for getting theirs wrong.
Canada has NOT legalized gay marriage nationwide.
The bill passed the House of Commons, now it goes to the Senate, and may become law sometime in July.
In addition to the items you mentioned that KPTV didn't talk about, how about these stories, all of which hit other news outlets by 5 pm yesterday:
President Bush granted the new national intelligence chief expanded power over the FBI on Wednesday and ordered dozens of other spy agency changes as the White House heeded a presidential commission that condemned the intelligence community for failures in Iraq and elsewhere.
The latest confirmed case of mad cow disease in the United States has been traced to a beef cow born in Texas 12 years ago and slaughtered last November at pet-food plant, Agriculture Department officials said Wednesday. Are our pets safe? Who knows!
"American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard has filed a complaint with the Birmingham police department accusing his ex-manager of identity theft and forgery. I suppose KPTV wouldn't want to do any story that might reflect negatively on the Fox network.
Britain, worried that deals on climate change and aid for Africa at next week's Group of Eight (G8) summit will fall short of its goals, is hosting last minute talks to twist the arms of reluctant partners.
Iraq's prime minister cranked up the pressure on magistrates investigating Saddam Hussein for war crimes, saying a trial could start in a month or two.
Foreign ministers of Muslim countries on Thursday pledged cooperation with Iraqi authorities to help end a bloody insurgency waged there by Iraqis and foreign Arabs.
Spain legalized same-sex marriages on Thursday, becoming the fourth country to do so after Belgium, Canada and the Netherlands and dealing a blow to the Catholic Church in a traditional stronghold.
North Korea has restarted work on two nuclear reactors that was suspended under a 1994 landmark deal with the United States, a Japanese newspaper reported on Thursday. (Reuters)
President Bush said Thursday that "many questions" have been raised by allegations of some former American hostages that Iran's president-elect was one of their captors in the late 1970s.
Time Inc. said Thursday it would comply with a court order to deliver the notes of a reporter threatened with jail in a probe of the leak of a CIA officer's name.
Congressional critics of President Bush's stay-the-course commitment to the war in Iraq argued Wednesday that the administration lacks sufficient troops on the ground to mount a successful counterinsurgency.
Buoyed by the addition of several new converts, Senate supporters of the Central America Free Trade Agreement closed in on a vote to approve the accord with six Latin American nations. CAFTA means an improvement in corporate bottom lines, but it also means more jobs going out of the country. Whether jobs or corporate profits are more important is a matter for each citizen to decide.
House Republicans, who have watched Democrats stymie President Bush's proposed Social Security overhaul, are marching ahead with a plan of their own. In a bill they expect to vote upon by autumn, House GOP leaders propose to "stop the raid" on surplus Social Security funds by depositing bonds equal to the extra money in private investment accounts linked to workers under age 55.
The top Democrat on the House ethics committee said Wednesday he was close to a deal with the Republican chairman to end the committee's partisan stalemate and resume business, including a possible investigation of Majority Leader Tom DeLay.
EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. (AP) - The chairman of the city's Democratic Party and four others were convicted Wednesday of scheming to buy votes with cash, cigarettes and liquor last November. Charles Powell Jr., 61, was found guilty of conspiracy to commit vote fraud, along with the city's former director of regulatory affairs and three Democratic precinct committee members.
A federal grand jury has subpoenaed documents from a California congressman related to the sale of the lawmaker's home to a defense contractor who quickly put it back on the market and eventually sold it at a big loss.
Republican congressman wants an investigation of whether the Bush administration tried to suppress a survey indicating U.S. policies spurred immigrants to illegally enter the country. Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., said the U.S. Border Patrol's three-week survey was discontinued after initial results showed illegal immigrants believed they would be granted amnesty once in the United States.
The House on Wednesday rejected a big proposed cut in Amtrak subsidies that would have led to major cutbacks in rail service. Portland would have lost rail service under the cuts, but thanks to KPTV you probably didn't even know that such a vital service was on the chopping block.
The Senate voted to block the Environmental Protection Agency from using studies that intentionally expose people to pesticides when considering permits for pest killers. By a 60-37 vote, the Senate approved a provision from Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., that would block the EPA from relying on such testing - including 24 human pesticide experiments currently under review - as it approves or denies pesticide applications.
A Portland Oregon story that made national news: After nearly a decade of court battles, scientists plan to begin studying the 9,300-year-old skeleton known as Kennewick Man next week. A team of scientists plans to examine the bones at the University of Washington's Burke Museum in Seattle beginning July 6. Four Northwest Indian tribes had opposed the study, claiming the skeleton could be an ancestor who should be buried. The Interior Department and the Army Corps of Engineers had sided with the tribes.
What could be a life-or-death issue: The preponderance of scientific evidence shows that even very low doses of radiation pose a risk of cancer or other health problems and there is no threshold below which exposure can be viewed as harmless, a panel of prominent scientists concluded Wednesday. The finding by the National Academy of Sciences panel is viewed as critical because it addresses radiation amounts commonly used in medical treatment and is likely also to influence radiation levels the government will allow at abandoned nuclear sites.
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I could go on, but just imagine how much better all of our lives might be if citizens actually had a clue what the hell was going on in their world. Instead, they have KPTV making them stupider.
This is awesome! KPTV couldn't BUY this kind of publicity!
Boy, for someone who really dislikes KPTV, you sure do a great job of watching it every night! So, for all of us at KPTV, thanks for the PR man! Happy watching!
Save for the fact that KPTV's numbers don't lie, and it seems every other station in town is trying to constantly play catch-up, you do a great job of tuning in! Can't look away, eh?
Thanks and keep up the good work!
If the people want hot air and pictures of suits sitting in meetings they know where else to go.
Yes, I agree that the technical aspects of the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show have improved drastically from a few months ago when they were a nightly embarassment, especially for a major market station.
No, they haven't done a vampire story lately, but I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised to see that kind of shit come back, like next Sweeps Weeks, perhaps.
"Ummmm... check your own facts before you blast KPTV for getting theirs wrong.
"Canada has NOT legalized gay marriage nationwide.
"The bill passed the House of Commons, now it goes to the Senate, and may become law sometime in July."
Well, I got the story from the AP. You may have heard of them--the Associated Press. It's a cooperative of many newspapers, radio and TV stations who pool their resources for the benefit of all.
Yes, it appears that the AP got the story wrong; that's hardly my fault though, is it?
So, is THAT how KPTV avoids having to make corrections--by simply not covering stories at all?
"This is awesome! KPTV couldn't BUY this kind of publicity!"
Well, if you consider being called incompetant whores disguised as "journalists" on a daily basis and having your nose shoved into the shit you broadcast like a dog who crapped in the corner "publicity," then, yes, you're right, you just can't buy "publicity" like that. Congratulations!
"Boy, for someone who really dislikes KPTV, you sure do a great job of watching it every night! So, for all of us at KPTV, thanks for the PR man! Happy watching!"
Using your irrational "logic," that Roger Ebert guy must really like all the movies he gives bad reviews to, right? After all, he sits through them!
Are you really this stupid? If so, I suddenly begin to understand why KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show sucks so badly.
"Save for the fact that KPTV's numbers don't lie, and it seems every other station in town is trying to constantly play catch-up, you do a great job of tuning in! Can't look away, eh?"
Ah, the old "two wrongs make a right" argument. So, if--according to you--all the OTHER TV news shows in Portland suck too, that somehow makes it OK that YOURS sucks. If you ever get arrested for a crime, try using that as your defense, OK? Let me know how that works out for you.
"Thanks and keep up the good work!
If the people want hot air and pictures of suits sitting in meetings they know where else to go."
Oh, you mean stuff like CONGRESS? I agree there's little chance that KPTV will ever run a story about a deliberative body that determines the outcome of things that actually affect the daily lives of their audience.
If, however, people feel the need to see a "news" story about some addle-brained girl who claims to be a VAMPIRE, they'll know where to turn. "KPTV, the place to turn for stories about the mentally defective."
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